I finally updated! Yay! My one and only fan wanted me to update soon, so there ya go, aliisa-chan, feel special. :D I love chu for being my only fan!

Kaoru POV:

It's been exactly 168 hours, 19 minutes, and 51 seconds since I found out that Hikaru was dead.

He was my brother. My lover. My life. My everything. And his death was all my fault.

It was all because of my jealousy...

~flashback~

'What does she have that I don't..?' I thought while putting some of his clothes in his closet.

And that's when he walked in the door, and kissed my cheek.

"Don't kiss me." I said with disgust in my voice.

"What is up with you? We haven't fucked in weeks."

"Maybe if you weren't so caught up in Haruhi, you'd realize what was wrong.."

He lightly held my chin. "What are you talking about? I don't love Haruhi." He rapped his other arm around me.

I squirmed, trying to get away. "Its more obvious then the nose on my face!"

"Kaoru, I don't love Haruhi!"

"You're such a fucking lier!" I kicked him off of me. "I hate her! I hate how you love her! I hate you! I never want to see you ever again! I hope you die! Why don't you just go kill yourself? Then you'll know the pain you cause me!" I started to cry half way threw my seemingly useless rant.

"I-I don't understand... What makes you think I love her?"

"The way you look into her eyes. How you stare at her nonstop. How you talk about her all the time. You moan her name in your sleep and the last time we had sex, you kept lipping her name. If that doesn't sound like love, or obsession, I don't know what does! Get out of my sight!"

"Bu-"

"Don't even! Just go!"

"Kao-"

"Leave!"

And then he left.

Then the next morning, I found out that he had jumped off a bridge and killed himself.

Like I told him to.

~end of flashback~

I feel like a complete dick. I hate myself. I should have been the one to kill myself. He deserved life a lot more then I do.

I wish I would have believed him when he said he didn't love Haruhi. He never really talk about her. He moaned her name in his sleep once, but it sounded very painful. Not pleasureful. And he never moaned her name in sex. I completely over exaggerated everything.

And everything is all my fault.

I even pushed him into it by saying, 'Why don't you just go kill yourself?'

Those words have been echoing in my brain for days. Over and over and over and over. Why can't I take it back? Why can't I go back in time and stop myself from doing anything that would hurt him that night?

Why me?

Why?

I walk into the bathroom, pull a blade from one of the razors, put it to my wrist then,

'Thud' I hear the door downstairs shut, and footsteps quickly coming up the stairs.

I hear him knock on my door, and I run from my bathroom to under my covers.

"Kaoru!"

I sigh. Only two people would talk to me so happily in such a time of depression. Tamaki, and Honey. But Tamaki comes to see me everyday, so I know it's him.

"Come in..." my voice seems to be dieing along with my soul.

He opens the door, and sits next to me in my bed. "Why weren't you in school today?"

I shrug.

"Are you still depressed about Hikaru..?"

I suddenly break into tears. I'm a mess. Without Hikaru, I'm nothing.

I feel two warm, welcoming arms rap around my fragile, shaking body.

"Don't cry," he says, "I'm here."

"B-but you're... you're not Hi-Hikaru..."

"I know... But aren't I good enough?"

I quickly get out of his hug and stand up, still sobbing. "No! No one will EVER be like he is! No one will EVER be as loving and caring as he is! NO ONE CAN EVER REPLACE MY BROTHER!" I all but scream, I can't hold in my anger. Hikaru didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to have any pain. I didn't deserve him.

"Kaoru, Hikaru is dead. Why are you talking about him like he's still alive?"

"I don't believe he's gone! He's not! I know he can't be! I love him too much!"

"Let me be your new Hikaru."

"No... I don't love you." I sit back on the bed.

"But I love you, Kaoru~" he pins me onto the bed.

"Let me go!"

"Not until you love me back." he starts to lick and suck on my neck as he starts to tie my arms to the headboard with his tie.

"I'll never love you! Let me go!" I start to fight agains my restrains.

"Then I'll never let you go." he starts to unbutton my shirt and take off my pants and underwear.

"Tamaki, stop, this is sick!"

"I see nothing wrong with making love with the person that you love." he licks from my belly button, all the way up the my ear, then blows in it.

"T-Tamaki... Please... I'm begging you..."

"Just say that you love me." he undoes his pants and takes out his member.

Tears fill my eyes again. "Never..."

He smirks, and pushes all the way into me without any preparation.

"Sto-AAAHHHHH!"