NOTE: OLOBA universe, OC/Jazz, Can sort of be read as a oneshot, I don't think you need to know much about the big story to understand this. Just that Jazz and Mikaela's sister Malena have been tryin' to get some alone time for a while as she healed from an explosion... and of course, shit happens and the UST grows horrendously.

Partially inspired by Alien: Resurrection and the way Johner killed the spider. that's so me. LOL.

Somewhat written for the Phobia Challenge over at Flesh&Steel, though I can't really enter cause i'm a damn mod haha, but it was a fun write! (one of the stipulations is using 5 of 26 words on a list, which is why they're underlined) I'd consider this one a bit between Chapter 40 and 41, one of the many times Jazz and Malena were interrupted tryin' to get their fuck on. LOL.

He smelled like motor oil and the strong coffee he'd lure me in here with. Tasted like it too. I asked him about it. He just smiled and said, "I think its a permanent part of my system now." I didn't dare ask more details, for fear of not only my brain exploding, but not wanting him to stop what he was doing.

I'd laughed outright when I'd spotted the grey Pontiac cup on the floor outside the human barracks. Then, further on, a spoon on a napkin, and so on with a few packets of sugar, a doughnut, then, finally, after opening a door I'd never seen before, I found a topless Jazz holoform, sitting half on his Solstice car form (thank the GODS re-adopting that alt again!), holding a hot steaming pot of coffee.

"I KNEW that would work!"

... and that's how I ended up flat on my back. Again.

Man this dude is warm. It was weird, really, him being a hologram and all, but scientific thought was beyond me at this point, especially with his knee between my thighs and both hands working frantically (and uselessly) to unsnap my bra. Nice warm hands, a strange yet very funky contrast to the slightly chilled hood I'd been unceremoniously dumped on the moment he got the cup away from me.

Perhaps I shouldn't have let him watch me shower.

Waitaminute, fuck that. I should have done it last week! And from now on, three times a fuckin' day.

Then, there was the growl, that somewhat adorable and totally sexy frustrated growl that came from both the holoform AND the silver Solstice I was happily sandwiched between. Well, it would have been completely yummy if I wasn't trying so hard not to laugh at my ever-increasingly pissed off mech/man/boyfriend.

"Fraggit."

"Having problems?" I asked innocently, trying very hard not to bust out into giggles and ruin the fun.

"No." another growl, one that reverberated deliciously wherever there was skin/metal/skin contact. I almost lost track of what was going on til I felt the elastic snap against my back again as he failed repeatedly to release the non-existent back clasp of my bra. "Gonna tear this fuckin' thing."

"Babe?"

"Hmm."

I had to let him off the hook, figuratively. "It's a front clasp."

He froze, then moved up to glare at me. "... and you waited this long to tell me cuz..."

I grinned. "You're cute when you're mad."

His bright blue eyes darkened above me, and the slick silver body beneath my back rumbled. A dual deep voice said "Bad Lena," like having speakers with the bass turned high and holy shit was that a turn on, both scary and... well, GUH. But when it came to Jazz my vocabulary went down the toilet. 'Guh', some days, was the only way to describe the effect he had on me. Didn't help that his doubled up voice pretty much told me I was going to get mauled and there was shit all I could do about it.

My inner cheerleader did a bouncy pom pom dance.

The holo suddenly grinned, and slowly slid his body down, pointedly ignoring the now very obvious gold clasp between my boobs and focusing further down, heading to much more interesting places.

Holy shit, he's never done THAT before. Well, not in holo-form, I remembered fondly, my god that mech has a talented and verrrrry dextrous mouth. Once again I thanked the Java Gods for yoga. But here, now, with a holoform Oh man.

But as usual Jazz did the unexpected. Instead of yanking my panties apart like Kleenex and hiding the remnants (I didn't bother asking where they went anymore), a long caramel coloured finger dipped in, brushing a sensitive hipbone, lifted... and snapped the elastic.

I squeeked, then glared at the twinkly-eyed fucking insane holoJazz, who just grinned back unrepentantly, then dipped his head, dreads settling against my skin, tickling, and blew a big wet raspberry on my belly.

OHMYGOD THAT TICKLES.

I screamed like a little girl and tried to push him off but he had a nice weight advantage over me, keeping me pinned with his legs, and blowing into my belly as I flailed futilely.

"Say you're sorry!" He laughed between belly blows, struggling lightly to keep me pinned down as I tried to throw him off with my hips.

"Not apologizing for your doofus-ness." I giggled, nearly toppling him off me with an upward hipthrust.

"Hmmm." he hummed and reached one hand behind him down towards my feet. "I seem to remember these things are particularly sensitive..."

Oh oh. All Business voice. Shit. "Okay okay, sorry. Dumb-ass." I said the last in a mutter, but surrendered when he threatened the sanctity of my ticklyfeet.

That lithe, strong body slid against mine as he raised himself back up, grinning like an asshole, and was about to lean down and kiss me (finally dammit!) when I saw the biggest mood-killer in the entire fucking universe.

"OHMYFUCKINGGOD GET OFF ME GET OFF AHHHHHH!"

Poor Jazz went flying and I rolled off his hood and was across the room in three seconds flat, up on a box and staring at the... well, I couldn't see it anymore, but I knew the fucker was there.

"The hell, woman?" an exasperated and very naked holoform flung his arms wide in confusion. He was very distracting but I wasn't going to look away from... that... not for anything. Not til it was dead.

"Spider. Over there."

