In the casino's theater, Team Heartbreak had done their patrol as Ultra Guardians and they had invited Team Wynaut to their next movie review; most of the team members had already gotten to their seats while the rest were finding theirs.
"Hello, this is Team Heartbreak; we remember it so you don't have to." Hunter Helmsley said.
"You know, Hollywood has a talent for taking symbols of our cherished childhood and turning them into indescribable quantities of fecal matter and nowhere is that more prominent than in the horrors of the Super Mario Bros. Movie." Chyna said.
"The game, about two Italian plumbers who rescue a princess from a dragon, was such a huge hit that they put it on everything. Candy, magazines, comic books, TV, the works. So it only figured to put together a Super Mario Bros. movie as quickly as possible." Glenn Frey said.
"And when we saw the trailer for this movie, we realized it wasn't just Super Mario Bros., it was Super Mario Bros. ON STEROIDS! I'm serious dude, this movie was packin', with flamethrowers, rocket boots, giant monsters and a badass lookin' city. So naturally, we got hyped." Dean Ambrose said.
"It was opening day, there were lines around the block and we were ready to see the badass action film of the year. We sat down in our seats and the film began." Shawn Michaels said.
"Wobbuffet!" Wobbuffet saluted, before the lights dimmed and the film projector was turned on. Sure enough, the SMB theme plays.
"Alright! The traditional Mario music, this is gonna be just like the game!" Marty Jannetty grinned.
"Wobbuffet!" Wobbuffet smiled in agreement.
"A long long time ago, the Earth was ruled by dinosaurs. They were big, so not a lot of people went around hasslin' 'em." Dan Castellneta narrated.
"You know, it just don't get no better than this." a brontosaurus said.
"Then, a giant meteorite struck the Earth! Goodbye dinosaurs! But what if the dinosaurs weren't all destroyed? What if the impact of that meteorite created a parallel dimension where the dinosaurs continued to thrive and evolve into intelligent, vicious, aggressive beings?! And hey! What if they found a way back?" Dan Castellneta narrated, while everyone started to get more confused and less enthusiastic.
"What the hell is with the animation during this scene? It looked like the animators of the Dingo Disney ripoffs were paid big time for this sequence! What were they thinking?!" Tom Keifer asked in anger.
"Oh, my God; this movie's gonna blow." Bret Hart groaned.
"So let's see what's wrong with this horse's ass of a movie. Well for starters, the graphics in the game are actually better than the graphics in the opening; that's strike one. Bowser is a human being instead of a dragon; that's strike two. And the two Italian plumbers are played by Bob Hoskins, an British actor and John Leguizamo, a Latino actor." Diesel pointed out.
"And that's strike three. You know what, what the hell? Five minutes into this movie, already it has three strikes against it. This is going to SUCK ASS." Curt Hennig snapped.
"You bet your ass it will. The first time I saw that, I knew they've fucked it up." Jeff Hardy nodded.
"Alright, so the film centers around a love story between Luigi and the only good looking archaeologist in the entire world, Daisy. Their chemistry is about as awkward as Tom Cruise and... well, I guess anyone he's dated." Chyna said.
"I want to apologize right now, in case when I start, get to get talkin' and I start to say things that sound really weird..." Luigi said.
"Don't worry, Luigi. It's not you, it's just bad writing." Alex Van Halen assured.
"Eevee!" Eevee smiled.
"But that's because this film's writing is starting to turn out very bad." Eddie Van Halen pointed out to his brother.
"Upon taking her out to dinner, we find out that the Mario Brothers aren't even brothers at all. They're father and son." Meowth said.
"Mario here brought me up." Luigi pointed out.
"But wait a minute, doesn't Mario specifically at one point say-" 123 Kid said, pointing at the screen.
"Mario Brothers Plumbing." Mario said.
"And isn't the title of the stinkin' movie...?" 123 Kid said, holding a sign that says the movie's title.
"So wait, what the hell are you tryin' to say, they're... they're father and son... AND brothers?" Hunter Helmsley said in shock.
"He's been my, my mother my whole life." Luigi said.
"You're messed up, movie. You're FUCKING messed up!" Steven Van Zandt snapped.
"What the fuck is up with that? This isn't Brokeback Mountain, this is Super Mario Bros.! What were they thinking with this bullshit?!" Tommy Bolin snapped.
"Damn right." Lily Tomlin nodded.
"So after that incestuous moment, we find that Daisy is abducted and taken to a parallel world where humans evolved from lizards instead of evolving from monkeys. Suck on that, Creationism!" Tom Keifer said.
