Same day. Near 8 PM.
(Takeru's Room.)
The freshness washes over me as I enter my room, some bones cracking as I elongate an arm and rest the towel on a chair. Putting on a shirt, running my hands over my chest, I heave a sigh and slowly sink on my bed. Looking out the window, at what feeble light trickles down yet, it's as if the tide of chaos in me had pulled back and left me empty of all.
What echoes were knocking on the back of my head have been silenced, no further screams defy the quietness of the house. No wind causes fissures in my lips, nothing swirls in my stomach, and I can feel my heart by merely trying.
"Guess I finally got it together, huh," throwing myself onto the sheets, I stretch until tension claims my back, joining my feet as I rest them down.
My body is back to being how it was in the other world after the Kashgar attack, the six-pack strikes back. Even my way of walking, the pace and all is the same. It took me nothing to reach the station, didn't even get tired despite coming home running non-stop. Feet don't ache, and despite the run in I had with the guards there is no lingering pain either.
"So this has to be an effect of causality, right?" I deduce, running a finger in my stomach.
If it isn't, then why the sudden change? Was this data always in me, waiting for the day when I recalled it all? I had been training lately, but it wasn't as serious as what I did back there.
Sitting down, I try and recall what I saw in the game. Those were definitely BETA, without a shred of doubt. Yet the devs did not know of the hives, and of our TSFs only the Takemikazuchi was present in the game. I guess the Elef could be somewhat analogous with the XG, but why would it not be an exact copy like the Type-00? The missions were more elaborate, but in no way were they similar to actual combat.
"It kind of resembled sim training with the Valkyries, now that I think about it. It's the closest analogy I have to offer."
In any case, there is one undeniable fact in front of me. I am conscious of my memories, aware of what happened. Sensei said I wouldn't get a second chance to keep them, so much for that. But then, there's the question.
What the fuck do I do now? Let's see…
Raising up and going to my closet, grabbing paper and a pencil, I sit down on my desk and start scribbling and noting down what I've remembered, trying to detail the events in the timeline.
After a few minutes, I stop and read what I wrote, images and voices coming back as I do. There's no gap in the dates and, even if some details are kinda fuzzy, I definitely remember a lot of stuff not only about my last experiences but about the other loops I took.
Last time all I had was some vague memory of my time after that Christmas when Alt IV was canned and the dread of Babylon, but now I have clear recollections of those days, even if some events are kinda mixed together.
Be it planting the sauntpaulias with Tama, visiting art galleries after a break with Chizuru, going to parks and mountains with Mikoto, simply resting with Kei, or getting slashed in half by Meiya as she insisted on training me in kendo. All of those memories clearly belong to that other world. To the world of December 25th, 2001, the first day officially under Alt V command of Yokohama Base.
From that date onward, it's as if all the memories got bundled together. For example, I know for a fact I did multiple loops in my original state, to call it something, since Kasumi confirmed the memories of other versions of me was indeed within me before I vanished. And in those loops I ended up in different relationships with the girls in my squad. But instead of remembering them as separate things it's like those loops happened all at the same time, from the way I remember it. From that Christmas onward, I remember some days in which I was training the sword with Meiya but I was also watering some flowers with Tama. Perhaps it's because I wasn't that different through those loops, so the memories got jumbled together? I may never find an answer to that, too.
Shrugging as I see the sunlight fading already and shadows claiming the room, I stand up and flick the switch on. Cracking my knuckles again, I resume my scribbling.
The better CCSE, the coup and meeting Her Highness during it, making the XM3, the 00 Unit and the battles that came. No lakes there, I can recall most of last loop no problem.
"Hmm… There is one thing, though," tapping my pen on a particular point in the scribbles, the more I stare the more the salty whip returns to scar.
I can't remember what happened after Operation Iceberg on my first loops. I think that when I didn't die during it I ended up in… Hawaii? Seattle? Well, thing is, I remember some sort of briefing in which they told us the world got fucked hard after the G-Bombs fell. I think Eurasia and Northern Africa ended up underwater, and that's as much as I can remember. The rest are just bits and pieces scattered.
