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Chapter Ten: Depression

He opened his eyes and glanced over at the clock near the bed. He didn't want it to be morning so soon. It felt as though he had just gone to bed two hours ago. The red numbers read eight forty-five, making him groan. No wonder he had been so tired. It had been exactly two hours since he had fallen asleep. A harsh knock came at the door. He glared it for a moment and tried to ignore the person who was being too loud. He felt something move next to him, which startled him even more. He peered over to see Gen sleeping next to him. They had spent the entire evening packing up Ryoma's belongings and crying while sharing memories. Everything was coming to an end with no resolve between any of them. The knock on the door became more persistent.

"Come in," he growled. He had a good idea of who it was and did not want to deal with them so early in the morning. Especially since it would only be to tell them that they should get out of the mansion.

"You took long enough to answer, Syuusuke," the arrogant voice boomed as soon as the door was opened.

"Some of us we're trying to sleep, Atobe. Don't you dare use my first name anymore," he snarled. "Also, keep your voice down, Gen is still sleeping."

"Ara? Gen slept here? How interesting," Atobe said while smirking. "I thought that you were going to focus on your precious Ryoma."

"He was helping me pack," Fuji replied coldly. "My loyalty and priorities have not shifted."

He clenched his fist.

If only I had acted on them sooner.

He stared at the diva, who was looking at him coldly. There were some things that would not be resolved between them no matter what. He was more than willing to walk away. However, he knew that they both would eventually come to regret this. At the moment though, he was far too angry with Atobe.

"I just have one more question for you, Atobe."

"What is it?"

"Why did you have to send those articles to Ryoma? You knew he was having a hard time getting over what happened to him."

"The brat brought it upon himself."

"How dare you say a thing like that!"

"He pushed us away after asking us to try and help him recover."

"Ryoma only did that because it reminded him too much of what happened! He wanted to have a physical relationship with us, but he couldn't because of what those men did to him."

"I do not care! He was the one who came to us and was the one who pushed us away!"

"How could you be so cruel to the one person who cared for you the most? He wanted to get better so that he could try and fix things between us. He willingly went against you, knowing that it would bring him pain, because he knew that there was still hope. He believed that he could solve all of our problems by sticking around. All you did was destroy a life."

"It was his mistake," Atobe scoffed.

He raised his hand to smack the diva, but someone had already beaten him to it. He glanced over and saw Sanada glaring at the diva. He had never seen such a dark expression on the normally stoic person's face before. Silence between the three of them ensued. It was stifling to be in the presence of one Atobe Keigo, but it would be an insult to Ryoma to walk away.

"Have you finally chosen a side then, Gen?" the diva asked in a dark voice. Fuji knew that Atobe would not take kindly to being struck like that.

"It does not matter whose side I am on," Gen replied. "I do not need any other reason to strike expect for the one that you are tarnishing Ryoma's name. I suggest you leave this room before anything worse happens to you. Syuusuke and I will be gone before lunch. We wouldn't want to stay here longer than that anyway."

If Atobe was surprised, he did not express it. However, he was having a hard time believing that Gen had just said those things. If anyone had uttered those words before this incident, there would have been hell to pay. Of course, there would still be hell in their future.

The diva did not say anything else. He lowered his hand and turned toward Sanada.

"Thank you, Gen."

"You were going to do the same, I just reacted quicker."

"I suppose you're right. I apologize for waking you."

"It wasn't you who woke me."

"Shall we start moving boxes then? Knowing Atobe, he will hold you to your word."

"There is not much to move anyway. I'll call Seiichi and have him help us. I'm sure he would let you stay too since if you still do not have a place to stay."

"Perhaps until I am able to get my own place," he said distantly. "I think that it would be best though if we did not stay with each other. We all need time to heal from this and it is better if we heal separately."

"There is no justifying what he did, Syuusuke. He hurt all of us. Even if we all are hurting, we still need to be able to rely on someone. Don't close yourself off to people."

"I know, Gen."

But it might already be too late for me. My heart has already been poisoned to the point where nothing will erase the pain I am feeling. I have no one left to turn to since I was closed off from my friends and even my lovers. It will not be easy to open up again.

