11) Introducing the Unbelievable Mrs. Phillips

Tina Brown stood flat against the wall, trying not to bounce. She wrapped her gloved hands tighter around the picnic basket she was holding, thinking about the warm thermos of mulled cider inside. Winter in the desert had its blazing hot days and near freezing nights. And it didn't help she was standing at the back of a police station next to a back door without any light. The door clicked and opened, and Warrick stepped around it.

"Come on," he said.

"This had better be worth it, Warrick Brown."

He smiled, taking her hand and pulling her inside the police station. "Trust me, will ya?"

She trusted her husband explicitly; especially when he slid his hand against the small over her back and it felt like he was breezing her through the room, like he was now. He led her to a staircase and pushed open the door for her. Tina walked in and waited. He took her free hand and led her down into the basement.

"You can't tell anyone I brought you."

"I know, Warrick. You keep telling me that and I haven't forgotten in the last twenty-four hours."

He smiled at her, stopping at the bottom door. Warrick turned to her, gently brushing his finger down the side of her face before pulling her into a kiss. She almost forgot to hang onto the basket. He had woken her up by making love to her. While they laid in bed catching their breath, he told her that tonight was the night. Tonight he was going to show her The Wall. And they were going to make it special. He surprised her with the picnic basket – she didn't even know they owned one! He told her they would have dinner in the room and he would tell her all the stories he knew about the list and the other writings. Driving over she was in for another surprise when he admitted the main dish might be a little burnt since he wasn't real good at the cooking thing. He cooked? He never cooked!

"Come on," Warrick whispered, taking her hand again.

He slowly opened the door, looking down the hall toward the morgue. He motioned her to be quiet and slipped out the door into the hall with her. The two hurried down the hall to records. Warrick dug his keycard out of his pocket and let them into the vast room.

"What room is this?" Tina whispered.

Warrick answered in a normal voice, "Records. They keep the closed and cold cases down here."

Warrick gently pulled her into a walk, leading the way.

"What's a cold case?"

"Unsolved."

"Oh. Are there many of those?"

"Too many."

She looked down the aisles as they passed, staring at the floor to ceiling boxes.

"Do you come down here often?"

"Well, yeah, I write on The Wall too."

"I meant to records."

"You mean to get records?"

"Yes."

"Naw. Not often."

"Doesn't anyone ever wonder why you guys come down here all the time then?"

Warrick offered up a lazy grin. "That's why it's so good there's so many of us. What the bosses upstairs don't know, they can't stop. Besides, we got Grissom in on it. He's been good at running interference for us."

"That man…" she let out a sigh.

"What about him?"

"Into bugs." She shivered. "I can't understand that."

"Yeah, well, I'm into dead people, so not much difference."

She smiled. "You're into living too."

"So is he."

She realized she'd insulted him. "I'm sorry. I know you like him."

"Most of the time I do."

She smiled, sliding her arm around his and pulling close. They turned down the last aisle and Warrick stopped short. She looked up at him. He was staring down the aisle.

"What is it?"

"Someone's in there." Warrick looked back toward the door, then at the open door. It was open a crack, letting light out.

"Maybe someone just left the light on."

"Naw. We're careful about that. That's how Grissom found it."

She was disappointed. She really wanted to see this place, for once share something from his work.

"We can go," she said softly.

Warrick looked down at her. He looked at the door and back at her. "No. But let me see who it is first. Come on. I'll show you were to wait."

Tina smiled, letting him lead the way. He took her to the other side of the cabinets.

"I'll come get you when it's okay. Wait here."

She nodded. Warrick hesitated, and then kissed her. She almost dropped the basket again. He pulled away and left for the door. She bit down on her bottom lip, watching him slip between the cabinet and wall and disappear into the room.

#

Warrick stopped and stared. David he wasn't surprised to see. But the woman sitting on the table next to him was a surprise. She was a tall brunette with radiant, flawless skin. The two looked at him and her eyes were a light blue with dark blue outlining them. Then Warrick saw their hands. She was holding onto David's and wearing an engagement ring. Warrick's eyes tore away when David slid off the table and stood.

"Hi," David said.

"What's up?"

