Title: Bad Calculations
Characters: Lady, Tess (OC).
Word Count: 2.646
Summary: Tess and Lady find points of connection between them on the job; two human women wading in a sea of demons can be friends and complain together...about slime.
Warnings: Warning for a few squeamish moments.
Disclaimer: Devil May Cry and all related characters belong to Capcom. Tess Templar belongs to me.
The silence in that office was awkward for both the women left waiting in it. Tess bit her lip a little, not sure what to do. Just seconds ago, Dante left both Lady and her suddenly to 'take care' of a job that turned up, right nearby. Tess had been there to give him his share of the job they did jointly two days ago and Lady had stepped in, interrupting their conversation. Tess had barely introduced herself when Dante's phone rang, he answered and the next thing both women knew, he was out the door, telling them to get 'get to know each other' with a chuckle. Lady hadn't even had the time to ask him what job it was before he was out of the door.
Tess recalled Trish mentioning Lady to her in an off-the-cuff way, along with a mention that Dante owed her money. She'd heard something of the way Trish and Lady met and figured Dante wanted to avoid a repeat of that fiasco. But judging by her expression, both women were surprised at each other. Tess absently wondered if Dante had gotten a weird habit of 'collecting' women in the ten years she'd been gone. Or maybe he had more charm than she gave him credit for. For a moment Tess had been confused by her appearance and thought she was a 'hired girl' which would've made her feel really awkward, but then Dante mercifully mentioned she was a 'sort of' partner.
And now Dante had left them in the wind –so to speak—and expected them to deal with each other. Tess cringed; she was never good at small-talk and wasn't really interested in this woman. If she was in the demon-hunting business, Tess was pretty certain that she looked like looked like a lightweight rookie compared to her. Lady had pretty much barged into Dante's office, talking about money he owed her –not surprising in itself— carrying a rocket launcher over her shoulder and several guns in holsters on her person; added to that, her provocative clothing and manners, had had taken Tess by complete surprise.
She was standing idly by the desk, where she'd been while talking to Dante, looking back at Lady, who now stood by the couch. Neither found anything to say other than stare at each other awkwardly. Tess was sure Dante was being sarcastic when he said they should get to know each other. He said he'd be back soon, but she knew what his idea of 'soon' was vague at best.
Trying desperately to find some way to end this awkward silence, she leaned her pelvis against the desk and pressed her hands on its surface, resting against it. She sighed quietly, exasperated, trying to figure out what to do.
"You're right, he's a complete tosser," Lady scoffed at the sigh, propping her rocket launcher down against the sofa. "Always finding excuses to get away from me when I come asking for the money he owes me," she went on. She shifted her weight onto one leg with a hand on her waist, looking at Tess, as if trying to decipher what she was dealing with.
Tess chuckled despite herself. "I think he's capable of finding excuses to avoid anything. I've given up trying to talk to him, I just guilt-trip or threaten him when I need his help," she added, shaking her head. "I heard from Trish that you're a demon hunter too. Been doing it for long?" she spontaneously asked. She was relieved they weren't quiet anymore!
"Yeah," Lady sighed, facing the red-head as she propped herself against the arm of the sofa with her buttocks, crossing her arms. "Not sure how long that goofball has been doing it but I was already a demon hunter before I met him. And what do you do? You don't look like the typical merc," she said, tilting her head a bit and eying the redhead up a bit better, eyes concealed behind her orange-tinted sunglasses.
"He was already neck-deep into it when I met him-we were teenagers," Tess admitted with a smirk, still staring at her, musing Lady's absurdly open coat. "In fact I think I should blame him for dragging me in the fad," she joked.
She stretched her arms over her head, linking her fingers and flexing. "I'm a 'jack of all trades' I suppose; a witch," she said, watching Lady carefully for her reaction. Not everyone was comfortable with wiccans…or believed they existed. "Sure, I work differently than Dante and Trish but…hey, whatever works, right? Although I'm stuck dealing with ghosts, fay and-Actually, I deal with anything that fits under the 'supernatural' list."
"Really?" Lady asked, raising an eyebrow, sounding reluctant to believe her. "So you practice…magic? What kind?"
Tess sensed the caution in her tone. "The boring kind, I guess," the witch admitted with a chuckle. "I'm not great with fancy-pancy stuff like conjuring or transforming stuff. I'm better at curses and setting things on fire." She chuckled. "Ask Dante, at some point he used to call me 'Mindless Pyromaniac'."
"Well, I stop you from scorching his ass every now and then," Lady scoffed. Just as she was about to say something else the phone rang. Tess looked at it, then back at Lady before it rang again. Lady pulled herself off the sofa arm and reluctantly picked it up with a sigh.
"Devil May Cry," she awkwardly said. Lady raised an eyebrow and even Tess could hear the person on the other line talking loudly. They stuttered and weren't very comprehensible.
"O-okay, calm down, just tell me the address," she blurted eventually and nodded before putting the receiver back down, sighing."Well, looks like I have to take care of this for the idiot," she said. She picked up her rocket launcher and headed for the door.
