The Mockingjay and the Albatross
Used people - chapter 5
Author: Howlynn
Realm: The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins
Story Title: Used People
Summary: The games in port grow darker. Are they games, lessons or has the imagined become too real? Everybody is a little used at some point.
Character/Relationships: Katniss/Finnick
Used people
Bonus material - warning, may contain any of the following ingredients –(old people, language. Spoilers, Sexual discussion, ghosts, sex, smexy lemons, smutty thoughts, sexual reference, sexual innuendo, reference to past violence, sadness, bondage, violence, dead characters being discussed, alcohol use, caffeine use, reference to man love, unintended exhibitionism, naked people, infidelity, reference to adultery, reference to other persecuted unacceptable sex (threesome), reference to possible non-consent and prostitution -whew the warning alone makes me want to read it again) If you have any allergies to these subjects, please take appropriate measures for your maturity level. Side effects may include but not be limited to: flaming of the author, Pm grouchiness, and unwanted hair growth.
I can't understand what has happened. I have no logic to his actions. We just had sex. I am still full of him and he wants to give me money to have sex. Then it dawns on me. It is what I said to him. If he makes me a whore, he doesn't have to be. He wants me to accept a label I have thrown out there. It is just a label and it doesn't mean he's a terrible person. I honestly thought worse of him when I met him. I thought he was being a slut for free then.
Is he right? Have I got some barrier that makes me feel above him? I was married to someone who survived the same thing. Didn't that count? Was he trying to shame me or make me understand what it was like for him? Is this a trick to get rid of me or did he really feel I could look down on him? What is my issue? Would it bother me at all that he could claim to have paid me to have sex with him? I did it for free? It couldn't be that different. It was just Finn. It is not like walking into a hotel room with no idea who would be behind that door. He would not hurt me. It isn't dangerous, so why had I been so offended?
He wants to see if I can trust him enough to know it will be fine. Or maybe it was just a game to him, until I said no, and then it hurt his feelings. I watch him strolling down the hill. He has not even peeked back at me. If this is so blasted important to him then why not. I don't like the idea, but I haven't liked several of his ideas and they have turned out fine.
I start down the hill, following quickly but refusing to run. I feel absurd.
"Finn," I call after him, "Finn, Stop."
He keeps walking. "Finn, I will do it," I shout.
He stops at once and turns. "You will do what?" he calls back.
"I will do what you asked," I say.
He waits. I catch up to him. I am not happy about this at all, but I don't want him to just end us because he thinks I can't understand.
He waits until I get close. "Say it, Katniss. Tell me what you want."
"I want to join you," I hedge carefully.
He smirks and walks away. "Finnick. Ok Dammit. I will be your whore."
He raises his eyebrows and walks back to me. Slowly he reaches into his pocket and clasp between two fingers he holds the money out to me, daring me to take it. I reach out slowly and my fingers close around the money. I hold it in my hand, staring at it, hating it. I know my face is as red as can be. The money in my hand feels sickly and poison.
This is a mistake, I think, just as I look up into his face. He kisses me hard and shivers of fear run down my spine. I grip the money tightly as he pulls away and looks at me with contempt.
"Now, what are you?" He says with a mean smile. He expects me to say it again.
I meet his eyes, letting my face go blank. "I am a whore."
"Very good. You are a whore. Wasn't so bad was it. You survived that part. Now let's see if you can survive what it takes to earn it."
Fear leaps through me for a second. "Finnick, I…"
"You will call me Mr. Odair, whore. Get moving, you're on my time now." He gives me a mild steering shove. Any desire I had for him fell away and I didn't want him to touch me. I almost handed him back his money, but a sick curiosity kept me silent. He had survived this with strangers, so had Haymitch and Johanna. No matter what he decided for the night, I knew there was an end to it and that it was just Finn. It wasn't like I had to face tomorrow knowing I had to keep surviving. It was a crumb of what they knew. Maybe he was right. If I wouldn't even peek at his world, I did think he was ruined in some way?
"Finn can we…" The crack on my butt was loud enough to make onlookers glance at us.