I'm taking out a Reactor with Japanese, American, and French troops, I kind of see Sensei and Kasumi but I can't hear them, and the Shogun was also there at some point, I think? If I die, it's the same regret as I claw at the skies, if I don't there's that hollowness when I cry after putting down a 'comrade'.
"Cough! Ugh… Just thinking about it all makes me sick to my stomach," I wipe my mouth off the strong taste of salt, taking a deep breath to halt the echoes that try to resonate again. "Anyways, I will have to live as if I hadn't remembered anything, in the case that I'm still bringing data from that world here. Wish Yuuko would have given me more intel about the next world I'd end up on."
She did say I'd find myself on a place crafted to meet Sumika's wishes, but then again, I'm not even dating her now. Don't know what I can do if things start happening. Worst case scenario I'll have to hope this world's Sensei can somehow lend me a hand in reverting whatever it is that made me remember, and hope that it doesn't take us sneaking into the reactor of the university again.
But that's just a what if. Things might be fine this time around since I didn't came back forcefully, and I had forgotten everything when I came back here.
Actually… When did I came back here?
"…Huh, that's a good question."
From what I recall… there hasn't been any oddities or lakes in my memories, like when I ran away for a week or so. Mmh… I can't remember if I got Sumika's shoe passed to me, but I do remember helping Sensei print her behemoth of a thesis in this world too. So, if there were any odd quantum shenanigans afloat, she should be able to confirm it. But, as far as I recall, I've been living a quiet life here. So maybe all of this was part of me, like what Yuuko said would happen if I returned and didn't think of the other world.
Then, the timelines got reset, my 'data' got assimilated back into my world but remained dormant until now, when it awoke to the sight of the BETA? Hmm…
There's also the chance that my memories aren't the cause of the leak but an effect of it. In which case I'll have no choice but to take cards in the matter.
Resting the pencil on the desk, I stand up and stretch. "Well, on one hand I'm glad I got my memories back. If I forgot it would be like everyone who died was truly gone forever. So long as I remember, they will live with me. I only need to remain attentive to-"
A sudden noise runs through the house, into my room. Swallowing a sigh, a quake assails my knees as the phone begins to ring downstairs. Is it the guys? Of course they are. I'm sure they would want to know what the hell happened to me. I mean, imagine you're chilling in the room, eating some good luxurious food with the whole gang, and then Tsukuyomi-san comes back with blood on her head and tells you:
"Takeru-sama beat the living shit out of our guards, started crying like a bitch, threw me like a ragdoll against the wall, and then went home. Shucks! Here, have some more pudding!"
I suppose I'll just have to make stuff up and keep our talks short. I guess… staying away from them is all I can do, until I see whether people lose their memories when interacting with me.
Dragging myself downstairs, I pick up the receiver. "…Hello, Shirogane residence."
Nobody answers back.
I wait for a few moments… Still nothing.
"Hello? Is this a prank? Because I'm gonna hang up." Not in the mood today.
"D-Don't!" a familiar voice yells on the other side of the line all of a sudden, as if stung by boiling water. "Please don't hang up, Takeru."
Meiya.
Why is she calling me?! No, I can't risk any causality leak to affect her. If she interacts with me and, for whatever reason, I'm still pulling stuff here she's gonna die. And a horrible death, no less.
"…Takeru? Are you still there?"
Don't make that creaky voice, dammit. It's going to be hard enough with Sumika coming to college with me everyday. Let's make this quick.
"What can I do for you, Mitsurugi-san?" I grip the receiver tightly, closing my eyes. Gotta keep my cool, don't do anything stupid, myself.
"Why… Why do you not call me by my name, Takeru?"
"It's not proper, I… should show respect to you. I'm just a civilian."
"That's not true! You're important to me. Takeru, you don't have to-"
"Mitsurugi-san, did you need anything? I'm kinda busy at the moment." I can hear her shuffling her breath, trying not to cry. Or is she just angry? Definitely angry. Please get angry and hang up.
