16) Morning Shirk
Brass strolled through records. He had been yelled at, cussed at, one woman spit on him, and was reminded of why he disliked Valentine's Day. The one day a year that couples were supposed to love all each other was the one day that they seemed to love each other the least.
He stopped at the far corner in the back and from the window well above two filing cabinets, pulled out two beers. Even on the hottest day, the window well kept the beverages stored there satisfying cool. Grissom had explained why, once, but Brass tuned him out somewhere between "The reason for that…" and "So now you understand?"
Brass headed for the room. He saw a light on under the door and wondered who he was going to meet. The last person he'd met in there was Hodges – he really annoyed Brass and the morning they'd run into each other alone in the room, Brass had warned him not to talk. Whatever Hodges was going to say, save it for his cat – Hodges said he didn't have one – and spare him the merciless babbling he was so good at.
Brass slipped through the space to the door and entered the room. Nick was sitting at the table doodling and glanced up when Brass came in.
"Morning," Brass said.
"Morning." Nick said. He sounded tired.
Brass shut the door, walking over to the table. Nick had a beer sitting next to him, so Brass didn't offer one of his own. He sat down in another chair and screwed off the cap of one bottle, then sucked down a long drink.
"Rough night, huh?" Nick asked.
"Tell me about it."
Nick sat back yawning and dropped the chalk in his hand. Brass looked up at the walls, looking for where he'd last left off. He started reading.
203. May not valiantly push police officers in front of a gunman to save pets.
204. Not allowed to get shot while naked, half naked, or valiantly protecting my danish.
"Do you know the story behind Greg and Warrick's there?"
Nick looked at the two he pointed at. "Some patrolman said Greg tried to push him in front of a gunman and Greg, stupidly, said he was trying to save a pet. It almost turned into a big mess. Warrick… I dunno about Warrick's. He's been acting a little crazy since Tina and he divorced."
"Most men do after a divorce."
"Personal experience?" Nick asked.
Brass nodded.
"I see you and Catherine have figured out the basics of CSI-ing."
205. Never leave the lab without duct tape, gloves, chewing gum, and at least one paper clip.
206. Diamonds are not a girl's best friend. A Glock with a full clip, fingerprint powder, and a Mag Lite® are.
"She's a hard woman to please. Maybe we should let her future husband know about it."
"She's engaged?"
"No. Maybe someday."
"So we're talking hypothetical?"
"Very hypothetical."
"Better not let her hear you say that."
Nick leaned forward, starting to doodle again. "What's said at The Wall, stays at The Wall."
Brass chuckled. "Yes it does. So are you involved with this?"
207. Don't write up false reports to the car pool mechanics. ("Broken clutch pedal," "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs," "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged," "starboard nacelle causing navigation array disruption")
Nick laughed. "No. No. Warrick and Greg have been doing that for the last couple of weeks after she gave Warrick a sewage reclamation and Greg a trash dump that was all intestines."
Brass laughed. "I guess you CSI have a mean streak after all."
"We're only human,"
"And I see Grissom's not too crazy with your human factor."
208. Only say 'yes' if you actually know what the question was.
"Yeah. I'm not really sure what that means."
"You can bet Greg was involved somehow."
"Probably. Hodges got in so much trouble for pulling that one on Gina."
209. Never nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it in the reception area for Easter.
"I heard about that. Ecklie was about ready to fire him over it. Something about it being politically incorrect."
"Something about it being sacrilege, I think was his exact words."
"Sacrilege? Ecklie knows what that means?"
Nick chuckled. "No kidding. There's times his ineptitude surprises even me."
"You know, I've heard the lab rats, and Greg, call Gina that. What does that mean?"
Nick looked back at the rule.
210. The receptionist will no longer be referred to as "Crystal, the Happy Time sentry."
"Oh… Some pop culture television show reference. About this girl that dies, becomes a grim reaper and something about the receptionist where she works being a lot like Gina. I don't even know what it's called. You'd have to ask one of the lab rats or Greg about it. I always thought Gina found it funny, actually."
"Guess not."
"Guess not."
"You know she likes you."
"Who?"
"Gina."
Nick looked up at him. "Gina?"
Brass slowly nodded.
"Well, that's news."
"Bet she has visions of you performing Hot Stuff instead of Warrick there."
211. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from "Full Monty" every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
Nick laughed. "You are one twisted man, Brass. Twisted and wrong!"
Brass laughed, but he laughed harder when he read the next rule:
212 .The vehicle loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
"Greg?"
"No. No… That was a Henry muck up. Catherine was not happy with him."
"So the next one is Greg?"
213. Men do not get "that time of the month."
"No. That was Archie's excuse one day when he was in a really bad mood. Never did find out what happened, but he was in a nasty mood!" Nick whistled.
Brass waved his bottle at the next one. "Grissom caught Hodges playing Blood Mary with the one-way?"
214. I will not coerce rookies into playing 'Bloody Mary' with the one way mirror.
"Yeah. Grissom didn't even know what Bloody Marry was until that night. And that poor rookie… Grissom turned the light on inside the observation room and we heard her scream clear on the other side of the lab. I thought someone was dying!"
Brass smiled. "I missed that one. Grissom was pretty mad I bet."
"He had never heard of the ghost story of Bloody Mary, so he was a little fascinated and a little mad, I think."
"Somehow I can imagine that of him." Brass smiled. "I heard David screams like a girl."
Nick laughed, glancing at the next rule.
215. Not allowed to put fake dead people in the morgue drawers regardless of the holiday.
"Gina was lucky no one was here that day. Grissom was at a conference, Ecklie was on vacation, Robbins had the day off – Catherine was a lot more amused by it than they would have been. And lenient. David may never be the same man after that, though."
"It was her boyfriend, wasn't it?"
"Naw. Best friend. I knew about it and was down there when the guy came to life. I've never heard a string of cuss come out of David's mouth like that before."
The two laughed
"Is that one your handwork?"
Nick glanced at the next rule.
216. You may not "fly by" the crime scene you have been assigned to in order to "get a feel for the layout."
"Yeah. And you know, Grissom really didn't seem appreciative of my reasoning, either."
"Which was?"
"It worked on Top Gun."
"It didn't work on Top Gun."
That raised Nick's eyebrows.
"You watched Top Gun?"
"I have a daughter, remember?"
"Oh… You watched Top Gun?"
"Yes."
"It worked. Twice."
"And they got in trouble too, as I recall."
"Details."
"So what's with the names?" Brass nodded toward the rule.
217. Even if they resemble one of these characters, you may not to refer to any suspect as: Thor-geous, He-man, Vash the Stampede, Vala, Fay Valentine, Chewbacca, Freddy Kruger, Elektra, Aeon Flux, or Yoda. (Nor may you use any references that has not already been added to this list.)
"Gonna have to ask Greggo and Archie. There's references to things I don't know anything about. Except Kruger, Yoda and Chewie. I know those too."
Brass laughed. "I pegged you as more of a horror or action guy."
"I was the youngest in a family of seven. I was exposed to many, many genres growing up."
"I guess being the youngest can be a disadvantage."
Nick nodded. And for a moment, Brass noticed how the remark actually made him sad. He wondered why that would make Nick said, but decided not to ask.
"Who's fondling Gina's plants?"
218. No fondling of co-worker's plants.
Nick swallowed a sip of beer before answering. "Bobby."
"Bobby?"
"He says he's helping them grow."
"By fondling them?"
"He embellished on a Mythbusters episode."
"Embellished how?"
"The Mythbusters proved that positive sound does help plants grow better. He claims petting helps too."
"You mean he's trying to bring back to life that that dead thing she hides behind the counter?"
"It's hiding in ballistics now."
Brass chuckled. "Well, that's different."
Nick nodded.
"What is with Greg and plants at crime scenes?"
219. May not shout "Bonsai!" when encountering small ornamental trees at crime scenes Contributed by LoraLee2
"I think he does things just to see who's going to stop him first."
"And he's never disappointed. What exactly is a kill word?"
220. My name is not a kill word.
"Got me, but it seems to be a running joke with the lab rats. Well, except for Mandy."
"And what is Moh… Moj… Maj… Maj-qu-ah?"
221. I may not practice MajQa on city time.
"Dunno. I gathered it had something to do with Star Trek. Beyond that, I know nothing..."
"You don't know much about what's going on, do you?"
Nick laughed. "Ya know, the less I know, the easier it is to plead innocent when everyone else is getting in trouble."
"Oh. So Thor isn't your superior?"
