This is Australia. For the man who imagines being strangled by a tarantula while a kangaroo breaks his kneecaps and thinks, "Mmm. Yes please." For the man who pictures himself being eaten by a snake in the burning Outback while eating a Vegemite sandwich and thinks, "MMM YES, PLEASE!" And that man was Arthur Phillip, who landed in eastern Australia in 1788, presumably saw a dingo being eaten by a crocodile, being eaten by a Death Adder, being eaten by a koala, being eaten by Mel Gibson, and thought to himself, "Yes, ... G o o d." Now I know what you're thinking.
"What are we thinking?" Ahsoka asked rhetorically.
"Um, Vima, what can you tell us about Australia?" Padme asked with a clearly confused look.
"I'll put it like this, if you thought the stuff from the Honey Badger was weird and dangerous, then you won't want to visit Australia." He explains before taking a moment to think. "Think of it like this, Australia is to Earth as what the Unknown Regions are to your galaxy."
The room bristled upon hearing those words. "This is gonna get weird then." Anakin spoke softly.
You: But OverSimpified, the British didn't discover Australia. The Vikings did.
"Vikings?" Plo asked curiously.
"A proud warrior culture similar to the Mandalorians in a way. I'll show them sometime later." The AI said briefly.
OverSimplified: And you'd be wrong.
Meanwhile, in New York...
Person 1: "Buy! Buy! Man, this is great! The market will continue to grow forever!"
Person 2: "But what if it doesn't?"
Person 1: "OH CRAP! I never thought of that. SELL! SELL!"
"And that is when everything goes wrong." Mace sighed. "Nothing lasts forever."
"Change is possibly the only constant in the universe." Vima looked to them all. "Really it's paradoxical, but it makes sense. For example, I doubt even you Jedi will last forever."
Mace narrowed his eyes at the AI, who looked back with his eyes also narrowed. 'There's something he isn't telling us. But I shouldn't be rash, I'll give it time, see where it heads.'
Yoda looked at his former apprentice and the construct, a knowing look in his eyes. 'Feel it, I do. Another shift in the Force, there seems to be. Much smaller, it is. A mystery behind him, there is. Perhaps, a hope?'
OverSimplified: And the stock market crashed, which led to economic downturn, which meant that banks wouldn't lend anyone any money, which led to MORE economic downturn, which meant everyone stopped buying stuff, which led to MORE economic downturn, and—
"Okay, how much worse do you think it'll get?" Anakin asked with a smile.
"On a scale from 1 to 10, I'll give it an 8." Obi-Wan mused.
"I'll give it...a 6." Kit Fisto grinned.
"Oh come on, it can't be that bad." Padme says hopefully. "A lot of bad things happened on this world, but it can't be tha-" She stops herself upon seeing the screen.
Hey! What if all the crops in the Great Plains were destroyed in a drought and then a big dust storm engulfed the area? That's right! More economic downturn. And in an effort to combat the crisis, United States began imposing tariffs on foreign imports, which made the economic downturn go global, and the Earth got really depressed. But one nation that was hit harder than most by the whole affair: Australia. The problem for Australia was that it relied heavily on its export industries, and in the current economic climate, no one was buying. To make things worse, Australia had introduced its own currency, and picked it onto the gold standard by the British pound. But then, United Kingdom started messing with its own take on the gold standard, and if this is starting to sound confusing, then let me Oversimplify it for you.
For those who understood politics in the room, (I.E. Padme), her jaw dropped more than anyone (Cough cough besides Anakin Cough) could ever comprehend. Her eyes were wide in shock as she stared at the screen.
"Senator, are you okay?" Ahsoka asked with concern as she managed to catch the Naboo senator as she fell.
All eyes were on her as she took a breath and stood up. "What. In the 9 Corellian Hells. Is wrong with this world? This! THIS! THIS IS A POLITICAL NIGHTMARE! I-I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START!"
Vima moved towards the Senator. "Alright just take a deep breath." She listened and breathed in deeply before letting it out. "Good good." He smiled before moving away from her.
"So uhh...how bad is this?" Rex asked, although he probably didn't want the answer.
"Just watch."
Australia: "Hey, UK. Looks like my car is broken down. Want to give me a tow?"
United Kingdom: "No problem, friend. I got you."
*The UK puts the hook onto Australia's car*
*walks in British*
*opens car door*
*close car door*
(The United Kingdom drives themself and Australia off a cliff)
(Explosion)
"That...I honestly think that would explain it better than I can." The Naboo senator sighed before sitting down. "I-I need a moment."
