Disclaimer: I do not own Prince of Tennis.

Lady Monozuki: So a few days ago, I came to the conclusion that this story has grown so much from the original plot. There are far too many elements that need to be addressed and the title won't fit after a certain point. So I've decided that I will break the story off into three pieces. The first piece, this one, will conclude in a few chapters. The next section will start shortly after. The second arc will have Syuusuke and Ryoma get back together. However, if you're a Thrill lover, then you will not want to read the last arc. The last arc will put the OT5 back together. So once again, if you're content with Thrill getting back together, please stop reading after the second arc.

Some reviewers have expressed concern about the rape/abuse factor. This fic will never, ever glorify rape or abuse. Each of these are serious issues and will never mean little or nothing. It affects people's lives and changes them. Not only does the person who experiences it change, but the people around them too. Everything takes time to heal. Ryoma or any other character in this fic who experience such things will not forgive people easily (if at all). There are so many obstacles that need to be overcome first. I hope this puts to rest any concerns. If you have concerns or questions, please leave them in a review or PM me.

Please read and enjoy this chapter! Thank you everyone!

Chapter Eighteen: Perspectives

Rain pounded against the window that had once been his only light source. The moon, now veiled by the thundering clouds, had provided the only comfort he had on this night. All he could think about was the torrent weather and how it reflected his life. The droplets of water that furiously crashed against the earth was like him trying to keep his life together. There was no chance that anything exposed to the rain could be dry and so it was his futile struggle as well. Nothing he ever did to help himself lasted for long. The only difference between him and the weather was that the storm outside would eventually pass, while he was stuck trying to survive just one more day.

It seemed unfair that he should have to struggle so much and gain so little. Yet, that's all the reward he ever expected to gain. Why was he so foolish to hope in something that had obviously given him little more than false dreams? Was this to be his entire life? While he could handle the pain, it was too much for even him to endure when it all was for naught. There was no point to his continuous struggling. There was no reason for him to fight. Yet, here he was. It would take one stroke of a blade to cut into his flesh and mark himself for death. One simple cut was all he needed, but it was the one that he could not make.

No matter how many times he tried, he could not bring himself to do so. He knew it would be the perfect revenge on his part. They would have all believed that he was giving them another chance, but only to snatch that away with the destruction of his own life. The one question that continued to ring in his mind was one that he had tried to answer and failed.

Why can you not cut yourself now when you did so a few weeks ago? It had been easy then to let the blade sink into your arm, but now it is not. Nothing has changed. You are still hurting; you still have the same wish as before. You still have no reason to hope that your life will get better.

It tormented him that he could no longer hold his resolve. Everything that had happened earlier had thrown him into an emotional mess. He toyed with the blade in his hand and thought about marring his pale skin again. He could create a set of wounds to match the ones on his other arm. Tonight, however, he did not want to. Even though he was distraught, he did not want to cause himself any more pain. Everyone else had already wounded him more than he could ever do with a blade. He curled up in the blankets and closed his eyes. Just for tonight, he would not harm his body. Just for tonight, he would let himself pretend that everything was starting to turn around and his life would turn for the better.

It did not matter if the opposite was true. This was the one night that he was going to let himself believe in something just so he could feel like it wasn't the end.

Fuji had watched as Ryoma fiddled with a blade. It took him several minutes to debate whether or not he would stop his former lover from inducing self-harm. When he saw Ryoma put down the blade and burying himself in the covers, he breathed a sigh of relief. While he knew that this was nothing to be excited over, it was a small gleam of hope.

You saw him and did nothing to stop him, again.

Still, it was hard to that in spite of everything that had happened and despite his hospitalization; it was not enough to stop Echizen from hurting himself. It was obvious that not everything was going to get better without the help of someone who knew how to handle the situation.

However, he did not want to bring Ryoma to a therapist right away. There were still so many things that needed to be addressed first. For instance, they needed to sort out this business with Atobe so they could move on. In addition, there was the small matter of everyone's concern about him and Tezuka. Honestly, he did not understand why they were all worried, especially since he and Tezuka understood that there was no chance of them getting back together. So why did Ryoma seem so angry at him for merely interacting with Tezuka? It did not seem like his character.

He closed the door to Ryoma's room without making a sound and walked away. Tomorrow, he'd have to talk to Ryoma about his cutting. It was hard enough to know that there was little he could do and witnessing the blade in his hands hurt even more. Syuusuke walked back into the living room. He sat on the couch and tried to think of everything that needed to be done. Emotionally, he could not prepare for anything. He was vulnerable, weak, and tired. The past couple of days had sapped him of anything that he had left.

He was not in a position where he could be of help to anyone, let alone to himself. He needed to regain some of that strength so that he could lend it to others when they needed it. Soft footsteps came from behind him and he turned around to see Tezuka staring at him.

"You seem burdened with your thoughts," Tezuka stated casually.

