The French story "Apparences" is property of Melzart, and the Yu-Gi-Oh! franchise belongs to Kazuki Takahashi.

Chapter 15

Confessions

"So… you're already back?"

Marie was busy washing the dishes and preparing what was soon to be their dinner.

"Yes, ma'am," she responded as she thrust arm towards the cupboard to take down another plate.

Naomi's eyes did not leave her, both happy to see her and shocked that her absence had barely been noticed. Was it Kaiba that accorded her such little time, or was it Marie's own initiative that she believed herself so indispensible to daily affairs of the house – as if she were herself a part of the furniture, of the décor?

"I'm really happy to see you, Marie. But I still think you deserved a little bit longer on vacation…"

Grr… that's it. She's going to go back to criticizing me again, Kaiba thought as he searched for a reply or a reproachful look at him. Naomi had again insisted to not stay in bed and had gone down to the kitchen to make herself a coffee, to Kaiba's great disdain.

He could easily sense that she seemed to want to stretch her convalescence into a month-long gig. He disliked this because he was beginning to lose control over her actions. But he couldn't continually be an obstacle to her; sooner or later, he'd have to face the reality.

"Oh," Marie said, startled. "It's very kind of you to ask, ma'am. Thank you very much. But I did come back a tad early, it's true."

She had blushed as she admitted it.

Kaiba was also watching her now, for the same reasons that Naomi had to be questioning herself over. It was true that Marie did not have to return until the afternoon two days from now. Forcibly he appeared to be as curious as the young woman, who didn't want to seem to ask much more.

Instead of directly asking her the question that was burning on the tip of her tongue, she decided to turn back to her knitting, so as to not disturb her further.

"Did everything not go as expected?"

Marie, who understood full well where Naomi was attempting to bring her, allowed herself to be won over by her perspicacious attitude.

"Well," she started again, reddening slightly and quickly casting a small glance in Kaiba's direction, "I thought that… I would be more useful here."

She was making doubtlessly an illusion to Naomi's physical state of health, which she now undeniably was concerned for.

Naomi and Kaiba practically jumped at the fact that her intentions came entirely from the heart.

Naomi was the first to answer her with a warm smile. Maybe her hair would have stood on end if it had come from anybody else. But recognizing the purely disinterested gesture of the well-intentioned maid, she didn't push it any further.

"Thanks, Marie," she said softly in her general direction.

The two of them stood there, immobile, wrapped in sincere affection.

Oh, the life and times of women.

Although it annoyed him, making him feel uneasy, Kaiba hid his emotions admirably well, masking his sentimental overflow under an empty look.

There was no doubt in his mind: Kaiba had found another ally to his cause, a fact which didn't cause him any grief.

"Can I help you with anything?" Naomi dared to ask again.

"Oh, no, ma'am! Thank you, but…"

Kaiba was again fulminating at her exasperating stubbornness.

Grr! Naomi! Stop trying so hard!

He was about to protest, even about to grab her by the lapels and drag her with him. But Marie left him no time to do so when she answered his worries with an answer beyond his wildest hopes.

"… I don't think you should overwork."

Naomi froze in place.

Argh… is that the key word in this house or what?

While a real anger envenomed her spirit, she didn't push her.

"Fine," she sighed. "But I can still sit here a moment with you two, right?"

Kaiba's go-getting maid didn't know quite how to respond to this, visibly shaken in her thoughts.

Out of arguments, she looked for help in Kaiba's exasperated eyes. He didn't want to risk uselessly quarrelling with Naomi. He tried all the same to put her down as gently as he could.

"Marie can get along full well on her own."

Calm down… you're in the Kaiba mansion, aren't you? You know he's not doing it to hurt you. Stay calm. While you're here, anyway.

While she fought furiously to not come across as disagreeable, she insisted all the same:

"Seto, I'm convinced that you have a ton of things to do. As for me, I'll just stretch my legs, okay?"

Still in the middle of questioning my orders. She knows I hate that…. Well, I don't like it all, at least.

However, what could he do against her will, even though he objected to it with all of his person?

More gravely yet she kept an austere eye on him, the one that accepted no compromise.

"Seto…"

After all, it wasn't as if she were going to stay alone. Besides, he was no more than several steps from the kitchen when he was in his office. What did she risk when she was under Marie's attentive eye? She was another person that he now knew he could trust.

