Chapter 2: Marauders: Masterminds or Morons?

"What? Why didn't you tell her that, you idiot?"

I was awakened by the sound of someone yelling. 5 House Points that it's Lily.

"Well, it was 4 o' clock in the morning, Lily!" Ha. I knew it.

"Oh, please. You four are probably up every night messing around with your Animagi or pulling some prank. Don't try that one on me."

Wow. That was the most Professor-like I'd ever heard Lily speak. "Should we wake her up?" asked Lupin.

Wake who up?

Oh. Me, obviously, since Lily was awake, and I was the only other girl here. "Too late," I said ruefully, picking myself up off the forest floor. I brushed off my back and stared at the scene in front of me.

Clearly, the five people in front of me had picked sides. Sirius, James, and Peter were standing on one side of the clearing, while Lily and Remus took the other side. I was way too tired to deal with the five seventh years who looked ready to rip each other apart. Well, three seventh years. Remus didn't look ready to deal with anyone, and Peter looked about as into this fight as the tree rooted next to him did.

"So, what's everyone going to kill each other over now?" I asked tiredly. Rubbing my eyes, I checked my watch and realized I'd gotten a stunning three-and-a-half hours of sleep. Spectacular.

"This idiot," said Lily, gesturing at James, "forgot to mention last night that the Forbidden Forest shifts."

"Shifts? What the hell does that mean?"

"That means," Remus said, casting me an apologetic look, "that we could be anywhere in the Forbidden Forest right now. And we know that the Forbidden Forest spreads out for hundreds of miles in every direction."

"And what does that mean?"

"We're stuck here together until the Forest shifts back to where it was when we came in."

I think I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. Stuck here? Together? As in, with the four Marauders? Oh no.

Hm. Why wasn't I fainting? A girl is supposed to faint at a time like this. And then the boys were to carry said girl to a sleeping bag and wait for her to wake up. Then the issue was to continue, except for the boys were supposed to go easy on said girl because she just fainted. I think. But I apparently wasn't fainting either way, so it was really a moot point. Hopefully, this meant that I was dreaming, and I would wake up back in the Gryffindor tower, after experiencing an awful nightmare about Remus Lupin being a werewolf and his three friends being unregistered Animagi—

"Um, Ally? Everything okay?" Sirius snapped his fingers in front of my face. I ignored him and continued waiting for the point in time where I would wake up.

Ow! "Sirius! What the hell?" After getting no reaction whenst snapping his fingers, Sirius decided it would be wise to slap me across the face.

"Well, you looked like you were about to fall over! Also, you're our designated leader."

"I was trying to fall over! When faced with the prospect of having to deal with the four most out-of-control boys in the entire school, a girl is supposed to faint! And since Lily fainted last time—" I broke off as I was met with empty stares from the Marauders. Lily, on the other hand, nodded her head and looked pleased with my attempt at protocol. I didn't attempt to faint very often; actually, this was my first time ever doing it. But these were extreme circumstances, and trying to faint was an extreme countermeasure… Wait a second. Did he just say designated leader?

"E-excuse me? Designated leader? What are you talking about?"

The seventh years looked surprised, as if they'd thought I'd be overjoyed to have the responsibility for five most irresponsible (well, four; Lily wasn't all that irresponsible) seventh years on my hands. I was a year younger than them. What did they think they were doing?

"What do you think you're doing?" I voiced my thoughts. "Why are you putting me in charge? I'm the youngest."

Well, yeah." Sirius looked like this was the most normal conversation to have. Normal? As if being trapped in the Forbidden Forest for who knows how long, then asking the youngest student to be the designated leader. We passed insanity a long way back, even with the whole magic factor.

"'Well, yeah?' That's it? Lily, you're Head Girl, you should be the leader!"

"I would, but…" Lily didn't look ready to argue with me. "Look, I think they're more likely to listen to you than me."

"What?" This made no sense.

"They like you more. Besides, you're better at magic then I am."

