Shine Chapter 12: Words Unspoken Things Undone, a glee fanfic

Chapter 12: Words Unspoken and Things Undone

It's excruciating.

Santana drops to the hard ground, barely processing the pain of the impact to her knees. She pulls back her fist and hits the ground. She pulls it back again and this time she hits the hard stone. It doesn't even hurt. Physical pain is nothing compared to this.

She has no tears. No amount of it could ever make the pain bearable. Her body recognizes the defeat, but it only makes everything a lot harder. The sun is shining obliviously up above. The world continues to spin, life goes on. Santana clutches her chest. Breathing has suddenly become an impossible task. Her mouth is open in a silent scream, her eyes accusing the clear, blue skies. There is no sign of a brewing storm or the smallest of droplets. But Santana thinks that it's raining so hard, that she's drowning. It scares her that she almost wishes that she is. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to move, but most of all, it hurts to live.

She thought that if she did this alone, it would make everything a little easier. She regrets it now, just like how she's regretting everything else in her life. Her mouth closes, her eyes become dull. She feels like she's trapped in this long and horrible nightmare and no matter how hard she tries, she can't break free from it. Santana loses the fight within her. It fades into nothingness. There are no words for this pain. It courses through her veins, her heart continuously pumping it through her entire body.

She stares at the stones, willing them to disappear. But it doesn't and it won't, not even in her dreams. She opens her mouth to speak, to ask the millions of questions that will forever remain unanswered. And for the first time since she tried walking on her own two feet, she wishes for her heart to stop beating.

"Hey, T, Mami, Papi. It's me, Santana."

"S! Wake up, wake up! I have something for you!" Tiana jumps on the space beside the still-sleeping Santana. She cracks her eyes open, slightly glaring at her sister. She sleepily squints for her bedside table where her alarm clock is. It flashes 5:06am at her. Santana groans.

"It's way too early for this, T. Go back to sleep." Santana says before rolling over to her side, silently praying her sister would leave her alone. She exhales in relief when she stops jumping on the bed but instantly regrets it when she hears a barely audible sniff.

"But… But… It's Christmas…" Santana sighs. She rolls again this time to face a teary-eyed Tiana.

"It is?" She asks with a smile. Tiana pouts and crosses her arms.

"Yes! How could you forget?" The little girl drops her glare and instead tugs adorably on Santana's short boxer shorts. "Come on, get up, S. We have to open presents!" She says, eager again. Santana chuckles to herself before sighing.

"Alright, alright. Go sit in front of the Christmas tree, then. Are Mami and Papi awake?"

"Yep!" Tiana says. "You'll follow, right?" She asks, looking doubtfully at Santana. She rolls her eyes.

"Yes. I promise." Santana says. Tiana is gone before she can even finish what she was saying. She throws her legs off the bed and grudgingly drags herself to the living room where she sees her dad in a similar state.

"Merry Christmas, Mami, Papi." She says as she flops down on the recliner beside the couch where parents are trying not fall back asleep.

"Merry Christmas, mija." Maria says, with a sleepy smile. Carlos gives her a smile, too sleepy to actually reply.

"Presents, presents, presents!" Tiana exclaims. "S, you go first. I have something for you!" The smallest of the Lopez family runs energetically to under the tree and digs out under the boxes of presents a small, badly wrapped gift. She hands it to Santana with a big smile on her face. Santana accepts the gift graciously all the while eyeing the knowing smile now gracing her parents' faces.

Santana shakes the package close to her ear. She pokes the package around, smirking slightly when Tiana begins to whine. Finally, Santana rips the package open and is surprised when something thin and silver falls to her palm.

It was a silver bracelet. It had an engraving and the message brings a full blown smile to her lips. She begins to ache in all the right places. She looks at her parents.

"We had it engraved at the jewelry store down the street. Other than that, that's all Tiana." Carlos says.

"You're ugly when you cry, S." Santana laughs. But Tiana looks completely serious.

"You are!" She insists. "But that's why I wanted to give you this. So when you trip from the stairs like that time when you were blind or when your boyfriend breaks up with you or when you just feel like being ugly, you'd remember what you have to do." Santana gets up from her sit and hugs Tiana.

"Can't breathe… Tana…"

"Thank you."

Santana's heart is thudding painfully against her chest. They're on a plane going to Lima, Ohio. It's more than five hundred miles away from New York and often, this knowledge used to help her get through her days. She knows that she's only running away from ever facing it but then, she had been so desperate that she didn't care anymore. And for a while, it helped. It gave her space to breathe, to function without hurting so much. It gave her a chance to forget.

But now, every minute that passes on the plane, the more unbearable the wait is. She begins regretting her decision. Barely thirty minutes later, she finds herself wanting to jump off the plane. She feels like her life away from home didn't do anything. More than anything, she fears that she lost the right to stand in front of them.