"Fine," he said quickly in an attempt to hide his acquiescence. "I'll be nearby."

Naomi breathed a sigh of relief. She was glad Kaiba was agreeing.

"Yes, sir," said Marie, wanting to reassure.

He was readying to leave the kitchen when Mokuba walked in.

"Hi everyone!" he said, quite joyously. "I'm on time like promised!"

Kaiba easily detected an abnormal happiness in the voice of his little brother. So he kept an inquisitive eye trained on him.

Mokuba… what are you hiding?

It was evident that Kaiba strongly suspected him of something.

Careful, Mokuba, careful… You should have known that Seto is extremely sharp…

Naomi decided to come to his aid, persuaded that Kaiba had already noticed the signs of a difficult-to-contain secret.

"You could leave in peace, now that Mokuba's here," she affirmed to Kaiba, who was suddenly knocked off-kilter in his quest for the truth. Not sufficiently, however, to prevent him from continuing to suspect his kid brother and even Naomi of being his partner in crime.

"Hm," he muttered, sharing a glare between the two of them.

If he didn't act fast, Mokuba would crack. Decidedly he tried to carefully articulate all of his words so as to not start spouting nonsense.

"It's okay, Seto. I'll do it. Everything'll be fine."

Larger than life himself, it was blaringly obvious to Kaiba that what Mokuba was saying wasn't holding any weight before the two of the people he loved most. Even though the entire story upset him terribly, he preferred to not stay on his case.

"Fine," he spat dryly before whipping around on his heels.

They had watched his departure withholding their breath, that much was for sure. So they both exhaled now, looking at each other for a moment.

"Hello, sir," said Marie.

"Hello, Marie. Did you have a good Christmas?"

"Oh yes, thank you very much, sir," she responded with a smile. Then her inner drive forced her to return to cleaning dishes.

Nothing could besmirch Mokuba's good humor. He stayed as perky as the child that he once had been.

"Oh, Mokuba," Naomi asked. "I was thinking… I was wondering if…"

Mokuba walked up to her, concerned and willing to be helpful.

"Is there a library in this house? What is there to read?"

"Oh! Of course there is! I'll take you there, if you want," he responded, happy to be of use.

"Okay, just a second. Let me get a coffee and I'll follow you."

"Wait!" he said. "I'll bring it to you."

. . . . . . . . .

More than just slightly agitated, Kaiba quietly engaged himself in his business affairs with the help of his laptop. It was true that he hadn't been entirely comfortable with his company for a while now. Everything was fine with it. No worries needed. But above all it was true that his floundering mind could not follow growth curves as well as the curves of Naomi's body.

Then again, all this staging to cover up their secret, almost jealously guarded, annoyed him slightly. It wasn't as if he were worried about it. But he had become more and more curious. It was becoming fishy.

This much mystery could not hold water under his watch. Sooner or later, he'd find out.

Naomi insisted upon making a stop in the living room.

"The envelope, Mokuba."

He softly stooped over to collect it from underneath the tree. It didn't seem to contain anything solid. If it contained anything, for that matter. But could he really trust appearances?

As if he were expecting approbation, he stayed still, his eyes floating over Naomi's envelope.

"It's for you, Mokuba. I spruced it up a bit, I admit. But I hope you still like it," she said as she kept her eyes on him and watched him open it with a slight hesitation.

"I know I'll like it because you gave it to me, Naomi," he said with a light smile.

There was nothing but a piece of paper on the inside. And even on that sheet it took him a moment to find any meaning in the house address written in Naomi's hand.

"You should take it up as soon as you can," she said again, amused by the young man's astonishment.

"I'm sorry, Naomi… but I don't understand."

She laughed gently as she stepped closer.

"That's okay. Let me explain," she said sweetly. "At that address, you'll find my mentor. Now, he's yours."

This was becoming stranger and stranger. Mokuba, who still didn't grasp anything that was happening, crinkled his eyebrows.

"Your…mentor?"

"Yes. What I'm giving you are courses in self-defense. I think it's very important that you learn to defend yourself, Mokuba."*

"Oh!"

He leapt up; there was no way he could have hidden his surprise.

"But…Seto…" he blabbered.

"Seto isn't aware of this. This is my present, Mokuba. And I expect you to go."

