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Lady Monozuki: Happy new year's everyone! Thank you all for your wonderful reviews. Tissues have now been issued to every reader in case you need them. Enjoy!
Chapter Eleven: Determination
Glass shattered on the ground, flying in various directions. He did not move his feet or even try to avoid being hit. A few shards tore at the flesh, breaking it and causing it to bleed. He had gone to get a glass of water for Oishi, who was visiting him, but could not stop shaking, thus resulting in this minor incident. He looked down and picked the pieces off his feet before stepping away from the mess. There was no doubt that Oishi had heard that. After all, the mother hen of Seigaku Junior High had turned into one for the hospital. Almost immediately upon seeing him, the doctor had noticed that he was skinnier and more tired-looking than usual.
He supposed that his self-abuse was not as concealed as he thought. Which would explain the awkward encounter between him and Tezuka earlier this morning, he had insisted that he was fine; he had lied.
"Syuu-Fuji-san, could please meet with me in my office?" Tezuka asked.
As much as he could not stand Tezuka, he could not go against is boss. He gritted his teeth. He was too tired to be on his guard. In a lame attempt to help himself get better, he had not taken any pills which resulted in a sleepless night. He followed wordlessly behind his former lover. He hoped this would not take long.
The door closed behind them and he waited for Tezuka to start speaking. Instead it seemed that the other was content with staring at him. Under normal circumstances he would have teased the other and then made a biting remark to get his revenge. However, he could barely keep himself awake.
"Syuusuke," Tezuka started.
"It's Fuji," he corrected. His tone was not as biting as he would have liked.
"Are you taking care of yourself? You seem really off."
He would have put on a smile, but he knew that it would not work. They had known each other far too long for it to work. Fuji chuckled. It was a bitter laugh. After all of the years of silent suffering, now was when Tezuka decided to care.
"This is nothing that I can't get over, Tezuka. Is that all you wanted to discuss?"
"How is Ryoma?"
"It's Echizen to you," he snarled. His brief moment of anger quickly melted away when a wave of dizziness washed over him. "He hasn't woken up. Now if you'll excuse me, there is work to be done."
"Fuji, I want you to go home and get some rest. Knowing you, you're at your physical limits."
"I don't need you to baby me, Tezuka. You had your chance."
Without another word, he walked out. Since Tezuka had told him to take the rest of the day off, he left the office and instead went to visit Ryoma. It was there that he ran into Oishi, who was getting off his shift. He asked the mother hen if he would like to come over, hoping that he would find comfort in some company.
Fuji headed toward the kitchen to get something to clean up the mess. Everything around him started to swim. It was not uncommon for him to get dizzy and it was not uncommon for him to suffer from massive headaches. He always took medication though to make these go away. It worked and he would soon fall asleep. He repeated this cycle as often as needed as long as it did not interfere with work and his schedule for visiting Ryoma.
It was also not unusual for him to sleep away most of the days, often causing him to forget about meals and thus skipping them. He did not know what day it was and often showed up to work even when he was not scheduled. If it had not been for the hope that Ryoma would wake up one day, he would have given up a long time ago. Even now, the thought was tempting. He picked up a broom and started sweeping.
"Fuji, are you okay?"
"It's just a couple of scratches, I'll be fine," he said and a quiet voice.
"No, I meant are you fine emotionally."
He put on a strained smile. "Of course," he replied. "There's not much I can do except be support at this time."
He continued to clean the mess before getting another drink for his friend. After that, he decided to take care of his bleeding feet. He could not feel the pain of the scratches and it had not bothered him. He only decided to clean them out because he knew that Oishi would insist and not leave if he didn't. They were neither deep or long, but they bled as though they were both.
His mind went back to the day he found Ryoma lying on the floor, there had been a pool of blood around the limp figure's wrist. He shuddered and tired to clean it up quickly. That day would always haunt him. He went back out to the living room, finding that Oishi was looking through a photo album he had forgotten about. They had agreed that what had happened in the years he fell out of contact with them would not be a topic up for discussion.
Seeing the photo album though, he was reminded once again of all the times they had spent together. Even if they were not all happy, they had enjoyed the times they had gotten along. He sat down next to his friend on the couch, not making any motion to explain the pictures and what had happened when those were taken.
"You look sad in all of these," Oishi commented. He glared at the doctor. He had prided himself on being difficult to read. Every one of those pictures showed him with his mask intact, or so he had thought. He did not try to deny his unhappiness. His friend put away the photo album and looked at Fuji.