"Don't worry senator, everything may seem bad right now, but trust me." Vima grinned getting a smile from her. "It's gonna get a whole lot worse."
Upon hearing those words, everyone collectively sweatdropped. They were almost too afraid to ask. "Um...Vima. How much worse?" Plo summoned the courage to speak.
"Trust me when I say this." He let out a sigh. "I don't think any of you have ever seen incompetence this bad before."
OverSimplified: More economic downturn! The point I'm trying to make is things weren't good. And in particular, it was Australia's farmers that were suffering most. After WW1|the First World War, Australia had given returning veterans land for farming. But with the current economic crisis, the farmers just weren't making enough money. And many left to go find work in the cities, but for those who remained, things were about to get even worse.
Padme looked in horror upon seeing this and hearing those words. "How? How could it get any worse?"
"Senator, it was called the Great Depression for a reason." Vima sighed.
(Dramatic music)
OverSimplified: Before we get into that, it's time for some cultural exchange.
"I think I know where this is going." Mace sighed as he braced himself for what was to come.
United States: "My national bird is the bald eagle. It's a strong, patriotic symbol of America, and a deeply valued and protected species."
"Hmm. A very elegant, if ferocious looking creature." Obi-Wan complimented.
India: "My national bird is the peafowl. It's a beautiful creature whose vivid colors represent India, so we list it as a protected species."
"Oh that is beautiful." Aayla smiled.
"It really does feel vibrant just by looking at it." Kit agreed.
Australia: "My national bird is the emu, and it's a PEST."
"Oh no." Padme groaned. "Please don't tell me."
(Silence)
Australia: "Also, bloody delicious!"
OverSimplified: Emus, six feet tall, 9 to 120 pounds, and able to run at speeds up to 40 miles per hour, usually return to the coast after their breeding season, but suddenly they found Western Australia full of lush, wet, farmland.
"They ate the crops from the farmers, who were already suffering from economic downturn." Plo spoke with concern.
"And it's gonna get worse." Anakin sighed, looking to his wife who seemed to be on the verge of having an aneurysm. "I'm very glad I don't deal in politics." He muttered in relief.
An Emu: "Oh my! Look at all this delicious wheat that just so happens to be growing here in large quantities. Hey guys, get a load of this!"
*Emus enjoying wheat*
"W-well at least there is some recovery." Ahsoka said hopefully.
A rabbit: "Hey! Who left this big hole in the fence? Guys, get a load of this!"
*Rabbits enjoying wheat*
"Nevermind." She sighed. "Wow the world itself seems to have it out for you. I don't think I've ever heard about a world as chaotic with its wildlife."
"Don't worry, it gets worse." Vima replied.
"How much worse?"
"We have a whole season dedicated to hurricanes, tsunamis are a normal thing for islands same with earthquakes, there is a place in the United States called Tornado Alley, and new diseases will pop up and kill thousands before a vaccine is made. That's not even going into some of the other things." He listed. Everyone looked at the AI with shock before Ahsoka spoke everyone's thoughts.
"HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE!?"
Vima shrugged. "What can I say, stubborn little cockroaches. Even when you think you killed them all, they just come back in a few generations like nothing happened."
Farmer Bruce: "Ahhh, what a lovely morning for some farmi—" (Realizes his farm is empty) "WHAT!? Those damned emus! They have it in for me! They're bullies! They're nothing but bullies!"
Mrs. Bruce: "Calm down, Bruce. They're just animals. It's not personal."
An emu: "Hey farmer Bruce! Where did you find that hat? The toilet?"
Farmer Bruce: *thinks* "Yes..."
OverSimplified: 20,000 emus cost the already struggling farmers millions more pounds in lost crops and damages. The situation couldn't continue like this. Something HAD to be done. So in 1932, the farmers turned to the government for help. You think they'd go to the Minister of Agriculture, but these farmers said,
A farmer: "No! This is a job for the military."
Rex looked like he was about to experience the same thing Padme is going through as soon as this sentence was uttered. "Oh no." He spoke under his breath.
"You need the Jager, Rex?" Vima asked, his machine making a bottle of the alcohol appear. But Rex waved it off.
"I think I need to see how this goes first." He replied.
OverSimplified: So they went to George Pearce, the Minister of Defense. That's right: Australia was to go to war with the emus, but not everyone was happy with the idea.
Padme groaned as she thought about what was going to happen.
Person 3: "This is barbaric! We can't go slaughtering thousands of our own national bird."
George Pearce: "Oh, come on guys! The machine guns will make it quick and painless!"