"But…"

He apparently didn't know how to react. The idea had never before crossed his mind. Besides, Seto had always been there to protect him. What she was asking of him, then, was for him to learn to fly upon his own set of wings.

"I know, he could pay for all of the private tutors on the planet," she continued. "Yet…"

He listened attentively.

"Nowhere in the world will you find a better mentor. He's one of the best, if not the best. And that's why I'm pressing you to go."

The tone of the conversation grew more grave.

He was still pondering.

"I understand – you've always lived with the presentiment that you have your brother's protection, right?"

The look he gave her was almost miserable.

"Yes, I know. And I get it, trust me. But I really think you should learn to defend yourself. Seto doesn't need it. He's already a natural fighter. He knows how to defend himself. That's not the case with you. And with the events that have been occurring recently, I think you understand better than anyone. I even think your brother would approve of it."

"You think so?"

"Yes, because he wants only the best for you. I'm completely convinced of that."

He stayed silent, almost like he was too taken aback to think straight.

"At least try, Mokuba. It's really important."

"Would you like me to?"

I wonder if he hasn't gotten the same freaking stubbornness as his brother.

"Mokuba, this isn't about me. This isn't about your brother either. If you do this, it's for you. And nobody else."

"Will you help me?"

"Of course. Once I'm on my feet, you can practice on me… no problem," a most amused smile sketching itself upon her face.

So, was she staying?

The demi-confidence wasn't to make him unhappy. On the contrary. Under her wing, too, he would be safe.

"Okay," he breathed as he weighed the pros and cons.

It wasn't completely filled with purposefulness.

"Great! I'm so happy."

"Good. You're right, after all. Does Seto…"

"No!" she cut him off. "I told you. He doesn't know. It's between us…"

He approved with a nod of the head, but wondered how he would go about explaining his ever-increasing amount of absence.

"Thanks… so, er, do you want to go to the library?"

"Of course!"

"It's this way… let's go."

For the moment she figured that he was far too surprised to realize the great chance that she had just given him. Maybe one day he'd figure it out.

There was no doubt that it would somehow be beneficial for him.

There was no doubt, moreover, that Seto would approve of her gesture. Hadn't he already offered her a fortune to learn?

They soon arrived at one of the far ends of the immense mansion. Double doors graced the entrance of a seemingly large room.

Then he opened them.

A curious quietude seemed to have settled over Mokuba, who lingered at the doorway as if to let her move about inside at her leisure.

She walked over the threshold with a shaky step.

What the…?

Suddenly, she felt incensed with a disturbing sense of malaise – the disagreeable feeling of being prey to worst of the various forms of sadness. Something odd, coming from the room, made her do a double-take and step back.

It was more or less nice-looking at a glance; immense rows of books lined the four walls. In the center was a long red sofa, a recliner a bit further away, and a long table between them.

But the impression of devastation had not yet left her. It was practically unwholesome. What could be the matter with a room which seemingly looked full of peace and calm?

"What's wrong, Naomi?"

This is ridiculous. Grab a book and get out.

"Nothing," she murmured as she battled to walk towards one section. "Are they in any particular order?"

"Hunh. I couldn't say. We never use this place. But Seto would know."

It's okay. I can handle this.

She brought her hand up to one volume. The Odyssey, by Homer. It was even in Greek. Apparently it was a very old edition. If it wasn't a hundred years old, it seemed, it would at least be authentic. So she put it back out of respect.

The library had no fault. It could put many others to shame. It was a stunning collection.

But why did she feel so oppressed? Where was her unease stemming from?

Ah, bibliographies. I like those.

With what seemed to him like a light shaking of the hands, she pulled out a book about the kings and queens of France, a country which she had never before visited but with which she was fascinated. Maybe one day she'd make a little history trip there, ancient marvels beckoning her with their far-off voices. She had always loved old countries exactly because of the charm of their extensive history, archeology being a sacred word in her dictionary.

For a short instant, as a euphoric passenger to the ride of the story, she almost forgot the disagreeable air of the place. It came back with no trouble, however.

She couldn't stay here any longer. She turned to leave.

The bad feeling intrigued her so much it stopped her in her tracks once she had walked up to Mokuba, who himself had been nailed into place.

He again noticed her apprehension.

"What's wrong, Nao?"

"I… I don't know. It's strange, though."

"What? What's strange?"

She waited a moment before telling him.

