Chapter 8: Barely There
Quinn swings her legs off the bed, reaching out to switch her 5 am alarm clock off. Groggily, she makes her way to the bathroom. She curses herself inwardly for being lazy the other day. If she went and did her groceries during the weekend, she shouldn't have to wake up at 5 friggin' am in the middle of the week to go to the 24-hour convenient store across town.
She spends longer than usual to get ready and when she finally remembers to grab her keys before going out the door for the third time, Quinn hears an all too familiar whimper coming from the next room. Just like a fire alarm, the sound sends her heart hammering and adrenaline pumping in her system. At night, Quinn would wonder when it will finally stop doing that. She would wonder when Santana will be at peace even when she's in the clutches of the night.
Quietly, she tip toes her way to Santana's room. She opens the door as silently as she can, not wanting to make her presence known to the occupants unless needed. Quinn's eyes adjust to the deeper, blacker darkness in the room, just in time to catch Santana's arm try to reach out for something. The action tugs Quinn's heartstrings painfully and slowly. During the first month of the tragedy, Santana would often reach out for something and nothing in particular in her sleep. Usually, whenever Quinn would chance upon it, she would gently shake the Latina awake. Quinn was about to do so when the body cuddled up next to Santana began to stir.
Quinn moves as close as possible from the doorway as she struggles to see. For some reason, her gut tells her to watch – to witness. Brittany shifts a little and Quinn hears whispered words and even though she's trying hard to hear, she can't quite make out what Brittany's saying. Quinn forces her eyes to adjust more. She watches quietly as Brittany, who Quinn thinks is still three-fourths unconscious, reaches out for Santana's outstretched hand and pulls it back down. The whispers start again and this time Quinn hears a bit of it.
"Not alone… 'Mmm here…" Brittany repeats it over and over again until Santana stops shifting. She settles against the blonde, her hand still in Brittany's. Brittany, in turn presses herself against Santana's back and within minutes Quinn hears silence.
And then, just as she was about to leave, beyond the darkness, Quinn witnesses, hears something incredible. Quiet and deep breathing turns into gentle snores and it takes her a minute to believe that it is real. Santana and Brittany are breathing in sync. This is what the movies can never portray in perfection. No matter how hard they train themselves to do it, it wouldn't be the same as the one she's witnessing right now. They would never be able to imitate the atmosphere of purity hanging in the air. Quinn listens intently, determined to imprint this memory to her mind. She intends to burn this moment so that someday, when someone asks, she will be able to present a proof as to why she believes in soul mates.
She stays by the doorway for several minutes before she slowly makes her way to the front door, leaving her friends in their unconscious moment. She drives in silence and doesn't open the radio like she normally would. As she pulls up and parks beside another car in front of the convenient store, she decides to make breakfast for all of them. But in order to do so, she would have to move fast so that she can open the stove without giving Santana a heart attack.
"Good morning!" The man behind the counter greets her. Quinn smiles at him and moves to get the items.
Quinn grabs bacons from the freezer, wondering how long has it been since Santana ate one. Then, she proceeds down the aisle to get eggs.
"Dios mio, Quinn?" Quinn turns to find an older, brunette woman and a boy around the age of seven or eight holding the woman's hand. Quinn feels cold when she recognizes the woman. After all, she's the spitting image of Santana's mom. Hate fills her and spite strikes her to the core. Warm, green eyes turn to ice as she turns to face the older woman.
"Gabriela." Quinn says her tone neither pleasant nor cold. She holds the woman's gaze until she sees a flash of recognition in her eyes. Quinn then bends down to the kid's height, this time smiling warmly.
"Hey, Miggy." Miguel smiles his big, missing-front-teeth smile before letting of his mother's hand and rushes into Quinn's waiting arms.
"Kwi!" Quinn chuckles. She lets the boy jump up and down in her arms, the innocence almost painful to see. "Kwi! Where's S?" The boy is all smiles and glee and this protects him from the dark looks his mom and Quinn shares.
"She's sleeping back at home."
"Can I see her?" The look of excitement fills Quinn with anger but she forces herself to smile as much as she can for the sake of the child. She looks up at Gabriela and smirks at her tense posture.