Brittany senses her uneasiness and reaches out to take Santana's hand.

"Relax. Breathe." She says in that soothing voice she reserves for Santana when she is lost in her nightmares, or on times like this when the brunette could barely breathe. Santana tries to hear Brittany's words. She closes her eyes and blanks her mind. She clears every thought, every worry, every fear, every hesitation, every doubt and instead she focuses on the steady and firm grip of Brittany's hand.

"Go to sleep." Brittany instructs. I'll wake you up when we get there." Which would be an hour after but Santana could care less. She feels that if she doesn't shut down, her mind would probably go on overdrive, and she would probably end up jumping off the plane. So she sleeps. She escapes into the world that could be either her worst enemy or her best friend.

Brittany watches Santana fade into the world of dreams, her tight grip loosening little by little. She doesn't make an effort to pull away. Instead, she tugs it toward her as she guides Santana's body toward her so she could rest Santana's head on her shoulder. Santana, barely awake but still there, doesn't resist.

"I hope you'll be okay." Brittany whispers to her. Santana barely hears it but she does anyway. She takes Brittany's arm and presses it to her side, the warmth lulling her to sleep.

"Hope so too." She mumbles. Brittany presses her lips gently on Santana's hair. A few minutes later, her breathing evens out but Brittany hears the slight stagger in its pace. There's a slight frown on her face and it cracks her heart to think that she's not sleeping peacefully again.

Honestly, Santana isn't the only one who's afraid of what might happen. Brittany had watched her heal slowly. She had watched her finally get the courage to get up and try to take one step forward.

She's not stupid. She knows that this trip can go both ways: either Santana walks stronger than ever or she crumples back to her old self. And Brittany fears the worst possible scenario. Santana had finally, finally started healing and she's not so sure if this will help her heal or wound her more.

Brittany rakes her fingers through Santana's hair gently. She tries to take away the tension in her body that remains even when she's unconscious. She tries to reach out to her dreams, to let her in and let her shine in Santana's dark world.

"She went back to where?" Quinn glares at him as she paces in her kitchen. Caleb is sitting on the counter, the disbelief evident on his face.

"Home, Caleb. She went back to Lima, that godforsaken town." Quinn says. "She told me that she wanted to say goodbye. But when I asked her if she's going to be okay, she shook her head and told me she didn't know. God, what if it doesn't help her? What if she ends up hurting herself more? What if – ?" Caleb grabs her by the shoulders and forces her to stop pacing.

"Okay, one. I'm getting dizzy watching you. Two, way too much 'what ifs'. And lastly, you have to trust her. She needs to do this. She needs to stand on her own again. You know that right?"

"Yes, but… But what will we do if she breaks again?" Caleb pulls her into his arms.

"Then we'll just have to try and glue her back together again. But right now, she needs you to trust her. She needs you to believe that she's strong enough. Stop worrying." He pulls away to look Quinn straight in the eyes. "Okay?" Quinn sighs, worry still shining in her eyes. But she deflates and offers a small smile to Caleb.

"Thank you." Caleb gives her a smug smile.

"I think I deserve something way better than thank you." Quinn rolls her eyes but stands on her tip toes anyway and pecks him on the lips.

"Satisfied?"

"Much better."

Santana's palms are sweating profusely. Her knees are shaking slightly but she's putting up a strong front so Brittany wouldn't worry. They were walking out of the airport, waiting for Brittany's mom to call them.

"Are you okay?" Brittany asks her quietly. Santana turns to look her. There's a worried frown adoring her face and her eyes are shining with concern.

"Yup." She half lies. She gives the blonde a smile and this seems to ease her worry because the next thing she knows, she's launching into a detailed description of her family.

"Okay, stuff you have to remember. My mom stays at home and she's a really nice person. You don't have to worry about my dad. He's fun to be with and he works as a doctor at the only hospital here. My sister, Annie, is in fourth year high school. She's still a child sometimes but not in an annoying kind of way. She's a great friend."

"Is your dad protective?" At this point, Santana begins to worry about something completely different.

"Not really, but he keeps a gun in the drawer in their dresser just in case of emergencies." Santana pales. And Brittany laughs when she notices the change of color. "Don't worry! He'd never aimed it at a person."

"Haven't you heard? There's a first time for everything." She begins to imagine the nice Mr. Pierce in her head pointing a gun at her. Oh God, why did she agree to this again? "Does he know we're together?" Brittany smiles sheepishly. "Okay! I gotta go dig a grave for myself then! Oh God, oh God, oh God."

"S…" But Santana doesn't hear her.

"I don't think you've ever heard of nice daddies becoming mean daddies who points a gun at their daughter's boyfriend slash girlfriend or the fact that oh my God, he's a doctor!"

