17) Hippo Birdie Tu Ewe
Nick didn't look up when Hodges walked into the lab. He quickly handed what he was writing on back to Greg standing next to him. Greg slipped it in the evidence bag next to him and left, flashing a smile as he passed Hodges.
"Hi Nick," Hodges said.
"What's up?" Nick said.
"Not much. So… Are you busy after work?"
Nick shrugged.
"I thought maybe we could go have breakfast."
"I dunno… Kinda tired and the shift just started."
"Well… Maybe we could do something later in the day?"
Nick shook his head. "Have plans later. Sorry, man."
Nick saw Hodges nod his head. "Right. Well, I'll see you around."
"Yep."
Hodges turned and left. Nick looked sidelong, watching him leave and grinned. Then he turned back to his work.
#
Hodges walked into the layout room, watching Greg hastily drop something into the paper evidence bag he'd left Nick's lab with. Catherine and Warrick didn't look up from the photographs of their latest crime scene.
"Later," Greg told them as he left.
"Hi," Hodges said.
"Hey," Warrick said.
"Hi," Catherine answered as she leaned forward. "Notice how the tire pattern is worn here along the edge?" she asked Warrick.
Hodges leaned on the table, looking at the photo.
"Car might not be aligned," Warrick said. "Might help us."
"Could have a low tire, too," Hodges said.
"Yeah. Maybe."
"So is either of you busy after work today?"
"I have to take Lindsey to a doctor's appointment," Catherine answered.
"Warrick?"
"I'm not up to anything today. Why? What's up?"
Hodges forced a smile. "Nothing."
The two went back to work as if the conversation had never happened. Hodges sighed, walking out of the lab.
"He gone?" Catherine whispered.
Warrick looked up, watching him. "Now he is."
She grabbed a folder and pulled out a greeting card. She slid it in front of Warrick as she stood.
"Sign it and get it to someone else. I'll see you on the scene in twenty."
Warrick nodded as he opened the card and picked up a pen.
#
Hodges found Archie in the break room working on a laptop. Henry sat across from him reading case files. Greg came in right behind him, still carrying the evidence bag. He sat it on the counter and then bought a bottle of water. Grabbing the bag again, Greg headed out of the room
"Greg," Hodges said.
He stopped, turning.
"Is that for me?" Hodges said, pointing at the bag.
"No."
"What is it?"
"I have to get it to ballistics. Just a lot else going on today."
"Oh. Okay."
Greg hurried off and Hodges turned back to Archie and Henry.
"Hi," Hodges said to them.
The two barely acknowledged him.
"Say, are either of you busy tomorrow after work?"
"I have to take Jason to a doctor's appointment in the morning," Henry said.
"That's funny. Catherine's taking Lindsey to an appointment too."
Henry didn't comment.
"What are the chances?" Hodges said with a suspicious tone.
"About as likely as you asking me what are the chances," Henry answered.
Hodges frowned at him, and turned his attention to Archie. "What about you, Archie?"
"Girlfriend wants me to do something. What's up?"
"I just thought we could have breakfast in the morning."
"Sorry. Can't do that."
"Well, how about something later?"
"Maybe. You'll have to call me later."
"Sure. I'll do that."
Henry left the room, passing Warrick coming in. He leaned on the table next to Henry.
"Got that trace?" he asked Henry, glancing back.
Hodges disappeared around the corner and he sat the card on top of Henry's reading.
"Sign it and pass it on. Make sure it gets back to Grissom."
Warrick left.
#
Hodges walked up to the receptionist desk, listening to Gina typing away. He leaned on the counter but she didn't look up.
"What's up?" Gina asked without breaking pace in her typing.
"Are you busy in the morning?"
"Nope."
"Want to get some breakfast tomorrow morning?"
"When?"
"Right after work."
"I'm going down to The Wall first. We can go after that."
Hodges smiled, perking up. "Really?"
"Sure."
"Okay. I'll meet you here after work."
"Okay."
Hodges turned to walk away.
"By the way, happy birthday," she said.
Hodges looked back at her and she stopped typing to hold his gaze.
"You're the only one that remembered," Hodges quietly told her.