He threw a glance at the boxes in the corner. It took them five boxes to pack all of Ryoma's belongings. Most of them were clothes and books. Everything else was forgotten accomplishments and few memories of the joy that they used to share. There were not many, but they were small glimmers of hope. Syuusuke picked one box up and headed outside. It was a lengthy walk, but he did not mind. After all, this was just another part of the journey that he had to go through before he could enjoy the future. If he did not take this step now, he would forever live in misery.

Even though it's where I've lived up to this point. I have to change. I have to get stronger.

--

He squeezed the hand of the person lying in the bed one last time before standing up and leaving. His chest clenched tightly, making it difficult to breathe once again. Every time that he visited the hospital, it was the same. Each time he saw the pale face of the person he loved, he felt ill. He had asked himself why this had to happen and why it was so difficult to see the one he cared about most still resting still as though they were dead. Perhaps because he knew it was no longer about the physical battle. Instead, it was the emotional one that haunted both him and the person sleeping.

Two months had past. There was no sign of Ryoma ever waking up and there nothing that he could do to ease the pain of his heart. He prayed that by some miracle, Ryoma would open his eyes and smile at him again. As the days slipped by, so did the chances of him ever seeing the golden eyes of his lover. He walked slowly out of the hospital, letting his thoughts eat away at his mind. They had changed from his resolve of getting stronger to one of self-hate and guilt that he let this incident happen.

While it was not entirely his fault, it felt as though it was his burden to bear alone. After living for three weeks with Yukimura and Gen, he had found his own place to live and moved out. It was closer to both the hospital and his work so that he would spend less time traveling back and forth between places. That was hardly the worst part of it. Tezuka, his former lover, was his boss at his company. He was forced to see the man that had chosen the one person who he could not stand. It was painful to be reminded of what had happened every day.

It's not as if you don't do that enough on your own.

It was difficult to become stronger when it felt as though your entire life was still falling around you. The physical wounds from the incident two months ago had healed, but the scars from it were still there. As much as it pained him to admit, the only reason why Ryoma was still in a coma was because he did not wake up. Sometimes he wished that he could join his lover in that state, but he knew that it would not do any good. All it would do was delay the inevitable of having to wake up again and face the harsh reality that everything was wrong. He was broken and empty. There was no one to help fix what was hurting him the most.

His life was pathetic. He hardly interacted with anyone around him. Occasionally he would speak with Sanada and Yukimura to see how things were going. He even found out that Oishi was a part of the hospital staff and had managed to reconnect with him and Kikumaru. Outside of that, he tried to avoid Tezuka and his co-workers. The person that he needed the most was still trying to find the will to live. He would go in every day to talk to Ryoma and try to give him a reason to keep fighting. It never seemed to work and it was tiring. He just wanted to see the face of his lover again.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a key. There had been many days where his body would take him back to his cold apartment. He could never remember how it happened so fast. His mind was usually blank during those times or pondering what he could tell Ryoma tomorrow. There was no much anymore. After all, he lead a life that was nothing but misery. It was dark no matter where he went. There was no future in front of him because he did not have the one thing that he needed and wanted the most.

There was no one to hold him and tell him that everything would be all right. There was no warmth that he could hold on to; it was bitter and cold, a constant reminder of the empty void that could not be filled in his heart. There was no one to fill it for him because he would not allow himself to fall for the same mistakes twice. No, he would not go running back into the light that had deceived him before so willingly. He was not going to be fooled again. He staggered over to the medicine cabinet. His body was weary and ready to give out on him. However, he would not be able to sleep because his mind continued to think. It had gotten so bad that he had to turn to drugs to help ease his mind.

He pulled out a bottle of pills. It was tempting to swallow more of these than what was recommended. However, he had to remind himself that Ryoma still needed him. He had to get better.

You promised yourself that you would try harder. You said that you would not let something like this consume you. Yet here you are again, taking drugs to ease your pain.

A small chuckle escaped from his hoarse throat. How true. He had become quite pathetic. However, he was unsure of how to change.

To be continued…