Disclaimer: I do not own Prince of Tennis

Lady Monozuki: Wow, I don't even know what to say. It's been crazy. I've had to put my writing on-hold yet again and it's just been miserable. I really wish everything was consistent, but it's not. I suppose that's what makes life so interesting and challenging. I'd just rather life didn't decide to get screwed up all at once. So, I really apologize for the late chapter. I really appreciate the support and the reviews from the last chapter.

It's still not too late to put in input as to whether you prefer the OT5 to get all back together or just to have Fuji/Ryoma be together. I appreciate everyone who has given me their feedback, thank you!

Chapter Sixteen: Pain

Ryoma stared ahead of him, only vaguely aware of the direction they were heading. He had resigned to let Syuusuke lead him to the apartment, and it had turned out for the better. It gave him time to figure out his thoughts while on the short walk. He knew that there would be a talk. After all, Syuusuke would not let his behavior toward Tezuka go without a reason. He honestly felt as though he did not need to explain his actions nor did he want Fuji to ask any questions about Kunimitsu.

It was just another reminder that the man who had promised to take care of him was not committed to only him. Why had he put himself in this situation in the first place? What was he thinking at the time? What did he hope to get out of it? He had asked himself these questions repeatedly and still could not find an answer.

All you are is scared that you are going to end up with nothing but wounds that will not heal.

He gripped Syuusuke's hand tighter. He really didn't know what was going to happen and it scared him. He did not want to be alone again. He had spent too much time that way and he wanted someone to believe in. Yet, he wasn't sure he Syuusuke could provide him with that. At least that is how he felt with Tezuka present. He needed reassurance and right now, he was insecure and apprehensive about everything.

Had he made a big mistake? He could already envision Syuusuke going back to Kunimitsu. Even after the promises that Fuji had made, he still did not know where he stood. He felt trapped. He had placed his faith in Syuusuke, but there were so many doubts already forming in his mind. He did not know if he could allow himself to open up again.

"Ryoma, we're home," Syuusuke said softly.

He looked up to see the inside of a modest apartment. Tezuka had already vanished, leaving him and Syuusuke in the living room. He took a few steps before pausing to look around. He noted; that several of Fuji's pictures littered the room. What surprised him was that most of them were of them and their memories together. He was a little surprised that the photos were even of him. A small smile adorned his lips. Maybe, he could bring himself to open up again.

----

Fuji watched as Ryoma took in the surroundings of the living room. He saw a small smile before it disappeared again. He felt happy already that Ryoma had shown some other emotion other than hurt or anger. It gave him hope that this could potentially work out. He smiled. This was a moment where all the emotional torment that he had put himself through did not matter. If only he could have more moments like these with Ryoma.

"Are you hungry or thirsty?" he asked.

"No," Ryoma replied.

"Are you tired then? Because I can show you where you're going to sleep," he offered.

"I'm fine."

"Then can we talk?"

He noticed a little hesitancy in Ryoma's nod. He sat down across from Ryoma sat in the living room. He could sense that Ryoma was uncomfortable for some reason. He did not understand why, but brushed it aside.

"I just wanted to make sure that you were okay with Tezuka being here," he started. "I know that you don't like any of us right now. However, I just want to know that it's truly okay with you that he's here."

"How long is he going to stay?" Ryoma asked stiffly.

"Until he can find his own place," he replied. "He came here because he didn't know where else to go."

"Do what you want, it's your place."

"Our place," he corrected once again. "Why are you so opposed to Tezuka staying here?"

"You can't be so blind that you can't see his true motives."

"He's not going to get in the way between us, Ryoma. No one is going to do that."

He frowned. What was Ryoma so worried about? Had he not promised to take care of him? Had he not promised to be there for him no matter the circumstances? Why was that not enough?

This is what you chose. If you cannot be patient with him, then how can you hope to be someone that he can rely on?

He was asking too much of Ryoma again. He was hoping that everything would fall into place. However, it was not ever going to be the case. Why did he constantly set high expectations? He was only setting himself up to be disappointed. Yet, he still believed that Ryoma could overcome everything and exceed his expectations once again.

"You and Kunimitsu believe the same lie," Ryoma whispered.

He stared at Ryoma, not believing the words he had heard.

----

Anger was the only emotion that he could feel right now. He couldn't believe that Fuji was telling him the same lie that Tezuka had tried to feed him. It hurt. He tried to calm himself down, but it was pointless. So far, he felt that his time here had been in vain. Yet, he really did not have anywhere else to go.

"What do you mean that Tezuka and I believe the same lie?" Syuusuke asked.

He could sense that Syuusuke really had no clue what he was talking about. It was confusing. When had Fuji become so blind to others' emotions and could Syuusuke really be able to notice his if needed?

"Never mind, I'm sure you'll find out soon enough."