She shrugged. "CSI solve crimes, you lab rats find evidence, and I remember birthdays and anniversaries. It works out in the grand scheme of things." She started typing again.
Hodges tried to make his smile bright, but in reality, it hurt to know that no one in the lab knew or cared that it was his birthday. He headed back to work.
#
Gina looked up when Hodges stopped at her desk.
"Ready?" he asked.
She stood, slipping envelopes into a slot. She looked past him and he turned, seeing Warrick and Nick getting on the elevator together. The graveyard shift had cleared out fast today. Usually they did that when the shift had been usually busy, which it hadn't been tonight. Not that Hodges cared. They'd all forgotten his birthday.
"Oh, just a second." She said and turned, doing something at the fax machine. "If I don't get this over to the courthouse Grissom will have my head."
Hodges didn't comment. He was just happy someone was going with him to celebrate his birthday. Gina turned, grabbed her coat, and they headed for the elevator. The two got on and Hodges tapped the basement button.
"Have something insidious to add to the list?" Hodges asked.
She smiled. "Something like that."
The elevator doors opened and they headed for The Wall.
"Oh!" Gina said as they entered records. "This was in your box." She handed him an envelope.
"When did it arrive? I thought I checked it start of shift."
"I dunno. I ran some papers to Catherine and it was there when I got back."
Hodges turned it over, running his finger along the flap. He opened it and a bright 'Happy Birthday' was printed on the front. He slowed to a stop at the filing cabinets, opening it, and staring at the signatures and well wishes from every one of The Wall Crew. Hodges looked up, seeing Gina had already gone in. She must have told them it was his birthday and out of guilt they had all rushed to get the card for him. Hodges walked in behind her and when he cleared the door, stared.
The Wall Crew were waiting in the room. Nick was the first to crack a smile.
"You thought we forgot your birthday!" he laughed. "You're so gullible."
And then the room erupted into an out of tune rendition of Happy Birthday. The blues and bad mood he'd fallen into that night melted away even as they hit painful off notes. Finished Catherine came forward and hugged him, then handed him an airline ticket.
"You'd been asking Ecklie to help you get to the conference next month. We all chipped in for the plane ticket."
"Thank you," Hodges said, beaming.
"Okay! Cake, then the wall," Greg said, clapping his hands once and then picking up the knife to cut the small cake sitting on the table.
"He's been moving this thing around all night to keep it away from you," Warrick told Hodges. "Might have some of his drool on it."
"It was in a box. Cake!"
Greg dished out a piece of cake to everyone before diving into his own piece.
"I am told I have to put this rule up," Henry said. With his free hand he opened the box of chalk sitting on the table and fished a piece of used chalk out. He walked over to the wall and added the first rule of the morning:
227. "An entity entered my lab and ate the evidence" is not a permissible excuse for misplaced evidence.
Henry turned to them. "Even if there really is an entity in my lab that eats evidence.
"There is no entity living in your lab, Henry," Grissom rebuked.
"There is too. I've seen it," Greg argued.
With a knowing smile and shake of his head, Grissom told the two men, "There are no entities that eat evidence."
Nick laughed, slugging Warrick's arm. "Tell that to Brown here!"
"What?" Warrick asked. "What are you talking about?"
Catherine started laughing hard. So hard that she started crying and had to lean on Grissom to stay standing.
"What!?" Warrick asked.
"Let me refresh your memory, Warrick," Nick said as he added an item:
228. Do not eat brownies found at a house with marijuana in it.
"OH!" Warrick cried out. "You promised you'd never tell anyone!"
"You ate brownies at a crime scene?" Grissom asked.
Catherine started laughing harder, shaking her head. "Don't be mad at him," she whimpered. "It was my prank."
Grissom stared at her, waiting to hear the story.
She finally collected herself enough to talk. Catherine wiped her tears off as she explained to him, "He had been just awful all night. Picking on me and just giving me hell!"
Warrick chuckled, apparently remembering the night.
"So we stopped for supper, and I picked up a couple of brownies for later. We go to this house with marijuana plants everywhere. He was counting up the plants out back and I went inside. And in the kitchen was this pan of brownies and I thought of the best payback. So I put my two in the pan. Now, you gotta understand, these were the only two brownies cut in the pan and they were the only two frosted. The rest of the pan was uncut, no frosting, and most people would consider that. So he comes into the kitchen, and I grabbed one of mine and started eating it."
