8

I guess deep down I have always known that I would have feelings for Peeta. They must have always been there, but too many things got in the way. The Hunger Games, the rebellion, Gale. I even think that I got in the way sometimes. I never got the chance to really figure out how I feel about Peeta. I was thrown into the whole star-crossed lover romance story to survive. Now I realize that he is perfect for me. He balances me out. While Gale was all fire and fight. Peeta is the calm after the storm. He is the one that gets me through the night. I have enough fire alone. I smiled through my tears. I think it would be ok for me to love Peeta from afar for a while. I played with his feelings so much, that he at least deserves that.

"Shhhhhh," Peeta said, still holding me. I realized now that it was dark. The shadows in the room didn't seem as scary, with Peeta here. All the things I was usually scared of seemed ridiculously mild, compared to fear I was now feeling about realizing something so important in your life. The fear of losing him. I thought about telling Peeta, but once I looked up into his face, I couldn't. My fears clutched the words, and kept them from leaving my lips. He seemed so peaceful, so content. He hasn't been this calm in a really long time. Life seemed to be going well for him. How could I break that? There was too much that could go wrong. I could ruin everything just by uttering those three words. I could lose him so easily.

I have taken him for granted way too many times. I never truly appreciated every time he has come back to me. After I broke his heart on the train ride home from our first Hunger Games, after he was captured by the Capitol and was tortured, even now after he is practically completely healed from his hijacking. He, who was always patient with me, never pushed me and always accepted the fact that

"How long have I been asleep?" I asked Peeta.

He looked at the clock before saying, "A couple of hours. You seemed really tired, like you haven't been getting enough sleep. I thought I would let you rest. Then, you started having a nightmare, and so I woke you up."

"Yeah," I said, grimacing at the memory of the most recent nightmare. "They have been keeping me up at night. I can't seem to find a way to keep them away."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. They stopped for a while, but they came back quickly," he replied.

His nightmares stopped? He never mentioned this. Having the nightmares stop is an accomplishment. I would have thought he would have told me, but then again, we don't tell each other everything anymore. "When did they stop?" I asked.

"Oh. I guess stopped isn't really the right answer, more like changed," he said, now avoiding my eyes.

I was confused. What did he mean by changed? I waited for him to continue. Realizing I wasn't going to comment on his statement, he continued, "Well, during my hijacking, my nightmares weren't about the Hunger Games anymore. They were about you, but they weren't nightmares, so to speak. They weren't scary at least. I could just see you transforming into some mutt that the Capitol made me believe you were. I was more confused than ever, because somewhere deep down, I guess I had always known that it wasn't you."

Peeta was put through so much, all for me. He was tortured and hurt countless of times, because of me. Me. Me. Me. I always seemed to be the cause for pain everywhere. No matter how much I tried to protect everybody, I just seemed to bring pain to everybody. Maybe I should run. I thought about it once before, but that was to escape. Now, I was thinking about running to prevent my bad luck from ruining anymore lives. Maybe Peeta would come with me? He said he would a long time ago. I pushed the thought away from my mind. I would not ask Peeta to come with me. I already have taken him for granted way too many times. I refused to do it another time, but I was going to leave. I promised myself that. I was better suited somewhere else. Somewhere, where I might be at least a little help. I couldn't stand another moment here. There were too many horrible memories, too many reminders of death everywhere I look. I was suffocating.

I was going to need help getting out of District 12. Technically, I was supposed to stay here, because I was "unstable." Apparently, people didn't appreciate it when someone killed their president, I thought to myself, darkly. Haymitch would probably be willing to help. He has always been willing to give me what I want, or at least consider the possibilities.

"Well, since I have practically been healed, my dreams have drifted back to the Hunger Games," Peeta then said, bringing me out of my reverie.

I felt tears well up into my eyes. Leaving him was going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I felt my heart crack just a bit at the thought. He and I were always a team. But I had to do it. I was going to spend as much time with him as I could, before I did though.

I was scared. Where would I go? Maybe to District 4 with my mother? Or maybe to the Capitol, itself? Or maybe I will just run into the wild and just disappear completely. If anybody could survive out there, it was me. The tears then spilt over. The sobs shook my body. Peeta wrapped his arms tighter around me.

"It's ok, Katniss. It was just a dream Katniss," Peeta whispered into my ear, guessing why I was upset incorrectly.

I was crying, because of how scared I was. I was scared more than anything of losing him, of him dying, but here I was, planning to leave him. Never again would I see him. I was selfish and horrible. But he should have the chance to live his life, right? He shouldn't be here in the middle of the night, comforting me. He should be getting the pieces of his life together, not trying to succeed in the impossible task of fixing mine. Maybe he will fall in love again. It was evident that he didn't love me anymore. Didn't he say it himself? I wasn't pretty, or nice, and I was a piece of work, I think was how he put it.

I found myself thinking about the future. A much older looking Peeta, married to a girl, more beautiful then I could ever imagine being. Two kids running around the yard in front of their house. Him, baking bread as his wife comes up to him. He turns around and kisses her, and my heart breaks at the thought. I smile through the tears though, I just want to see him happy.

Peeta continued to whisper in my ear. I let Peeta's words comfort me, because I knew that nothing else would. I was going to be selfish for just a little bit longer. He continued to mumble words of comfort, and I held on to them, letting them ground me. I told myself over and over I would not freak out, and I didn't. I was proud of myself, though the accomplishment was small, it felt like I conquered the world. Sometime later, maybe hours or it could have been minutes, I was pulled under into a deep sleep, still curled up in Peeta's arms. There were no dreams. The sleep was actually peaceful.

I know, I know this is a really short chapter. I absolutely hated writing it, though. It took me forever just to write this much. Again, I know Broken Katniss is getting a bit on my nerves too. Katniss has always been a bit insane, though, and pretty much has only ever seen the worst in herself. Trust me, it's going to get way better. There is going to be a lot of Peeta and Katniss in the next few chapters. Maybe also a touch of Haymitch's sarcasm, too. ;)

Anyways, the next few chapters are going to come a lot faster, since I definitely know what I am writing and where this story is going. I am hoping to post the next chapter either, late tonight or early tomorrow, and have another one down by the end of the week.

Probably should stop writing now, because this author's note is getting kinda ridiculously long. As always, I appreciate reviews (especially ones that tell me to hurry up and post something). Tell me what you think!