There was an awkward silence. The woman stood up next to David, sliding her hand back into his. Next to her, David looked a little short. She had to be at least five inches taller and now Warrick could see she was slim, but in a healthy, athletic way. Warrick had a very intense sense that he had seen this woman somewhere before, but he couldn't put his finger on where.

"This is my fiancée Christy," David said.

In an instant, the world suddenly got even stranger. This was David's fiancé?

"Uhm…" was all Warrick could say for what felt like hours as he stared at the two.

"Christy, this is Warrick Brown. He's one of our CSI."

"Hello," she said, and right away Warrick heard her Australian accent. This night just kept getting odder. David's girlfriend was a drop-dead gorgeous Aussie?

"Have we met before?" Warrick asked her. "You look familiar."

She smiled and blushed lightly. David smiled proudly, patting her hand. She turned to him, trying to hide her face against his head.

"She's a lingerie model. She did a TV spot a few months ago."

David's fiancée was a drop-dead gorgeous Australian, lingerie model. The night couldn't possibly get any more peculiar now.

"Oh," Warrick answered, because he didn't really know what else to say.

"I hate that, Davey. Why do you do that to me?" she asked.

David smiled up at her. "Because I'm proud of you, Christy. I think you're work is beautiful."

She blushed again, wrapping both arms around his. David looked back at Warrick.

"Don't tell anyone I showed her the room. I've told her about it and she's been asking to see it."

"I won't say a word. In fact… I brought Tina to see it tonight."

"Oh. Where is she?"

"Out in records. I didn't know who was in here."

"Bring her in. You'll like Tina," David told Christy.

Warrick stepped into the door and motioned Tina to come. She trotted to the cabinet and slipped into the room. Warrick noticed she looked confused.

"This is the assistant coroner, David Phillips, and his fiancée Christy."

Tina slowly looked up at Warrick, staring at him for a minute. Then she smiled, looking back at the two.

"Christy, this is my wife, Tina," Warrick told her.

Christy moved away from David long enough to extend her hand and shake Tina's when she offered it out. Then she was back at David's side. And silence fell again.

"Would you like some champagne?" Christy asked.

"Sure," Warrick and Tina answered.

Christy picked up a large padded bag from the floor and sat it on the table.

"I'm afraid we weren't expecting company, we only have two glasses."

"Were… You two going to have a picnic in here?"

"Yeah," David answered. "It was my night off so I packed us supper."

"That's what we were going to do to!" Tina said.

"You cook too?" Warrick asked.

"He's an amazing cook!" Christy told them. "He made us chicken cordon blue, crème brulèe, white asparagus with a hollandaise sauce, and bought the champagne last night. Why don't we just have a picnic together?" Christy suggested.

Warrick looked down at the picnic basket, suddenly feeling inadequate. What he'd made was much simpler: a boxed dish and pasta salad and pudding. He bought mulled cider and heated it in the microwave.

"I don't—" Warrick started, but Tina cut him off.

"Sure!" She walked forward and started unpacking the basket.

"You know, Tina, maybe we could come back later. I mean, they were going to spend the night and—"

Warrick stopped when she turned to him and had that hurt look on his face. The one that said he'd said the wrong thing, disappointed her, and maybe even broke her heart a little.

"We don't mind," David said.

Warrick looked at the picnic basket. Tina looked down at it and suddenly understanding came across her face. She smiled up at the two.

"He's right, we'll—"

"I can't cook anything that's not in a box or is fixed in the microwave," Christy said, looking right at Warrick. "But I'm learning. I'm sure whatever you have will be delicious. Please, stay. I don't get to meet many of David's co-workers and this is kind of fun. Since we're not supposed to even be here and such."

Tina laughed, sliding her arm around Warrick's waist. He smiled when she looked up at him.

"Besides, you don't know all the stories with the list," David added.

Warrick nodded, opening the picnic basket. The four set out their dishes and pulled up chairs to the table. Warrick shut the door before he joined them, not wanting anyone to hear them and come to investigate. They began eating and the men started down the list, explaining the ones that they knew the story about.

"Okay, so one hundred and twenty one there is Archie's handwriting," Warrick told them. "But I don't know what it's about."

