Chapter 30

"You're what?"

"I think I'm going to break up with Jake," I told Maddie over the phone the next day.

"Why?"

"It's complicated."

"Well, uncomplicate it!" she cried. "What happened? I thought things were going so well for you!"

I sighed and switched my phone from one ear to the other, cradling it between my cheek and my shoulder. "I don't know. It's a combination of things, I guess."

"Such as?"

"Well, for starters, he introduced me as his girlfriend to his family when we haven't even discussed what we are. Then, there's the fact that his parents have very different opinions and expectations about our relationship. Did I tell you his mom had the nerve to tell me that my biological clock was ticking and that I needed to marry him and give her grandchildren right away?"

"She did not!"

"She did!" I exclaimed. "She was ready to marry us off right there. Thank God no one who came to dinner was a priest or she might have succeeded! And that's another thing. Every single person in that family is well-off, with a high paying job and all the clout that comes along with it."

"Yeah, but I think that's somewhat normal," Maddie said. "Show me any 'meet the family' dinners that aren't awkward. It doesn't make it any less embarrassing, but it's kind of expected, y'know? I think you're just getting cold feet, so to speak."

"Oh, there's more! Then, I overheard Jake's dad basically scolding him for getting involved with a subordinate. And what's worse, I agree with his dad! Maddie—I've had a bad feeling about this from the very beginning, but I ignored it hoping that it would go away if I just gave it time. But it's not, and I can't. I can't date my boss. There's just too many things that could go wrong. I'll always be worried about our working relationship and having to sneak around and being afraid of getting caught. I already don't know how I'm going to look him in the eye on Monday morning."

"Why? Because of what happened at dinner?"

I hesitated. Did I want to tell her?

"Things were getting heated between us, and I panicked," I revealed.

"Well, it has been a year, Chris," she laughed. "It's perfectly fine for you to feel uneasy about starting a sexual relationship with a new person. I get it. It happened to me with Eddie."

"It's not just that, though. We didn't even get that far. Here we are, in the middle of this intense make-out session, and suddenly I realize that I don't feel the same way about him that he does about me, and I never will. And yes, I could have a fling and blow of some steam and work out a year's worth of sexual frustration, but that's not fair to Jake. He's a really decent guy who really cares about me. I know he wants something long term and I just can't give that to him."

"I get that," she said quietly. "I'm sorry, Chris. Are you okay?"

"I will be. Eventually. Now I get to be the asshole who breaks up with someone during the holidays."

"Aww, honey. He'll understand. From what you told me, he probably already knows it's coming."

"That doesn't make me feel any better about it." I exhaled sharply, trying to hold back tears of hopelessness. "Tell me…tell me I'll find someone someday. Tell me he's out there, waiting for me somewhere."

"He is. I promise."

She listened while I cried softly into the phone, letting go of all the despair and frustration I'd been keeping in. How could I ever tell her that my tears had nothing to do with Jake and everything to do with pining for a dead man who was already in love with someone else. Why did I always fall in love with the wrong man? How could my heart betray me like this?

"What're your plans for today?" Maddie asked.

Sniffing, I swiped at my eyes and replied, "Um, eventually getting out of bed and getting dressed."

I'd been in bed all morning, feeling sorry for myself, and right now it seemed like a good place to spend the rest of my day as well.

"That's a start," Maddie laughed. "I was thinking, what you need is some retail therapy."

"Uh-uh. Forget it. I am not going anywhere on Black Friday."

"Okay, okay. I don't blame you. The crowds are horrendous."

"Are you working today?" I asked.

"Hell no! Thankfully my position doesn't require me to work today. But I've worked them in the past and I never want to do that again. Just trying to find a place to park was a nightmare!"

"Then why did you suggest going shopping as a way to cheer me up?"

"Well, okay. Maybe not today, but what are you doing tomorrow?"

"Nothing."

Sulking.

"You wanna go to the mall? We could swing by my store, and I'll let you use my employee discount."

I thought about it for a minute. It would do me some good to get away from the house for a bit and do something fun. "Sure. I'd love to."

"Fantastic. Let's meet there around eleven. We can do some shopping and then go to lunch."

"Sounds great."

"So, what are you going to do today, then? I think you need something to keep your mind busy. Oh! I know!" she exclaimed. "You could decorate for Christmas."

"Uh, I don't know…," I hedged.

"Why not? You used to love decorating for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving."

"I haven't decorated at all since my parents died and me and Ben split. It's just not the same when you're alone."

"How do you know?" she retorted. "Maybe it's just the thing you need to cheer up an empty house."

She had me there.

