4
We walked on talking about many different things. Finally we made it back to my house, after walking over all the remains of District 12. Seeing all the destruction that happened to the town still brought tears to my eyes, even though I have seen it many times now. Peeta also seemed very distant and rigid as we walked away from the ruins. He couldn't even look at the burnt down bakery. I thought of Peeta's family. His mother was not the nicest person, but his father was very sweet. I remember right after I volunteered for Prim, he gave me cookies. Because I was determined to hate Peeta, I never got a chance to eat them. Now, Peeta had no family. He only had Haymitch and me, and we weren't much considering that we were basically just as broken as he was.
I tried to move back away from Peeta for a couple of seconds. He seemed to be saying his silent goodbyes. I knew he had to be alone for this. Even though he wasn't particularly close to his family, I knew it still hurt, and no amount of comforting would help.
We walked by the part of the fence where I used to sneak out to go hunting. I winced at the memory. I was afraid to go out there, now. The Meadow, which used to be my safe haven, the place I would go to escape the Capitol, was tainted. Memories of Gale and how he wasn't here, memories of the dead, as the Meadow was now their grave. I have even found out that, my time out there was even observed by the Capitol. I, in all reality, wasn't free at all. There was nothing for me out there, and again I felt the world crashing around me at the thought.
I collapsed. Peeta stopped mid-step, completely taken off guard. I curled up into a ball and started crying, right there on top of the remains of District 12, of my old life. I mentally scolded myself for being so vulnerable, especially right in front of Peeta, but, frankly, I didn't care. So I laid there and cried. Cried for the deaths of so many, cried for being so broken, cried for all the losses and the mistakes along the way. That was all I was good for these days, crying.
Peeta had a look of complete astonishment on his face. He had no idea what to do. He sat down next to me, and asked with a bit of concern in his voice, "Katniss? What's wrong? Are you hurt?" I tried to stifle the tears, but they just kept on flowing. Somehow I managed to say, "I'm scared of myself, of the future, or everything." I don't know why I admitted this. "It's okay. It's going to be okay." I ignored him. It was a stupid thing to say. When would things ever be ok again? Everything has changed. Even he, who was supposed to be the only constant thing in my life, changed. But then, he started to stroke my hair. It was the only real physical interaction I had with him since he tried to choke me. It was comforting, feeling his strong, reassuring hands on me.
Soon enough, I stopped crying. I didn't move, though. I lied there, staring at nothing particular, but never shifting my gaze. I was constantly looking at the ground. Peeta didn't say anything. He just sat there and continued to stroke my hair. We sat like this for what felt like years, but must have been only an hour or two. Finally, Peeta said, "We need to go home." I was about to protest, but I didn't have the energy. Just laying here without doing anything seemed so much easier. Peeta, realizing I wasn't going to move, did the first thing that came to his mind. He picked me up and started to carry me home. I didn't struggle against his grasp. I didn't even look at him. Instead I stared at the ground.
A couple of minutes later, he opened the door to my house and walked inside. He walked upstairs to my bedroom. He placed me in the bed, pulled the covers up to me chin, and said, "Goodnight." Next thing I knew, he was gone.
I checked the clock, and saw that it was barely noon. I was exhausted, though. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I tried to stay awake for as long as possible, anyways. I didn't want to face my dreams, not now. I hated myself for turning so weak, just at the sight of the Meadow. When did I turn into someone who could barely walk three steps without having a mental meltdown? When did I become such a weak person? And I knew. Just like that. The answer to my questions was the answer to everyone's pain. The Capitol. Snow succeeded, though he is not alive to bask in his glory. He finally cracked me. Maybe not in the way he thought he would, though. He wanted me out of the rebellion. I was useless, now. I could bare take care of myself. I could barely survive. That hurt a lot worse.
I didn't know when I actually fell asleep. Maybe sometime in the middle of the night or in the middle of the next day? I just knew that nightmares started. In my dreams, I was sitting in an empty room, but I couldn't move. I was completely frozen. Eventually, every person I have ever known that is dead walked up to me one by one. They told me that their deaths were my entire fault. I tried to scream, to tell them that I tried. I really tried to save them, but I couldn't speak. I could only sit and listen to their accusations. It changed the next moment. Now I was on fire. Prim was standing next to me. The fire was getting hotter and hotter, and all I wanted was some water. I then saw a pond a couple feet away, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move there. Prim jumped into the pond, telling me to join her, but I couldn't. She kept on swimming farther and farther away, still calling me.