"Of course! She misses you so much. Ask your mother if you can come with me so you can see her." Gabriela glares at her and Quinn smiles a menacingly sweet smile. Miguel turns to his mom and brings out the full power of puppy dog eyes.
"Pweeaaase, can I?" Gabriela shoots Quinn one last dirty glare which Quinn reciprocates with equal intensity. She picks up her son and holds on until the boy calms down.
"I'm sorry, mijo. We have to meet your Papa after he visits his bestfriend. And then we have to go home because we left Dino alone at home. If it rains, no one's going to be there to stop him from destroying the couch." Gabriela says softly.
"But, Mamaaaa… I miss S."
"Of course you do." Quinn says, sharper than she had intended it to be.
"I'm sorry, Miggy." Gabriela turns to Quinn. "You have other cousins anyway. I'll let you play with them at home. Si?" Quinn had to quell the desire to strangle the woman.
"Si. Okay, Mama." Miggy says. He's smiling but Quinn thinks it's a little bit sad too.
"Well, I have to go." Before I kill someone, she thinks. Quinn looks at Miggy. "Bye, little man. Someday I hope you'll be able to come by and play with S. She misses you so much."
"I miss her too. Will you tell her that, Kwi?" Quinn smiles at the child's pleading look and ignores the disgust in Gabriela's eyes.
"Sure thing, Miggy. Bye." Quinn waves as she moves toward the counter. She moves fast and with purpose, doing everything to avoid delays on the counter. If nothing else was sure in this world, Quinn is absolutely sure that she'd rather be with a criminal right now rather than with Gabriela.
She hurries home.
Warmth.
Santana wonders if she's still in the realm of dreams. She'd gotten used to waking up in complete and utter darkness and to the feeling of cold fear that she's forgotten how to react to waking up in comforting warmth.
Lights will guide you home…
She hears Brittany's voice in her head and she smiles through her closed eyes. The blonde had given her a reason to not fear sleep and Santana could still feel the comfort seeping from her voice. She thinks about taking Brittany somewhere after her hearings. God knows it's the least she can do.
Santana finally cracks her eyes open, deciding that the warmth isn't about to go away anytime soon. The foreign calm vanishes as soon as she realizes that she can't move. Her eyes lose the grogginess and her body goes on paranoid mode. Her eyes search for the source of weight pressing down on her and she is greeted by an unfamiliar arm. A learned reflex kicks in and she jumps off the bed before someone can say "ow!". Eyes wide and heart racing, Santana stares at the figure she was with until a moment ago in bed. Her mind refuses to process the possibility that the person might be someone she knows, her judgment clouded. She poises ready to pummel the person to death if she has to.
"Wha?" Santana picks up the surprised voice and it takes her a full minute to recognize it and another to realize what she's doing. "San? What – ow – what's happening?" Brittany touches her sore cheek having been hit by Santana in the panic of the moment.
"Brittany?"
"What are you doing? Are we getting bombed?" Blue eyes finally open to full alert searching Santana's brown, surprised ones.
Santana stays three feet away, a rush of emotions currently overcoming her entire being. The fear dominates everything. The fear that she could have done something horrible to Brittany occupies her mind. The disgust of even thinking about it churns her stomach. And then there's the relief. The relief that she didn't go through the night alone and the relief that Brittany had come here on her own free will. Santana takes a step forward.
"San?" That sweet voice laced with concern lulled her to sleep last night. And it is only in this moment that Santana realizes that it is because of that voice that she's fighting hard against the pain in the ass and in everything else that everyone calls life. She takes in the image of Brittany – the image of her angel. Blue eyes are bright with worry, sleep forgotten. She's reaching out for her, her hand half raised. She sees the red on her cheek and knows that Brittany's forgotten about that. More than that, Santana thinks that Brittany could care less about her pain. Another surge of emotions push her to reach Brittany. Gently, she touches Brittany's swollen cheek.
She had caused her pain. Real, physical pain.
"I'm sorry." Her voice sounded weak even to herself and she feels revenge against herself when Brittany flinches slightly at the contact. Nevertheless, the girl laughs.
"It's okay. Though I'd prefer to wake up to a smile rather than a punch in the face." She's trying to lighten the mood, Santana knows. But right now, she can't follow. The incredulity of everything crashes down on her.
