Disclaimer: I do not own Prince of Tennis.
Lady Monozuki: Thank you very much to everyone who reviewed/read the last chapter! I appreciate it so much. I hope you enjoy this chapter just as much.
Chapter dedicated to: Yuujirou
Chapter Seventeen: Promises
Ryoma's mind temporarily went blank as he breathed in the familiar scent of his former lover. How many nights had yearned to be in the arms of his lovers one more time? Yet so many times, they had denied him that pleasure. Worse still was that he couldn't separate the memories. The warmth that had been missing in his life was present again, even if only for a brief moment. It was not here to stay; he knew that. He buried his head in Gen's shoulder. It didn't matter if this only lasted for a few seconds, he would take any amount of time just to feel complete once again.
"Ryoma," Gen whispered.
"Please don't," he said quickly. He wanted nothing to ruin this moment. "Please let me stay like this for a while."
He felt Gen shift slightly and remove the blade from his hand. This time, he did not protest and willingly let it go. For the first time in several years, everything felt right. There was peace within him for the first time in over a year. He felt safe once again. Fingers ran through his hair, bringing back so many memories. Ryoma sighed. No matter how much he wanted this to be permanent; he had still had to face the reality of their situation. Ryoma pulled away from Gen's warm embrace. He stared at the taller man, noting how much thinner the other looked.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. He knew that this was mostly because of him. Ryoma touched Gen's arm gently. "Is this because of me?"
"Not just you," Gen replied. "Don't worry about me and my health. I just want you to concentrate on getting better."
"There's no saving me."
"You know that is not true. I still believe that you can make it through this."
"Stop talking to me like you know everything that I've gone through!"Ryoma said. He hesitated slightly before speaking his next sentence though.
"Ryoma," Gen started.
"You think that there is hope for me, there isn't. I am tired of this life. I want to die."
"We haven't given up on you. Why won't you give us another chance?"
"I can't. I don't want to suffer anymore than I already have."
"Why are you giving Syuusuke another chance and not me?"
"I'm not giving him another chance," Ryoma replied. He covered his left wrist. "I'm done with giving people second chances."
"Then why did you hold on to me so tightly earlier? Why didn't you kill yourself the moment that you woke up? Why did you let Syuusuke bring you home? You could have left Japan, left all of us, and yet you're still here. Why are you still here if you don't want us in your life?"
Ryoma tried to keep himself from shaking. He wanted to know the answer to those questions himself. Why couldn't he let go of them? Nothing was there to hold him back now.
"You should leave," he muttered. "The others will start to get concerned."
"What about your arm?" Gen asked.
"I'll take care of it," he replied.
He watched Gen hesitate. He knew that this was not what the other wanted to hear. While he wanted to give an answer, he couldn't. Gen grabbed his arm and started to bandage his arm. He didn't pull away because he secretly wanted this. Why couldn't he just know what he wanted? He thought that he had made his decision.
"Why are you still here?" he asked. "Why are you trying so hard to get back into our lives?"
"Because I need you guys in my life," Gen replied. "Despite everything that has happened, I know that I can bury the past and move on. I want everyone else to be with me in the end."
"What will you do if we don't take you back?"
"I wish that I could give you an answer, but I can't. I believe that in the end, we will be together in the end," Gen said.
"I wish I could believe the same thing," he mumbled. After a few minutes, Gen finished bandaging his arm.
"Do you need help cleaning the bathroom?"
"No," he said. "You can go ahead and leave." Gen headed for the door. "Gen, please don't tell anyone."
Yukimura observed the interaction between Tezuka and Syuusuke. He was concerned. It was painfully obvious that Tezuka wanted to get back together with Fuji. However, Fuji seemed oblivious to that fact. He wondered if it was just true ignorance or if Fuji was purposely ignoring the signs. He had known them for years and Syuusuke was usually the one who controlled the situations. Had things really changed that much between them? Where had the real Fuji Syuusuke gone?
He took a sip of his tea. He had known things went sour between them, but didn't know the full situation. Now, he truly wanted to know what had transpired. Even in the time that both Gen and Syuusuke had lived with him, he had never heard them talk about what happened that day. Yukimura desperately wanted to ask questions to see if he could gain answers to what he didn't know. However, he could tell that it would be a bad idea.
Tezuka returned to the living room to talk with him. He didn't say anything at first to let the other start the conversation, curious to know what was going to be brought up. He sipped on his tea calmly and watched several emotions play on the usually stoic person's face.
"Why did you come, Yukimura?" Tezuka asked in a cold voice. One thing that he was not expecting was the hostility from his former rival.
"I merely came to support Gen," he replied.
"I find it hard to believe that's everything you came here for."
"I understand your concern about my motives, but Gen wouldn't have come to visit if I hadn't gone with him. Now, why are you acting so cold toward me? I did nothing to you except visit. Hardly a reason to treat me so rudely," Yukimura replied.
"All I want is for you to not meddle with the situation. This doesn't concern you."