"And in the horrifying city of Dinohattan, there's an evil Tyrannical-saurus Rex known as King Koopa, played by the late Dennis Hopper. Only he doesn't breathe fire and throw hammers like in the video game, no, this Koopa's more like a mix between the former President Donald Trump and Dr. Evil." Lou Reed explained.
"See you later, alligator." Bowser said.
"Disney's Reluctant Dragon would've been scarier than this." Glenn Frey stated.
"His plan is to merge our two dimensions together and de-evolve mankind. He does this by using a rock from a meteorite that hit Earth thousands of years ago that Daisy apparently keeps around her neck. Or some shit like that, I don't know, I'm usually asleep at this point by now." Jeff Hardy said.
"Stupid." Bowser said.
"His evil henchmen in this diarrhea farm of a movie are creatures known as Goombas and I have to admit, I honestly think they went out of their ways to make sure these creatures look NOTHING like the original game." Stiv Bators said, holding a picture of a Goomba.
"It's like they're TRYING to piss us off. They're supposed to be creatures with no arms, giant heads and only two stubby legs. Here, it's human beings with shrunken reptilian heads! Damn movies with unfaithful character designs..." Jeff Porcaro scowled.
"Yea, I'll bet." Chyna nodded.
"Name?" a policeman asked.
"Mario." Mario said.
"Last name?" the policeman asked.
"Eevee?" Eevee asked.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're gonna hear Mario's last name? Dude, we've NEVER heard Mario's last name before. This oughta be interesting. Cool, alright, so, uh... what's Mario's last name?" Matt Hardy grinned.
"Yea, let's hear it." Jeff Hardy grinned.
"Mario." Mario said.
"Yea, now what's your last name?" Tiffany asked.
"Mario." Mario said.
"No no no, what's your LAST name?" Batista asked.
"Mario." Mario said.
"No no...okay, what's your first name?" Dwayne Goettel asked.
"Mario." Mario said.
"Alright, now what's your last name?" Glenn Frey asked.
"Mario." Mario said.
"Fuck you, what's your first name?" Chyna asked.
"Luigi." Luigi said.
"And what's your last name?" Curt Hennig asked.
"Mario." Mario said.
"Shut up! What's your last name?" Jeff Hardy asked.
"Luigi Mario." Luigi said.
"Those are both first names, what's your last name?" Tom Keifer asked.
"Mario." Mario said.
"Shut up! What's your full name?" Matt Hardy asked.
"Luigi Mario." Luigi said.
"Those are both fir- ...okay. What's your first name?" Benny Mardones asked.
"Luigi." Luigi said.
"And what's your last name?" Shawn Michaels asked.
"Mario." Mario said.
"SHUT THE FUCK- ...What's your full name?" Diesel asked.
"Luigi Mario." Luigi said.
"What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?" Eddie Guerrero asked in shock.
"Mario Mario and Luigi Mario." Luigi said.
"Are you fucking kidding me? They couldn't think of last names for the two, so they just gave them their first names again? That's like something a kid writes down when he doesn't know the answer on a test." Brian Pillman snarked.
"Mario's last name is Mario. And Luigi's last name is Mario too, because they're brothers you see, wait no no no, father and son." HappyScary Dean said, writing on a piece of paper.
"They can't even think of any last name for them at least? Maybe something Italian, maybe? That is a fucking underwhelmer..." Rob Pilatus muttered.
"Now one of the things you might be asking yourself is why in this version, as opposed to the game, is it Luigi that ultimately gets the hot princess booty? I mean, who does that leave Mario with since Peach is unavailable?" Fran O'Toole asked, scratching his head before the screen showed Mario dancing with Big Bertha at the club, taking everyone by surprise.
"AH! Whoa boy. Sorry Mario, but our princess is in another White Castle. Unfortunately, the Duchess of Dairy Queen also has the rock and steals it from our heroes, which unfortunately means a lot of THOSE boob shots." Dean Ambrose chuckled.
"The only way to get it back is for Mario to use his balding Italian charm to seduce her. What some people will do for a role... ugh. Sadly though, most of the performances in this movie are downright terrible. I mean, I love Bob Hoskins and all, but half the time it sounds like he's coughing up a hairball." Tiffany said, massaging her temples.
"And every time I hear that New York accent, I keep expecting Roger Rabbit to pop up." Rick Danko said.
"It seemed that they had trouble with the accents in this movie." Sell-Out Seth said.
"But by far, the biggest award for killing a performance goes to the Poopa Scoopa Koopa himself, Dennis Hopper." Chyna said.