"What are you doing here?" Santana asks, eyes still on the red cheek which turned redder when she asked the question.
"I ran to get here form my house. I… I didn't want you to be alone last night." Brittany confesses.
And Santana knows, she doesn't deserve her.
"Don't hate me." Santana whispers.
"Never." Brittany's response is immediate, the need to reassure Santana more important than anything. Suddenly, Santana's pushing her back on the bed, and she has no choice but to follow until she can bury her head no further into the pillow. The brunette hovers above her, hands pinned on either side of Brittany's head, her eyes searching.
Brittany looks straight into her eyes, an unspoken conversation of sorts passing between them. She smiles. And that's all Santana needs before leaning in and pressing her lips against Brittany's. She hears a sharp intake of breath and Santana panics and is about to pull away when Brittany presses back.
There are no fireworks. But Santana's sure that her heart is bursting. She doesn't need the fireworks to describe the feeling because she knows that everything is exploding into a thousand different colors. She's surrounded and filled with everything that is Brittany and she becomes greedy. She sucks in everything; her scent, her taste, her warmth.
Brittany's never experienced being dead so she has no idea what heaven looks like. But when Santana pressed her lips against hers, she's pretty sure that she just reached heaven. So she presses back, tasting the desperation and need on Santana's lips. They move together as if they've been kissing for years. Santana's tongue dart out to lick her lips but she finds that Brittany's been expecting her and she meets her halfway. Brittany's arms come up to wrap around her neck, pulling her impossibly closer, the laws of physics forgotten.
They kiss until the need for air forces them to pull apart. Heavy pants fill the room and Santana rests her forehead against Brittany's.
"Wow." She hears Brittany whispers. Santana feels the movement of her lips and she sighs contentedly. "Where were you when I had my first kiss?" Santana chuckles, finding the courage to open her eyes and look at Brittany's flushed and smiling face.
"Probably doing God-knows-what." Santana moves off of Brittany, and instead lies on her side facing Brittany. They laugh quietly, not wanting to break the moment. It takes Brittany a while before she realizes that Santana's laughing. It's quiet but Brittany's mesmerized by the way Santana's face seems to look light, carefree. Her eyes are shining, for once not with pain or tears, but with pure joy. The frown has disappeared, full lips stretched by happiness. Brittany thinks that the Latina's cheek must be edible.
"You're beautiful." She blurts out. Santana's laughter dies down to a smirk.
"Look who's talking." Brittany blushes and Santana's smirk grows wider.
"Aww, San. Stop it. You're being too sweet; I think you're going to make my ovaries explode."
"Was that a Tumblr reference?"
"Maybe." Santana chuckles, thinking how perfect her morning's turning out to be.
"I want – eggs?" The brunette looks at her confused.
"Uhh, sorry to disappoint, B. I only have egg cells." Brittany slaps her playfully.
"No, San! What the heck?" Brittany takes a moment to laugh. "I meant I think I smell eggs." Santana sniffs the air and finds that it's true.
"I smell bacon." Santana says. There's a blur of blonde hair, blue tank top, black shorts, and sheets before Santana realizes that Brittany's up and about.
"Yay, breakfast!" Brittany moves to grab her hoodie from the bag she packed last night to cover herself up. She moves to the door and when she opens it, she turns to smile at Santana. Her smile fades when she realizes that Santana's sitting at the edge of the bed looking like she might throw up. She moves toward Santana, placing a hand on her shoulder.
"San, you okay?" Santana takes a deep breath.
"I think. It's been a while since I smelled cooked breakfast." Understanding dawns in Brittany. Cook. Stove. Fire. She places a hand on Santana's cheek and winces inside at the cold temperature. Only minutes ago, Santana's cheek was flushed with heat and life.
"Hey. Look at me." She commands softly. She waits until Santana meets her eyes. "It's going to be okay. Quinn knows, right? Let's trust her on this. Nothing's going to happen. Everything's going to be okay." Santana takes a deep breath in response, willing herself to believe not with herself but with Quinn and Brittany.