"I am," he replied. He had no intention of entering into a conversation about what was on his mind.

"Do you need someone to talk to?"

"No, you have enough problems of your own to handle. Besides, I made this my problem the day I made him my priority. You abandoned him so he no longer concerns you."

"If he no longer concerned me, then why am I still here?" Tezuka asked. "He could have told me to leave, but he didn't. Moreover, there is still a lot that we need to sort out still. I am not going to walk out of his life, or your life, unless you tell me that you don't want anything to do with me."

He didn't say anything. This was exactly why he did not want to engage in a conversation, yet that is exactly what he had done. He sighed. The emotional drain of the past couple of days had caught up to him and he really needed time to rest and think everything through.

"Did you talk to Ryoma?" Tezuka asked quietly.

"No. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him about the issue right now. I don't want to force him into something when he's in this state. I still think it's too soon," he answered. Another sigh followed that statement.

"That's for him to decide, isn't it?"

"Of course, he's allowed to do what he wants. However, I just don't think it will be good for him when he's in an emotionally distraught state."

"What about you, Syuusuke? Aren't you also in a strained state?"

"I don't matter. Right now, I just want to give him the help that he needs."

He honestly believed that everything he was going through was nothing in comparison to what Ryoma was feeling at the time. His feelings were irrelevant at this time. Yes, he was emotionally strained right now. However, that wasn't something that would hinder him.

"Just don't forget to take care of yourself. You're just as important as him."

"I promised to take care of him. If I can't do that, then I have failed him again. I can't fail him, not when he has suffered so much. I don't want to see him in so much pain."

"No one wants to see him in that much pain, but it's not something that you can handle alone. You've never had do this alone. I know you may not want my help, but I'm always here for you if you need me."

"I appreciate the offer Tezuka, but this is my problem," Syuusuke replied. "I will figure everything out by myself. I know that it's a lot for me to burden, but I can handle it. Now, please leave me alone."

He heard Tezuka leave the room. Syuusuke laid down on the couch and closed his eyes. Everything he had imagined was rapidly vanishing. How did everything get out of control?

Tezuka knocked on Ryoma's door. He was careful not to alert Syuusuke with what he was about to do. He didn't want anyone to interfere. Nothing was going to get in his way, even if he had to hurt the others around him. He heard movement on the other side. He waited patiently. The door cracked open and he came face to face with Ryoma.

"What do you want, Tezuka?" Ryoma asked in an irritated voice.

"May I come in? I want to speak to you."

Ryoma sighed before opening the door and letting him in. He stepped inside and looked around. The room looked as though it was barely inhabited, even though there was someone occupying it. Tezuka waited until the door closed behind him before speaking.

"I'd like to know how you stand on visiting Atobe," Tezuka said. He turned to face the younger man. A flash of anger showed on Ryoma's face before emptiness.

"I have no idea. Why? Are you going to try and convince me to go?"

"You don't understand. I need this to happen so I can just connect with people one more time. Everything fell apart so quickly and I need it all to be settled. I know I'm asking a lot from you. I know that it's selfish. However, you're the only one Syuusuke will listen to and can keep him in control. Besides, I think you need an explanation for everything we've done. We hurt you and abandoned you. You need to know why we did so."

"So that's all you want me there for? Do you even care about what I think or why I even chose to cut myself? Do you even know how long I've been hurting myself? Or is this still only about you trying to win Syuusuke back?" Ryoma asked.

"Getting together is not just about me. It will help all of us to heal and move on. Telling your side of the story will also help. It will help us realize the mistakes we made. You never said a word to us about how much you were hurting or even about the problems that were obviously consuming you."

"Should I have to? Should I always have to be the one to tell you when I'm suffering or should you just know? Did you even know me well enough to see the pain I went through? Or did you ignore it like Syuusuke?"

He remained silent. He knew that Ryoma was angry about everything that had happened, but he had not expected this kind of reaction. It was hard to figure out what to do from here. His idea of how the conversation would go did not align what was happening now. The idea of making a simple request and expecting the positive response had long-since left his mind. What was he supposed to do in this situation? He couldn't answer the questions very well. There had been so many thoughts running through his mind back then, that he didn't even know if he bothered to take a second glance at Ryoma.

"Even if I did go," Ryoma continued. The voice was a little softer than before. "Would I even be heard? Would you be willing to listen to what I have to say? It didn't matter what I wanted back then, so why does it matter now?"

"Because, we made a mistake then," he replied softly. "It took a lot for us to finally realize that we were fighting a lost battle. We don't want you to hate us. We don't want you to hold back on us either. We realize we were wrong. I just want you to give us a chance to prove that we're not the same. You'll never know unless you give us another chance."

"I don't want to get hurt again," Ryoma said.

"None of us do, but we'll still be hurting if we never confront each other and try to make things better between us."

"I'll think about it."

To be continued…