"Do I need to get a leash to lead you? One more word and I will. I will parade you though this town. Nobody cares about what people do to whores, you know. Nobody will help you or feel sorry for you now. You exist to please me and nothing else."
Tears welled in my eyes. For a moment there is a look of empathy. He smiles and winks, then takes my arm firmly and we head to the hotel. We enter the room and I just stand there not having any idea what to do or any will to do it. What this must have been like for him, as just a teenager, with strangers, sinks into the pit of my stomach.
He yanks my dress over my head without ceremony and makes comments about my flaws, always addressing me only as whore. Finnick is breaking my heart. He grabs my breast as if feeling it the first time and looks me over again. "You'll do I guess."
He takes off his shorts and kicks them onto the dresser. He fixes a drink and lights a cigar, ignoring me. I didn't know Finn smoked cigars. They smell bad. He hands me a drink and tells me, "Bottoms up." He refills it three times. I am glad of the alcohol to stop my disgust at him right now. I will take a lot more to stop making me feel dirty.
He flops down in a chair and spreads his legs wide. I just stand here, thinking there isn't any way that he could be meaning for me to be enjoying this. I can see the amusement in his eyes as I just look at him.
"Well I didn't pay you to stare at me. Get over here."
I walk to where he sits. He reaches out and clasps my hair, pulling me down.
"Get on your knees. Begin here." He indicates what he is expecting.
I open my mouth as he demands and after a few minutes I have just become meat. There is no pleasure or enjoyment. I feel nothing arousing or intriguing. I endure the activity, honestly bored and tired of it. He is watching my face and I don't care. I won't let him see any emotion and I absolutely refuse to cry. Finn is a stranger to me now. He and his reeking cigars are horrid.
He moves me from one position to the next and I have never wanted to do anything less in my life. Things that would have sent me into noisy, eye rolling delight have all the appeal of a medical exam. I hope each time he groans and takes gratification from me that we are done, but he is at something else within moments. I feel no love for him. It is just not there inside me. Antipathy fills the places affection had been safely growing. I don't even like him. He will get exactly what he paid for. Then he will get exactly what he wants. I never want to see him again. I will find another boat up the coast. He made me feel alive once, but it is gone now. I feel dead inside.
As the dark outside is joined inside, deepening each passing hour, I refuse to look at him. I don't move to leave. I don't care if he speaks to me or not. He does things I have always found magical and they just feel slimy and disgusting. Without Haymitch and the rebellion, this would have been my life. He has me on my knees again, stroking me the same way he did over the stone. I close my eyes and try to remember what about that felt so amazing. I sigh. Will he ever be done?
He goes to the restroom and I just sit on the bed slouched over staring at the floor. He stares at me for a long time. "Katniss?" I don't move. "Katniss, baby?"
He kneels down and looks in my eyes. I just look through him. He doesn't matter. He bought rights to my body but I will give him nothing else. Whatever his lesson was, I have learned it well. "Katniss, you haven't responded to me once. We are done with this. Baby, I love you. I didn't mean it to turn out this way. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have thought this out better. This is my demon, not yours"
He tries to put his arms around me and I fling his hands off. "Done." I say. I put the dress back on shaking in my desire to be hidden from his sight. I sit in the chair, pulling my knees up like I did when I was a girl. He stands there looking at me, eyes wide.
"Katniss look at me." He says suddenly.
I shake my head and refuse. His orders to me are done. An evening of torture is done. My view of anything that involves him is done.
"Katniss, everything I think you are feeling right now is normal. Where you are, is where I have lived most of my life. Baby?"
"It doesn't matter. I don't want to be here. I don't have to talk to you. I don't ever want to be with you or even see you again. Love, friendship, all of it is over. We are done. For good."
"No. Katniss, no. Don't say that. Please…." He is on his knees trying to make me look at him. He is coming toward me as if to soothe me.
I begin to back away from him, crawling no place in the chair. "Get away from me before I end you Odair."
