A/N: Don't ask me where this came from. Too much SNL and Justin Timberlake, and a little too much free time for my muse, since I've finished planning my two current WIP stories, and just need to type them (which is more difficult than it sounds). So, I give you this nugget of a parody of the Lonely Island song by the same name.
Slight AU; Gibbs and Jenny are Tony and Tim's parents. There is implied Jibbs, Tiva, and McAbby.
Go listen to the version with Akon. It has Jessica Alba and Blake Lively in the video.
Don't judge me.
Disclaimer: I do not own a single thing in this. At all.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs was looking forward to a quiet evening with his wife; both their sons were out of the house, and he knew where he wanted the evening to go.
He had just walked into the bedroom to find her when the phone rang.
"Yeah, Gibbs," he said, picking up the phone and holding it to his ear, watching as Jenny stepped out of the bathroom, a thin silk robe tied at her waist, showing a tantalizing amount of skin.
"Dad, you'll never guess what just happened to me."
On the phone was Tony, his oldest son, now the ripe age of twenty six.
And he was still living at home.
"What, Tony?" he asked, a little exasperated. Jenny came to stand behind him, running her hands over his back and pressing her face into his shoulder blade.
"I just had sex. It was fantastic."
It took Gibbs a minute to process what Tony had just said, and then he decided that he wanted to erase the last minute of his memory.
"That's…great, Tony," Gibbs said, his tone making Jenny look around his shoulder, frowning.
"She let me wear my chain, and my turtleneck sweater," Tony continued, and Gibbs placed his face in his free hand, shaking his head as he shuddered. "If I had to describe the feeling, I think I'd say it was the best."
"I'm really…proud of you, son," Gibbs said, floundering for words as he swallowed. Jenny was looking concerned, obviously wondering what was going on, but he couldn't explain, not yet.
"It literally, like, just happened," Tony explained, and there was a sound of feminine protest in the background. "Oh, Ziva doesn't like that I called you."
"Well, Tony…you are twenty six. Nothing like this has…happened before?" Gibbs asked, cringing at the fact that he had to ask.
"Dad, I just had sex and my dreams came true," Tony said, and Gibbs sighed heavily, realizing this was his oldest son's first time.
Apparently, it was not like father like son in this aspect.
"Well, good, Tony," Gibbs said, a little haltingly. "I gotta go, Tony, your mom's calling."
"Bye Dad, tell Mom I said hi. Ziva says hi!" Tony said, and then Gibbs threw the phone into the center of the bed, shuddering again.
"Jethro?" Jenny asked, amusement in her voice. He turned to look at her, her green eyes gleaming from the light coming out of the open bathroom door, and he scrubbed a hand down his face, shaking his head.
"Our son just called to inform me that he had sex. For the first time. With a girl named Ziva," he told her, watching the amusement- and color- drain from her face as his words processed.
"Dear Lord," she said, her hand coming up to her mouth. "Jethro he's twenty six years old."
"I'm aware, Jen, I was there when he was born," Gibbs said, his tone wry. "I'd thought it had happened long before this."
"He's twenty six. He called us?" Jenny asked, her brain short-circuiting to the point that she couldn't form coherent thoughts. "He's twenty six."
"Jen, take a deep breath," Jethro said, placing his hands on her shoulders and looking her in the eyes. She was inhaling when the phone rang again, and Gibbs held his breath as he answered. "Yeah, Gibbs."
"Hey, Dad, it's me," Tim, their other son, who was twenty two, said when Gibbs picked up. Gibbs relaxed, thinking that nothing bad could come from this conversation, as Tim was smart, and a little geeky, and there was no chance that- "I just had sex. I'm never going back."
Gibbs smacked his palm into his forehead. Why the hell was this happening to him, of all people? Did God hate him, or something?
He'd start going to church every single Sunday for the next year if only this would end.
"We just, like, had sex- like, completely undressed. I saw her chest and everything," Tim said, and Gibbs cringed at the excited eagerness of his younger son.
"It was… nice of her to let you, uh, do that thing, Tim," Gibbs said, awkwardness spilling out of his mouth. Jenny groaned quietly from her place next to him, shaking her head as she rested her forehead on her hand.
"Nice of any girl ever," Tim replied, which made Gibbs realize that, for the second time within ten minutes, he'd learned that his children had lost their virginity.
He needed his memory erased, immediately.
"Abby's really awesome. Like, she could be my wife," Tim said, and Gibbs heard a girl-ish, high-pitched noise from the other end of the phone.
"That…good, Tim?" Gibbs asked, but he felt like washing his mouth out with soap as the words left his mouth.
"Best thirty seconds of my life," Tim replied, and Gibbs' eyes widened in horror, causing Jenny to frown, concerned for her husband's heart. Gibbs cleared his throat, but he couldn't seem to find any words. Jenny pried the phone from his stiff hand, holding it to her own ear.
"Hello Tim. I think your father has just gone into cardiac arrest," Jenny said mildly, her green eyes locked into her husband's.
"Oh, hey Mom," Tim said, and one of Jenny's eyebrows rose at the excitement in her youngest son's voice. "Did you hear?"
"I think I'm able to assume, Tim," Jenny replied, and Tim cleared his throat a little awkwardly.
"To be honest I'm surprised she even wanted me to do it. Doesn't really make sense," Tim said, and Jenny could practically hear her son's shoulders shrugging.
"Oh Timmy, you were awesome!" came a slightly-obnoxious female voice from Tim's side of the phone, and Jenny took this as the lucky girl.
"I'll let you go, Tim," Jenny said, and Gibbs seemed to relax a little at her words, relief tingeing his features.
"Okay. Bye Mom. Hope Dad's alright," Tim said, and then they disconnected.
"Why today? Why are our children doing all these things today?" Gibbs asked, shaking his head and rubbing at his face with his hands. "I'm going to be scarred for the next decade."
"Anything I can do to take your mind off of it?" Jenny asked, her tone amused as she stood in front of him, still in her short, white silk robe, her legs looking long and lean, the phone still in her head, and her red curls loose and spilling around her shoulders, shimmering in the light flooding around behind her from the bathroom.
"Jen, how am I supposed to have sex with you after discovering that both my of my full-grown sons lost their virginity less than an hour ago?" Gibbs asked, looking up at her from where he'd taken a seat on the edge of their bed, his elbows digging into his knees.
"I'm trying to decide if there was an insult in that question," Jenny remarked after a moment, her arms folded over her chest, nestled underneath her breasts.
"Jen," Gibbs whined, and she sighed, closing her eyes and turning her head skyward, clearly asking for strength.
"Jethro. It was going to happen- granted, we thought sooner than this, but we can't change anything," she informed him, standing between his legs, his hands coming up to rest on her ass. "Get over it. You are being a baby."
"But, Jen-"
"No buts. Do you really want to get shown up by your children on the field of sexual activity?" Jenny asked, raising one eyebrow at him. His eyes darkened, and she knew she had him.
His hands reached for the tie, and just as he started to undo it, she spoke again.
"Are you going to call Jack after we finish?"
Mood killer.