Chapter 6

Weeks had passed since her return. Shaye had moved into the estate with her mother, and while she didn't exactly hate it there, it did not feel like home. It was her mother's dream. Home felt like Cullen.

They met at the loft, as they called it, as often as they could. Since the night of her return, Cullen continued to sleep uninterrupted by frightening nightmares. And one morning, as he awoke refreshed and eager to get on with his day, for he had the night off and looked forward to seeing Shaye, he noticed that Irving's candles had melted clean away. Cullen shook his head in disbelief.

Damn Irving. Reminding me that magic is not all bad. Cullen thought to himself. Maker watch over you Irving.

As much as he was looking forward to seeing Shaye, Cullen knew it was time to tell her what had happened to him in Ferelden. He was past the falling in love stage with Shaye. He was in love with her. Completely, totally, and without a doubt. He would tell her, because she deserved to know. He was risking everything, because he did not know if she could love a man who had been touched by evil – an evil conceived and carried out by Mages.

As for Shaye all she knew was that she wanted Cullen so badly, that some days it hurt. He was her rock. He was everything that she was not and he was the only one who made her believe that she could do anything she set her mind to do. He made her feel loved and cherished and valued.

When Cullen arrived, the fire was blazing in the hearth. Shaye had warmed up the roasted lamb and potatoes she had brought from home and poured some wine. They sat down, crossed legged in front of the lovely rectangular serving table Cullen had built.

"So, you are feeling more resolved now about Bethany?" Cullen asked between mouthfuls.

"Hmm, yes, a little." Shaye said.

"Well, this might interest you." He said, pulling out a neatly folded sheet of paper. It is a letter from a Warden I know." He passed the letter to Shaye.

My friend

I hope this letter finds you well. Every time we visit the Circle, Greagoir gives us news of you. We understand that continue to do a fine job in Kirkwall. Tess and I recently returned from a brief trip to Vigil's Keep, and we met a woman – Bethany Hawke - who claims she knew you. Of course, as a Mage, she is not overly fond of Templars, but I think Tess and I convinced her that Templars aren't always so bad. I think she was a bit embarrassed to find out, that I too am a Templar of sorts! At any rate, apparently she has a sister and a mother living in Kirkwall that you know, so, please let them know she is well and finding her footing as a Warden.

Tess and I had hoped to visit Kirkwall, but she is with child (which is truly a miracle) and we do not wish to travel. However when we do come, we would like to spend some time with you if at all possible. Tess sends her regards, and as always, remembers you in her prayers. Be well my friend.

Alistair

The weight of the world lifted off her shoulders. Bethany was going to be just fine. And then, as her brain started to absorb the rest of the letter, she shrieked "Cullen! You know King Alistair. You know his Queen, the hero of Ferelden? Why have you never told me?" She said, shaking her head in disbelief and grinning.

"It never came up?" He shrugged. "It is not that I know them well." A flash of intense pain on his face signalled that Shaye had unwittingly opened a wound.

"Shaye. There are some things about myself that I haven't told you. Shaye I love you. I cannot imagine my life without you. After you hear my story, if you want to walk out that door and never see me again, truly I will understand."

"Cullen…" Shaye started.

"Please Shaye." Cullen took a deep breath.

"There was a senior Mage at the Circle in Ferelden. His name was Uldred. He was powerful and very arrogant. He was at Ostagar the day Loghain quit the field and left King Cailen to die. Who knows, your brother Carver or Aveline may have even crossed paths with him. I found out later, that Uldred was in league with Loghain and that whatever Loghain promised him, was the motivation behind staging a rebellion at the circle."

"Yes, I heard of the uprising." Shaye said. "Go on Cullen. I, I want to know."

"Uldred crossed the line, knowingly, willingly, and convinced as many Mages as he could to engage in blood magic and to give themselves over to the power of abominations. He himself, transformed into a Pride Demon, the most powerful of all demons. His minions began to slaughter every Templar they could find. Any Mage who refused, was slaughtered as well." Cullen paused, and swallowing hard, continued.