"You don't mean it baby. Just come here and let me hold you. I will make it all better, just come here and…"
I kick him as hard as I can. I keep kicking. He takes the blows in shock. I keep kicking every time he nears me. I pick up his heavy glass ashtray intending to use the sharp corner to bash his head in. I am not quite fast enough and he grabs me by the arms and pulls me forward, to him. I hit him in the back with the ashtray, but it slips from my hand on impact. I knee him in the thigh, missing my aim. I stomp on his arch and in my fury my face bangs into his chin.
He throws me on the bed and lies on top of me trying to manage my outburst. I head butt him again, more solidly this time, hoping to cost him a couple more teeth. One hand suddenly free, I try to scratch his eyes out, but his years hauling nets has given him much more strength then I have. I have let my own anger beat me. I let myself get cornered. I was not calm and now I have effectively lost. He rests oppressively on top of me speaking sweet words that mean nothing, while he restrains me. I twist and scream. He puts a pillow over my head to muffle my screams.
I try to keep fighting but he isn't doing anything as straining as I am. He has all the leverage and he patiently tries to calm me down. I am having none of it.
I buck and kick and do everything I can to get force nevertheless he controls me. I am out of breath and out of energy. He pulls the pillow away. His breath is ragged too. At first I think it is from the struggle, but then I feel him, wanting me again. I struggle again, wild once more in determination and he clamps his hand over my mouth.
He lets go of my hands and I feel him slide his free hand up under the dress. I hit him renewing my frantic attempt to escape. "Katniss, you have to stop. Please, It feels so good when you struggle. Knowing you hate me and I can't ever have you again. Please stop…" He begs.
I come out of my frantic struggle and I see him. Finnick Odair does not look in my eyes, that lost little injured boy has surfaced at last and he is losing his mind. There is forty years of built up suppressed desire in that face and he's shaking as he growls for me to stop. The look in his eyes is completely different from the last hours. I am too sore to take him again, yet the thought he will not stop, floods me with burning desire left over from hours of stimulation and no release. I make the choice not to stop fighting him. He has pushed me way beyond my boundaries tonight. I am pushing back. I twist my head and hiss, "I do hate you. I hate you for this."
I may never be with him again after tonight. The harm may be too big. I don't know. But I do know the monster bubbling out of him at this moment and what it has cost him in life. It may have been a long time ago, but he knew I was shot in the head when he decided to carry me to safety. He risk everything for a lost cause. When he covered my body with his own, all those years ago, he paid for that action with his own flesh.
I would kill anyone else for what is about to happen. For Finn, I will make this happen. I will make him lose control. "You knew what making me your whore would do. You did it on purpose. You knew I hated every second of it and you fucked me anyway. Just like you want to now. Get off me."
I try to shove him away and he crushes the air out of me as he lets himself free again of the shorts he'd just slipped on. I let the panic in my eyes egg him on. I thrash around no longer doing him any real damage and as his knees force my legs apart, He whispers. "You can't stop me. I can't stop me. I am sorry. I am so sorry, baby." His eyes roll back in his head as he slams into me and he doesn't even know that I am wet with this lust for him to be free. He has lost all pretense, all control and all ability to care if what he does is good or bad.
"Stop. You twisted bastard. I hate you. You can't do this. Get away from me. No" My voice is cold and cruel.
"Katniss. I'm sorry. I can't. I can't."
He thrusts so hard, I cry out with each one and yet I begin to meet him. I am watching him with a melting revulsion that borders on pity. There are too many years of devotion for my heart to have been thoroughly cleansed of every stray drop of warmth for him. I moan in anguish as I realize the hurt is shifting into the frame of the forbidden.
The spasms begin in my stomach and each time he drives into me I lose any ability to fight. For just a second, the world dissolves. I open my eyes to sweltering green. I can feel the jungle around us. The Quell reaches across time for me. I see the faces of the other tributes pressed against the barrier in horror and I know all of Panem is watching me be raped by Finnick Odair. It hurts because it must be my first time, but the pain and fear is bitter mixed with sugar, becoming delicious. I can't hide what is happening to me. They will know I liked what he did and the shame will take all dignity from me. The fire will burn me away as I convulse, but I can't stop. I begin to shudder. I have lost the will to battle on.