"Okay." She says even though the idea of seeing it for the first time since everything changed scares the hell out of her. She knows she has to face fire sooner or later but she wasn't expecting to do it today which makes nothing any better. Brittany takes her hand and leads her slowly to the kitchen.
"Morning S!" Tiana greets her as soon as she stepped inside the kitchen. Santana groans, the loud voice giving birth to headaches.
"Not so loud, T. 'Morning."
"Good morning, mija." Her mom says, giving her a plate of bacon and eggs.
"Morning Mama." Her dad walks in to the kitchen looking very much like Santana. The two were never a morning person. He pats her on the back as he sits beside her and smiles a sleepy smile up at his wife and Tiana.
"Morning Papi!" Tiana greets. Her father flinches.
"Not so loud, kiddo. 'Morning." The three girls burst into laughter.
"You said the same thing as S, Pa!" Tiana says between laughter. Santana and her father looked at each other and smile sheepishly, both secretly loving every moment of their every morning routine.
"Q! You made breakfast!" Santana snaps out of her daze, eyes darting around immediately.
"Yes, I did, B. And San? Don't bother panicking. There's nothing to panic about. See?" Quinn gestures at the silent and plain stove. Santana releases the breath she doesn't even know she's holding in. As soon as Brittany realizes that everything's okay just like she said, she turns to smile smugly at Santana.
"Not a word." Brittany keeps silent, the 'I told you so' statement held at the tip of her tongue. "And you? Unbelievable." She glares at Quinn who smirks at her.
"Is that any way to say thank you, S?" Santana flops down on the counter and Brittany follows, accepting their plate of bacon and eggs.
"Yeah, well I think you were secretly trying to kill me." Quinn laughs heartily.
"I'm you friend. Not a murderer."
"Whatever." Santana takes the first bite of bacon and damn it, she wasn't able to hold back a moan of delight. She meets Quinn's smirk and hears Brittany's held back laughter.
"What?"
"Say it." Quinn presses. Santana scowls.
"No."
"Say. It." Quinn takes away Santana's plate before the brunette can react. Santana stares helplessly at food in Quinn's hands. She growls at the blonde. Brittany explodes in fits of laughter.
"San, just say it!" Brittany coaches Santana through her joy. Santana glares at Quinn and Quinn glares back.
"Th…you." She mumbles.
"What was that, Santana? I don't think I heard that." Santana flushes.
"THANK YOU." Santana says loudly. Quinn puts the plate back in front of the brunette and she immediately digs in, reveling at the natural heat of the food and the cooking oil.
"That wasn't so hard." Quinn takes a bite of bacon herself and Brittany follows suit. Santana scoffs.
"Bacon whore." Santana says.
"Bitch!"
"I know."
"Guys!" Brittany referees. "You know what, someday, both of you might end up killing each other."
"We know." Santana and Quinn replies at the same time making Brittany smile at the adorability of it all. The brunette gets infected by the bright smile and has no choice but to smile herself.
"Anyway, something's different with the two of you. Did you two have sex?" Santana chokes on her food. And Brittany rushes to pat her back and hand her a glass of water.
"Q! Crude much?" Brittany says, blushing hard herself.
"Oh, so you did! San, you sure move fast." Santana takes a moment to recover.
"We didn't do it, you idiot!" She rasps out.
"We kissed though." Santana chokes on her water as Quinn nearly falls from her chair, laughing.
"B!" Brittany looks at her confused.
"What?"
"Nice, S!" Quinn whoops. Santana groans. Brittany leans in to whisper into Santana's ear.
"I think she might be sexually frustrated cause Caleb's not giving her any fun." This time, Santana chokes on nothing and then she smirks at Quinn who notices the change.
"At least we're getting some action. What about you, Q?" Santana draws out the Q. "Caleb's been holding out on you?" Quinn blushes and smartly opts to keep her mouth shut. The trio stares at each other for a full minute before they burst into laughter.
Quinn and Brittany share a look of pride and amazement at Santana's laugh. They spend the most of it listening to their friend's rare joy.
And in that moment, Santana knows, she wouldn't trade this moment for anything.
/
"Someone looks like she just got fucked." Santana turns at the familiar voice and sees Puck coming towards her. She rolls her eyes dramatically, all with a small smile. "So did you? Get laid, I mean." Santana slaps his arm hard.