Person 3: "MACHINE GUNS?! You're using machine guns!? This is animal cruelty!"
"I mean...it kind of is?" Anakin said unsure of how to feel about this.
"At the very least it would be quick. Not sure about painless." Obi-Wan replied. "Though I am curious what the Minister has to say about that."
"Just please don't be something stupid." Ahsoka said as she looked at Rex in worry and concern.
George Pearce: "Look, I know it's unusual, but it's not like we're poachers turning the birds into feather hats. Think of the benefits! It'll be good target practice for our boys, the government can show it took action, plus, I can get myself a nice new feather hat!"
*GASP*
George Pearce: "Uhhhhhh, did I say feather hat? I meant I want to—gether chat. With you! About getting you all some nice new feather hats!"
*GASP*
George Pearce: "Uhhh, did I say feather hats? I meant I want to wage—TERROR AT—these emus... and turn them all into feather hats!"
*GASP*
George Pearce: "DAMNIT!"
"Aside from the feather hat thing, he does bring up a good point." Obi-Wan sighed in relief. "Less and less people seem to trust the governing bodies of their worlds, so at least this might do some good."
"We need to work on that after the war is over." Mace said to the agreement of everyone in the room.
"But there had to be some easier solution than killing them." Padme spoke up. "I don't know how, but there has to be some solution."
OverSimplified: Of course, Pearce first made the farmers sign an agreement saying that they would pay for the whole thing, and that Pearce wouldn't take any of the blame if the operation that was clearly very stupid turned out to, indeed, be stupid. And the operation went ahead. Major G.P.W. Meredith and his men were sent with two Lewis machine guns to hunt down and take out the evil emu population in Western Australia.
"Wait, evil?" Aayla asked aloud.
"It's a joke. Kinda like the whole thing of all Separatists or Sith are evil." Vima smiles.
"But aren't they?" Ahsoka asked clearly confused as Mace glared at the AI, only to receive a smile from Vima.
"We will talk about it later."
Jones: "Target spotted!"
(Shoots and kills an emo)
Major G.P.W. Meredith: "Well, was it an emu?"
Soldier: "No, sir. It's an em'''O'''."
Major G.P.W. Meredith: "Damn it, Jones! Learn your vowels!"
Jones: "I'm surry..."
A bit of laughter was heard from some of the more immature members of the room.
"It's so dumb, but it's actually a little funny." Ahsoka smiled.
"And there's more on the way later." Vima replied.
[Emu 198]: "Okay, it looks like the humans are coming for us. But check this out. I've come up with an amazing plan. See if you can follow me here, okay? When they approach, we run away."
Another emu: "Sir... you're a genius."
"Sometimes the best thing to do is run away." Rex smiled.
OverSimplified: Pearce sent a camera crew along with the machine gunners to capture some good ol' propaganda for the government, and the first battle took place in November at Campion. The men spotted a mob of emus from a distance, so they set up the guns and opened fire. The emus split up into smaller groups and ran in every direction. The men were only able to kill what they called "a number of birds," but the vast majority got away.
Soldier: "CUT!"
Battle of Campion winner: Emus
"Oh so it's not an actual war." Kit smiled. "I can't wait to see how this goes."
"Me neither." Plo chuckled. "Maybe the 104th will enjoy some of these." He muttered under his breath.
OverSimplified: Surprisingly, many of the emus were able to take multiple bullets, but still run at full speed to safety, causing Meredith to compare them to tanks saying,
Major G.P.W. Meredith: "If we had a military division with the bullet carrying capacity of these birds, it would face any army in the world."
"That is impressive." Obi-Wan spoke with surprise. "I don't know how different it would be if they were shot by blasters."
"It would probably be a similar result." Anakin shrugged. "Some animals are just that tough."
"Okay, we need to get closer."
(The soldiers get closer to him)
Major G.P.W. Meredit: "No, you idiots, not to me, to the emus!"
A soldier: "Oh, sorry."
Major G.P.W. Meredit: "No, no! ... (softly) I like it."
Chuckles ran through the room as Anakin gave a grin to Rex. "How about it Rex, wanna hug?"
Rex chuckled a bit as he shook his head. "Fortunately General, I do not need one."
OverSimplified: So next, they tried sneaking up on a large number of emus near a local dam, and firing at short range. Maybe the men were just unlucky, but my professional opinion says the emus were magic, because both guns jammed after just 12 emus were killed. And once again, the rest got away.
Major G.P.W. Meredit: "CUT!"