"San…"

"What if he freaking injects me with anesthesia while I'm asleep? And then he opens me up and takes my insides apart? What kind of a doctor is he? Is he a surgeon? Oh my God, what if he is?"

"Santana!" Brittany comes to a stop, trying to get Santana's attention, still busy worrying about meeting the parents.

"And your mom! She stays at home, right? So she cooks. Knives." Santana deadpans. "What if she decides to throw them at me? What if I say something wrong? Wait, what the hell do I even say? Why the fuck didn't I worry about this sooner? I should have written my will. Goodbye happy days…" Brittany laughs when she starts talking about funeral songs. Santana couldn't hear her so she kisses her right there in the middle of the airport. The kiss lasts for only seconds but it's enough to deflate Santana's tense posture.

"Stop worrying. You're going to be great. And they're going to love you." Santana, too stunned to formulate words, nods her head.

"Brittany!" A spitting image of Brittany breaks the bubble of the couple.

"Mom!" Brittany's face splits into a smile as she runs to meet her mother halfway. She throws her arms around her waist, reminding Santana of children who cling to the legs of their parents. It' the first time she ever witnessed something so adorably childish. Mrs. Pierce had a content look on her face, a look that made Santana miss her own mother more than ever.

She stands awkwardly two steps behind the reunion. Not knowing what to do, she focuses her attention to her shoes, taking the utmost interest in them. She doesn't notice the two women let go of each other or Mrs. Pierce coming towards her. Before she knows it, she's in the arms of Brittany's mother as if they've known each other for a very long time.

Mrs. Pierce had seen her standing awkwardly and she instantly felt sorry for the girl. Though she looks better than she had expected based on Brittany's stories, she felt like the girl is too skinny for her own good. She notices the almost invisible bags under the brunette's eyes and Mrs. Pierce can't help but understand her daughter's passion into fixing her. Something inside her moves as she remembers how she looked like when her own mom died. The pain was almost unbearable and she can't help but wonder how Santana is still alive and holding on.

"You must be Santana. My daughter talks about you a lot." Santana shoots Brittany a panicked look and when she gets a reassuring smile in return, she pats the older woman on the back. Jesus, why does everything feel so awkward, she thinks.

"Nice to meet you, Mrs. Pierce." She says when she pulls away. Grace Pierce looks exactly the same as Brittany except for the eyes. She had deep and striking brown ones and as she looks at Santana straight in the eye, she can't help but cower a little bit.

"Mom! Stop scaring her." Brittany moves forward to poke Santana's cheek. "You should have heard her not more than ten minutes ago. She actually thought you'd throw knives at her." Grace laughs wholeheartedly.

"B!" Brittany gives Santana an innocent look. Santana's cheeks are flaring in embarrassment.

"Don't worry, dear, I don't keep knives in my pockets." Grace winks at her.

"Sorry." Santana says obviously at a loss for words.

"There's nothing to be sorry about. I assume you guys are tired having to wake up early? Lunch is ready at home. Let's go?" Grace smiles kindly at the couple.

"See, I told you, you'd be fine." Brittany whispers to Santana's ear. The brunette scowls at her.

"I hate you."

"Oh, you love me." Brittany laughs when Santana scoffs.

During the ride to Brittany's home, Santana finds herself confused between being glad that she's back home and dreading it. She avoided this place as long as she possibly could, thinking about was too painful then for her to handle. But now, looking out the window of the backseat, she notices that nothing had changed. Someone is still throwing shit at someone in the streets, gangs are still smoking in the most dangerous streets, and people still seem to care a little bit too much about another's life.

Suddenly, the familiarity of it all hits her hard. The streets are too familiar as if she'd been walking through the same streets all her life. And she realizes that they're driving through the same streets she used to go through to get back or to get away from home. Santana almost loses her composure when they round a corner – the second to the last corner before she rounds another one and she's home.

Santana shuts her eyes hard as they near another corner. She prays as hard as she can because she's not ready. Not yet. Her heart is racing and she's not sure if she's going to either pass out or vomit as the last memory she has of that house invades her mind. It was nothing but raging flames and burnt flesh. Memories turned into ashes, life turned into nothing. She could hear the blood rush into her body. Her fists are clenched on her lap, waiting for the dreaded turn.

"San? Are you okay?" Brittany's voice pushes her a little closer to the edge. She cracks an eye open hoping Brittany could see the torture in her eyes. She can feel the tears burn at the back of her eyes and it takes everything she has to stop it from falling. She's cracking.

Brittany watches Santana as a million emotions flash through her body. She's stiff but shaking and there's something in her eyes that tells the Brittany that something's awfully off. She makes her way to the backseat just as Santana bows her head.

