Chapter 8: CONFLICT

He's climbed the trellis, hands bloody and battered, and feels that he must have done it a thousand times before; everything is familiar, but he can't quite remember what to do until he's done it. He's over the balcony waiting for her (Juliet). She's nowhere to be seen, and he looks at the ground where there is a bloody "A" surrounded by a demonic circle. It's dried and dark, a stain on the floor that's almost as permanent as the one on his heart. He finishes the "A" with the blood on his hands, turning it into a pentagram. This is who he really is inside and he thinks that this is what it means to be an Anarchist, at least nowadays.

"You're a son," says her voice behind him. And he knows it's her. That familiar voice sends shivers down his spine, raising the hairs on his neck. He turns around, looking back at the entrance of the balcony, and he notices that he's on the inside and she's waiting outside. It's funny how things tend to reverse themselves in a dream, he thinks. All the while he'd been thinking that she was locked away on the inside and that he was going to rescue her. Turns out that I'm the one who is trapped.

He can see her ghostly silhouette behind the sheer curtains. He can make out her shape, the flow of her hair, but he still can't see her face and it worries him.

"It is the east, and Tara is the sun," he says, and his voice is thick with worry. He starts to panic when she backs away as he tries to approach her.

"No, Jax, you're the SON," she says, and he can hear the tears in her voice. She starts to sob, and Jax resolves that he must go to her. He tears the sheers down and runs to her, but stops at the sight before him.

It's Tara and she's perfect, but she's crying blood. Big, red droplets pour down her cheeks, forming angry rivers. That's when Jax notices that her eyes have been pecked out and he knows it was a crow that did it he starts to sob when he realizes that her gray green orbs are no more. He's hurt her and it's killing him.

"Kill the envious moon, Who is already sick and pale with grief," she says, her voice is monotone, but she smiles her secret smile at him, and holds out her hand. He takes the black feather she's given him, stares at it with great concentration, consigned that this is what he's chosen, and he realizes that he's made a mistake. By the time he wakes from his daze, he realizes that Tara has backed up too close to the edge. He reaches out, but she is falling, falling…and Jax can't reach her. All that's left is a cloud of feathers, black and haunting.

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Jax is awake and practically sobbing, but he wouldn't cry, because that pussy shit needs to be over and he needs to take care of business. It was weird, that he was still thinking of them as Romeo and Juliet when he hadn't picked up Shakespeare since high school. Perhaps subconsciously he still pictured them as tragic lovers, when in real life it was far less dramatic but exponentially more painful. He was obviously not a part of Tara's life anymore, and he's not completely confident he can get her back…yet. Sure the sex was good, they had always fucked like bunnies, but there was something dark and desperate in last night's lovemaking. He almost wanted to hurt her, and it felt good that he had seen her cry. He felt like she deserved it, and if she was really feeling remorseful, then Jax could find it in himself to forgive her…and then they could be together. He thought about the mysterious "J.K" and wondered if he was Tara's boyfriend. The thought had infuriated him, even though he'd probably taken no less than a hundred lovers since they'd broken up. Oh well, he would take care of that situation after he squared some things up with his home life. He got up from his dingy and slightly ripe smelling room at the club. He had shucked on his cut and took the short ride over to Wendy's house.

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Wendy has always had trouble staying clean, and her fragile mental state had been shattered as she realized that "Tara" was back in town. Jax never said anything much about her, had absolutely refused to talk about her when Wendy had begged...begged. She was jealous of a ghost. Whispers at the clubhouse and throughout town had made their way, and what she had heard confirmed her fears of being in second place. Too fuckin' bad she didn't get a look at the girl at the supermarket. It would be nice to put a face to "Tara." Wendy had harbored hatred towards the girl when, after a very intense fuck with Jax, he called out a name, and it wasn't "Wendy." It had hurt and she was pissed, but she played it off because Jax was too drunk to realize that he'd said it, and Wendy was just happy to be wrapped underneath him.

It was nice being numb. She didn't have to think. Not about her broken marriage, the illegal shit in the club, Jax getting hurt…and the baby. She didn't want to think about the spark of life growing inside of her, another reminder of how fucked up and inadequate she was. She never fought or believed in anything her entire life. She was a realist, and she couldn't even start to think she would be strong enough. The knock on the door startles her, breaking her from her train of thought. She peeps out the window and sees the object of her affection, the bane of her life…Jax. For once, luck is on her side and she's coming down from her high, making it easier for her to pretend that she's okay. She doesn't want Jax to see her for what she really is, her self-esteem couldn't survive it.

She straightens her hair and tries to hide her shaking hands. There are bags under her eyes and her lips are chapped, but she can pass that off as fatigue from her pregnancy.

"Hey Jax," she says, as she timidly opens the door.

"Hey Wend, sorry to just bust in on you like this-"

"No no no, it's no trouble at all," she says, "come right in, it's your place after all."

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Jax decides to go to Wendy's because, before the drugs and affairs came to light, she was someone he could talk to, maybe not the love of his life, but someone he loved…a friend. He felt that he should do right by her. She looks like shit when she answers the door and he feels somewhat sorry that the pregnancy is doing this to her. They exchange niceties and Jax walks in, taking in the cluttered surroundings. He's not surprised that it's already a shithole and makes a mental note to send his mom in to tidy up a bit.