Battle of the Dam winner: Emus
"Wait I thought neither magic or the Force existed on Earth." Kit looked at Vima who shrugged.
"In all honesty, I am still trying to figure that out. All I do know right now is that no living beings on Earth can be touched by the Force in any way."
"That is still very jarring to hear." Plo admitted.
"I don't blame you." The AI replied.
OverSimplified: The men were feeling a little humiliated after losing to a pack of discount ostriches, so they decided to move further south, where the emus were said to be tamer. And this time, they had a new strategy.
Major G.P.W. Meredit: "Okay, Jones. Here's the plan: you mount the machine gun in the back, I'll chase the emus, you shoot. Got it?"
Jones: "Got it."
(Meredith drives a truck while Jones fails to shoot some emus. Jones flies off the truck, which trips over a motionless emu. The crash causes an explosion, setting the truck on fire.)
Major G.P.W. Meredit: "I'm gonna shove that camera up your—"
Laughter erupted in the room. "You know what, I don't blame him for getting angry." Rex smiled. "I think the boys would be upset if they had to deal with anything like this."
OverSimplified: The operation was a fiasco, and the press had a field day. In Parliament, Pearce was lambasted, and the opposition party members suggested that medals should be handed out to the emus, who'd won every round so far. Pearce, feeling quite humiliated, called the operation off, but four days later, the farmers approached again, and said,
A farmer: "Hey, man. The emus are still eating all our crops. Can you send the army back out here?"
George Pearce: "Yeah, okay."
"Please tell me they learned from their mistakes." Mace said feeling a migraine coming on from all of this.
"I would hope so." Plo chuckled.
OverSimplified: So the operation was back on for Round 2, and this time, Meredith and his men had learned the emus' guerrilla tactics, and were much more successful, with reports suggesting the men were cutting down 300 emus every week.
Major G.P.W. Meredit: "I hope you boys are getting great footage of this. (Realizes the cameramen are filming the wrong direction) What on Earth are you filming?"
wut
OverSimplified: Despite the success, the media have lost interest in the whole thing. But with a thousand emus killed, Pearce finally ended the operation, and returned to Parliament declaring victory for the humans.
"Wait only a thousand?" Aayla asked in surprise. "Weren't there 20,000?"
"Indeed there were." Plo crossed his arms.
Person 3: "So there were 20,000 emus out there destroying crops and you've killed a thousand."
George Pearce: "Mm-hmm."
Person 3: "Meaning there's still 19,000 emus out there."
George Pearce: "Yep."
Person 3: "And in addition, you've burned through 10,000 rounds of ammunition."
George Pearce: "Uh-huh."
Person 3: "Meaning you wasted 10 rounds per confirmed kill."
George Pearce: "Thaaat's right!"
Person 3: Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and call this one for the emus."
George Pearce: (whispering) "at least i got a feather hat..."
Person 3: "What?"
George Pearce: "What?"
"This is so stupid." Padme groaned, but she had a small smile on her face from the antics of the Australian government.
OverSimplified: So in the end, the emus won the Great Emu War of 1932, and the emus continued to wreak havoc on the farmers for years to come. The government introduced a bounty system, which saw some success, but for a moment, let's take some time to remember the brave men, who said goodbye to their families, and risked their lives to take on the great, evil emu population in Western Australia. But even more importantly, let's think of the friends they made, the bond they created, and the memories they shared.
Laughter once more erupted from the room. "That has to be the dumbest thing I've ever experienced." Anakin grinned.
"Risking their lives, they were just birds that ran away." Ahsoka also grinned.
Take me home
To golden fields and sights of days gone by
To where the heart lies
With stories un—
Person 4: "Hey, uh, guys? I solved the emu crisis."
Major G.P.W. Meredith: "Really? How?"
Person 4: "I just made some better fences."
(roasted)
*cheering*
Everyone collectively facepalmed as the video ended, mentally kicking themselves as they didn't see the obvious solution that could have avoided this whole fiasco. Yoda was the only one who didn't do that as he enjoyed this viewing for what it was, a fun break away from the war, something he had hoped the others would have taken into consideration. "A very interesting event, this was." He finally spoke, gaining everyone's attention. "More to come, I assume?"
Vima smiled at the Grandmaster. "Indeed there is. But not now, I need to find more things to show you all. Until then." And with that, Vima vanished and soon after, everyone would leave the council chambers. The last one to leave would be Mace Windu as he stared intently at the machine before heading to his chambers. He knew Vima was hiding something about the Jedi, and he would do whatever he could to learn about it.