"Mom, can you pull over?" Grace, who is aware of the shift in the atmosphere, follows her daughter's wish. She watches as Brittany clambers hurriedly over to Santana's side.

"Santana?" Grace calls to her softly. Brittany takes a fist into her hand when she doesn't respond.

"San? Please talk to me, you're scaring me." She pries the hand to open.

"Sorry." Santana's voice comes out hoarse but there's guilt behind it that she fails to conceal.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Brittany asks softly. Santana opens her eyes as she gasps for the air. The pain is clawing at her from her heart to her throat. She seems unable to say the words. But Brittany squeezes her hand comfortingly, trying to channel some courage into her. Almost like a child who's cowering in her bed from the supposed monsters in her closet, Santana surveys her surroundings.

They had stopped right in the corner.

She wants to look away so bad. But the shock overrides her judgment and it renders her numb and unable to control her body. She feels a million things at once. She falls over the edge and the tears drop. Brittany's saying something she can't hear. Everything is happening too fast for her to comprehend, to even ready herself. Painfully, she makes an effort to look at Brittany.

The look in her eyes scares Brittany more than anything she'd ever seen before. Her eyes are wide and Brittany could see the sheer panic, the raw pain.

"S…" Brittany watches the tears fall effortlessly from her eyes as if Santana has lost control over it, as if every part of her is crying in agony.

"I – I used to live there." Her voice cracks towards the end. The mask drops and Santana is left bare. Brittany turns to look at the window and she doesn't know why but she's suddenly filled with dread.

After almost three years, nobody bothered to set foot on the property. It's apparent in the way the burnt fence is still lying on the sidewalk as if it were crawling away from the disaster. It was like watching a black and white movie. But the difference is everything is black, literally as if the life was sucked out of it. There were no windows and the door is nowhere to be found. The second floor is gone and the only hint that there was a second floor is the cement posts standing.

For the first time, Brittany is close to understanding Santana's pain. She feels like her heart is being wrenched out for the lifeless house. Try as she may, she fails to imagine the life that once radiated from it. She can't see lights, can't hear joyous laughter. All that she can conjure is a scream very much like the time when Santana got sucked into her nightmares and lost grip of reality. The scream in her head multiplies tenfold.

Brittany hears a choke and she worriedly turns around to look at Santana. Her gaze is still at the house, the tears now a waterfall of sorrow.

"I used to live there." Santana chokes out. "B, I used to live there." She whispers so painfully soft that Brittany almost doesn't hear. Every minute feels more painful and the earth is shattering beneath her feet but at the same time it holds her there as steady as ever as if it's willing her to look, to see. Santana thought the world is cruel but right now, as it fails to grant her wish for it to open up and swallow her whole; she thinks it's ruthless and cold and unforgiving.

Brittany takes her then, the tears falling from her own eyes. She engulfs her in her arms as if trying to protect her from the pain but failing to do so. Santana crumples in her arms and it's worse than anything she'd ever witnessed. Brittany fights off the fear that she's going to lose Santana to herself. She reaches out, she holds her hand, she presses the shaking body to her, she combs through her hair, she's doing everything she can to reach Santana but the brunette's tears are unstoppable. The tremors in her body don't cease. Brittany meets her mother's gaze hopelessly, silently begging her to tell her what to do. But Grace is at a loss, unable to comprehend how someone can handle so much pain. Brittany had never seen her mother look so old and sad. But in this moment, she sees the unshed tears shining in her mother's eyes and breaks Brittany even more.

Grace tears her eyes away from the image of her daughter in tears because of another's pain and Santana trapped in an agony no one can save her from. She starts the car, willing herself to stay strong for both girls. She takes them away from the horrid image.

Santana turns in Brittany's arms catching a last glimpse of what used to be a place of safety and of happiness. It's tearing her apart and old wounds reopen, bleeding like it is what it's meant to do all her life. She grasps Brittany's shirt and it scares when even that fails to ground her back to herself.

"I love you. I'm sorry, San. I'm so sorry. I love you." Brittany repeats it again and again and all Santana could think of before everything becomes black is that she's sorry too.

Sorry that she didn't go back in time. Sorry that she wasn't able to save anyone. Sorry that she's fighting a losing battle. Sorry that she can't turn back the hours when there was only bliss. Sorry that she wasn't strong enough. Sorry that she believes that she never will be.

"I'm home!" The sound of the wind chimes being rattled resounds through the whole house just as Carlos' booming voice followed. Before he knew it, Tiana is attached to his leg and hugging the life out of it.

"Papi!" The child exclaims. Carlos chuckles as she ruffles the little girl's hair.

"Hello, mija." Tiana lets his leg go but now she's jumping around.