"You see… I've always liked the feel of libraries," she began, her eyes losing themselves in the room as if hunting down a mystery. "Because they are generally calm places, welcoming, and quite relaxing. You can sit back and find yourself and peace in them."

He wasn't going to try to decipher her allusions. He was lost.

"But," she continued, "I don't know, you see. I don't find that same peace in here. There's tons of books, yes. But the silence here is heavy and cold. So sad, too."

I hate this room. I don't know why. I just don't like it.

If she were to consent to Mokuba's good graces, she couldn't quite see how to describe to him what was disturbing her so much. This room seemed sinister, uncomfortable to the highest degree. She had practically reeled with repulsion the second she walked through the door. How could she explain why?

"I don't know," she said again apologetically.

It's crazy… this room makes me want to cry. What the hell is wrong with this room?

There was a quick silence between them.

"It's funny you should say that," Mokuba said, who was always looking to understand.

Though the question was burning inside of her, she didn't open her mouth.

He appeared reticent as he went to follow up with an explanation.

"Of all of the rooms in this giant house… this is the one that Seto hates most. He hasn't been here in years."

It was like a bombshell went off, and Naomi was yanked from her torpor.

"What?"

She whipped back around to stare at him, demanding the secret. Apparently anything having to do with Kaiba didn't leave her indifferent.

Was he about to further unveil more of his brother's personality?

Before his almost ashamed silence, she corrected herself.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. It's none of my business."

Wasn't entirely false.

But…

Tell me, Mokuba. Why does Seto hate this room? Tell me.

"It's okay," he said half-resignedly, believing himself to have already said too much. But after all, wasn't she the chosen one of Seto's heart?

The two of them did not move, looking at the room without really seeing.

"It's just…" he sighed.

Just what? Just talk.

Oh, I don't have to know. Besides, this has nothing to do with me.

No! – tell me, Mokuba.

She turned to face him, fear being replaced with a keen interest in the matter at hand.

"We spent a little bit of time at the orphanage when our parents died. I wasn't seven yet and Seto was eleven. Then… he showed up one day."

A painful memory. He seemed lost in the world of memories. He had to push himself to say anything further.

"Gozaburo. Kaiba. The man this house – and KaibaCorp, of course – belonged to. He was a very severe and authoritarian man. In reality, he was an egotistical monster devoid of heart. But we couldn't have known that. We were just happy that we didn't have to be separated. That was the most important thing for us. We were together, just like our parents would have wanted. As soon as we got to this house, Gozaburo pulled Seto apart. He soon learned of my brother's extraordinary capabilities. That was what interested him; he was looking for an heir to his company and his life's work."

Bitterness was seeping out of him. Although the worst was yet to come, each word seemed to weigh even more on his chest.

What did he do to you? Tell me, Mokuba. What did he do to Seto?

She stayed silent with concern, hardly daring to breathe and interrupt the young man. Even her throat was constricted.

"Yeah – the only thing he really wanted was to make a perfect copy of himself in younger form. So right off the bat he imposed a panoply of private tutors on my brother to shove everything that he would need to know down his throat to become the perfect businessman – informed, ingenious, and most of all, pitiless. Math, geography, English, programming, physics, chemistry, political science… who knows what else. Nothing was lacking in his education. All Seto did day and night was study and study. There was even a majordomo to watch over him to make sure he didn't slack off – he had a heart of steel. My brother slept very little and very rarely. As soon as he had the liberty of closing his eyes, on the brink of exhaustion, he would be roughly awoken to prepare for the next class. He became a machine."

As if he had to take a breather, Mokuba gave her a half-hearted smile.

"That's where he learned to sleep with only one eye closed."

Then he went right back to his nightmarish past.

"He was a true tyrant. But he succeeded in making my brother a being apart, as pitiless as he was, at least in business. Seto was forced to obey him. Gozaburo held him in the palm of his hand, threatening to split us or send us back to the orphanage if he became dissatisfied. My brother had no choice. He worked so hard."

Naomi's heartbeat had become rare inside of her chest; she had frozen down to the bone.

"The sad thing is that as soon as we first walked into this house, Seto was never the same again. He lost a lot of himself as he grew older. He never again touched a toy. He even forgot what it was like to smile or have fun. And that's how he ended up the way he is."

I hate this house. Now I know why.