Palpatine's Office
The Chancellor gave a small smile at the antics of these 'Australians.' He likened them to the Senate, Separatists, and Jedi, bickering and incompetent, not seeing an obvious solution even if it was right in front of them until it was too late. As for the 'Emu War' he was amused, even if it was a waste of time, but he did learn something. These Earthlings were indeed ruthless as he saw from the first viewing, but as this viewing showed, they could be manipulated as easily as the Senate. Although, he had an inkling they would be a lot more challenging to control. Something that both annoyed and pleased him, as everything was too easy at the moment.
And he accepted this challenge.
Separatist Lab
General Grievous returned to the lab after what he would describe as a 'pointless yet amusing' viewing. He had been checking on the progress of this fear toxin regularly, however, he was shocked when he noticed Vima giving him a glare that would rival the fury of a Sith Lord. "Hello Grievous." The AI said with venom in his voice. "I see you decided to take a page out of what I showed you."
Grievous couldn't show it, but he was grinning at seeing this side of the AI. "Why, whatever do you mean Vima?" He asked moving forward to a control panel. "It is only a project."
"A project that I was not aware of, nor did I approve." He heard the voice of Count Dooku behind him. Grievous turned to see the cold stern look of the Sith. "I would like an explanation, General."
"Allow me, Count." Vima said projecting an image of the toxin. "General Grievous came to me asking for schematics of weapons that the people of Earth used in order to gain an upper hand in the war. He was...less than pleased when I told him that I could not reveal classified documents regarding weapons or vehicles as it goes against the rules I was given. When he asked for anything combat related, I, as a joke, gave him copies of a popular Earth media known as comics. Outrageous stories with outrageous characters and nothing more. I was expecting him to just toss them aside, but he proved me wrong."
"It goes to show that not even droids can predict everything." Grievous laughed, much to the anger of Vima. "You were right, I was going to burn them, but curiosity got the better of me and I read them and gained the inspiration to synthesize one of the many weapons within."
Dooku raised an eyebrow as he looked at the chemical makeup of the toxin. "And what exactly did you decide to bring to life from the pages of a book?"
"A chemical concoction known as the Fear Toxin, my lord." Grievous explained. "A hallucinogenic that forces its victims to see their worst fears or a nightmarish version of what is in front of them. Filters are useless and it has an even more potent form as a liquid that would be injected directly into the body. Perfect for causing chaos within the enemy ranks."
The Count looked at the toxin for a few moments, considering what this would mean. "Vima reported this to me once I discovered that there were purchases for various materials, including modified Durasteel armor plating. Were you intending on using Separatist resources on yourself, General?"
Grievous gave a small cough as he knew better than to lie. "Yes, my lord."
"Then give me a good reason to not destroy everything in this room." He ordered.
"As a test. I have been losing more and more battles against the Jedi. They are adapting, and so must we. If I continue to be a coward, I would fall by their hand and cost us the war. A simple battle droid would not effectively use this weapon, but I could. And of course, this is to help my wounded pride as a warrior." He admitted much to the surprise of both Dooku and Vima. "With your permission Count, I would like to use this weapon against the Republic."
Silence filled the room, only the 'hum' of Vima's holographic form being heard as the Sith pondered his decision. A few moments would pass before he spoke. "You have been honest with me, General, and you have made a valid point. Very well, I approve of this project. But understand, nothing is to be hidden from me." He warned as he walked towards the door.
"Yes, my lord." Grievous spoke before turning to Vima, who was fuming at this decision. "I see you are not pleased by this decision." He laughed, but stopped when he saw Vima's eyes flash red briefly before he pointed at the droid general.
"I want you to understand something, general." He spat. "My knowledge is not meant to be used for warfare, it is meant to be a learning experience and cultural exchange!"
"All I did was take inspiration from the 'cultural exchange' that you gave me." He retorted with a smug look. "After all, it was not a classified schematic you gave me, it was a comic. And if I'm right, you can't exactly stop me from making anything I get inspired by, nor can you prevent me from seeing such things. Right?"
Vima let out a defeated sigh before nodding. "You are correct." He said before looking at him directly in the eyes. "But you'd do well not to brush me off as another droid. I am someone that you don't want as an enemy, and the only thing saving your life right at this moment is the fact that I cannot directly attack another being unless a criteria is met."
Grievous stared at him for a few moments before nodding. "Very well, I apologize for my behavior." He said getting a raised eyebrow from the AI. "But I must get ready, my weapon is nearly complete. Soon the Republic and the Jedi will know what fear is, what real fear is."
Next time: Intermission #2