Yukimura knew what Tezuka really meant, but didn't dare to let show. He smirked. He noticed that Tezuka was uneasy.
"I will stay out of your affairs," he said. "However, if it hurts Gen again, I will get involved. You guys don't understand how much he is hurting. Even people as strong as him can be broken."
"I know," Tezuka replied. Yukimura wondered if the other had meant to put so much emotion in his voice, but made no comment. "You don't know how much I can relate."
Something had gone very wrong in that relationship. All of their personalities had changed a little bit. He had never expected them to be so different in personality.
Gen had hoped Ryoma wouldn't ask him to keep that a secret. However, now that the question was out there, he had to answer. He knew that he wouldn't be able to go against the request of his former lover. Mentally, he cursed himself for not being able to say no. The situation was all too familiar. How many times had he regretted making such a promise? He nodded before leaving the bathroom. Regret filled his heart, but he knew that it was not his place to tell everyone about Ryoma. All it would do was destroy the trust that his former lover had placed in him. Right now, he wanted more than anything to be trusted.
Even if it killed him, he would keep the secret. Gen entered the living room and could instantly tell that something was wrong. He looked over at Yukimura, who looked contemplative and Tezuka was unmoving, but emitting a dangerous aura.
"Ah Gen, how nice of you to join us again," Yukimura said cheerily. He could tell that Yukimura was faking his smile. He had to wonder what had gone on while he was gone. He shuddered.
"Sorry, for taking my time."
He took his seat next to Yukimura and noticed that Tezuka was staring at him intensely. It was rather disturbing. However, he wasn't going to let that get to him. From what he had seen, everyone was barely holding on. Even though he was hardly better himself, he was more concerned about their state. Their relationship may have ended, but that did not mean that they couldn't be concerned about each other no matter what transpired since then. Gen reached for the cup of tea on the table in front of him and took a sip.
"Sanada," Tezuka spoke after a lengthy pause. He looked at the man that had broken his heart. It was harder to confront each other, even though they hadn't spoken or seen each other in months. Their feelings hadn't been resolved and all he could think about was the heartbreak of knowing that this was the man who was willing to stand by Atobe. Even if he still cared deeply for all his former lovers, he couldn't imagine standing by the whole single-handedly ruined their relationship.
Gen obviously wanted things to get better before he even thought about getting back together with Atobe. He wouldn't stand for the abuse any longer. Even if it had taken him years to come to this point, he wasn't going back. All of them deserved better.
"Sanada," Tezuka repeated.
"Yes?" he asked.
"I would like to speak to you, in private if that is all right."
"Fine," he agreed. He caught the questioning glare that Yukimura sent him, but ignored it. He could handle himself. He didn't need Yukimura to be with him all of the time. This was his problem and he was going to take care of it.
Tezuka led him outside of the apartment, which he found odd. Obviously, Tezuka didn't want Syuusuke or Ryoma to know what was going on, which raised red flags in his mind. What if this was another plot to hurt him again? Sanada felt sick for thinking that. Why was that his first reaction now? He wanted them all to fix their relationship, but here he was, questioning everything that the others were trying to do. Perhaps he was guarding himself too much.
"What do you want to talk to me about, Tezuka?" he asked coolly.
"Atobe called me," Tezuka started. "He wants for us to meet him this weekend at his mansion. He's sorry about what he did to all of us and wants to try and work something out between us."
"Has he figured out why we won't forgive him?" Sanada asked.
"He didn't make mention of it. You can't hold that against him though. He is a busy man. He's got more on his mind most of us."
"I don't care, Tezuka! I don't care if he's running the company. That doesn't give him the right to treat us that way or lie to us."
"Why can't you just tell him what the problem is, Gen?" Tezuka asked.
"Because he needs to figure it out for himself," he replied. "If I tell him, it won't mean the same thing. It has to come from his own realizations."
"Are you refusing to meet with him, then?"
"Until I'm convinced he's figured it out, yes. I don't want to go through another pointless discussion. If we do that, then we'll only be left with more bitter feelings and I'm still trying not to be angry about our last meeting."
Gen didn't say anything else to Tezuka. He walked about inside and motioned to Yukimura that he wanted to leave. He had found out all that he needed.
Syuusuke exchanged farewells with Gen and Yukimura. He wondered why they decided to leave now. They hadn't stayed long and Gen seemed to be angry for some reason. He couldn't figure out what had happened, but he knew where to start finding information.
"What did you say to them, Tezuka?" he asked as soon as they had closed the door.
"Nothing," Tezuka replied.
Syuusuke glared at him. "Don't lie to me."
"All I did was extend an invitation to meet at Atobe's this weekend so we can further discuss what happened," Tezuka said.
He frowned. He hadn't heard any news about this. Why would Atobe want to meet with them in the first place? It was made clear that the other wanted very little to do with them. After all, Tezuka was here, and not living with Keigo.
"When were you going to tell me about this invitation?"
"At dinner so we could talk it over with Ryoma as well."