"Why did you want me to come visit you? You did not want me to pry about your former relationship or the reason as to why Echizen is in the hospital. However, you invited me over without a good reason. I hardly think that it was for the sake of company because you would have stayed with Echizen until visiting hours were over."
He stared wide-eyed at the doctor. When had Oishi become so observant? He closed his eyes and tired to think of the reason why he had asked the doctor to accompany him home.
"Echizen is in the hospital because he tried to commit suicide," Fuji confessed. There was no point on hiding it much longer. After all, it was good for people to share these things. At least, that is what he had read in those self-help books he had been reading recently.
"When did this happen?"
"About two weeks ago," he replied. "Our relationship with each other had grown really strained over the past few years. Last year, Ryoma went to America to participate in a major tournament."
"I remember watching that match. After that, he disappeared."
"That's because after that match, Ryoma was attacked and raped. He could hardly face us after that and it was difficult for him to move on from it. With our relationship already strained, it only put more burden on us and…"
He stopped there. He knew that if he continued to speak that he would let out the entire story. If he was not already emotionally strained, he could handle it. However, it was just a constant reminder to him that everything had boiled down to his hesitation.
"I see," Oishi said. Fuji noticed that the doctor did not press for more details, which he for which he was grateful. He noticed that his whole body was shaking. Even just talking about it for a few minutes had sent him into this state. He hated it. To him, being affected by this was embarrassing.
"So you're blaming yourself for what happened. Fuji, I don't know everything that happened, but you cannot take all the responsibility. If Echizen saw you like this, I doubt that he would be happy at what you have done."
He had already tried to convince himself of that. However, it hurt more when coming from Oishi. He did not know why.
"I suppose you're right."
"Come on, we'll go out to eat and take a walk around the park. How does that sound?"
He nodded. It didn't sound like a bad idea at all.
--
They had to cut their walk short because Oishi received an urgent message from the hospital. Fuji had gone along as well in order to visit Ryoma one more time. He stared at the figure in front of him. Ryoma looked the same as always, pale, and unmoving. His eyes flickered briefly away from his lover's face and noticed that there were flowers there that he had not seen before. He walked over and picked up the card. It was Sanada and Yukimura.
He was grateful that they had taken the time to stop by. He made a mental note to call Sanada later and talk to him. For now though, he would sit by Ryoma's side until they told him that it was time to leave. He sat in the chair by the bedside and touched the smooth hand of Ryoma.
"Ryoma, I'm back again. Today I decided to invite Oishi over. He looked at the photo album that you made. He pointed out that I looked sad. However, he didn't say anything about you. Were you content even though you knew how this relationship would turn out?" He let out a small chuckle. "Of course, what am I thinking? You were happy just to be by our sides. It did not matter what we did as long as you could be in our presence. I remember you telling me that one time. Why could I not be as happy as you, I wonder.
"Oishi also told me that I should take care of myself more. I know that he is right, but right now, it's so hard to convince myself that I have a reason. You have not woken up and I fear that if you died what will happen to me as well. I've tried to imagine life without you and I can't. I know this sounds really cheesy. However, it is true. I never thought that I could bring myself to love someone as much as you. Yet you have proven me wrong once again. You really do like to defy everything that is against you. You know, the doctors say that you may not wake up at all if you continue to spend your time in a coma. I know it's selfish of me to ask, but fight once again and prove them wrong. Please get through this. I promise that I am waiting for you to come back. I am never going to leave you again."
He did not bother holding back the tears. He missed Ryoma so much and was having a hard time living day to day. He wanted his lover back, one that would fight to get stronger instead of resigning to unconsciousness and staying there.
"Syuu," he heard someone whisper. The voice was hoarse. He looked up and saw golden eyes staring at him. They held a look that he had thought he would never see again, one of determination.
"Ryoma," he whispered. He could hardly believe it. "You're awake."
"Mada mada, Syuu," came the response. "You look sick."
He really could not hide what he had done to himself. "Not anymore," he whispered. "I have to get the doctor. Promise me that you will stay awake."
"I'll be waiting."
Fuji ran off to get the doctor. His mind was racing.
Ryoma is awake!
"Maybe now everything will start to work out once again."
Everything is going to be okay, I promise. I will get better and so will you, Ryoma.
To be continued…