"I helped cook dinner! Mami let me stir the soup after she turned off the stove. It was really hot. But it smelled nice and Mami says that it's all because of me." Tiana beams with pride.

"Don't take the credit all to yourself, T. I cut the veggies remember?" Santana says from the kitchen.

"Oh yeah, Sanny helped too."

"Hi, Papi! Dinner's almost ready."

"Hi, dear. Can you please set the table?" Maria says as she sets everything up with Santana.

"Ah, my girls. Always bossing me around." Carlos says with a hearty laugh as her follows his wife and daughters obediently. He sets the table with Tiana in tow, letting her place the utensils on each plate. Within a few minutes, everybody is at the table.

"Welcome home." Maria says before she places a kiss on her husband's lips.

"EWW! COOTIES ALERT!" Tiana says. Santana covers her eyes, groaning at her parents for acting like teenagers. Maria chuckles.

"You'll get them when you get older, mija."

"NO!" Tiana says, her eyes wide in panic.

"Settle down everyone."

"I'm hungry. Can we please eat now?" Santana says. Carlos does the sign of the cross and everybody follows.

"Bless us, O Lord, for these thy gifts which we are about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

"And please provide the needs of others." Tiana adds.

"Amen?"

"Amen."

"I get to pick the movie!" Tiana says excitedly. Santana groans from her place on the couch.

"Please, dear God, pick something that is not Finding Nemo." She says. Maria places a pacifying hand on Santana's thigh, silently asking her to be nice.

"Did you hide the tapes?" She whispers to Carlos who pales. Maria sighs.

"Sorry." Carlos whispers back. They watch all in amused and dreaded silence what Tiana will pick for their movie night. After a moment, the little girl stands up from her place and turns to look at them, the ever toothy grin splitting her face.

"We're watching Marley and Me!" She announces. Mr. and Mrs. Lopez plus Santana sits dumbfounded on the couch.

All of them haven't watched the movie so by the end of the movie especially on the part when Marley's owner is saying goodbye, all of them were in tears even though Carlos and Santana desperately tried to hide theirs. The movie was heartbreakingly beautiful.

"I think I prefer it better if you picked Finding Nemo." Santana says with a sniff. They fall asleep side by side that night, as if it's their first time realizing what they have.

"I loved him, S." 15-year old Tiana sobs into her sister's arms. It was her first breakup and Santana wants nothing more than to pummel the bastard. But she can't. Not right now. Tiana needs her more.

"I know. I know." She says gently, rocking her sister back and forth. Tiana bawls her eyes out a little more and for the next ten minutes, Santana whispers comforting words to her.

"He's not the right one, T. You deserve better. You know that. Someone will love you back just as much and maybe more. Be strong." She whispers the words again and again until the sobs fade into sniffs. "Are you okay?"

"No." Tiana says. "I want ice cream." Santana chuckles and her sister glares at her.

"Tone down the glare, squirt. Come on, let's get you some ice cream." They spend the night on the couch watching chick flicks and crying their eyes out. They're mom joins them somewhere in the middle and just like that, Tiana feels a little bit better as the night wears on.

Grace tucks Santana in on Brittany's bed as her daughter hovers protectively.

"I didn't think it was this bad." Grace says, honestly dumbfounded. She watches as the tears continue to fall from Santana's closed eyes. She's unconscious but the pain persists even to her dreams.

"What do I do?" Brittany asks in a small voice as if ashamed that she could do so little. Mrs. Pierce takes her in her arms, rubbing her back gently.

"Hold on, honey. Don't let her go. She needs you now more than ever. You know that, right?" Brittany nods, trying desperately to steady herself having been exposed to something incredibly traumatizing. "Now, come on. We have to explain this to your Dad and Annie."

"But…" Brittany looks at Santana's restless face, unsure of what to do.

"Let her be. She needs time to find herself again." Grace says softly. Brittany sighs, defeated.

"Sometimes I wish I can just take her pain away."

"I know, dear. But you have to trust her to let the pain make her a stronger person. Believe in her. Trust her."

"I do." Brittany bends to kiss Santana's forehead. The frown on it loosens up a little and Brittany sighs in relief. At least she can still do something.

They tiptoe quietly out the door, shutting it as quietly as possible. As they make their way down the stairs, Mr. Pierce meets them halfway.

"How is she?" Grace only shakes her head.

"We don't know." She answers honestly.

"What happened?" Annie asks, genuinely worried for her sister's friend. Her sister obviously cares for this person as she watches Brittany look down forlornly at her feet, the image of the pain Santana's eyes imprinted in her mind. Annie places a hand on her sister's shoulder willing her to tell them so that they'd know if there's any way to help. Brittany looks up to the concerned eyes of her family, her eyes brimming with overflowing emotion. Santana doesn't have this kind of family anymore. Only then is Brittany able to understand how lonely it must have been and how lonely it must still be.