"Fine, we'll discuss it at dinner."
"Discuss what?" Ryoma asked in a cold tone.
He flinched at the cold voice. Syuusuke turned to look at Ryoma, who seemed paler than before. He vaguely wondered how much of the time in the room was spent sleeping.
"Ryoma, are you all right?"
"I'll be fine, Fuji. Don't worry about me. Are you going to answer my question or keep me in the dark?"
He shifted slightly.
Ryoma tried to keep his anger in check. He had overheard the last portion of the conversation where Tezuka had said "we'll discuss it over dinner", and then listened to Syuusuke's response. He was angry that Syuusuke had done nothing to correct Tezuka in saying "we". It just showed how much they were trying to cover up their true feelings. Not that he didn't already know, it hurt. Fuji didn't really care about him. It was all a lie just to get him to warm up once again. He wasn't going to let them back into his heart.
"We were going to discuss the invitation to meet with Atobe with us," Tezuka answered.
He tossed a harsh glare in the direction of Syuusuke, who flinched, before turning his attention toward Tezuka. Every word that the other said hurt more and more since Syuusuke couldn't tell him directly. Since when did Syuusuke have to rely on Tezuka to speak?
"Why does he want to meet?"
"To take care of the unresolved, there is a lot that we still haven't covered and haven't fixed," Tezuka answered.
"What are you talking about?"
"You mean Syuusuke didn't tell you about the conversation we had after...after you entered the hospital?"
"What time did he have to tell me?" Ryoma snapped. "I've only been awake for a couple of days. He mentioned that you all broke up, but certainly not of that conversation."
"Ryoma, calm down. All we're trying to do is put this aside and move on. We can't do that when we're all bitter toward each other," Syuusuke said. "We're going to have to try and fix everything between us to the point where we can at least be civil toward each other."
"After all these years, now is the time you choose to fix it?" Ryoma snapped. "Why did everything have to come about because I tried to kill myself? Why couldn't you have cared enough about us before that point?"
He tried to keep himself from shaking. Why did it have to come to this point before they realized they were wrong? Why was he the one who had to endure exile and depression before they even attempted to fix their problems? It wasn't fair, not to him. How long did he have to suffer before he could find happiness? Why did everything happen to him? Would things have been different if he hadn't gone to America? If he hadn't tried to kill himself? Would it have made any difference?
"Ryoma," Syuusuke whispered. "I'm sorry. I should've done more for you."
"It doesn't matter anymore," he said quietly. "You made your choice then."
"I've also made my choice now," Syuusuke said.
"Have you?" Ryoma questioned.
"Stop questioning my motives!" Syuusuke replied. "If you can't believe me, then why are you here? Why did you agree to stay with me?"
He stared at Syuusuke in shock. He had expected Fuji to get so angry over his simple question. He could feel Syuusuke waiting for the answers. What was he supposed to say? Was he supposed to lie about his feelings? His doubts and insecurities?
I want to believe you. I just can't. I don't want to get hurt again.
"You don't understand," he replied.
"Neither do you," Syuusuke retorted.
He stood up from his spot and walked away. He didn't need to hear that right now. He knew that he was being selfish in trying to make this about him. However, when was it going to be about what him otherwise? Ryoma headed back toward the bedroom and closed the door. When would this come to an end?
Syuusuke sighed. This was not how he had expected things to turn out. He had wanted to be the supportive one to help Ryoma through this. However, every time Ryoma tried to express his thoughts, it ended like this. Why couldn't he just listen instead of feeling the need to defend himself against every word? He knew why; because it hurt. Every time Ryoma doubted him, it broke his heart. He could understand why Ryoma felt that way. They were the ones who made promises and then broke them. They were the ones who had left him, when he needed them most. So why was it so hard to accept the truth?
Because you let other things get in your way. You promised Ryoma that you would protect him, get him out of that place, and start a new life together. Everything happened too late for him to forgive you. You let yourself be controlled by everyone else.
It was unlike him to give up. Everyone who knew him, knew him as the one who used others and didn't let anyone control him. Now, he resembled nothing of his former self. Everything had changed. He knew that he wasn't expected to stay the same forever, but he was too passive. If he had never let Atobe get in his way, everything would have been different. It was his fault that everything escalated to this point. Now, he had to do something to fix it.
"Stop blaming yourself for everything that happened, Syuusuke."
"You can't tell me that when you're having a hard enough time letting you, Tezuka."
"Atobe wants to hear from us as soon as possible."
"What did Gen say when you asked him?"
"He said he would think about it," Tezuka replied.
"I'll go talk to Ryoma."
Tezuka watched as Syuusuke walked out of the room. He hoped that they would forgive him for lying about Gen coming. He knew that they wouldn't consider the option, unless all of them were present. He would come up with an excuse later as to why Gen couldn't come. Right now, he just wanted to get them to the mansion so he could put his plan into effect.
He just hoped they wouldn't suspect anything until then.
To be continued…