120. You are not allowed to use lab computers to run LAN parties even if you mentioned this to your supervisor while he was otherwise distracted and muttered something that sounded like okay. (Archie)

"It wasn't him," David said. "It was some other guy on day shift that started a LAN party. He didn't tell Archie and Archie got in trouble for it. Ecklie was pretty vocal about it."

"So it's safe to say that's for the rest of the world?"

"Safe I'd say."

Christy chuckled at David's joke. Tina and Warrick didn't find it that amusing.

"Who swaps the men and women's restroom signs?" Tina asked.

121. I may not swap the men and women's restroom signs while CSI is out.

"Bobby," Warrick and David answered.

"He's our ballistics guru and he thinks that's the funniest thing to do when most everyone is out."

"So you've found yourself in the women's lavatories?" Christy asked.

"Yeah. And you know, when you walk in expecting to see a urinal, and instead find a bunch of toilets and tampon dispenser, and you're so tired you can't see straight, you begin to question your sanity."

"Luckily, he doesn't come to the basement to do that."

"It's just you and Robbins down here."

"I wouldn't want to go into the wrong restroom!"

Warrick shook his head, reading the next one out loud:

122. I am not allowed to sell mineral rights, or any other rights, while on city time.

"Nicky, Nicky, Nicky," Warrick said, shaking his head. "He is determined to torture the not so bright suspects."

"Nick? Nicolas Stokes?" Tina asked.

"You don't know the real Nicolas Stokes, baby. He has an ornery streak that's a mile wide and ten miles long."

"You should have seen what he did to a corpse one Halloween."

"We're eating here, David!"

"I don't mind," the women answered.

"I do. No corpse talk, David."

"Okay. So why did he write the next one."

Warrick read it and burst out laughing:

123. While at a crime scene, I am not allowed to try on any victim's clothing no matter what it is, where I found it, or how pretty it is.

"At this one crime scene, the vic used to be an exotic dancer and she had this room full of costumes. Everything you could imagine. Nicky, he picks up this feather boa, and just get's silly. Well, I saw Grissom come in and I knew what was coming. He turned around, and instead of just stopping, he gets goofier. Grissom nearly fired him on the spot, but he must've talked his way out of it cuz he came back to work the next day.

"And was the next one the same day?"

124. Not allowed to pretend I' am wearing earrings with any object in my field kit.

"No. That's for Greg. He likes to wear things in his field kit when he gets bored at crime scenes. Nick said he can't try on clothes, Greg can't wear his field kit."

They laughed at the joke.

"Where is Brag Boulevard?" Christy asked.

125. I am not allowed to say "I'm going to Bragg Boulevard to shake daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies".

"It's a metaphor. Greg can come up with some real interesting ones."

"Were you there when he said that one?" David asked.

"Naw. I don't know when he said that. But something tells me Catherine might no more. That's her handwriting on the next one."

126. Nor are you allowed to ask a co-worker if he or she has done that lately.

"Inflatable novelties?" Tina asked as she read the next one.

127. Inflatable novelties are not to be brought to crime scenes as 'observing partners.'

"That one is my fault," David admitted.

"You?" Christy asked, her warm voice full of surprise and wonder.

"Yeah. That was, well, mine." David said, looking at his plate. "I had a resuscitation doll in the vehicle when I received the call. It's a five thousand dollar piece of equipment and it was a bad neighborhood. So I took it in. When Catherine got there she asked why it was in there and that was my reply. So that one was because of me and my resuscitation doll. Although, I'm not really sure where the inflatable novelties came into it."

Warrick h to laugh. Not only because he could see David lugging a resuscitation doll into a crime scene to protect it. But he had to set the record straight.

"Maybe it wasn't you. Maybe it was the adult doll that Greg brought to his crime scene and claimed she was a civilian observing."

Or maybe both?"

Could be."

And who likes pink eyebrows?" Tina asked.

128. My supervisor doesn't care why my eyebrows are dyed pink.

"Greg," Warrick answered. "He's one strange man."

"And he really says one hundred and thirty at crime scenes?"

129. When first viewing a naked corpse, I am no longer allowed to exclaim, "GET NAKED!"

"Probably not anymore, but he usually did. I thought it was funny, myself."