"It's literally like he woke up every morning and just said to himself "I'm not gonna act today. I don't know WHAT I'm gonna do, but it's not gonna be acting."" Lou Reed said.
"In fact, we haven't seen Dennis Hopper in a while even though he's been dead for 11 years, have we? But what do you expect when you're in movies that have you saying lameass lines like..." Bret Hart said, pointing at the screen.
"Bob-omb." Bowser said, again taking everyone by surprise.
"Let's hear that again." Hunter Helmsley snickered.
"Bob-omb." Bowser said.
"And this is why you don't see Dennis Hopper anymore. In fact, if you watch it in slow motion, you can actually pinpoint the moment where his career implodes in on itself." Eddie Guerrero laughed.
"There is no other line in this movie that could destroy an actor's career so quickly." Levon Helm said.
"Monkey!" Bowser said.
"...okay, maybe one other line." Glenn Frey said.
"The only thing that's KINDA cool about this movie is the way they teleport from one world to another. It's not a great effect, but it's pretty inventive when you consider it comes from a city covered in 'shrooms." Tom Keifer said, before hearing Bowser laugh.
"Oh, shut up and say Bob-omb." Lexxi Foxx snarked.
"Bob-omb." Bowser said.
"So on top of the bad acting and the lameass storyline, there's several lines of dialogue that are just entirely pointless. For example, there's a strange running joke where Koopa tries to order a pizza." Dr. John pointed out.
"I'd like the Koopa special." Bowser said.
"Pterodactyl tail on that?" a pizza guy asked.
"Yes. Dino, lizard, hold the mammal, no worms... and uh, spicy." Bowser said.
"Okay, not funny..." Owen Hart said.
"Prepare for destiny! ...Where's my pizza?" Bowser asked.
"Okay, still not funny..." Eddie Van Halen said.
"Sir, your pizza's here!" a radio said.
"Not now. Looks like I win!" Bowser said.
"And altogether, not funny." Meowth said.
"So the final conclusion we have to draw from this is; not funny plus not funny equals NOT FUCKING FUNNY! I mean, do these people have to go back to Film 101? If you want a joke to work, you need HUMOR! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?! Jesus, I can't imagine this film getting any worse." Brian Pillman groaned.
"I know this is gonna sound a little strange, but I want you to meet... my father." Daisy said.
"Well, it's an honor to meet you sir and a pleasure." Luigi grinned.
"What the hell am I looking at?!" Steven Van Zandt asked in horror.
"I just...I just wanna thank you for all your help." Luigi grinned.
"Okay, I'm gonna wrap this up before I puke." Marty Jannetty said.
"Yea, no kidding. This movie has issues with its treatment of its source material." Meowth agreed.
"The Mario Bros. get the rock back, stop the evil Bowser, turn him into a weird-ass Muppet and return back home. Daisy can't go because she has to figure out where she 'belongs' and they have themselves a happy ending." Marty Jannetty explained.
"Or do they?!" HappyScary Dean asked, before the screen showed Daisy entering the Mario Bros.' apartment, decked out like a soldier.
"Luigi, Mario!" Daisy called out.
"What, wh-wh-what's wrong?" Luigi asked.
"You're never gonna believe this." Daisy said.
"I believe it." Mario said.
"You do?" Luigi asked.
"Huh huh. I believe." Mario said.
"And I am not kidding, this is where IT ENDS. On a fucking cliffhanger." Tommy Bolin said.
The film projector stops and the lights come on.
"Wh-wh-wh-wh-what's wrong? How does Mario know what's wrong? Why does Daisy have a flamethrower?" 123 Kid asked.
"Well, thank heavenly Jesus, we'll never find out the answer to those questions. Super Mario Bros. Bob-ombed at the box office and thus never had a crappy Hollywood sequel." Stiv Bators said.
"Word of advice guys: concentrate on botching up the first shitty ass movie before you start thinking up ideas about how to fuck up the next one." Steven Van Zandt said.
"Perhaps the biggest surprise of the movie is the fact that somebody actually wrote it. Not one, not two, but three people actually played a part in putting this together. And would you believe that this movie actually had TWO directors? Because one director can't POSSIBLY make a film this bad alone. It takes two... with concerted effort." Lou Reed said.
"But to their credit, could you imagine anyone else in the world that could possibly direct a superior film?" Chyna asked.
"Monkey!" Bowser said.
"He's got us there. That was Team Heartbreak, they remember it so you don't have to." Joey Ramone said, before leaving the theater on a Segway.