36) The Birthday That Almost Was

There are things in life that make you remember you have muscles that get little use. Things such as:

Bull and bronc riding.

Triathlon competition.

Climbing Mount Everest.

Crazy people volunteers for speed of sound experiments.

Being tossed about a rolling car that was doing fifty-five miles an hour.

"It wasn't a bad birthday," Henry commented.

He, Hodges, Nick, and Greg stared at The Wall. While the other three weren't seriously injured, they all had muscles remind them how neglected they were. After dealing with the case they'd literally stumbled into, they hadn't made it much further than The Wall. They'd agreed it was a 'pineapple day' on the squad-car ride back. The officer looked at them like they all needed their heads checked, but they just ignored him. So with the case closed, and after getting Henry back on his crutches, the three bruised men slowly made their way to the basement and took up every piece of padded furniture in the room. Out of kindness or guilt, something to be argued about later, the three gave up the couch to Henry.

"I've had better," Hodges said.

"It wasn't your birthday," Greg reminded him.

"Could'a passed on the Hep B part though," Henry added.

"You never ate anything there," Greg pointed out.

"Man, did I roll that car or what?" Nick asked.

"Oh, God, send someone to shoot me now!" Greg cried to the ceiling. "You do not get a merit badge for best rolling my car!"

"Kinda feel sorry for the raccoon though. He was just being a raccoon," Henry commented.

Greg screamed into a pillow. It gave the other three a good chuckle. Until their muscles reminded them they had just been in a car accident, walked a mile, found two dead guys and a raccoon, and sleep was still a drive away for all of them.

"Shirley was kind of h—"

Greg cut Henry off before he had to scream into the pillow again. "I thought I was the only one with mad ninja skills, Nick." He pointed at The Wall.

577. You have not solved any crime with your mad ninja skills. (Submitted by DustBunnyQueen)

"Nope. I got some too. And let me tell ya, Catherine's gotta great sense of humor until you tell her you solved a crime with them. Then it kinda goes the way of the condor."

"I hear ya," Henry agreed.

"You should. You and your incessant mistletoe," Hodges snarled at him.

578. I will not hang mistletoe between two labs in hopes of convincing two co-workers to hook up.

"I think it's kinda cute," Greg said.

"You would."

"I do. After all, between that and your toaster incident…"

579. The "Toaster Incident" is never to be mentioned in the hallowed lab halls ever again. (Submitted by Augusta)

"It was an accident."

"You blew out all the circuits with that experiment," Nick told him. "Which, if I weren't your supervisor and all, would have found quite amusing."

"You did find it amusing," Henry said. "You couldn't quit laughing."

Nick started laughing at the memory. "Yeah. It was great, wasn't it?"

"You wrote me up for it. How is that great?" Hodges asked.

"And then I tore it up. What's your deal, man?"

"You rolled me in a car, forced me to walk a mile and ten more, and I had to deal with crazy people."

"They weren't crazy people, Hodges. They were just backwoods. Those are crazy people."

580. A suspect may be crazy if the following appears in their written statement in part, or as the entire statement: lots of random and strangely placed commas, notions I or others are reading their thoughts, multiple mentions about how you or they are playing a game, promises to tell you where nefarious 'creatures' are hiding, how they thought about the same thing four or five times by writing about it six or seven times, or detailed accounts about the recent activities of their ray-gun building neighbors.

"Okay. That does win."

"That's Ray's handwriting." Henry pointed at the next one. "He gloats?"

"Oh man does that man gloat," Nick answered, slowly nodding. "It doesn't happen often. Kinda like seeing a blue moon or sun-dog. But when he gloats, he gloats gooooood."

581. I will not gloat about a co-worker's unsuccessful deed.

"What was he gloating about?"

"I blew up the DNA," Nick answered nonchalantly.

"How does one blow up DNA?"

"You take a beaker, you put your sample in it. Then you turn around and spill something into it by tapping your elbow against it. Something in an unlabelled bottle. Then—"

"So that's why we got nasty-grams in our boxes about labeling bottles?" Henry asked.

"Yes. Then you get called away, not realizing the liquid is in there. You come back with your subordinate who's old enough to be your dad…"

The others started laughing.