"You were standing there acting like they were the best brownies in the world!"
"The one I had was."
"I can already see where this is headed," Ecklie said, shaking his head.
"Yeah. So he's going off about my contaminating the crime scene and that I'm not supposed to be eating these brownies. Well, then genius comes in," she waives her hand at Nick, "and takes the second brownie. Warrick grabs a knife and cuts a big huge one, and takes a huge bite out of it before I could stop him."
"So then," Nick said through his laughter. "She's all 'Spit it out! Spit it out!' And dummy here is getting all mad, tells her if she can he can. She starts choking on her brownie and trying to get his away. And I had no idea what was going on."
Catherine sat down. "He'd eaten half of his before I got it away from him. So, Grissom, that night, when you were wondering why Warrick was eating everything in sight and really, really, really happy… It wasn't mint in those brownies!"
"I should be mad about this," Ecklie said, "But I always knew one day Brown would meet his match. And, Catherine, he met you."
"Suffice it to say that we no longer pull pranks at crime scenes?" Grissom asked.
She shook her head. "That, I'm afraid, is going to be a long, long way off. With these three, there's no mercy, or stopping it." She stood suddenly, pulling the chalk from Nick's hand. "Which reminds me, boys."
She turned to a wall and added:
229. Any incident that happens in the lab or at a crime scene may not be blamed on any of the following entities: Murphy, Greys, Santa Clause, Little Green Men, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Elvis, gremlins, goblins, hobnobs, ghosts, ghouls, any religious deity, Elves, Father Time, Mother Nature, pets, or siblings.
"But… I have blame things on my brother. It's part of being a brother," Henry argued.
"I got six other siblings that could sneak in here at any time and sabotage my work," Nick added.
"I just have fish to blame," Greg admitted.
"I have a sister that deserves blame," Mandy told them.
"NO! No. No. No. No blame, on anyone, ever!"
"Not even on Bobby's sheep?" Archie asked.
"Hey, leave Betty out this!" Bobby retorted.
"Betty?" Hodges asked. "You've named the inflatable sheep Betty?"
"She's always been named Betty."
"I've never heard you call it Betty," Grissom told him.
"Don't get him started," Ecklie told him. "Then he'll try to explain why everything else is in the gun locker."
"Everything else?" Grissom's eyebrows lifted.
"Well, I have—"
"We don't want to hear about it," Ecklie told him.
"But it's really a funny—"
"We don't want to hear about it," repeated.
"Oh fine!" Bobby grabbed apiece of chalk and added:
230. My supervisor is not interested in why I have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the ballistics gun locker.
"Why do you have a box of rubber bands in the closet?" Gina asked him.
"Well, when—"
"We don't want to hear about it," Ecklie, Nick and Greg told him.
Bobby threw up his arms. "Ya'll are missing a good story, but fine, fine. I'll just go on about my business and scare away all the small children with spoons."
"What?" Hodges asked.
"That makes about as much sense as Greg's long term goal," Grissom told him.
"I have a perfectly acceptable and great long term goal," Greg argued.
Grissom wrote it on the wall:
231. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long-term goal to give a supervisor when interviewing for a promotion.
"That isn't even a logical long term goal," Grissom told him.
"Greg, you put that down as your long term goal?" Nick asked.
"Worked for Dorothy."
"It didn't work for Dorothy."
"Yes it did!"
"No. The Wicked Witch of the West had the flying monkeys," Mandy argued. "And she was melted with water. So, basically, it didn't work."
"Yeah, but Dorothy made friends with the flying monkeys after the witch was dead. Remember? They all sang the witch is dead."
"That was the Munchkins when Dorothy's house landed on the Wicked Witch of the East," Archie said between bites of cake.
"Geeze, Greg, as geeky as you are, I'd'a thought you'd know that movie by heart," Henry said. "I do."
"You have a small child in your house. You have an excuse for memorizing movies like that. I have grown women in my house. I don't."
Henry started saying, "I dunno what to tell you. It's just a craaaaaaazy—"
Nick and Archie both slapped their hands over his mouth.