"I can tell by your sudden silence that you know I'm right."

"Okay, fine," I pouted. "I'll get dressed and decorate today."

"Yay!" I heard her clapping through the phone. "Make hot chocolate or eggnog, play some Christmas music, and send me pictures when you're done!"

I promised to send her updates and we hung up. Then I flopped back down to my pillow with a sigh and scrubbed my palms over my face. She was right; the last thing I needed was to lie in bed all day crying about my predicament. I needed a distraction. And who knows, maybe I would even have a little fun.

XXX

Tiny motes of dust swirled around me, twinkling in the soft white light, sending me into a coughing fit almost immediately. Gagging, I stepped out of the storage area and back into the living room to catch my breath and give the dirt a chance to settle.

It had been just over a year since I'd moved in and stuffed the boxes of various holiday decorations into the alcove underneath my stairs but the wood and masonry dust from months of renovations had somehow managed to work its way through the cracks around the doorframe and cover everything in a thick layer of silt.

Resigning myself to that fact that there was no way to avoid getting dirty, I took a deep breath, ducked back in, and began hauling boxes out one by one.

"What's all this?" Erik inquired, staring at the mess of cardboard boxes scattered all over the floor between the stairs and the back of the couch.

"Christmas stuff," I grunted as I tried to wrestle the tall rectangular box containing the artificial pre-lit Christmas tree through the opening.

He reached up and grabbed the top of the box, tipping it toward him so that he could slide it underneath the top of doorframe.

"'Christmas stuff?'" he repeated, tilting his head curiously.

"Yeah, you know. Like decorations. The tree, wreaths, ornaments. Christmas stuff."

He shook his head, a bewildered expression settling over his features.

"Haven't you ever decorated for Christmas?"

Again, he shook his head 'no.'

A pang of pity squeezed my heart as I thought of all the simple things he'd been deprived of during his lifetime.

"Well, you're more than welcome to help me, if you want," I told him.

"What do I do?" he asked.

"First, we need to open these boxes and find the stuff we want to use. Then we'll carry those over there," I said, pointing to the three small windows across the way from the couch. I figured that would be the best place to set up the tree. That way it could be seen from the street when I had the windows open and was right next to the fireplace so I could stare at both at the same time while I was snuggled up on the couch.

For the next few minutes, Erik watched with a small smile of amusement as I rummaged through all the boxes, ooing and aahing as I came across things that I hadn't seen since before my parents died. When I'd finished selecting everything I wanted to use, he helped me carry the boxes over to the windows.

The expression of confusion he wore when I opened the box with the Christmas tree was worth all the hassle of getting all the decorations out. I could tell he didn't quite understand the concept of a fake tree or how they'd managed to stuff a whole conifer into a box. I pulled out the stand and three separate pieces and laid them on the floor. Erik knelt down beside me, fingering the plastic pine needles uncertainly.

"Here," I chuckled, pointing to the biggest section. "Hand me that."

Picking up the bottom piece, he passed it over to me.

"Watch."

Still kneeling, I shifted my weight to my knees and shins and straightened up so that I could place the first piece into the base. It locked in and some of the branches dropped and settled into place. I spent a few minutes pulling the rest down and rearranged the limbs so that they appeared fuller and stood out. Slowly, the tree began to take shape. I repeated the same with the middle and top sections and once I was done, I sat back on my heels and gazed up at Erik expectantly.

"Incredible," he whispered as he examined the boughs. "It's so lifelike."

"Yeah? You like? Wait 'til you see this."

Leaning over onto my hands and knees, I crawled underneath the tree to find the power cord and plugged it into the outlet.

The earlier look of childlike wonder on Erik's face was nothing compared to the expression of awe that lit up his eyes and the small gasp that escaped his lips when all the tiny colored lights sparkled to life.

"It's beautiful," he murmured.

I couldn't help but smile. "We're just getting started."

"There's more?"

"Yes. Now we have to decorate it."

I pushed myself to my feet and dusted my hands off on my jeans. Then I went over to the remaining boxes and started pulling out tinsel and smaller boxes of ornaments and lined everything up on the coffee table. Erik crept up behind me, peering over my shoulder.

"So now," I explained, selecting a green ornament from one of the boxes, "we take these little hooks and put them on the ornaments like this, and then hang them on the tree like so."

Demonstrating, I hung the glass bulb on one of the limbs, repeating the action several times.

"The key is to stagger the styles, colors, and placement of all the ornaments so that they aren't too close to one another, but still cover the entire tree."

He nodded and moved to join me, and we spent the next ten minutes in companionable silence as we worked.