Brittany tells them everything. From the first time she met Santana to the nightmares up to the point not more than two hours ago when Santana had been unexpectedly exposed to one of her greatest fears without enough time to prepare herself. It's painful to relieve everything but Brittany knows that they deserve an explanation after they were caught unprepared for such a sad thing to happen.

"Will she be okay?" Annie asks quietly as soon as Brittany finishes. There's a sadness in her sister's eyes that she tries to understand but cannot actually do so. Brittany shakes her head, unsure.

"I don't know."

Puck flops down on his couch, content after a satisfying Chinese takeout. It's a rare free day. No paperwork, no meetings, not even a single phone call from the firm. He picks up his controller intent to play his heart out. Video games are his secret obsession. Since he was a teenager, his mom could never pull him out of the room when he was playing. He would often spend his savings on new games. He even did pool cleaning just so he can buy a new game.

Adrenaline pumping and the excitement making him look like a kid, he is about to press the X on his controller when his phone rings.

"Goddamn it. Cock block." He mutters under his breath, intent on yelling his guts out this bastard who dared interrupt him on his video game time. He rummages around the couch trying to look for his cellphone. He finds it under the cushion. His glare disappears however when he sees the name flashing on his screen.

Satan Lopez

His eyebrows knit together trying not to worry so much. Who knows, maybe she's just calling to offer him a threesome. The idea makes him smile like he's won the lottery and quickly [resses the green phone.

"Yo, Lopez! Are you finally offering me sex?" Puck says.

"Puck." The tone of her voice snaps him out of his perverted thoughts. He listens intently and not more than a minute later, he hears what sounded vaguely like choking back tears.

"San? Are you okay? What's wrong? Where are you?" He hears a sharp intake of breath from the other line and he curses inwardly.

"Lima, Ohio." She says hoarsely. Puck thinks about it having heard about the place somewhere.

"Wait, isn't that where you used to – … Oh." He gets the connection and the realization of why she must be calling hits him hard.

"I'm at Brittany's house. She's downstairs explaining my fucked up life to her family." She tries to sound strong but she fails miserably. Her voice cracks and it's obvious enough that Puck notices it.

"What happened?" There's a long pause at the end of the line and if it weren't for the sniffling sounds, he would have thought that she hung up on him. Puck waits with clenched fists, frustrated that he can't do anything but.

"I saw… the house." Home seemed to be a faraway word right now and she can't bring to describe the pile of ashes and rubble as a place where she was once content and happy with her family.

"You weren't ready."

"No."

"Shit, I'm sorry." Puck puts his face to his hands, genuinely feeling sorry for his best friend that might be the closest thing he has for a sister.

"What do I do?" The desperation in Santana's voice rips him apart. "I can't… I don't think… I…"

"Breathe, S. Calm down. Cry it out first." He instructs gently. He hears her take a few deep breaths, no doubt trying to stop. "Are you okay?"

"Dumb question." Puck flinches.

"I'm sorry I disturbed you, I couldn't call Quinn. That girl's worried about me enough. Caleb's probably with her. So I'm left with you."

"Gee, thanks for making me feel like I'm worth something." Pucks jokes.

"You're not." Santana teases back weakly. It was half-hearted and it sucked ass but Puck's just glad that she's trying to pull through.

"You know what you have to do, S." He says, suddenly serious.

"I can't."

"You can!"

"Goddamn it Puck, I just cried my fucking eyes out and I really don't want to do that again." Santana says as harshly as she can. But Puck is unfazed.

"Listen. I'm not saying it's going to be easy like a walk in the park because it's not. It's going to hurt like a freaking bitch."

"God, you suck at pep talk."

"Let me finish." He says insistently. "You have to. You need to go and see them. It's part of accepting it. And besides, they've probably been waiting for you for a very long time. Do you really want to keep them waiting still?"

"They're dead." Santana says this time with venom.

"They're not. They're in you."

"You sound like my fucking shrink." Puck sighs.

"Look, I'm betting you have a lot to say. You have to stop being such a pussy and man up. They're you're family, S. What the hell are you so scared of?" His words hits Santana hard and fast and she falls silent. Puck listens, ready to retaliate for any argument. They are herfamily, Santana thinks. They're the same people she spent her entire life with. They're the same people she argued and laughed with. But the difference is they can't reach out and hug her or talk to her. There are so many things she wants to ask them, to tell them. But she's scared that it won't do anything. She knows he's right. She needs to do this for her to be able to move on and let them go. Because maybe, just maybe, she doesn't want to do this because it means that she's letting them go and starting a life on her own.

It scares her. But then again, what doesn't?

"You should consider a career change. Maybe a shrink or a guidance counselor." Puck laughs.