"Who performs psychological experiences on corpses?" Christy asked.

130. May not conduct psychological experiments on any corpse, supervisor, or co-worker

"You'd be surprised," David said. "Day shift has some very strange people working for them."

"So us gravers aren't part of that?" Warrick, grinning. He knew the answer.

"I caught you trying to convince a decapitated corpse into talking about his feelings," David said.

Warrick laughed.

"You were trying to talk a dead person into talking about their feelings?"

"He started it!" Warrick pointed at David.

"I said it's too bad his head wasn't attached, maybe you could touch him, bring him alive for ten seconds and ask him who killed him."

"See!?" Warrick said.

"You watch too much television," Tina scolded David, and then scolded Warrick, "And you shouldn't listen to the guy that likes to watch horror movies in the morgue."

They all laughed.

"Oh Greggo… I'm surprised he ever gets a date."

131. I am not, "A lesbian trapped in a man's body."

They giggled.

"What's with the food experiments?" Tina asked.

132. You are not allowed to use any food in the break room refrigerator for crime scene experiments.

"Grissom," David and Warrick answered.

"He has this habit of stealing people's food to conduct experiments. Doesn't tell you until you go looking for your lunch, then he slaps a twenty in your hand and apologizes."

"At least he buys you lunch," Christy pointed out.

"Doesn't work if you can't get out to get anything."

"What is the FTIR?" Tina asked.

133. The FTIR works much like a boiling pot or paint. The longer you hover, the longer it takes to finish its job.

"It's this machine that identifies types of chemical bonds in a molecule by producing an infrared absorption spectrum that is like a molecular 'fingerprint'."

The woman looked blankly at him.

"It tells you what chemicals are present in evidence."

"Ohhhh," they said together.

"I have one to add tonight," David announced.

He pulled a piece of chalk from his coat and went to a blank spot, writing his contribution:

134. I am not allowed to express my excitement over processing any famous dead bodies. (David)

Sitting down, David explained, "Robbins told me I had to internalize my excitement from now on."

"I told you not to get so excited about that dead writer."

"That man was genius."

"That man was broke and pissed off some really nasty bookies."

"His writings were inspirational."

"David, you are nuts."

David only smiled.

"Chalk," Warrick said, holding out his hand.

David handed it over and Warrick got up to add his own:

135. I will no longer perform lap dances while wearing my lab coat or CSI vest.

"But baby, I love it when you give me lab dances in your gear," Tina said with a pouty look.

Warrick sat down next to her. "Yeah, 'cept I have a hard time explaining to my boss why my vest is always at the cleaners."

The come back amused even David.

Warrick finished off his plate and slid his arm across the back of Tina's chair, listening to the women talk. He had to look at the writing to avoid staring at David's goofy, happy smile. It was clear now why David never came to work in a bad mood.

#

Nick entered Frank's Diner, looking for Warrick and Tina. He spotted them sitting in a booth half way back. Warrick was leaned into the corner with Tina curled up next to him. They looked happy and Nick considered leaving. He knew it wasn't often Warrick and Tina had the same day off. But Warrick had called him and told him to come meet them, telling Nick he had something he wanted to him face-to-face, because Nick was not going to believe it. Nick walked down and sat down across from them, falling back on the bench. He was exhausted. He's spent the entire night in the desert sorting through a pile of bones, only to have Mandy call him at 5 AM to tell him the bones weren't even human.

"Long night?" Warrick asked.

"Uh-huh."

"What would you like, hon?" the waitress asked.

"Coffee, Ange. Lots of it. I'll open my mouth, you pour it in."

She laughed. "Okay, Nick, what do you really want?"

"Coffee, the breakfast platter with pancakes."

"And blueberries?"

Nick grinned, giving her two thumbs up. "Love you, Ange."

"You could show that by giving me better tips, Nicholas Stokes." She walked off to put in his order.

"I snuck Tina into The Wall tonight." Warrick told Nick.

Nick sat up, but then slouched down on the bench. "Don't tell the rats. They made our lives hell for a month after Grissom told Catherine and Brass."