"No! And I do not look like anything but myself." Santana says, as she continues on signing the papers that needed to be signed. She lets Puck laugh his heart out.
"Say, I need to go pass by the hospital today, before lunch. I have to get my sweet mother's meds personally from her doctor."
"Aww, Puck. That's so cute." Puck hears the sarcasm in her voice and he scowls at her.
"Shut up." Santana chuckles quietly. "So?"
"Yeah, okay." Santana agrees, finishing the last of her paperwork.
They proceed to the hospital as soon as Puck managed to finish his paperwork. They walk the few blocks away from the law firm, each lost in their own thoughts until Santana decides to voice out her own.
"I kissed her." Puck rounds on her, a smirk in place.
"That's my girl!" He pats her on the back. Santana glares at him. "What's with the scary face? Aren't you supposed to be over the moon or something?"
"I kissed her, Puck. How the hell am I supposed to execute plan push her away now?" puck sighs, exasperated.
"That was never part of your plan Santana. You fool yourself that it is but really? Honestly? You need her too much to actually do that."
"I know."
"Then what's keeping you back from awesome sex?" Santana chooses to ignore the sex part because it's only normal for Puck.
"I don't know. I think I'm just afraid that she might find something in me that she doesn't like and then she'll decide to leave." Santana mumbles, not really fond of admitting her fears.
"Oh come on, Satan! Give her some credit here!"
"I know!" There's a tinge of exasperation and frustration coloring her voice, her eyebrows scrunched together trying to make sense of fate's decision to cross their paths. "I know." And she does. She knows that it's very unlikely that Brittany would do that to her.
"So shut up and live in the moment. Suck it in while it's still there. If you're afraid, then make the most of the moments when you're not. Because that's what matters."
"You know, I'll never get over your wise moments." Puck glares at her.
"And I'll never get tired of recognizing a thank you behind your wonderfully colored words." Santana smirks at him. They stop right in front of the hospital.
"I'll wait for you here? Hurry up your ass, I have a lunch to get to." Santana sits down on the bench farthest from the Hospital entrance and the buzz of doctors, nurses, and patients. Puck shoots her an apologetic look. After all those months, he thought she'd be at least fit to step inside a hospital. Turns out, she isn't ready yet. He takes the stairs two steps at a time, walking faster than usual.
"I'm sorry, I know this is painful, but we need you to confirm that these were your family." The past tense sends a shudder through Santana's frail, injured body. The burns at her back tingle and tears threaten to overflow. She nods not trusting her voice to produce the proper sounds.
The guy gives her a sympathetic look, a look Santana would soon learn to hate. She grips her arms like her lifeline and takes a deep breath to steady herself when the guy slowly pulls the sheets down. Bile rises to her throat almost as soon as she sees the remnants of brown hair so familiar and excruciatingly painful. She feels a little bit of her soul being torn apart. And this time, she couldn't stop the tears.
"She's suspected to be Tiana Lopez, your sister? Is this she?" Santana hears the voice like it's from faraway. The question doesn't register even after the full minute. She blinks hard. She opens her mouth to answer the question but instead, she grabs for the pail ready beside her and pushes out the food left in her system. Nurses come and they offer her water which she gratefully accepts. She fills the burns open and bleed but more than that, Santana feels a stab to her heart. She downs her water and takes a moment to steady herself at least in order to be able to answer the question. Santana holds her breath and looks back up at the body, recognizing half of the face as her sister.
"Yes." She chokes out, the pain almost unbearable.
But they move on. From Tiana, to her mother, and father. She barely recognizes her own dad, a person who's been there for her every step of her life. The only thing that helps her identify him is his birthmark the shape of an S on his palm.
Santana walks out of the room in tears, smelling of vomit and blood. She walks through the hospital hallways in pain, wishing nothing more than her own death. The white walls reply to her plea with nothing but deafening silence.
Santana closes her eyes, feeling the memory open barely healed wounds. She feels it access a chained and bolted part of her mind, unleashing a memory, a ghost, a shadow of her pain. She wonders why she agreed to accompany Puck when she knows that this was going to happen.