"You're welcome, S." Santana smiles for the first time since she saw what used to be her house.

"Thank you." She says quietly and sincerely. She hears the sound of video games and chuckles. She ends the call and stares at the ceiling. She could still hear Brittany struggle her way to explaining her life and it breaks her heart that she's going through that pain because of her.

"Let her be. She needs time to find herself again."

And she does. If she wants to live an easier life, she does. Ever since Brittany came into her life, she had wanted to protect the girl. Those who want and did make her cry will suffer. After the bastard Mason, no one had dared to even try to insult Brittany. It was an unspoken rule. But now, she's breaking her own rule being the coward she is. She's in tears because of her – because she's too scared to face her fears.

"Sometimes I wish I could take away her pain."

Brittany thought she was unconscious but really, she just didn't have any strength to even open her eyes then. Dialing Puckerman's number was nearly an impossible task since she could barely see through tears. Hearing her say those words gave her a feeling she can barely describe. All she knows is that it makes her want to move past this chapter of her story and start a new one, this time with no tears with Brittany. Her phone beeps.

Stop lying around and get your ass out there. You're gonna be fine, Lopez. You're badass remember? I'm losing my game worrying about you and it's pissing me off. So do this for me babe and be strong. - Sexgod.

Santana smiles a little. She can hear the sincerity behind those words and she thanks whatever higher being there is for giving her Puck. She pushes off the covers and plans to sneak out. Brittany and her family has worried enough about her. This is something she must do on her own.

She finds them almost instantly, her feet leading her into the cemetery as if they know where to go even though she had never set foot in it. The identical headstones look back at her.

Carlos Lopez, August 9, 1958 – March 21, 2009.

Maria Lopez, January 16, 1960 – March 21, 2009.

Tiana Lopez, November 5, 1991 – March 21, 2009.

It's excruciating.

She had no tears. No amount of it could ever make the pain be bearable. Her body recognizes the defeat but it only makes everything a lot harder. The sun is shining obliviously up above. The world continues to spin, life goes on. Santana clutches her chest. Breathing has suddenly become an impossible task. Her mouth is open in a silent scream, her eyes accusing the clear, blue skies. There is no sign of a brewing storm or the smallest of droplets. But Santana thinks it's raining so hard, she's drowning and it scares her that she wishes that she is. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to move, but most of all, it hurts to live.

She thought that if she did this alone, it would make everything a little easier. She regrets it now, just like how she's regretting everything else in her life. Her mouth closes, her eyes become dull. She feels like she's trapped in this long and horrible nightmare and no matter how hard she tries her everything isn't enough to break free from it. Santana loses the fight within her. It fades into nothingness. There are no words for this pain. It courses through her veins, her heart continuously pumping it through her entire body.

"Hey, T, Mami, Papi. It's me, Santana."

They answer her back in silence and Santana almost gives up. But no. She gathers up the last of her courage and smiles. It's a little broken and definitely sad but Santana's sure they'd understand.

"I'm sorry it took me all this time to come here. I just … I wasn't strong enough yet and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough now. I'm sorry." The wind blows and suddenly everything feels like they're listening. It gives Santana a little more courage. She's being ripped apart by the words she wants to say. And she feels so tired of holding them back that she lets them flow out, unrestrained, unfiltered. She begins with her long list of apologies.

"I'm sorry for the times that I said I hate you. I'm sorry for the times when I left the house and didn't go back until the next morning. I'm sorry for ever making you guys worry. I'm sorry if I wasn't there when you needed someone. I'm sorry I wasn't a perfect daughter or sister. I'm sorry for the times we argued and I talked back." She gasps for breath but she's not done yet.

"I'm sorry I didn't go back. I'm sorry I couldn't save any of you. I'm sorry I lived and you guys had to go. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye. I'm sorry that I feel like I didn't tell you guys 'I love you' enough. I'm sorry I couldn't let anyone of you go. I'm sorry for… for everything I wasn't able to do and didn't do. I'm so sorry." Sorry had never meant anything to Santana up until today. Now, the word feels like a knife being stabbed straight to her guts, injecting her with regret and guilt. She grips the grass under her, trying to steady herself.

It hurts. It hurts more than she had expected. Death means something more than just pain. It means loneliness, agony, sorrow, tears, pain, anger, guilt, regret, life.

"It's not easy you know. Living without a family. I walk in the park and see them all the time but all I can think about is how much I fucking wish I didn't lose mine. We could be laughing in an alternate world. We could be watching movies and dealing with simple heartbreak. But in this world, no. It's far from that. Here I wake up in the morning still hoping that you, Mami, will be up cooking my favorite pancakes. And that Tiana would barge into my room pushing me off the bed. And Papi would beg for coffee as soon as he gets up. I'm still hoping it was a horrible nightmare. But it's not and I had to live through that. I don't blame any of you. I just wish that this didn't happen. But it did and I can't do anything about it even though I so badly want to." Santana no longer thinks about the words. It comes from deep within her scarred heart, pouring her soul out.