Nick didn't crack a smile, just continued on. "You think you put the right stuff in. So you get it all ready, all nice and pretty, put it into the machine, and the minute the first cycle nukes it with a laser, there's a pop. Not a real noisy pop, mind ya. Just one of those, really unsatisfying pops."

They started laughing harder.

Nick was still straight faced as he continued. "And then smoke. Not a lot of smoke. Not a call the fire brigade lot. Not a set off the fire alarm lot. But enough that you know something ain't right in Kansas anymore."

Their muscles were trying to remind them they really shouldn't be laughing this hard.

"So you pull it out. You're sure you've just destroyed a multi-thousand dollar piece of equipment and you're going to be living on potato chips and Cup-of-noodles for the next ten years. Inside your little tube there is the DNA specimen. It doesn't look harmed. Not even black. You look at your old-enough-to-be-your-dad subordinate. He is not impressed. He's wearing the patented 'Son, I am not impressed' look. I'm sure you know the one."

"Stop. For the love of God, stop!" Hodges begged through his laughter.

"Then your old-enough-to-be-your-dad subordinate says something like, 'Perhaps we should check it under a microscope before we do anything else.' So you pull out the sample, stick it under a scope, and throw it up on the screen. You get to see your specimen, nice, pristine, ready to tell you who it belongs to, for five whole seconds before there's another pop, then smoke from under the scope, as you have just managed to blow up your DNA. Then your old-enough-to-be-your-dad subordinate looks at you, and says," Nick changed his voice to mimic Langston's. "I've worked here for eight months and have managed not to destroy evidence so efficiently. Should I have taken notes for this unorthodox forensic method? Perhaps you can explain how this will help us solve the case… Nick." Nick returned to his own voice.

"And you might have gotten mad, even considered punching him, except he's got that 'Son, you in a lot of trouble' look down pat. The one your own dad uses on you. Like the one time you came home late, late at night, when you were grounded, and his new Ranger is beat all to hell. Why? Because you and Sammy Parker – who wasn't supposed to be there in the first place – decided tonight was the night to try cow tipping. And little did you know, that it's a really, really, really shoddy idea to go tipping the Brahma bull. They get cranky. Real cranky. Cattle crossings mean nothing to them. They just jump 'em and keep on running. And your dad's nice new Ranger that he was so proud of, well, it kept you alive. You'd probably best leave it at that. Yeah. That's the look your old-enough-to-be-your-dad subordinate is wearing."

The three were laughing so hard they were crying. Nick just smiled, pleased with his story.

"Wow. When you do a number, you really do a number, don't you, Nick?" Henry asked.

"At least I don't tell people Costa Rica, being a so-called sovereign state of the United States, is where we send people to be eaten if they don't cooperate. Huh, Greg?"

582. Costa Rica does not have cannibals and I should not threaten someone that's where we'll send them if they do not cooperate.

"Costa Rica is in no way associated with the United States, Greg," Hodges told him that.

"I know that, you know that, but the suspect didn't know that."

"Same suspect who may or may not be suing us for intimidation?" Nick asked.

"That's her. She makes rocks look real smart."

"Like our shadow rookie this week?"

583. Move far away from the rookie that responds with, "What duck?" when someone yells "Duck!"

"I'm surprised he even made it to graduation, or can even tie his shoe laces."

Nick chuckled. "Thursday he'd done something stupid and Catherine looks at me, says, 'If we fired all the stupid ones, we'd have no one to walk grids and collect evidence. Just remind yourself of that when they get on your nerves, Nick.' And walked off."

The four laughed.

"She, nor Ecklie, seemed all too impressed with my Halloween gag this year," Hodges commented.

584. I will not greet my supervisor hunched over saying "Yeth mathter" in the style of Igor especially when the media, public, or member of city government is on the premises. (Submitted by VessaMorana)

"Could it have something to do with doing it in front of the mayor and two journalists?" Henry asked.

Hodges pretended to think about it. "Naw! There must've been something else. Besides, I'm not the one doing mime impressions in front of the station. You and Wendy got me beat there."