"Uldred captured me and encased me in a prison – much like that in which you found Keran. I was enslaved there, for days, for weeks. I don't know." Cullen took a deep breath and willed himself to carry on.

"I was tortured - cut and burned, caned and threatened. I was denied sleep, food, and water. I was made to watch as desire demons raped my comrades and then slaughtered them in unspeakable ways." Cullen's eyes glazed over, and Shaye could see unspeakable pain. "But I did not break. I would not give in. I wanted to. Maker knows I wanted to end the agony, but a voice inside kept telling me I had to resist, that I had to survive to tell the story and give meaning to the senseless and cruel deaths of my comrades." Cullen was shaking now in the re-telling, in the re-living. Shaye moved towards him and took his hand. She lead him to the bed and gently guided him to sit.

"I think it was the mind tricks that they played that were the hardest to bear. Shaye, I cannot even tell you the things they showed me. Things I knew weren't real. Things I knew I had never done and would never do. But they were so real. And for years after, the nightmares. Replaying scenes of me doing terrible things to people I loved - even you" Cullen jaws ached from holding back the tears.

Shaye took his hand.

"Alistair and Tess found me. They killed Uldred and freed me from his prison. Wynne one of their companions and a senior Mage, and Irving, the First Enchanter, tended my wounds. I owe my life to them all. But they could not erase the memories. My hatred for Mages was undeniable. It was like a hot coal in my belly until one day it exploded. It was months later. I thought my hatred, my feelings of rage had dissipated. I found a young apprentice dabbling in blood magic. I hit him. And then even though he was down and disarmed I hit him again and again. I wanted to kill him. My sword, inches from his throat. Thank the Maker, something stopped me. I walked away."

Silence. Cullen's head was down. He could not bear to meet Shaye's eyes.

"There were rumours. Rumours that I had gone mad and killed a group of Mages. It was untrue of course, but I did not have the strength or the will to face my accusers. So I left and came to Kirkwall."

Silence.

"I do not know why I was spared. Why I lived and everyone else died. Perhaps I am a coward for leaving Ferelden. But after what happened to me, Shaye you must know that I believe in the Circle, more than I did before. And I believe in the Order. I fear that one day it will tear us apart. One day choices may have to be made…"

Shaye did not know what to say. His pain was raw and deep. Shaye smiled, and took his face, gently raising it so their eyes could meet.

"I know who you are Cullen. What you have told me tonight only re-affirms it. Your strength and your courage awes and humbles me even more now. I have heard what you have done at The Gallows. I know what your men think of you. Fair. Just. Firm. Loyal. I have listened to you struggle to do the right thing with Mages and Templars both. I know there is no hatred in you, only conviction. And I understand that conviction now better than I did before. I love you Cullen. I will not live my life without you, because of what might come to pass next week, next year, or, Maker willing, what might never come to pass."

She kissed him, and at last he smiled.

"I used to be scared that a demon lay dormant in my heart. And then I met you and my heart has been filled with love and hope. And the night before you left, and we first kissed… even the nightmares began to lose their power. And when you came back and you fell asleep in my arms – Shaye there were no nightmares. Nor have there been since. No matter what you think of me, know that I will always be grateful to you. For you have chased away the last demon and have freed me from their chains. There is no hatred left inside me Shaye."

"I think Cullen." Shaye said as she began to unbutton his shirt. "That you are the most wonderful, kind, smart, courageous, talented man in the world and I love you." Shaye whispered.

She began caressing his chest, kissing his neck, his shoulders. She gently pulled off his boots. She began to unlace his breeches, feeling his manhood begin to push against her hand. Cullen clasped her wrist to stop her. He searched her eyes, questioningly.

"I want you Shaye, more than you could know. Are you sure? Do you want this, do you want me?" Cullen asked between her ardent kisses.

"I want you Cullen. I want to make love to you. I have never been more certain of anything in my life."

~XXX~