222. Thor is not our superior, therefore I cannot listen to his commands.
Nick laughed hard this time. "Ohhhhh no. And Warrick almost got suspended for trying to pull that on Grissom. Apparently that kind of stuff is only tolerated if your name starts with a G."
"And an N."
"I do not get away with stuff like that."
"Oh please! You're like his prodigy child."
Nick scoffed at Brass. "Henry, maybe. Mister Doctorate at twenty-three."
"Henry has a doctorate?"
"You didn't know that?"
"Naw."
"Yeah. And he's working on a second one now."
"He's working a second doctorate while working full time and with a kid at home? Geeze."
"Geeze nothing. He started on it last year and has four classes left. What I wouldn't give to be that smart."
"Smart apparently doesn't count for pants."
223. Pants are not optional.
"Yeeaaaaah." Nick glanced at the rule. "I guess we do need to go back to the working on a doctorate, working full time, and having a kid. He gets a little forgetful sometimes."
"I hadn't noticed."
"One day, he put a cocaine baggie to smoke for prints in the centrifuge, the blood for the centrifuges in the FTIR, and the hair strands for the FTIR in the smoke hood. I came in right when he realized what he'd done and he was apologizing to the equipment for the mistake."
"What's the second doctorate? Wait. What's the first doctorate and then tell me the second?"
"His first is in forensic chemistry and the second is forensic accounting. That's got Ecklie all excited."
"How so?"
"He says it'll be nice to have someone who's good with accounting. We won't have to contract out for cases with accounting evidence anymore."
"Poor Henry."
"Oh yeah."
"So, Nick, what is with you and clowns?"
224. All clowns are to be considered evil until strip searched.
"Hate clowns."
"You hate clowns? That's kinda of sacrilege."
"They're grown men in costumes trying to make everyone think they're funny. And they're not."
"Nick. Did you have a personal experience with a clown?"
Nick smirked. "You might say that."
"What happened?"
Nick leaned on the table as he started his story. "It all started on my ninth birthday. I wanted a clown and a pony for my birthday party. So my brother's and sister's helped convince our parents to get both. Well, the party was going great, and I started opening presents. And no one noticed the pony was eating the cake."
"The horse was eating the cake?'
"I think ponies eat pretty much anything."
Brass nodded with a soft grunt. He couldn't argue, he didn't know.
"And while the cake eating pony was out back chowing down, the clown was in the garage getting drunk."
"This already sounds like a great ninth birthday party."
"We get all done and go out for cake and ice cream. But there's hardly any cake left. There's twenty some nine and ten year olds without cake for a birthday party. It was horrible! My dad was furious at the pony's owner and while he was tearing him a new one, mom went to go find the clown. Well, the clown, he was sloshed by that time. He comes out back, can hardly walk, and starts making jokes about the cake being eaten by the pony. Then he proceeds to try riding the pony out of the yard. Us kids, already mad about the cake being gone, grab water balloons and threw them at the clown to stop him. He got bucked off and started swearing at us! A sailor would have blushed from the words coming out of that man's mouth." Nick looked right at Brass. "And he ruined my ninth birthday party. Everyone had to go home after that. So as far as I'm concerned, clowns are a childhood evil."
Brass stared at Nick, half expecting him to start laughing and tell him the story had all been a joke. But Nick didn't laugh. He didn't smile. He was very serious about his dislike of clowns and why he disliked them so much.
"Most people think they're just creepy," Brass pointed out.
"I think they're just plain evil."
"Guess you haven't had much therapy about that ninth birthday party?"
"I take it out on other clowns when I get the chance."
Brass nodded. "Fair enough. Let me borrow that chalk."
Nick handed him his piece and Brass got up adding to the list:
225. Not allowed to get shot.
226. If it looks like a gun, chances are it is a gun.
"Who got shot?"
"Me. Arm. Still stings a little."
"And I guess you thought it wasn't a gun?"
"It was orange. I thought it was a water pistol. Turns out it was a gun painted to look like a water pistol – ironically."
"Did a kid have it?"
Brass sat back down. "Naw. A clown."
Nick stared at him. "I divulge my deepest darkest secret to you and you poke fun?"
"No. It really was a clown. I'm not crazy about them either." He sat the chalk down in front of Nick. "See you tomorrow night."
Brass got up and left. Nick smiled, picking up the chalk and resuming his doodle.