He stood. He did not want this conversation to continue. Every time they talked, everything only seemed to get worse and he did not want to feel that way, he wanted everything to be better. Of course he knew that it would take time, but how much time was required? He wasn't sure. Healing was not something he was used to doing. His feelings had never mattered before and so he was used to pushing them under the rug.

"Ryoma," Syuusuke whispered. "I think you're reading too much into the situation. Tezuka has nothing to do with us. Everything is about you and will always be about you."

"Why the sudden change of heart? You didn't want to make me your anything until I tried to kill myself! Why did it take my attempt to die to wake you up? Why did you wait so long before you tried to make up for the hurt you have caused? You never truly cared about me until this happened. If you want to help me, you should figure out where it is you stand and stay there. Don't let things distract you from your goal. That is what you used to be like. You never let anything get in your way. So why now?"

He had tried to keep his voice steady, but had failed. He had tried to understand why, now. Why didn't they care before? And why did they care now? It did not make sense and it hurt not to know.

"You know that I have always cared about you."

"Then why did you never show it?"

"Ryoma, you know that we were not in a situation where we could do much without suffering in some way. I wanted to show you that I cared, but I didn't want either of us to get hurt more."

"You never cared about it before. Why were you so afraid of Atobe? I never once let him stop me from caring about you!"

"What about when you spent most of your time in the servant's quarter?" Fuji countered.

Ryoma gritted his teeth. "You made it clear at that point that you wanted nothing to do with me. Even when you visited me, you only did so for a short amount of time and made promises that you broke! If you had still showed that you cared for me, I would have made more of an effort."

----

Fuji stared at his former lover. Everything he said hurt to hear. Yes, he knew there was loathing and distrust. However, he never expected this. He had always thought that his visits and promises would make up for his staying with the others, but he had been wrong.

"Why did you want to kill yourself?" Fuji asked.

"Because everyone I cared about had given up on me. You don't realize how much I sacrificed to stay here with you," Ryoma said quietly.

"Then how much did you sacrifice?"

"You should know, Syuusuke. You should know everything that I have done just to be with you. How could you forget everything so easily?"

He had no response. He tried to remember what Ryoma was talking about, but could not. It was troubling. How come all he could remember were the times when they suffered the most?

"You've been blinded," Ryoma commented. "You really can only think of the things that went wrong, not the sacrifices that were made to make it happen in the first place. Even if our happiness was brief, we still made sacrifices that should never be forgotten, no matter how much we've been hurt."

"Ryoma, why do I feel like I need help more than you?" he asked.

----

Ryoma scoffed. "I have more issues than you know," he whispered quietly.

Fuji stood from his spot and headed over to him. He felt arms wrap themselves around him and hold on tighter than he liked. It reminded him of when they had first started dating. They were so afraid to let go of each other because they did not know what the new day would bring. Even now, they still didn't know, but he knew that they were going to try. He pulled away from the hug.

"I'm tired," he lied.

"Follow me then."

He let Syuusuke lead him into a room. It was small, but not confining. He walked over to the futon and laid down, closing his eyes.

"I'll wake you when dinner's done," Fuji said. With that, he heard the door close. He tried not to cry. Why was it so hard to be in their presence again? He loved them; he knew that. However, it hurt so much just to be in their presence. They had played a part in destroying the person he once was and yet, he was willing to set himself up again.

He tried to push the conversation from earlier out of his mind, but he couldn't help but think that he was trying to justify his actions by their lack of actions. He sighed. Everything had fallen apart so quickly and the damage would take a while to heal, if at all. He wanted to believe that with time, the wounds would heal. However, he knew that they would never fully go away. There was still so much time to live in regret and misery because of what had happened. The only question was if he could make it out.

One part of him wanted to try so hard and yet another had given up on anything when it came to trying again. He wanted the pain to end, but it would not. His heart was continually broken apart and shattered. It was more than he could bear alone, but he did not want anyone to help him. He stood up and searched through the belongings in the room.

He finally came across an empty picture frame. He picked it up and pulled it under the blankets to muffle the sound of breaking glass. He punched it three times before a large enough piece broke off. He took the glass and cut into the flesh on his left arm. It tore easily, covering his skin with blood. If he hurt physically, then maybe…maybe he could ignore his emotional wounds.

He stared at the damage done to his arm and instantly hated himself for hurting his body again. Why did he always hurt himself more? Cutting his arms was his way of making his heart hurt less, but it only made it worse. He buried his face in the pillow and screamed. Why did he always end up this way? Why did nothing ease the pain in his heart?

----

Fuji felt the heaviness of his heart grow when he heard the muffled scream from Ryoma's bedroom. He opened the door slightly and saw Ryoma's figure shaking uncontrollably.

"Ryoma," he called out.

"Go away!"

He took the hint and closed the door. As he turned around, he came face to face with Tezuka. He didn't say anything, they didn't need words. Tezuka was concerned for Ryoma, just like he was. He made motion for them to move to the kitchen. It was silent in the house, except for the muffled cries from the bedroom. Every time he heard one of them, he wanted to go comfort Ryoma, but the other did not want the same. He put on the kettle for tea.