"I just wanted to talk…" he says awkwardly. The air is thick with the awkwardness as they sit across each other from the couch. It's almost business like, and they're both sad that the relationship has come to this, but neither one is surprised.

"Did something happen with Tara?" Wendy asks spitefully, and she starts fidgeting with the wedding ring that isn't supposed to be on her finger. Jax notices it, but doesn't say anything.

"Look. I don't want to talk about Tara, I came here for you," he says. "I know I haven't been treating you the best, but whether we like it or not, we're in this situation. I just want you to know that I'm here for you."

"This baby…" Wendy breathes deeply as she fights back tears, "this baby isn't gonna save us, is it Jax?" She hates how pathetic she sounds.

"I don't think there was ever an 'US' the way it was supposed to be. We have too much shit in our pasts, and I don't want that for the kid. I want things to be different…better."

"Why are you saying all this?" says Wendy, "I feel like you're changing." The fact is she's never really known Jax in the way that she wanted to. Every now and then he would come to an epiphany and she would catch a glimpse of the complicated man hidden behind his biker gang façade.

"I do want to change. I guess I just realized that I want more from life. The club is good, it's all I've got, or it used to be. Now I have something more to live for, and I want it to be perfect. Is that too much to ask for?" he almost begs, and Wendy can see the weariness in his eyes. Something must have happened, she guesses. And she knows it has to do with fucking Tara Knowles.

"No baby, it's not. I know that I'm fucked up, and I'm sorry. I'm so scared of what kind of mother I'm gonna be. I'm gonna try to be better too…for the baby." And with that, she resolves herself to stop using. Just like that. She knows it's not good for the baby. She'd been able to keep clean for a few months back when she was still with Jax, so she figured she'd be able to do it again. Especially with the way Jax was looking at her right now. He seemed a little bit more relieved when she had told him, and he was starting to smile that perfect smile of his. She could try to be strong for him.

He stayed a little while longer, idly chatting about this thing and that. He knew that to get right with Tara, he'd have to fix all the crazy shit in his life first. Maybe she needed space right now, but Jax wasn't going to let her run away again. Perhaps it was good they hadn't really talked yet because it would buy him time to straighten things out. He finally wraps things up and gets ready to leave. Wendy leans in for a hug, and he obliges. She wasn't a bad person, and maybe once, he'd loved her a little. He breaks things off when her hands start to roam in a less then platonic way, giving her a pat on the little bump of her tummy before he leaves.

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Wendy is not sad, as she usually is, when Jax leaves. It seemed that that man would always be walking in and out of her life, leaving her wanting more. She was determined to make him proud this time. She would show him that she could be strong. The gold band on her wedding finger would be a reminder…her eyes were drawn to the thin little veins on her fingers, perfect for hiding tract marks. She tried to shut the thought out and nervously twisted the ring around.

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Tara is nervous at school the next day, fidgeting with her hair and staring at her books. It's English and the last class of the day. While she had been diligently avoiding him in the hallways, there was no way she would escape him in the classroom. By now, word had gone out that the star QB was taking Jax Teller's girl to the dance. Her phone had been ringing off the hook to the point that her dad had finally ripped the thing from the wall for some peace and quiet.

Her stomach plummeted as she heard the angry clatter of books dropping in the desk behind her. Jax was breathing heavily and Tara stole a glance in his direction. Immediately, they locked eyes, and her face reddened. He was pissed and there was a muscle twitching in his jaw. She avoided his gaze for the rest of class.

The bell finally rang and she rushed out of her seat, hoping to somehow avoid the coming confrontation. A hard jerk on her elbow made her books fall from her shaky arms. She bent to pick them up as the other students filed out of the classroom, some of them giving her "you're in trouble" looks.

"So do you want to tell me what the fuck's going on?" hissed Jax.

"What do you mean," said Tara, still not meeting his eyes.

"Fucking look at me!" he said, and he pulled her face up close to his. "What's going on, Tara?"

"Why don't you tell me? Tell me why you're with me," she spat out. "Tell me that I'm not just another notch on your bedpost and that you aren't trying to get into my pants!"

"Tara…" he's thrown off from the outburst, and left speechless, somewhat in part because what she was saying was partially true.

"No Jax, you can't even say it. You and I are two completely different people. We live different lives, and I know you can't tell me everything that's going on in yours. The stupid club, Samcro, I just don't know what to think of you."

And with that Tara left Jax feeling empty and alone, as the truth of her words settled in. It was true that he had only thought of sleeping with her-at first. And it was true that he could never completely expose her to club life…but there was something between them, he just had to find the words to describe it. But fuck that! Jackson Teller didn't go through all this fucking trouble for pussy. If Tara wants to go her own way, then he wasn't going to stop her. He rode his bike, missing stop signs and blazing through the streets until he came to the comforting sight of home. He went inside his house and called out to the one person who always had his back, his mother.

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A/N: I know, I know. I just wanted to get the conflict out of the way and it was better sooner than later. Please don't bash Wendy. She's a needy person with an addiction, and I wanted to segue her out of the story, but set it up for her OD in ep 1. She is a sad person who genuinely loves Jax even in her fuck-upedness. And we all know that Jax isn't done with Tara, not in the past or "present day" of my story. He just hasn't figured it out yet. Let's wave some David and Tara action in his face to inspire his jealousy! Also, I have my LJ and tumblr accounts set up, so stop by for updates or just to say hi. Here's a link for some craptastic cover art!

.#cutid1

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