"Wait, I'll come along," Tess said as Lady headed for the door. "Better than staying in Dante's office." She following her and eying the rocket launcher. "You know, I kept wondering...you really do use this thing, right? How on earth do you carry it around, it looks so bloody heavy!"
"It is," Lady replied with a grin. She held it by the strap and heaved it around her shoulder, almost effortlessly. "I go to the gym a lot." She smirked at the red-head, chuckling probably because Tess looked so frail compared to her.
Lady was neither thick, nor blatantly muscular, but she did have broad shoulders and whenever she flexed any of her limbs, they were accentuated enough to tell she was fit and worked out often. Tess was painfully aware that she almost looked like a shrimp compared to her and mentally sighed in wonder at how even other women were taller than her. Well, at least she had rounder thighs…
Lady opened the door and walked out to a brand new looking motorcycle parked ahead of Dante's. It was larger than his and it looked like it had about as much pulling power as an SUV. She gracefully got on it, looking over at Tess.
"Hey don't mope," she said. "In this kinda business you need the muscle. Well don't just stand there, hop on. Unless you got a broom—"
Tess groaned. "Please don't do broomstick jokes. I've heard all of them. Twice."
Lady paused and blinked at her. "Does it really get that bad?"
"You have no idea," Tess huffed.
"Ah well, hop on!" Lady said and patted the back of the bike. "It's better than running!"
Tess bore Lady's jibes stoically; after all, that was how other mercenaries always seemed to deal with her, mistaking her small stature for weakness. Yes, she lacked overwhelming physical strength, but it wouldn't do her any good, anyway.
"I wish I had more time to work out," Tess sighed, getting on the bike behind lady. "I got a job besides this mercenary stuff...and when I'm not working, I'm exorcising ancient piles of ectoplasm that missed the memo about being dead. I usually end up needing flexibility rather than strength," she said awkwardly.
As she got on the bike, Lady glanced down at her shifting her skirt a little so that it wouldn't get caught anywhere. Tess wanted to grin; her legs showed from the slits of her skirt, slender yet toned, with firm muscular structure on the calves and shins. Absently she wondered if lady found her skirt was just not cut for combat. Then again, she had an absurdly open shirt on that was a bit slutty...for Tess' standards anyway, but she wouldn't say that out loud. 'Each to his own' was her philosophy.
"But, uh, if your workout got you those boobs, I'm interested," she joked. "Heck, if I had anything near yours I'd be showing them off too," she added under her breath.
"Hahaha!" Lady blurted at the remark, suddenly hitting the ignition pedal with her heel as she pulled up a bit to hit it hard enough, causing the engine to roar loudly. "Hold on, but don't get too handsy!" she said over the revving of the engine.
Tess did as told, wrapping her arms around Lady's waist, looking a bit worried as the bike drove off. "I'm never going to get used to motorcycles around here," she muttered a bit woefully.
"Been on Dante's bike, huh?" Lady chuckled.
"An experience I hope to never, ever relive! I'll take demonic spiders with rabies over another ride on Dante's motorcycle, thank you very much," Tess groaned, making Lady laugh again.
After a drive that was somewhat longer than Tess would've liked, they reached the location indicated from the caller and seeing the beast ahead, Lady suddenly hit the brakes, turning the bike, It skid along a bit and stopped in place with its side facing the monster ten meters away from them, between two buildings. Both women stared up at it with slightly gaping mouths.
"What the hell is that?" Lady said. She put one foot on the ground and raised her sunglasses a little in awe.
It was a giant, worm-like creature, with a huge, smooth-looking body in the color of dirty rust with lighter piebald patches. It was fleshy and fat, with a thinner tail and when it reared up its head a little, it revealed a circular, twitching mouth with rows upon rows of triangular teeth in varying lengths, all of them razor sharp. There was no sign of eyes of any kind and it let weird noises, like growling or constant, low belching. It seemed to exhale a sickening-looking haze. A couple of dead dogs and what may have been humans littered the street, as if the asphyxiating haze from the worm had killed them.
"Ugh, gross," Tess said with a nervous chuckle. "I'm not sure, but I think that's a Hell Slug. I've never actually seen one up close like this before, but I know about them. They're not bright but they are a handful. It must've burrowed its way here somehow. It doesn't look like it's puked out any spawn; those things can get everywhere," she added, getting off the bike. "Maybe you will need some help with this; bugs don't like fire, no matter the size."
"Huh, alright!" Lady grinned as she got off the bike as well, pulling out the rocket launcher. "Hey, I got an idea, why don't you imbue it with fire? Can you do that? Maybe we can kill this thing in one shot!" she said, tapping her rocket launcher.
"Of course I can, I just don't know if that's a good idea," Tess said. She looked a little skeptical. "I think my familiar mentioned something about these things that I had to remember before charging in..." she muttered, screwing her eyes up.
The Hell Slug seemed to have realized they were there because it started to slowly turn towards them, its size restricting its movements to a crawl.
"Crap—it's heading towards us," Lady hissed. "Come on, hurry up! Or you wanna be eaten?"