"Sy-Fuji, what are you going to do about Ryoma?" Tezuka asked in a quiet voice.

"As much as I don't want to admit this, but he's going to need more help than I can give him. I've already done some research into therapists, but I'm afraid that might not be enough for him."

"You were talking with him earlier," Tezuka began. He could hear the hesitancy to bring up something. "I think you approached him the wrong way."

He frowned. "What do you mean?"

"It sounded more of justifications for your actions rather than trying to fix the problem. I know you don't want to hear that from me, but Ryoma's hurting more than any of us right now. Even though we've all suffered, he's the one who had more to deal with. After all, we are the ones who exiled him when we returned from America. We did not stop Atobe. We went along with his will."

Fuji remained silent. It was a harsh reality to accept, but it was true. He had just gone along with everything instead of trying to stop it. Yes, he visited Ryoma, but that was not a justification for his actions. It didn't even come close. In addition, he did not have to go through what Ryoma did. There was no excuse for what they did.

"He told me that I needed to figure out what side I was on. How can I make him understand that I am on his?"

"By doing everything you can for him, despite what others want you to do. You remember how we used to aim to become number one in tennis, right? You need to make him number one in your life."

The kettle whistled in the background and he busied himself by making tea. Every time he had talks these days, they seemed only to make him realize how horrible of a lover he was. He had believed that everything could eventually be fixed, but now…now he wasn't so sure.

----

Gen hesitated to knock on the door. He turned to look at Yukimura, who nodded. He finally gave in and rapped three times on the piece of wood. For some reason, he felt inclined to go visit Fuji and see how he was. After all, they hadn't talked much and he was concerned for the other's health. Their abrupt phone call the other day had piqued his interest. Yukimura had finally talked him into visiting. There was silence before the door opened to reveal Tezuka.

"Gen," Tezuka said roughly. He was taken aback at the harsh tone, but didn't let that faze him.

"What are you doing here?" Gen asked. He wanted to smack himself for asking such a stupid question. Just because they were separated did not mean that they were forbidden from talking to each other. However, he was surprised to see Tezuka there considering the other had chosen to stay with Atobe.

"Atobe and I are no longer together. Why are you here?"

"I came to see Syuusuke," he replied. "Yukimura and I wanted to check up on him."

The door slowly opened to let them inside. Honestly, he thought that Tezuka was going to refuse them. He heard the sounds of someone in the kitchen and stifled sobs from somewhere in the apartment. He didn't say anything though. He tossed a glance at Yukimura and knew that he had heard the quiet crying as well. Fuji came out of the kitchen. He frowned when he saw how awful Syuusuke looked. Even though there was relief on the features, there was also worry.

"Gen, Yukimura," Fuji said. "How is everything on your end?"

"We're fine. We wanted to check up on you and see how everything was going," he replied.

"I'm managing."

"Are you getting enough rest?" Yukimura asked. "You look exhausted. Maybe we should leave."

Fuji held up a hand to stop Yukimura from continuing. "You guys are fine. I've had a rough day so I'm more drained than usual. I'll prepare us some tea."

Gen sighed. This was going to be nothing short of awkward. It was in this moment that he was grateful that Yukimura had insisted he come along.

"So Tezuka, how are you these days? How is work for you going?" Yukimura asked.

"I'm doing fine and work is fine. We've actually picked up a lot of business lately so we're going to make up for what we loss in the previous two quarters."

"Good to hear," Yukimura said. "So, how long have you been living with Fuji?"

"A couple of days," Tezuka replied.

So that means the break-up happened recently. I wonder what made Atobe do that. I'll figure it out eventually.

Gen heard a whimpers coming from one of the back rooms. He frowned. Something was going on that the others had failed to mention.

"Tezuka, where's the restroom?"

"Down the hall, on your left," was the only reply.

Gen went down the hall, aware that there were three sets of eyes following him. He tried to discern where the cries were coming from. To his surprise, they were coming from the bathroom. He stepped inside and saw Ryoma holding a razor blade to his right arm and slicing repeatedly. Ryoma paused briefly and let out a stiffled sob. He could see that his former lover wasn't crying from the wounds, but from the pain inside.

"Ryoma," he whispered. The golden-eyed man turned to see him.

"Gen," the other said in shock.

----

Ryoma stared at the usually stoic man before him. Concern laced the face of Sanada. He could feel the eyes staring at the fresh wounds on his arm. However, they never lingered. He expected to be reprimanded, but it never came. Instead, strong arms pulled him in for a hug. One hand made its way down to the blade in his hand, trying to take it away from him. He held on tighter. He did not want to let go.

"Why, Ryoma? Why are you hurting yourself again?" Gen whispered.

"I just want to the hurt to go away, Gen. This is the only way I know how to ease the pain of my heart."

To be continued…