"NO!" Nick barked. "No it is not. No you will not. NO!"
Muffled Henry complained, "But it's a very craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy—"
"On the wall. You are not repeating that phrase one more time in my presence in my lifetime."
Henry pushed their hands away, looking sad. "Fine!" And he added to the list:
232. In response to observations, I am no longer allowed to utter the phrase, "It's a craaaaaazy chicken world!"
"There is a god!" Ecklie said.
They all looked surprised at him. He just smiled and started eating cake.
"Speaking of things that aren't good to do, perhaps you gentlemen should bear this one in mind," Grissom told them as he wrote.
233. Glass walls, plus objects or people on wheels, never have happy endings.
"But… That's fun," Henry said.
"And we make interesting face prints when we do it," Greg told Grissom.
Grissom laughed. "You two are full of it today, aren't you?"
Greg and Henry laughed.
"We've had to hide a cake all night," Greg explained. "That's bound to make anyone a little crazy."
"Oh, hey, I have one." Nick said, walking over to a wall. "And this is a very important one, even for lab rats. Of all the rules up here, this one is the one that you must never forget." He wrote.
234. Don't tease the coroner when he's covered in human goo.
"That was an accident," Robbins immediately argued.
"Accident my ass!" Nick shot back.
"You surprised me!"
"Uh-huh,"
"I had the music up loud."
"You call that music?"
"Yes!"
"Sounded like someone killing two parakeets!"
Everyone laughed, even Robbins. "Better than that stuff he listens to." He motioned at Greg.
"What? What's wrong with my music?"
"It could make your ears bleed," Ecklie told him.
"Pshaw! Hey, at least I don't go around quoting Doctor Seuss like ol' Nicky here," Greg poked.
"I only quote it in very special circumstances."
"Didn't I tell you not to do that anymore?" Grissom asked.
"Yeah… Well… I…"
Grissom gave him a level stare. Nick turned and added one more:
235. Not allowed to quote Dr. Seuss no matter how much the crime scene may resemble one of the books.
"And while you're at it, let's talk about your relations with FBI agents," Ecklie said.
"I have good relations with the FBI. So good, in fact, they put me on the no fly list for six months!"
"Is that why I've had four calls in two weeks about you and your FBI nicknames?"
"What's wrong with my nicknames?"
"Besides they're trademarked?" Hodges asked.
"Hey, they all look alike; I can't tell 'em apart."
"Nick, they do not all look alike and you are not permitted to call them names anymore."
Nick made a face but wrote his rule on the wall:
236. We do not refer to male FBI agents as Agent Mulder or Agent Spooky, and female FBI agents as Agent Scully. They have names and seem to like them.
Nick turned and grinned. "Now, I will have to find another name."
"No names, Nick," Ecklie said.
"Oh, but I will. Until my name is off that damned no fly list, I will find another name and they will be known by it."
"No more cake for you," Catherine said. "You or Greg."
"I didn't say anything!"
"But you were going to," Mandy jabbed.
"I was not!"
"Maybe something about the cockroaches."
"I didn't touch no stinkin' cockroaches! When are you going to believe that?"
"Uhm… Never?"
Grissom added a rule:
237. No 'borrowing' of any supervisor's cockroaches to scare co-workers.
"And now I know who to blame," Grissom said.
"I didn't touch the cockroaches. It was him!" Greg pointed at Henry.
With mouth full of cake he froze, looking up at him. "Me?" he asked over a bite of cake.
"Yes. You borrowed Grissom's cockroaches after you sat in that chair."
Henry swallowed his cake. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Warrick smiled, putting his arm around Henry's shoulder. "You were higher than a kite after you sat in that chair, Henry."
Henry blushed a little. "I don't know what anyone's talking about."
"You do to! I was babysitting for two days 'cause you sat in that chair," Catherine told him.
Henry turned a brighter crimson as he added:
238. Do not sit on furniture that came out of a meth lab.
"I never want to do that ever again," Henry told them.
"Oh come on. It was fun. You were talking to the evidence, having lengthy conversation with the break room chairs, and even the floating dogs were interesting," Warrick told him.
Hodges laughed. "And you put on a fabulous shadow box play in the observation room."