"Gah, okay!" Tess blurted, putting her hands on the rocket launcher and muttering a quick incantation.
The shaft of the rocket launcher sparked and started glowing hotly with a vibrant red aura. "There, it's done. Use it soon or it'll backfire."
"Sweet—now stand back!"
Lady flexed her legs, gripping on the rocket launcher and aiming carefully. Tess backed off a little, but she still looked uncertain about Lady's confidence. Just about as Lady was pressing the trigger, Tess let a startled gasp.
"W-wait, I remembered! That thing—it'll—!" she blurted, trying to stop Lady, but it was too late.
Lady fired the rocket, nearly losing her balance with the recoil of the blast which was much stronger and louder than she had ever experienced. The Hell Slug still crawled, rushing at the two women as the rocket went straight into its mouth. It almost immediately stopped, trying to cough it out and a few seconds after it bulged for a moment before exploding violently with a screech, coating the road, buildings and everything in a small radius with slime and entrails—Tess and Lady included.
The explosion had been so sudden they didn't even move, Lady wincing only at the slime splattering all over her. She stood there, covered with the disgusting fluids dripping from all over her.
"Well, that was stupid," Lady blurted. She lowered her rocket launcher, coughing and spitting a bit of slime that had gotten into her mouth.
With her warning gone unheard, Tess had immediately covered her face with her arms as the Hell Slug exploded. She now coughed as well, spitting and hissing. "Ack...I tried to warn you..." she groaned, looking down at herself in disgust. "These things...they tend to explode. Uuuugh...slime. I hate slime!"
"Yeah, well," Lady sighed, coughing. She whipped her hands to the side trying to get slime off them before taking her sunglasses off. "At least we got the damn thing."
"Still...this is so gross," Tess groaned, whipping her hands too and then scooping chunks of it off her face and chest. "Man, I've been slimed before but never this badly...this is just...uuugh!" she scoffed.
Lady stared at Tess all mad at the slime rather than the idea of nearly being eaten by a gigantic demon slug, while she wasn't as annoyed and drew a smirk. She hadn't been this amused at a demon hunt in years and it showed, chuckling as she was while trying to wipe some of the bigger pieces of gunk off her.
Tess smirked at her. "Don't laugh too soon sweetie, you wait till this slime gives you a big fat rash," she said, shaking slime and goop off her skirt and shirt. "I wish we'd dragged Dante to this one instead, I'd love to see what he'd spout if he got covered in gunk."
"Hah—probably something along the lines of 'now we got an excuse to take a bath together'," Lady laughed, putting the rocket launcher on the ground and started scraping all the goop off her arms and torso with her hands, tossing it at the ground.
Tess chuckled. "You're right, that's probably what he would say and of course, his idea would be less washing and more of something out of a bad porno," she joked.
While they tried to get most of the gunk off them, a resounding laugh irritated them to announce Dante's arrival at the scene. "Haha, what do we have here?" he chuckled, walking up to them casually, avoiding pools of slime on the street. "Having fun ladies? I don't think demon jelly suits either of you!"
Tess and Lady looked at each other with the same disdainful looks. There he goes again, they thought.
He kept smirking as he put his hands to his waist, looking at them and laughing. "Look at you two, you need a bath—perfect excuse to get to know each other like that-"
He was interrupted by a blob of slime hitting him in the face as Tess laughed. "Shut up, you," she said, having thrown a piece of slime she pulled off her shirt.
Lady smirked at her, lifting her rocket launcher. "Wanna kill him first, then take a bath? We won't have to worry about getting blood all over us."
Tess smirked back. "I like that idea," she said. She rubbed her hands a little before igniting some fire at her fingertips , while Dante wiped the slime off his face, chuckling a little nervously, but starting to back off slowly.
NOTES: I'm definitely not Lady's biggest fan. I was quite iffy with her characterization in DMC3 (the whole bitchy attitude and the expectation that we'd feel sorry for her or sympathize in the end...just didn't work for me) and I loathe her appearance in DMC4 but other than that, I can respect her as an intrinsic character of the series. She's the human measure against Dante and Trish' demonic abilities and I really like that. It's part of the reason I decided that for all her skills and witchcraft, Tess had to be infallibly human and mortal.
For that reason I particularly like the idea of the two of them developing some connection due to being human in the same business of demon hunting that Dante is.
This particular story takes advantage of a running gag I have for any time I write combat and fantasy settings. I never got to use it as much as I'd wanted in my DMC fanfics because it was...too comedic. I've joked around with it since the days of Frail Equilibrium but I played down a little: I never imagine that demons die 'cleanly'. I always expect there to be some really big mess left behind and I sometimes feel the games cheat us of many glorious opportunities to have a sheer bloody or slimy mess after killing demons. I also reject the notion that a hero should get out of a fight with his clothes as pristine as first. DMC1 and 3 sort of had the idea right in some places but I really think it'd be more along the themes of corruption and foulness that demons beget, to have them leave a horrible mess after they die.
Like explode in a shower of guts and slime that covers everything around them! :D