"Takeru, can we meet? I'd welcome the chance to have a talk with you. In private."
"No, I already told Tsukuyomi-san all I had to tell you. If you have any business with me, you can simply tell me now." I can't drag this conversation anymore. I don't wanna hang up suddenly, but she IS stubborn.
"…Are you mad at me?" A small, almost broken, sliver of sound barely makes it through the speaker.
"W-What?" Why would I be mad at her? Of all the people in this world, why would I be angry at her?
"You're not upset about… how I broke our promise?"
Promise? Oh, the promise in the park? When did she- Oh, so that's it. She thinks I'm mad because she married somebody else since I told Tsukuyomi-san I remembered everything. Thanks Meiya, you just gave me my excuse.
"I guess, I simply realized how stupid I was. There's no way I could stand by your side. I'm a normal person, I don't belong in your world," I say, flat and dull, causing a small groan, a lack of air to assault her. Sorry, I can't risk you dying in that way.
"That… That is simply not true! I've… I know you're faring well in college. And I do not care in the slightest how others see you. These two years… Takeru, I… When Tsukuyomi told me you had called, I was…"
Such a soft, sweet voice. So honest, so creaking. Like a falling glass before it's forever shattered, slowly as if walking over spikes. Scared.
Closing my eyes, the back of my head hurting, one of my hands clutches my collar. Heartbeats knocking on in my neck, that odd ringing returns to my ears. And for a brief second, everything goes white.
After the spinning, the blank blindness leaves me. Blinking slow, behind the veil of haziness, something blurs into form. A tall mountain, coldness slowly setting atop my shoulder. Immediately followed by heavy pain on my sides, hits and strikes reiterating on my arms, that feel swollen.
It's hard to move my feet, my heels wail at the mere touch of the ground. The soil feels cold, it's snow, hard to walk forward, to remain still and straight up as more of those strikes force my knees to betray my posture.
But beyond that heaviness, that crushing sensation all over me… there is then warmth, the raw sunlight of someone's hold over me. And a scent, a scent that whispers petals through my body.
By my side, as when we first met. Cradling my head, whispering a good morning as she embraces me. Those azure eyes… of my Meiya… as we lean closer, for a morning kiss, as we hug each other, enveloping the other in our body heat. Despite the swollen pain, the contraction at the minimal movement, it all pales in front of the warm cloak she spreads.
"T-Takeru? Are you still listening?" she asks, making my breathing hiccup. "Please answer me, Takeru," crumbling like a tree in front of a Destroyer, that's her voice as she hurries me to reply. So scared, so tense.
Yet the haziness retracts, leaving me teary eyed for a second. What was- Another memory? From where? That gaze, that sweet gaze wasn't from my loops. Meiya always had a more firm countenance over there, she never had that innocent halo to her features. Then… Then, was that a memory from-
"Takeru, please," she pleads, low, barely coordinating the syllables, "say something, anything…"
Why… Why do you have to make this so hard?! Couldn't you just have forgotten about me?! If you keep this up, you might die. Meiya doesn't deserve that fate. No, I can't- I won't let her die like that. Hell no, never. Forgive me, but if I have to be cruel to keep you away, I'll do it.
So, taking a sharp breath in, drying my mouth, knees shaking a bit, I speak from my stomach. "Meiya."
"W-What?" she seems to have tensed up as I address her by name. "I'm here, listening."
"I was the one who broke our promise first." I can hear a gasp, followed by utter silence. I'm sorry. "I… fell in love with someone else. But now, we can't be together anymore." This is technically not a lie. Even when one of those I fell in love with was a parallel version of her.
"…What are you saying?"
"I dated her for some time, but… She had to leave. Somewhere far away. I'll probably never see her again," I close my eyes, that moment of clawing at the stars choking all air outta my lungs.