That made everyone laugh.
"But we don't use the one-way for shadowbox plays, do we, Hodges?" Grissom told him.
"We… Could. Again. Maybe."
"Do we, Hodges?"
Hodges added his next rule, to much booing from the CSI and lab rats:
239. We may not use the one-way mirror for shadow box plays.
"You steal our fun!" Archie said, jabbing his fork at Grissom.
"I try to keep some semblance of professionalism in the building."
"You do? When?" Ecklie asked.
Grissom shot him a glare that only made everyone laugh.
"Supervisor fight! Supervisor fight!" Hodges cried out.
"Quick, grab a camera," Bobby called out.
"OH NO!" Warrick said and wrote his own rule:
240. You may not take incriminating photos of your supervisors or co-workers.
"I don't ever want to see another one of me and a goat again. Ever. Greg and Archie."
"If you're going to put that on, then you know this one has to follow," Ecklie said as he added:
241. Nor may you Photoshop® incriminating photos of your supervisors or co-workers.
"And…" He turned, looking directly at Greg and then Henry. "There are certain songs that are not permissible to be sung while you are processing certain evidence."
The two looked at each other.
Ecklie turned, telling Greg while he added the next one, "You're teaching the new guy bad habits, Sanders."
242. You are not allowed to sing "Every Sperm is Sacred" while processing sperm for DNA. Contributed by lady-lunastar
"Nooooooooooo!" Nick cried. "You can't stop them from singing that! We have to hear that song at least once a night just to get in the groove of things."
"Oh, but he has," Mandy shot back. "I support his decision because if I ever hear that song again, I want to be dead."
"You're just no fun, Mandy. None."
"Speaking of things we never want to hear again," Grissom said, writing:
243. We do not "charge into battle, naked, like the Celts" on ANY crime scene.
With a firm tap on the period, he turned to his three CSI. "You scare people when you cry this, men."
"But…" Greg started.
"They deserve it," Warrick argued.
"They do deserve to be scared. We're scary people." Nick added.
"Nick, if you three are scary people, then I'm not sure what your definition of not scary is."
"How about people that use candy for perimeter markers?" Warrick looked at Nick.
Nick held his stare without blinking.
"They showed up in fluorescent light," Nick finally said. "What's your complaint?"
Warrick added:
244. When you run out of perimeter markers you are not allowed to use any form of candy.
"My complaint is that you used them on wet grass, and then the sun came up, and then we couldn't see them because the park squirrels stole them!"
"They were hungry."
Warrick narrowed his eyes at him.
"I was being kind to the local wildlife?"
Warrick's eyes narrowed more.
"I was too lazy to go back and get perimeter markers?"
Warrick smirked. "I knew it!"
"At least I didn't kill an entire lab in five minutes," Nick smiled at Greg.
"What are you talking about?"
Nick pretended to grab something and started hoping around, imitating Greg saying, "And then he threw her this way, and then this way, and then they went down like this, and then…" Nick put his hands on his hip. "Ring a bell?"
"I don't… I don't know that I like you," Greg told him before adding:
245. I should not use a broom to demonstrate to a fellow CSI how violently a victim was strangled.
"So that's what happened in the lab," Hodges commented.
"Ah. I have one to add," Catherine said, taking Nick's chalk and writing:
246. Items hereby banned from being brought into any crime scene: fake appendages, wigs, oversized shoes, ballroom gowns, feather boas, water guns, spirit gum, face paint, realistic Halloween corpses, Santa Claus costumes, chorus girl costumes, and bolas.
"But how are we supposed to pull pranks on coroners?" Nick protested.
"You don't," Robbins said. "Thank you Catherine."
"But I like my feather boa," Warrick complained. "It brings out the brown in my eyes."
"The only stipulation on our attire is it must be clean, without any tears or offensive graphics or logos – and can't be red," Greg told her. "My ballroom gown meets all these requirements – it's blue."
"You deal with this," Catherine told Grissom.
"It is written, it is now a rule," Grissom said.
The three pretended to throw a tantrum, making the other's laugh.
"Oh hey! I got one!" Nick said and took back his chalk to add:
247. Do not taunt a police officer throwing up at the sight of body parts – or you'll end up wearing his highly projectile vomit.