At one point, I stopped what I was doing and took a step back to get a better picture of how the tree was coming along and identify any bare spots, and I was struck by the scene unfolding before me. Orange firelight glinted off the back of Erik's black cloak and hair as he focused on arranging the ornaments he'd chosen around the tree with meticulous precision. The sight amazed me and once again I was honored by the knowledge that I was getting a glimpse of a side of him he'd never shown to anyone else.

"Is this you?"

I blinked, surprised to find that Erik had moved back to the coffee table and was now holding a small handmade ornament in his hands. I sidled up next to him and he handed it to me.

"Yes," I replied softly, passing my fingers reverently over the gilded frame that had been childishly drawn on gold construction paper and cut out and glued on top of bright red paper. Sandwiched in between was a faded picture of three people. "That's me with my parents. I think I must have been around seven or eight."

Flipping it over, I saw where I had written 'Me mom and dad' in pencil and smiled wistfully.

"I miss them. I haven't seen this since…I haven't touched any of this stuff since they died."

"Then this," he announced, gingerly taking the picture from my hands, "should have a place front and center."

"Oh no. That's okay. We don't need to put it up."

"Don't argue with me," he said matter-of-factly. He removed one of the ornaments from the center of the tree and hung up my homemade one in its place. "There. Now they can be with you."

My bottom lip trembled as tears stung at the corners of my eyes. "Thank you," I whispered.

He smiled at me then and it felt like my heart was going to explode.

"There's just one thing left that we have to do," I told him, clearing my throat in an attempt to regain my composure. "We have to put the star on the top of the tree. I'm a little short, so, would you do the honors?"

I handed him the white and gold star and watched with a mixture of pride and glee as he gently secured it to the tallest upright branch.

"There," I said when he was done. "What do you think?"

"I think it's wonderful," Erik responded. "Thank you for including me."

"Anytime. Thank you for giving me some of my Christmas spirit back."

Erik's eyes softened, their coloring deepening to match the glow of the flickering firelight. Reaching out, he brushed his hand against the side of my left cheek. "You have some dust…," he mumbled.

If that's all it took, I'd gladly go stick my face in a pile of dirt.

"Thanks," I muttered. "Shall we?" I swept my hand out, indicating to him that we should sit in our respective places.

I needed to put distance between us and distract myself before I melted into a puddle on the floor. I swear to God that man had no idea just how much of a tease he could be and how much the simplest touch from him could set my skin and nerve-endings on fire. And the fact that he was so oblivious about all of it only made him that much more attractive.

Down, Christine. Keep your hands and your oversexed thoughts to yourself. It's not polite nor is it appropriate to jump the Opera Ghost in front of the Christmas tree.

Even if I really want to?

Even if you really want to.

I angled away and hid a smile, laughing to myself at the absurdity of it all. I'm sure Erik would be absolutely appalled if he could hear the thoughts raging through my head right now or knew what I imagined the two of us doing when I was all alone at night.

Later, as we sat together reading and periodically marveling at all that we'd accomplished, I wondered if he'd ever celebrated Christmas before—or any special occasion for that matter. My guess was most likely not, considering how innocently he'd reacted to decorating. I got the sense that Erik did not have a normal, happy childhood, and I'd be willing to bet money that he'd never been given a Christmas present before.

Well, that was about to change, I decided. Tomorrow, while I was out with Maddie, I would make it a point to find something special to give him. Something to show him how much he meant to me. And for the first time in I don't know how long, I went to bed excited for what the next day would bring.

XXX

I was playing with fire, growing bolder and bolder with each second that I spent with her. I had been caught up in the moment, dazzled by the flickering firelight and the twinkling lights on the tree, overcome with all that she continued to show and share with me, until the only way I could think to express myself was by reaching out and caressing her cheek. I was certain that Christine would see right through my flimsy excuse, but I had been unable to stop myself.

Thankfully, she continued to remain blissfully unaware of my intentions.

My instincts told me to stop this selfish nonsense at once before I went too far and pushed her away. I couldn't bear the thought of how those beautiful features of hers would undoubtedly contort with horror and revulsion if she knew all the sordid things I longed to do and how those thoughts occupied my mind every second of every day. I would never forgive myself if my deplorable actions damaged our relationship.

Common sense begged me to stay away, to keep my distance before something terrible happened. But I could not. Depriving myself of her presence was like denying a dying man water in the desert. It simply could not be done. And so, I would continue on down this path, heedless of the warnings and blithely apathetic to the consequences.

God help me the day I finally overstepped my bounds, and everything fell apart and my world went up in flames.