"S!" A child's voice yelling out her initial snaps her out of her pain and she looks for the source of the voice. She spots familiar black hair in the crowd, and an even more familiar face.
"MIGGY!" She calls back. The boy starts running toward her, discarding the warning hand that tried to stop him. Santana bends down and opens her arms. Miguel wraps his child arms around Santana's neck, gripping with everything he's got. Santana hugs him back, chuckling happily. She pulls back after a little while, properly sizing up her cousin.
"You've gotten big, mi primo. I missed you!" Santana ruffles his hair and Miguel smiles his big toothless smile.
"I missed you too, S!"
"All these years, and you still can't say my whole name?" Santana smirks at the glare Miguel's giving her.
"It's too long! I saw Kwi!"
"Quinn?"
"Yep!"
"Miguel? I told you not to run off." The woman's stern voice freezes Santana. Of course. How idiotic of her to forget that Miguel would be here with his mother. She pushes herself to stand up just as Miguel is picked up by her mother. The woman hasn't changed a bit since the last time she saw her which was here in this exact location.
"I don't know you! We don't know you!"
"We're not taking her in, Richard. She doesn't deserve a home."
"Shut up! I am not the bad guy here. You are! It's your fault they're gone! All of this is your fault."
"You're worth nothing."
Gabriela had turned her back on her when Santana needed her most. She blamed her for everything that had happened disregarding the fact that maybe Santana's hurting so much more than she is. Santana would never forget that night. She would never forget how someone even if that someone is your family can turn their back on you when you need them most. Quinn had been there to witness her last moments with her 'aunt' and that's why it was she who took her in and cared for her.
In all truth and reality, Santana fears this woman more than anything.
Her heart aches and the band-aids holding her together rip slowly. And just like that, Santana's bleeding again.
"Come on, let's go home, Papa's waiting in the car." Gabriela turns them both around, not even glancing at Santana's direction. Miguel however, looks longingly at her but Santana waves goodbye at him.
"Bye, S!" Miguel waves back tearfully.
Santana watches them walk away.
Just as Puck returns, Santana's keeping tears at bay. She looks at him and Puck thinks that he's never seen anyone so lonely before.
"You okay?" Santana shakes her head no.
"I have to go." She husks out. Puck lets her.
"Hey, gorgeous." Caleb greets Quinn as sits down on his side of the table. Quinn blushes and Brittany squeals like a fan girl. "Hey, Britt!"
"Oh, don't mind me. Go on with your business." Brittany says, waving the attention off. Caleb smirks.
"Don't mind if I do." Caleb leans in to the unsuspecting Quinn and he succeeds in kissing her cheek right and ducking just as Quinn's hand come up to slap him.
"Caleb, what the hell!" She exclaims, flushed and embarrassed. Brittany giggles until Quinn glares at her.
"Oh, stop it. I know you loved it." Quinn blushes like crazy and Caleb laughs heartily.
"Santana laughed today." Caleb looks at his blonde, incredulous.
"Really? Well, I'll be. Is the world ending anytime soon? What happened?" Brittany flushes and suddenly takes great interest on the plain tissue in front of her.
"She happened." Quinn gestures to Brittany. "Thank you for that by the way. It's been so long since she laughed genuinely." Brittany smiles, blushing.
"Thank you for letting me in last night. I am sorry about that by the way. I didn't mean to barge in to your house that late. I just felt like she needed me to be there."
"And she does. Even when she says she doesn't. She sure as hell does." Caleb says. Brittany nods, committing his words to memory.
"Where in the world is Santana anyway?" Quinn asks, smiling. She notices Brittany glance at her phone as Caleb shrugs.
"I've been texting her but she's not answering her phone."
"Don't worry. I'm sure she's okay." Quinn says, hoping herself that Santana really is.
/
"You know, there's this thing called appointment. It's relatively new but I'm sure you're familiar with it." Mercedes says as Santana barges into her office. "You're lucky no one's here at the moment." Santana raises a hand, shaking her head. This time, Mercedes notices the distressed state her client is in. She motions for the Latina to sit down on the couch. Santana lies down on the couch, her arm covering her eyes.