"This one," Nick continued, "Should really be part of the rookie training. I think that it is real important that we understand that our pals in uniform just got weak guts."
"And you were doing so well until the end," Ecklie told him.
"Thank you. Thank you very much, Ecklie."
"Speaking of rookies," Grissom stole Nick's chalk. "I think we should address what not to teach them." He wrote:
248. Rookies are not to be told roadkill is a 'training crime scene corpse.'
249. May not stage a crime scene at any time for 'training purposes' without your supervisor's knowledge AND approval.
"But what about all the bunny's little babies," Mandy asked.
"And those poor coyotes," Nick threw in. "They were just trying to get home for the Wolf Pack game."
"And the chickens," Henry added. "They just wanted to cross the road! They deserve justice!"
Henry's remark tore the room up with laughter.
When it finally died down some, Mandy said, "Okay. So there's this new revenge thing going around the lab that I think is high time to come to a halt." She wrote down:
250. The camera flash is not to be used as a revenge tool.
"But it's fun to see how starry eyed you get when they do that," Gina said.
"Who's side are you one?" Mandy shot at her.
Gina grinned. "The winning side."
"That's low. That's… No more shoe talk with you!"
"Now that's low," Catherine said. "But well deserved."
"Hey, what is probably the stupidest thing a lab rat can say to an off duty cop?" Henry asked.
A couple guesses were tossed out: 'Our cars are nicer than yours,' 'We know how to make the place glow,' 'Do you know where your spouse is? We do.'
"NO!" Henry wrote it down."
251. Telling off duty cops that 'lab rats rule, cops drool' is a sure fire way to a speeding ticket.
"Henry," Grissom started, "How many times have you done that?"
"Once. He hates me."
"Why did you say that?"
"He was trying to tell me how they were better at solving crimes than we were."
"Yeah, but… Henry…" Catherine trailed off. "Oh Henry."
"Yeah. It was not my smartest move. Hindsight has been very expensive these days."
"Oo! Do you know another thing that you should never do?" Nick asked.
"I'm not guessing. Hand me another piece of cake," Catherine said.
Nick dished her up another piece and then wrote:
252. May not yell "Geronimo!" when reporting to crime scenes where someone has jumped, or fell, or was pushed, from a plane. Contributed by LoraLee2
"I never said you couldn't do that." Grissom said.
"I did," David said.
"Why?" Grissom asked.
"Remember the murder case we had out at the airplane graveyard?"
"Yes."
"He'd go into a plane, process it, then yell it every single time he came out and saw the victim. After the hundredth time, I decided he shouldn't do that anymore."
"Every time?"
"It was fun," Nick said. "David was annoyed."
"David didn't need annoyed," David shot back.
"Oh yes, yes David did need annoyed."
"No. David didn't."
"Yes, David did."
"And now that we've established that you and David don't agree when David should be annoyed, could we move on to something else?" Ecklie asked.
"Oh. I have one for one of our favorite little lab rats," Hodges said, and added:
253. When opening a container with an unknown item or substance, it is not required to cry out, "Out demons! Out!"
He turned to face Henry. They all looked at him.
"There might be demons inside. I have to make sure."
"Every single container?" Mandy asked.
"Yes."
"No."
"But they might get together with the entity that eats evidence and start eating other things. Like cars. And bars."
"And guitars?" Greg asked.
"Maybe."
"You were going to say guitars."
"Maybe. Maybe I wasn't."
Greg nodded. "You were going to say guitars because that's how the song goes."
"I'm ashamed to admit I even know this song," Catherine said. "Henry, we've already established you can't blame lab incidents on ghost and goblins. Do I need to add men from Mars too?"
Henry smiled at his cake and then ate a bite. They laughed at him and he joined in.
"Hey, uhm…" Hodges waited for everyone to stop talking. "Thanks everyone for remembering my birthday."
"Is this going to turn into one of those girlie moments, is it?" Nick asked.
"More cake?" Hodges asked.
The topic was forgotten. But secretly, Hodges was feeling a little girlie. He had never been so grateful to be a part of this team as he was this morning, standing among his co-workers, joking and laughing. They were the best part of his extended family.