She really wanted me to be leader. I'd never heard of Lily Evans admitting someone else was better at magic. Especially not someone younger than her. Maybe I was dreaming.

"Fine." Wait, what? I didn't—Dammit. One half of my brain was obviously not a good listener.

"Really?" Lily looked shocked.

"Yes, really," I said, a smile spreading across my face. "But, as designated leader, you have to do what I say. Within reason, of course."

"Sure. What's the first task?" asked Remus.

I couldn't believe no one was stepping up to the plate. The two biggest bookworms in the entire school, and they were making me the leader. Obviously, the Forbidden Forest caused brain malfunctioning. "First task," I said reluctantly, "is a two-part plan. Part A: Find food."

"I like that part of the plan," said Sirius.

"Part B: Lay of the Land," I continued. "We need to figure out if there's anything dangerous nearby."

"It's the Forbidden Forest, Ally," said James. "Everything's dangerous."

I glared at him. "I mean, are there any dangerous nests or groups nearby. I want to know if there are any dangerous beasts living near here. If there are, we move."

"That makes sense," said Remus.

"Okay, we need to know this. Are any of you licensed to apparate?"

Remus and Sirius raised their hands. "That's it?"

"I'm too young for my test," said Lily.

"I was sick," James explained.

"I failed," Peter said.

"So," Sirius said, clapping his hands together. "How're we doing this, designated leader?"

I rolled my eyes. "There are going to be three groups of two," I said. This was where my evil plans for unknown love kicked in. "Two groups will look for food, and the other group will look around for monsters."

"Why do we need two groups for food?" asked Remus.

"Because Sirius will probably eat half of whatever we find."

"Hey!" cried Sirius.

"She's right, Padfoot," said James, sniggering. He turned to look at me, a hopeful expression on his face. "What're our groups?"

"Lily, Remus or I will be one person in a group. James, Sirius, or Peter will be the other."

"Hold on!"

"I am not letting you and James go off into the Forbidden Forest alone," I told Sirius firmly. "Or you and Peter, for that matter. Remus, you pick first. Then Lily. I'll take whoever's left. Remus?"

"I'll go with Peter," he said, edging away from James and Sirius. "I don't fancy getting myself blown up."

I grinned; this was probably true. "Lily?"

Lily was obviously making a very difficult decision. But I knew she'd pick James, because I knew she liked him. Even if she didn't know it yet. "Potter."

"Lily, we are stuck in the Forbidden Forest together, and I have no idea if we're going to make it out alive," I said. "We are using first names."

"Fine," she said, glaring at me. I smiled sweetly back. "James, you're coming with me."

James had a dazed and delighted smile on his face as he walked towards Lily. I smiled inwardly. I knew I shouldn't be pushing so hard for the two of them, and I definitely shouldn't be interfering, but…let me put it this way. I spend a lot of time in the Heads Common Room with Lily. And Lily talked in her sleep. She might not remember her dreams, but I certainly remembered her…ahem, moans of…ahem, pleasure.

"So! I suppose we're partners now?" asked a voice.

Wait, no! I scanned my mind over the last few minutes and…Dammit. This brilliant plan of mine might have backfired just a little bit. I opened my eyes to look into the face of a very cocky, very smug…Sirius Black. Argh, no!

"Great," I muttered. "I get stuck with the drunk."

Remus and James actually laughed. My impending doom is not a laughing matter, morons!

"I am not a drunk!" cried Sirius. I raised an eyebrow skeptically. "I'm not!"

"You're fighting a losing battle there, Padfoot," said James.

I returned into leader-mode. "Lily, James, I want you two to look for food in that direction," I said, pointing towards a river. "Use Accio to catch fish if you have to."

"I am not using magic to catch fish."

"Might I remind you that you chose me to 'lead'? I did not force myself into this, Prongs. Now go."

They turned and scampered off.

"Remus, Peter, go in that direction," I said, gesturing in the opposite direction. "And Peter, help, don't hurt."