585. I should not imitate a mime when the press annoys me with stupid questions.

"Wendy did that too? Where was I?" Nick asked.

"Apparently not running to the front of the station to rescue the woman you love," Henry answered.

"Shut up, Andrews."

The three laughed.

586. Knowing that it will prohibit them from getting to their apartment afterwards, no one who lives above the crime scene ever sees or hears anything.

"That is so, so true. Ray wrote that up there, didn't he?" Greg asked.

"Looks like his handwriting."

"That's Brass' handwriting. What the hell?" Nick sat up a little, re-reading it to make sure he'd read it right the first time.

587. Cows make terrible cover during a shootout.

"I'd imagine they do, though," Henry commented. "I mean, after all, if they don't run off as soon as the shooting starts, imagine the mess you'd be when they got shot. And have you ever tried to give a cow CPR?"

The three looked at him. He grinned.

"That's just disgusting. You know that right?" Greg asked.

"Haven't you ever given cow to mouth resuscitation?"

"No."

"Mouse to mouth resuscitation?"

"This conversation will stop now or you will wear my breakfast."

"What a bile threat!"

"Har, har, har!" the three said.

"And Bobby strikes again!" Nick said, laughing at the next one.

588. Inflatable sheep are not to be seen cleaning labs or bathrooms.

"He named his sheep. Did you know that?" Hodges asked.

"Yeah? What's he calling it this time?"

"Emerson."

"Emerson?"

"Emerson Cod. He was a big fan of Pushing Daisies."

"Me too," Greg and Henry said with a nod.

"Pushing Daisies? What's that?" Nick asked.

"Only the best gum-shoe series ever!" Henry said with a grin.

"Five second recap," Greg said. "This guy could touch dead things and bring them back to life for a minute. He used it to find out how people died and solve crimes. And when he wasn't solving crimes, he was making pies."

Nick looked at the next rule:

589. We do not tell people that we solved a seemingly unsolvable crime due to an informant nicknamed The Pie Maker.

"And since that's David's handwriting, I'm guessing you three have either hounded him about this, or else he's a fan and felt some need to mention this."

"Or all of the above."

"Or all of the above. Sure. That works too."

"We should talk about our interesting night," Hodges said.

"Why? We were there. You saw how it started, went, and ended. What's to talk about?" Henry asked.

"Oh… This." Hodges pushed himself up, moved slowly to the basket of chalk, even slower moved the footstool down to the end, stepped up, and slowly wrote:

590. The more technological advance a communication device is, the more likely it is to make communication difficult.

It was met with a round of applause. He stepped down and started back to the recliner he'd been in.

"Oh. And one more."

591. Mother Nature has no pity on stupid people.

"Not to mention fate. If he killed Harry, than that raccoon was Harry's vengeance!" Henry said.

"Since you're up, add this rule," Greg ordered.

592. Flying should be left to airplanes and hang gliders.

Hodges stared at him a minute, then went back and added it.

"And could you add this one for me?" Nick asked, and promptly rattled off:

593. When you think you've seen the stupidest criminal in the world, another will come along to surprise you.

Hodges looked back at him, glaring. But he obeyed and added it. He turned and stepped off the step stool.

"Oh, and one more," Nick said.

594. Ask before you touch a cowboy's gun, even if it is evidence.

"Really?" Hodges asked with sarcasm.

"Yeah. Why not?"

Hodges heaved a sigh, went back, and added the rule. He stepped off and was almost back to his chair when Henry asked, "Could you add mine? Catherine said I couldn't do it anymore."

595. I am not allowed to schedule my days off to avoid working full phases of the moon.

Hodges stared at him. "I hate all of my co-workers," he said, and then returned to add the rule.

He turned on the stool, looking at them. "Any more? Can I get down now?"

"Sure," they answered one at a time.

Hodges got down, tossed the chalk in the basket, and was almost to his chair when Greg said, "I have another one."

"Write it your damned self," Hodges told him as he sat down.

The three laughed. Hodges cracked a smile, followed by a long sigh. "I think I'm going to sleep right here."

"Mm-hm," Nick said.

The room grew silent as the four 'law-men' fell asleep to dream of a birthday that almost was.