The fact that the fleet may have actually exploded before reaching its destination will forever haunt me. No, now that I know that there are billions upon billions of BETA out there… Even if they reached the planet safely, the BETA would eventually make their way to it. They died too. There was no way they could have survived with so little people, unless the BETA took centuries, or maybe thousands of years, to reach the planet. And maybe even then…
Sigh… I truly never managed to save anyone, not a single person. Heh, to think Yuuko called me a hero before I left. You were the heroine. Me? I just was the hammer in your hand… or maybe not even that.
"You're lying! That's… That's not true!" she screams into the receiver, not even holding back. Her eyes are full of fire, I'm sure.
"So, this one's on me. Forgive me for not giving you an answer and running away when we went to the hot springs. I still don't have the guts to tell you in person. I'm sorry."
"Then, why did you call me?! Why were you so angry at the salon?! Why did you beat up the guards?! Why didn't you tell me this there, when you were the one who invited me?! Takeru, why!?"
And she finally snapped. Let's finish this, one more cold blow and she surely will never forgive me.
"Because I… wanted to apologize, because you deserve an apology. I'm sorry, for taking your time before, for not noticing anything until it was too late, for everything. Farewell, Meiya. Please don't contact me again."
"Takeru, wait! I haven't-" I hang up, slamming the receiver with a shaky hand.
"Please don't call back. Please forget about me. Just move on, and live a happy life. You deserve it, Meiya."
Slowly walking to the table, crashing onto a chair, I bury my face into my arms. Repeated strikes of cold on my back, tears that don't stop but also don't want to come out. Just limply lying onto the wood, clawing at my scalp.
This is for the best. I can't risk anyone dying. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if anything happened because of me. But how can I know if I'm still a causality conductor? I mean, Yuuko said I was no longer one after Sumika died since she was what turned me into one to begin with.
Should I try speaking with her? No, I should just act like I've been so far. Remember her advice, act as if you don't remember anything. Otherwise, I just may end up bringing all the death in that world here, and this time I might not be able to just infiltrate the U's nuclear reactor.
Ugh… Slumping face first onto the wood, a hand cradles my stomach as I can't help but to sigh and scream in unison again. I'm going to take another shower, fix me something to eat, and hit the sack early. After all next Monday is back to college, so I gotta start preparing my stuff.
Hopefully everything will stay the same. I just gotta deal with Sumika. I have to keep being cold to her, keep going alone to college, keep avoiding her on the weekends. She'll eventually get fed up with me, we stopped talking by the window after we started college so it's a matter of time.
I turn the TV on as I go to the fridge, to have some background noise and keep the silence away. Let's see here… I'll use some eggs, the cabbage and…
"Yeah, this should do. Compared to the synthetic food we had back there, this is luxury."
Grabbing the stuff, getting the knife and table ready to start cooking, I simply rest everything there. Just looking at the food in silence as the news drone on. Looking back at my house, remembering my time with them here. My times with them over there. The now empty table, where alone I'm going to eat. As opposed to all the times when we…
"Why? Why did I…" still unable to shed tears, I rest the knife on the wood before my shaky hands do something stupid. No deep breaths, no massage to my temple can quell the numbing that crawls up my nape.
All that fighting. All that suffering. To end up being the only-
"No, don't start a pity party. I have one last duty to see through."
To live. For all the ones that gave me this chance. I gotta protect this peace, so I have to calm down. I'll let it all out tonight, in the loneliness of my room. I can only hope I'm not a conductor anymore, otherwise…
Well, no getting depressed. In a few days I'll know. No, wait, I can test it out tonight. I just gotta talk with mom and dad when they come back, and if they forget me-
Then, what? They might call the cops on me, thinking I'm a burglar. I guess I'll… have to knock them down, take some money with me and reach out to Yuuko immediately if that's the case.
What if she forgets about me too before she can help me? I… I'll have to steal the microwave and get into the reactor myself. Like hell I'll let this world get screwed again after all the fuckups I've-
With a slow creak the door opens, their usual loud voices follow suit as they enter the house. Gulping down, sight grows hazy for a second as a shiver runs down my back.
Let's roll the dice. Will it be a one or a twenty?