"If my brother hates this place so much, it is because all of those wretched hours and years of superhuman effort took place in this room."

Naomi fought bravely to hide her shivering. She was both awestruck, and angered, at the same time.

No child on Earth deserved to be treated so harshly.

Now she understood what was hidden underneath the invincible mask of Seto Kaiba.

It was whence came his power, his assurance. Also his cruelty, in turn, that his enemies had to face. It was a way of life for him, a program designed to block and foresee any blow against him.

Gozaburo had made the ultimate weapon of war out of him, armored against even warmth. And Seto had paid the price.

However, now she regretted knowing this. Not every truth is sweet.

An implacable disgust planted itself inside of her mouth. She was paralyzed by the violence of such hatred.

A very loud noise rattled the room.

The book had slipped from her hand and fallen to the ground.

But she didn't bend down to pick it up. She wasn't even going to touch it.

"Oh, wait, I'll get it," Mokuba said as he bent to pick it up. "Here."

But she had finally gone to continue along her way to finally leaving the room.

"I changed my mind," she whispered.

Mokuba had no trouble realizing that the story had profoundly affected her. How much so, he couldn't say. But she was very moved.

Why? Why do I have to know? It was already hard enough. What did you think it could have been, Naomi?

"Wait, Naomi," Mokuba called after her who nearly ran after her despite her speed being impeded by her bad leg. "I wanted to warn you… that…"

He seemed frightened now that he was doing his characteristic babbling.

"Pretend like you don't know anything, okay? I mean… Seto will hate me for telling you. You get it?"

She didn't doubt the proposal for an instant. She was also sure that it wasn't a topic that Kaiba would appreciate too highly.

"Okay," she mumbled, lowering her eyes.

Let me go now.

Sadness had evolved into anger.

Why? Why did you tell me, then? I didn't want to know.

Yes, you did. In the end, nobody truly understands Seto Kaiba. And you thought, even for a moment, that you could be an exception? You wanted to, Naomi. Be honest with yourself. You just didn't like what you heard.

Grr… yeah, maybe. Just maybe.

She was revisiting the memory of the men in the hotel passageway as they rued the day they met that cruel, intractable being. All she could remember was hearing the pain. Apparently, she found solace in none of them. And it had nothing to do with their mouths, which had been vomiting and puking on her person in profusion. She remembered that they had found a malicious pleasure in doing so - a sweet revenge to spit upon her.

No. Nobody cared if he had a past, or memories that were that painful. Nobody had even bothered to think that his life might not be easy. She had even believed in it partly, once, when she was a member of the teeming masses.

Doesn't the majority override the minority?

Thus it all squashed the most severe of critics.

Nobody knew Seto Kaiba – that much was obvious. It suddenly occurred to her. Seto was a man apart – a good man, too direct perhaps, loyal. But nobody could accuse him of being a hypocrite. He was a strong, powerful man. Prideful, vain like a peacock. Surely. But he had every right to be. And moreover… he was a pure and magnificent being, a true being. Doubtlessly radical. Without any limits. Yet magnificent.

It was just that nobody knew that. Except for Mokuba. And her, now.

She thus became the keeper of his intimate secrets. At least in part. And what she took from that, day after day, gave her the impression of being a privileged individual. Even if she was just a sidekick. If he still seemed invulnerable, she understood now that it was merely a question of appearances.

But what was still left beneath that carapace?

Grr… you have to go back. You know it. That's enough. Seto hasn't suffered in a long time. He's a big boy – he can fend for himself.

Yes, I know, but-

But what? Just admit it frankly. That hurt you, didn't it?

Why would that hurt me? It's his life. I've had enough of my own. He's moved on. So have I. He got through it fine.

She sighed.

That hurt you.

No.

You like him! Admit that you love –

Shut up!

"Nao, are you okay?"

Mokuba was worried with her long period of silence. She had just been thinking quite deeply. Unfortunately there was no way to guess what exactly had been passing through her rather small head.

"Oh, I also wanted to thank you."

"Why?" she asked, emerging from her thoughts.

"Well… you know…"

"Oh!" she said a smile swept across her face. "Everything went as planned, I hope?"

Given the red tinge that his face donned before her, she wasn't beyond understanding that everything had probably gone beyond his wildest expectations.

"Even better. I'm so happy."

"Thanks a bunch. I owe you one."