"I'm not here to make you guys feel guilty. I'm here to say that…" She takes a deep breath. Her eyes are tearing and some of the tears has managed to escape. "…that I love you and I miss you every single day of my life.

"Papi, we're so much alike. We hate mornings and we rely on coffee to keep us alive. We love Mami and Tiana and would do anything for them and I love for that. But most of all, I love you because you loved me despite of who I am. I love you because you protected me. I love you just because you're my dad and no one can replace you." She wipes a tear.

"Be brave, mija. If not for you then for the people you love."

She hears his voice in her head and it makes her heart skip a beat. It's only a memory of what used to be but God, it's more than enough.

"Mami, we fight sometimes. But you were there to cook food for me on late nights and for that time when I was so heartbroken over a breakup. You were there to sing me lullabies when I had nightmares. You were there to guide me through my life and I can't thank you enough for that. I'm crying right now. And if you were here, you would wipe it away and tell me corny jokes. I miss that. But it's okay. I love you still, Mami. I'm sorry I didn't say it soon enough." Santana turns to the last headstone and it becomes the hardest yet.

"I love you, Santana. And nothing can change that. You can love whoever your heart chooses and you can count on me to love you through all of it. I'm your mother and I'm not going to throw that away no matter what. I'll be at your wedding and dance with the girl you're going to marry. I'll teach her how to make your breakfast and I'll always remind you to love her with your life."

"T. I'm so proud of you. You're my one and only sister, the best sister I'll ever have and the bestest best friend anybody can have. We fight like cats and dogs sometimes but we watch heartbreaking movies and cry over it together more. I can't tell you just how much I miss those times. Remember, Bicentennial Man and how we could finish our popcorn because it was drenched with our tears? I miss it. So much. But you're not here anymore and it hurts but it'll be okay. I love you, T. I hope you know that." There's no stopping her tears now, she's almost there. She feels a dull throbbing in her chest but more than that, she breathes a little easier.

"S? I'm here okay? I'm here to be Super Tiana when you need me to be. We'll eat a while tub of ice cream together and I'll make you laugh as hard as I can. So please stop crying. Super Tiana's here for you."

"San?" She hears the voice of the love of her life and she whips around. The blonde has tears in her eyes but Santana doesn't care if she heard her. Brittany comes closer and drops down to the ground next to her. She takes Santana's hand in hers and gazes straight into brown pools and Santana hears the 'I love you' that she's trying to say. Santana smiles at her, tears still falling. Brittany feels something heavy lifted off her shoulders and she wonders if Santana felt it too.

"Mami, Papi, T? Meet Brittany. She's part of the reason why I'm here now and why I'm able to live through it all. She's the girl that I love and she's the girl I will someday marry if she wants to." Brittany blushes but smiles nonetheless. She turns to the headstones and if Brittany didn't know any better, she'd say that they were smiling. The sun shines brighter than before and everything feels a little bit better.

"Hi, Mr. and Mrs. L. Hello, Tiana. I'm Brittany. You're probably worrying about your daughter and sister right now but I promise to love Santana with everything I've got. I promise not to hurt her and even though we may have fights in the future, I'll still love her through it. I promise to take care of your daughter and sister. I promise to give her everything she deserves and more." Brittany says sincerely. It doesn't feel so sad now and Santana can feel wounds healing. It's slow but it's more than enough. She stands up from her place on the ground, pulling Brittany up with her. She turns one last time to the headstones and the wind blows. She could almost hear them and she closes her eyes, taking in the moment. She opens them again and she can still feel the pain but there's love in her too and an acceptance she'd been searching for for so long. The storm stops and she feels warmer, more alive. The tears ceases to fall and this time, when she smiles, it reaches her eyes.

Brittany had never loved her more than she does right now.

"Thank you for everything. Thank you for giving me the chance to live. I don't want to say goodbye because I know we'll see each other again. So for now, I'll say that I miss you and that I love you." She raises her right hand and waves.

"See you later."

A/N: This is a peace offering for the godawfully long update. I really am sorry about that. This chapter was beta-ed by the closest thing I have for a sister, privatephilosopher. Thank you. If you guys are wondering, the engraving on Santana's bracelet will be revealed in the next chapter. I hope you liked it. this was seriously hard to write. :))

Thank you for the people who reviewed this story and put it on story alert and favorites. For the anonymous/no account reviews, I will address each and every one of you byt the end of the story. For now, know that I appreciate it and I love you guys just as much. Thank you.

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Brittana (GLEE LIVE 3D),

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