When I finally woke up, it was dark outside. The clock said it was about four in the morning, but I didn't care. It didn't matter. I was drenched in sweat. I was so hot. I was burning, but I didn't want to move. The shadows dancing around my bedroom scared me, and I felt safe, truly safe, at this moment. As if nothing could get me as I laid here hiding under the covers of my bed. I started to hyperventilate and my heart rate started to go up. I counted to ten to try to calm myself, and when that didn't work, I tried again. I cursed myself for not answering the telephone whenever Dr. Aurelius called. He could have actually given my some helpful advice as to how to calm down in these situations. I told myself that the next time the phone rang, I would definitely answer it.
As soon as I finally got a hold on myself, I started to curse myself out. I was falling apart. I was broken. I saw Prim, her sweet little face, smiling up at me everywhere. I was afraid of practically nothing. Everything reminded me of the dead, of how I basically had a hand in all their deaths. There was no bringing them back.
I lied in bed for the rest of the day, not moving an inch. No one came looking to see if I was okay, and that suited me just fine. I wanted to be alone. I didn't think I could face anyone at that moment. I couldn't let them see me so helpless and vulnerable. I should have been hungry, but I wasn't. I hadn't eaten in over a day. I fell back asleep. This time no nightmares invaded my sleep. It was completely dreamless.
When I woke up, it was dark again. I found a cup of water on the nightstand by my bed. I reached for it. My tongue was dry, and memories of my first Hunger Games came to my mind. Dehydration was a scary thing. I feel back asleep. Again it was thankfully dreamless.
Soon enough, I felt myself being shaken awake. I heard a voice say, "Katniss, wake up!" I was confused. This voice didn't sound happy. I wanted to run away from it, but it just seemed to get closer and louder. "Katniss!" It was screaming. I could now tell the voice belonged to a male. Next thing I knew, I was cold and soaking wet. I opened my eyes and screamed. How did this water make it to my bed?
My eyes brought a sight that made me more furious than I possibly ever have been. Haymitch was holding a bucket, staring at me. I sat up and lunged at him, wanting more than anything to get revenge for the deed he has just done. Instead he seemed to know how I would react, so he side-stepped a couple of inches, and I landed on the floor with a clunk. I was seething, practically smoking with anger. "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
He just nonchalantly replied, "You have been asleep for three days. You needed to get up."
His relaxed attitude annoyed me more than anything. I wanted to yell, scream, kick, and anything else that would make up a full-blown temper tantrum, but I was more mature than that. Plus, I would never give Haymitch the satisfaction. Instead, I left him my room and walked downstairs. I will just have to curl up in some other bed to go back to sleep, I thought to myself, but Haymitch seemed to be ten steps ahead of me. He quickly followed me saying, "Oh, no you don't. You are definitely not getting off the easily."
I spun on my heel to face him. He was closer than I expected, being on a couple of inches from me, but I did my best to hide my surprise. I said as coolly as possible, "Getting ice water dumped all over me, while I was sleep, was easy?"
"Sweetheart, you have done it billions of times to me," he reminded me. "Get over it." Those words plain and clear seemed to pierce me like and arrow. I all I could do was glare at him.
"What do you want?" I said icily. I was not in the mood for anything this morning. I was practically at the point of ripping his head off.
"You are going to clean up, take a shower, brush your teeth, and whatever else you need to do, and then you are going to meet me downstairs in one hour. Then, you are going to eat something. Lastly, I am going to give you the phone so you can talk to the shrink or whatever he is. You can be cooperative and it will all be easy, but if you decide to be uncooperative, I will personally glue the phone to your ear until you start talking."
I saw a glimpse of worry in Haymitch's eyes. For Haymitch to be worried, it had to be bad. I knew this was as close to taking care of me as he was going to ever get. I also did promise myself I was going to talk to the shrink, first chance I'd get. So, to Haymitch's apparent surprise, I quietly agreed and moved back toward the bathroom. I felt his eyes following me, positive that he believed I would try to make a run for it, but instead I just turned on the faucet, waited for the bath to fill up, and stepped into the warm bathwater. It felt like the most relaxing thing I had ever felt in ages.