"Sirius…" I looked at him. "We're searching for monsters. Let's get a move on."

"Oh boy!" he said sarcastically as we started walking in the same direction James and Lily had. "My goal is to keep my tongue on."

"I'm surprised you've kept it this long, sticking it down so many girl's throats."

Sirius suddenly looked uncomfortable. "Er, well, I guess," he stuttered.

We looked at nothing for a while. I wondered if talking about other girls was awkward for him. But it couldn't be, right? He was the Hogwarts playboy, by name. He'd had so many girlfriends—no, not even girlfriends, just snogging partners. How could this possibly be awkward?

Oh no. Oh no, no, no. He was hitting on me! He was hitting on me so I'd like him and stop making fun of him and his excessive eating habits! And maybe even get out of searching for monsters. (Which, of course, we weren't going to be doing much of, as we were spying on Lily and James instead.) He couldn't effing hit on me!

Okay, here's the plan. If he makes any flirtatious moves, slap him. I'm not giving up making fun of him. I need fuel for my never-ending jokes!

Dear Merlin, I'm pathetic.

"Ally? Are you human?"

"Smooth," I said. "'Are you okay?' or 'Do you feel all right?' would've worked fine too, you know."

He grinned at me. "So, are we actually looking for monsters or are we spying on James and Lily?"

"Spot on, Black. But I can't see why we can't do both."

"'Course you can't, designated leader."

"I can see anything I want to, designated playboy."

He gave me an appreciative look. "I might actually start liking you, Godrey."

"You know, James said the same thing last night. Are you sure you're not twins separated at birth?"

"I've been asking myself that question for six years."

We continued with our meaningless banter for a while before I grabbed his shirt and pulled him behind a bush. "Are we at that stage already?" asked Sirius, winking at me.

"Hilarious," I said dryly. "Lily and James are right there."

"Oh."

We peeked from opposite sides of the bush and saw Lily and James talking and laughing. What?

"Are they…getting along?" asked Sirius, pulling me from my perfect view of the scene. "That's not possible! What…When did this happen?"

"I don't know," I hissed frantically. "She didn't like him that much last night! Did you spike their food or something?"

"Is that something I'd really—No, I didn't," Sirius told me.

"Then why are they—Oh dear God, are they snogging?"

We stared. There, plain as day, James Potter and Lily Evans were snogging. It was extraordinarily cute, but something seemed off. Just something about the picture was…That was it. James wasn't wearing glasses. Sounds stupid, I know, but it was just off. "Sirius?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure that's Lily and James?"

"I'm...pretty sure," he answered doubtfully.

Then it hit me. "No, it's not," I said.

"What? Of course it is!"

"No, Sirius. Look. That's not the shirt Lily was wearing today. James isn't wearing glasses. Sirius, go over there and call out to James."

"What? No! He'll kill me for ruining the best snog of his life!"

"No, he won't, because that's not James!" I strode out of cover and called quite clearly, "James! Lily! Oi! You're supposed to be gathering food, not gathering lipstick!"

Neither of them moved.

I turned back to Sirius. "See? That's not James and Lily."

"Then…who is it?"

"I don't know, but I think the more accurate question is what is it?"

"Probably some kind of monster," said Sirius. "Why don't we call them 'Killer Couples?'"

"I like it. Now, how do we find the real James and Lily?"

"I don't know. Any ideas, genius?"

"Try going Animagus form," I said obviously.

He opened his mouth…and then closed it again. "I can't believe I didn't think of that."

"That's why I'm in the group and not James."

He morphed and started smelling and perking his ears. He was actually kinda cute as a dog. I pet him and said, "I like you better as a dog."

He morphed (I honestly have no other word for it) back into a human and glared at me. "I can still understand you as a dog."

"That was kind of the point, Sirius," I said.

"They're that way," he finally told me, pointing to the right. "Just follow the sounds of arguing."

"I knew it," I exclaimed happily as I bounced after Sirius. Not literally, of course. "All is right with the world again."