Eyebrow up, he looked over his car-form, then at me, then back at his car form... then bodily twitched when contact was made. The little eight-legged bastard settled on Jazz's hood, no longer suspended above it by the single thin stringything... then crawled across it, trying to find a place to bed down, or make babies, or eat him... ugh... UGH.

Jazz's holo pointed at the little brown bug and stared in amazement at me. "That?"

"Kill it." I said from atop the box, shivering from my adrenaline rush and utter terror.

His voice went up a notch. "That little thing?"

The spider stopped, turned around, and went the other way, towards his windshield and the air intake vents. A full-body shudder went through me and I really REALLY couldn't help the disgusted girly hand-flapping. Jazz's shoulders shook as he took in the scene. Asshole.

"You faced, no, you RAN DOWN Decepticons in a tractor, got shot at, blown up, and all the other fun shit that comes with big mechs from outer space, and you're afraid of THAT?"

By the end of his little speech he was practically howling with laughter.

"I'd kick you square in the ballsack if you weren't so close to that fuckin' thing. Kill it!"

Of course, he didn't. He did the ultimate in disturbing things. He, still ass-naked with his magic wand floppin' in the breeze, strolled over to his true form, reached his pointer finger down, and let the spider crawl onto his hand. I screamed with my mouth shut and hand-flapped again, bobbing up and down on my toes, trying very hard not to run like a bitch and find Ironhide. Now HE would shoot the spider for me.

"It's kinda cute!"

WHAT? "It's the spawn of HELL!"

He mock-glared at me, then took the spider to the door, kneeled (ooh, nice view!) and shook the spider off his hand. "Run! Run away! Before my mean ol' girl steps on you!"

"My hero." I deadpanned. It WAS hilarious and irrational and stupid, but UGH... spiders. "Blegh!"

"Awwww, it's okay, he's gone." Jazz reached out to me, and once again I got distracted by those taut muscles and the dreads and those nearly glowing blue eyes and... wait. He touched it. Shit, he might still have it. I didn't actually see the spider fall off and run away. He might still have it... oh god.

"NO!" I flew off the box and ran to his car-form, ducking behind it. "No way. Not with your spider-groping hands!"

"Aww come on!" Exasperated, Jazz circled around himself and tried reaching for me again, obviously enjoying this but frustrated at the same time. I squealed and shot off to the other side, suddenly laughing at the whole situation. Never did I ever think I'd be running AWAY from a naked Jazz!

And of course, that's when my baby sister and her 16 foot yellow robot sidekick walked in. They stopped chatting mid-sentence and just stared at me in my knickers and Jazz's bare-assed pursuit in circles around his car-form, which was shuddering in place from laughter.

Mikaela just stared as we both froze in place and stared back. Then she shook her head, waved her arms at us, and screeched, "What kind of kicky-ass shit did we walk in to?"

"Ummmm..." Jazz holo-poofed some boxers on real fast and tried reasoning with my freaking out little sister and the giggling Bumblebee. "It ain't what it looks like."

"What kind of toys were you going to try on her, Jazz?"

That stopped me dead. "You have toys?"

Jazz de-poofed his holo and transformed. "Girl, you don't even know what I'm capable of." He answered with a sleazy grin and a visor flash. "I'd show ya if you'd stop runnin'!"

I checked the floor where the holo used to be, and didn't see an eight-legged demon from the underworld ninganinging away from where he could have dropped. Phew. Poor Jazz though, tryin' to get nookie and all I could do is run away. Shit.

I ignored my guilt for a moment and explained to the baffled Mikaela that we were NOT engaging in kinky sex games... well, we weren't when they walked in. Lucky the spider showed up or they woulda caught us doin' the nasty. Scarring my sister was fun, but permanent trauma was NOT on the agenda. So I confessed to what happened. "Jazz had a spider on 'im."

"EEWW!" Mikaela did the 'icky' dance too, thankfully. I didn't feel like such a coward when we had that much in common.

Bee didn't even grin. He lifted the bottom of his foot guiltily and made that adorable whiny noise that never failed to get the females attention. Jazz noticed our attention wasn't on him and poked at Bee's left doorwing.

"I think I stepped on it."

"YES!" I cheered, applauding my new hero, who got smacked in the chest by my irritated mech.

"Awwww! You squashed it?"

Bee looked horribly guilty. "Sorry."

Mikaela had sympathy on him. "Babe, you did the right thing."

Jazz scoffed and pouted, obviously disturbed by the arachnid homicide. "Yeah Bee, big hero, what do ya do for an encore, juggle kittens while burning down orphanages?"

"Jazz!"

And still he grumbled. "Poor innocent lil spider..."

"Jazz, if I'd stomped a rabbit, you'd be hugging my leg in thanks right now."

"..." Neither of us human broads could say anything but muffled squeaks for a minute as Jazz's visor darkened in embarassment and a bit of anger.

"Asshole." He muttered.

"You're afraid... of bunnies? Why?" Mikaela had to ask.

And the first thing that popped into my head and out of my stupid mouth was, "Cause he looks like one?"

"Oh, fuck y'all!" Jazz spun on his heel and stomped out of the room, followed by howling laughter from the rest of us. I felt kind of bad for laughing at him, but in a way, fuck it. Payback for laughing at my spideyphobia.

Before he was completely out of the room I called out to him. "There goes my playgirl bunny halloween costume, I guess."

Only Bee could understand the bellowed Cybertronian as the door slammed.

A/N: don't ask me why jazz is afraid of bunnies. I don't know either. that's why it's an irrational fear. LOL. And excuse me shitty endings, I SUCK at endings.