Mercedes doesn't push her to say anything for doing so might just push Santana father away from progress. She watches her instead and takes note of the few tears that began to slide down her face. Whatever it is that had happened to her it must be bad for Santana to actually show something other than sarcasm, denial, and anger.
A minute turns into five and five turns into sixty. On the seventy-fifth minute of silence and tears, Mercedes hesitates before opening her mouth. But Santana beats her to it.
"I was happy this morning." Mercedes hears her mumble. She waits for her to continue. "I was happy and then..." Santana doesn't continue. She can't continue, to be exact.
She feels like she's breaking into a million pieces. Santana realizes that she hasn't made progress at all. Otherwise, she would have been able to stand up to her aunt. Otherwise, she would have been able to face her friends. She realizes that she's doing nothing but running away and denying the harsh reality.
Up until now, Santana hadn't realized that she'd just been pushing the bad memories away. But she knows now. It doesn't work like that. You have to face bad memories before you can let go of them.
"You want to know what I feel, right?" Santana looks Mercedes straight in the eye. "I feel like dying every single day of my godforsaken life."
Santana stands up, holding Mercedes' gaze a moment longer before moving toward the door. As soon as the door snaps shut, Mercedes lets out a long sigh. She thinks that maybe it was time to consider a change of profession. But then again, right now, her job is to fix the broken.
Question is, can she help glue back something shattered?
Santana walks amidst the crowded streets until the sun disappears behind the horizon. It felt good to be lost in thousands of people who don't know a thing about her except maybe the fact she's not okay. No one will judge. Some of them, most of them, won't even care. She walks back home afterward. After all, it's the only place she has right now.
"Where have you been? We've been worried!" Quinn says as soon as she opens the door. Santana looks at her and the lifeless eyes scare the hell out of Quinn. "What happened?"
"I went to the hospital today. Stayed outside. Saw my aunt. Got ignored by my aunt. Broke down in a shrink's office of all places. And you couldn't even find the time to tell me that you saw my cousin." There was no accusation in her voice, only emptiness. Quinn would have preferred it if the Latina screamed her head off.
Santana walks past Quinn, too tired to get mad. She thinks that she might not make it to the bedroom before she collapses. So she stumbles her way to the couch. She freezes when a sleeping Brittany greets her just as she was about to crash into the couch.
"She's been waiting for you all day. She's been worrying her ass off." Santana doesn't respond and Quinn gets a little desperate. She really didn't mean to not tell her. Santana was just so happy that morning that she lost the courage to do so. "I'm so sorry, San." Santana turns to her, shaking her head and giving her a small smile. Quinn ducks her head down before walking out of the living room.
Santana stares at Brittany's perfect face.
"You're worth nothing."
"I don't deserve you." Santana whispers. "But I need you." She crawls to Brittany's side, pressing herself to the warmth. Brittany stirs.
"San?" Santana doesn't say anything because hearing her voice breaks all her defenses. The dam overflows and tears flow out. Santana grips Brittany's shirt like it's her only hope.
Brittany feels something cold seep through her shirt and instantly, it jerks her awake.
"Santana? Are you okay? What's wrong?" Instead of a reply, she feels Santana bury herself further into her. Brittany automatically wraps her arms around the brunette.
"Hold me." Santana rasps out through her sobs. Brittany's arms tighten around her and Santana revels in the feeling.
"Let it out, San. I'm here." She lets out a broken sob and Brittany thinks that she'd never heard of anything sound so sad and lonely.
"Don't let go."
"Never."
Brittany holds her through the torment of the night.
A/N: I am so sorry if I've been taking longer than usual. This week's been nothing but stress and it's only Wednesday.
Oh my God. The last chapter had 28 reviews. 28. And I'm pretty sure I'm the happiest writer alive. THANK YOU SO MUCH! The alerts reached a hundred already. I love you all. For the anonymous reviews, I hope you know that I'm just as thankful and I hope to hear from you in this chapter. I'm not kidding when I say the reviews made me super happy. I wonder how much response this chapter will get. ;) tell me what you think people. You guys are doing great at keeping me away from a writer's block. Again, I love you guys and this chapter is dedicated to all of you. You guys are holding me up way better than I can hold myself up.
Brittana (Soulmates!),
theangel1710