"Absolutely not. I'm very happy for you."

All of a sudden Mokuba hugged her, even having the audacity to kiss her forehead. It was the first time that he had been so forward.

"I love you a lot, Nao. I just wanted you to know."

It seemed as if they were dancing in the middle of the corridor, Mokuba trying to hug her tighter and Naomi trying to defend herself, with both trying not to show exactly what they were trying to do.

It wasn't the effusion of emotion which irritated her. It was, instead, the detestable impression that she had that she couldn't return his feelings. There was a certain gap.

"Did I miss something?" Kaiba asked, who had been observing them for several seconds, arms crossed, eyebrows high.

If it hadn't been Mokuba he would have doubtlessly been enraged by the amount of 'familiarity'. In fact he didn't feel jealous at all.

Mokuba leapt up as he tore himself away from Naomi, very embarrassed to have been caught in the act.

"No… of course not! What do you mean by that?"

Naomi, on the other hand, had lightly bowed her head and smiled, amused by Mokuba's puerile reaction.

Again a shiver ran through her once she felt Kaiba's eyes watching her.

"I'll handle this," he said in a stroke. "Allow me."

"What? Er… yeah, of course…" Mokuba babbled again, trying to back away from Naomi.

This isn't too clear, is it? Kaiba thought as he stopped himself from laughing at his little brother. Let's see.

"May I ask where you were?" he asked in a very imperative tone as he approached them, eyes razor-sharp.

"Er…" Mokuba stuttered, apparently not yet recovered from the shock. "In the library."

Naomi saw a momentary wave of surprise in Kaiba's eyes, who had to clench his fists to maintain his marble composure.

"She… she wanted something to read."

"Didn't you find anything?" he asked, confused by the fact she was not holding a book in her hands. "Nothing interested you?"

"No," she breathed, fighting to hold back her raging emotions.

Except for you.

"Well, I'm outta here," Mokuba said quickly, wanting no further pretext to be further probed.

The two of them watch him leave.

"Dinner has already been served," he said, as if looking for an excuse for having disturbed them.

"Alright."

Being as close as he was, he couldn't miss the black shadow which was darkening Naomi's face. She was very tacit, despite the smiling. Something was bothering her. Again.

He had hardly dared to admit to her that he knew the truth. And as he did not find the courage to do so, he just had to make do. But it didn't go without troubling him to some degree.

Everything was so difficult, so delicate.

That's why he chose to respect the silence which sometimes floated alongside her.

"Can I ask you something?" she asked suddenly as they were making their way to the dining room.

"Yes," he replied immediately.

"I'd like to go outside."

"What?"

"Yeah. I'd like to go get some fresh air. For a few minutes at least. I need it."

Need it? Why? What happened since we left the kitchen this morning?

Kaiba wasn't about to directly ask her. But it took a lot of effort to hide from her the enormous question mark planted in the middle of his bosom.

"It's snowing. It's so wonderful out there. I love snow," she continued, her mind more focused on Mokuba's declarations.

Now that she had every reason to loathe this mansion, it was become even more insupportable to stay here.

Really? Is that the only reason, Naomi?

"I'd really like to go outside."

That's it. I have nothing to hide. Don't even try.

But to her surprise, Kaiba showed no hesitation.

"Of course."

It was very nice outside – only a coat would have sufficed to guard her against the cold. But Kaiba insisted, under the auspices of her recovery, that she also wear a wool pullover.

He was so considerate, so careful.

"Just a few minutes, right?" he asked.

Naomi had already drifted into her thoughts, eyes closed, head tilted towards the sky. She breathed in long breaths despite the fact that pain raked her sides as she did so. It didn't matter to her anymore. She had to fill the emptiness. Escape the long days locked inside, trying to even sit up, discovering things that should just remain secrets.

She had to leave. She knew it well.

But… everything was holding her back, now.

The impenetrable silence could not last.

It was she that broke it after several minutes standing near the entryway.

She looked at the sky again, calm and tranquil, as if peace had finally chosen to come home to the depths of her soul.

"Do you love life, Seto? Are you happy?"

* This reminded me a lot of the ending chapter(s) of Coffee Girl. Which isn't a bad thing. Actually, the library scene in this chapter also reminds me of a fanfic I found online, but I think at this point it's nostalgia for October/November, when I last had energy. :/