"I won't. Yeah, so I had to sneak her in through the back door, you know the one with the faulty alarm on it."

"You mean the broken door alarm that if anyone in Las Vegas finds out about it Ecklie might have to actually budge money to get it fixed?"

"That's the one. We went down there and you will never, in a million years, guess who was down there."

"Ecklie."

"No! Where did that guess come from?"

"You said in a million years. That's the last place I could ever see Ecklie at."

"No. Guess again."

"I dunno, man! I'm too tired to guess. Just tell me."

Ange came back with Nick's coffee and a huge bowl of creamer.

"You know me so well, Ange. Wanna go get married?" Nick asked.

"My husband might object," she joked as she walked off.

Nick started fixing his creamer and sugar with coffee.

"You flirt with every waitress in here, don't you?" Tina asked.

"Only when I'm tired, I'm dirty, I'm hungry, and your husband tries to make me think."

Tina and Warrick both laughed.

"David and his woman," Warrick told him, watching Nick fix his coffee.

"That's not surprising. David's known about that for a while."

"Do you ever just drink coffee?" Warrick asked, motioning at the cup of light colored coffee.

"What's wrong with my coffee?"

"You even going to taste it with all that cream and sugar?"

"I like my coffee with cream and sugar, thank you very much!"

"That's not coffee with cream and sugar. That's, like, sugar and coffee flavored cream."

"Don't be telling me how to drink my coffee, Warrick. I don't tell you how to eat those disgusting frozen burrito things you like so much."

"Little Juan's is a working man's best friend."

"Hey! I fix you perfectly good lunches!" Tina argued.

Warrick kissed her check. "I know you do. I just have to remember to take them."

"Then it's your own fault you don't have good lunches."

Warrick hissed her cheek again. "I know it is, honey."

"Don't be kissing up to me, Warrick Brown!"

He kissed her cheek, starting to comment.

"So what about David and his woman, Warrick?" Nick interrupted.

Ange came back and sat Nick's breakfast down. She smiled as he grinned when he saw the heap of blueberries she'd put on his pancakes.

"Leave your husband, Ange. Marry me."

She only laughed, sat the syrup down and left. Nick dove into his scrambled eggs.

"Man, she is never gonna marry you," Warrick told him, adding, "David's woman is hot!"

Tina smacked Warrick's chest hard. Nick about choked on his eggs trying not to laugh.

"Hey, baby, not so hard in public." Warrick nuzzled her hair, wrapping his arms around her. "You're hot. It was the only thing I could think of to say."

Nick about choked again trying not laugh at Warrick kissing up.

"Uh-huh," Tina said.

Warrick looked at Nick with an evil grin and winked. "I'm sorry. You're hot. Just not as hot as she is."

Tina suddenly pushed away. "I'm going to the restroom, then we're leaving and you're going to make this up to me. We're going shopping."

"Ah come on. You don't mean that."

She slid out of the booth, standing, and then turned with an ornery grin. "I need more shoes." And she walked off.

Warrick groaned, leaning on the table.

"Teach you to tease her like that, won't it? So… Was his girl really hot?" Nick dove into his pancakes.

"Man, if I weren't married, I would have been trying to steal her away from him. She was smokin'. He said she models lingerie. I can't help but wonder how they even managed to hook up."

"That is what you're wondering?" Nick asked.

"Oh, you mean I should be wondering what a girl like that is doing with our little corpse lover?"

"Something like that."

"Tina asked about that. She told him David has a lot of other redeeming qualities that don't involve dead people."

"Like?"

"Dunno."

Nick stared at Warrick. "That doesn't tell me anything. I mean, David's not a bad looking guy or anything, but I kinda expected his girl to be more…"

"Geeky?"

"Yeah!"

Warrick laughed. "Well, you are sorely mistaken, my friend. Tina's coming. Gotta go."

Warrick got up, snatching one of Nick's sausage links.

"Hey!" Nick cried, pretending he was trying to stab Warrick's hand with his fork.

"See you tomorrow night."

"Yeah. You too."

Nick leaned over his meal, contemplating the information he just learned. David's girl was a lingerie model? Somehow that just didn't make any sense in any world – this or an alternate one.