I am in his arms, dieing of gunshot wounds, and there are so many things I want to tell him. "I love you." But it is muffled by the way I am coming apart in his arms. "I love you" I say again to him and there is something wrong with him. His face is brilliant red and every vein has popped out as if he's in the middle of a painful death. I see fear in his eyes and I cry that I love him again as he, teeth gritted, begins to make a wheezing sound of pain. It goes on so long I think he really is dying and try to force him off of me. He clamps me to him and the warmth floods me as his violent twitches subside. He is melting iron turning to dead weight on top of me. He is breathing again and sobbing silently in my neck.
"I am sorry. I tried to fight. I didn't get a choice. They hurt me. It all hurts forever…"
My arms encircle his shoulders and I cry too. I cry for the man who showed me the true power of despair and who finally lost control beyond anything I could envision. I cried for them all. Not just Haymitch or Finn, but for every single child who died in the hunger games, but even more, for those of us who were forced to live.
He fell asleep in that position. He cried himself to sleep in my arms. He cried himself to sleep inside me.
I sleep in pure black velvet. There are no dreams. There are no stars. The weight on me holds me down safely.
I feel like my body has gone far away. Most of the nerves have stopped working and I wonder if I have fallen in the mine. I speculate if we will be rescued. I can't breathe for the pressure. I crack my eyes open, but I am not dying like my father. Finnick has crushed me to him like a child squeezes a stuffed toy against the night. I hurt with every experimental movement. "Finn?" I say softly, patting his shoulder. He bolts to his knees staring at me in horror. He has a big black eye, claw marks all over his face and neck and several of my footprints bruising nicely.
His face crumbles as he looks at me. He looks so much like I remember that day he scooted to his knees and took in the bullet wound in my head. I didn't know how horrid it had looked then, but later I saw how hopeless the wound appeared. He looks exactly like that now. He knows there is no chance. In minutes I will be gone. His face is pure anguish and horror. "Oh Katniss. No. Noo. Oh baby, no…so sorry"
"Don't be sorry. Are you ok?" I look him straight in the eye and keep my voice calm.
"What…Me? Katniss, your face…I…" He says no more just shakes his head in misery.
"You don't look so pretty yourself. Good thing it's not why I love you." I grin. I touch my lip and the finger comes away bloody.
He opens his mouth but only a grunt sound comes out, as his brain is clashing, full of the memory of last night.
"I will be right back." I dash without the slightest poise to the bathroom. When I return to the room, Finn is dressed and lacing his boots.. "Hey. I am just going to take that back off of you."
"I don't understand." His eyes hit the floor and stay there, his voice a raspy whisper.
I move to him and slip my arms around him. I make him look at me before I speak. "We learned stuff Finn. I know what it feels like to deal with some of what you lived. That safe little glimpse nearly broke me. I can't imagine how you survived strangers. Last night was awful for me even though I love you. I just had a moment's taste of your years. I don't have to wake up every day and live in that bleak place you must have. You found out what it's like to be so lost you can't stop. I saw you Finnick. It wasn't right, but it pulled you out. You were so taken over by it all that you were outside control and reason. I saw you."
"You saw what? An evil, selfish bastard that would destroy any good ever handed him? I was no better than they were. I am no better than every one of those heartless, wicked, raping, murdering monsters. I am a monster Katniss. I never thought I was a monster. Now, I know I am. I must have always been..."
"No. You are not a monster. You are a good man. You are worth saving. You are worth all of it."
"No, I am not and you have always been a fool. I am a whore, nothing more. Now I am a monster too. I am unforgivable. I am cursed." Finn states so full of grief he can't seem to breathe.
"I am a whore. I am a whore just like you now. You are not a monster. I am not better than you Finn. You are no more a monster than I am. I never understood the fear. It hurt my feelings you didn't trust me. It hurt my feelings that you put this wall there. I knew what I was doing when I crossed it. I could have stopped you, if I really wanted to." I smile at him and shrug a little.
"Baby, you did trust me and I blew it. I hurt you, not just physical. I don't blame you for anything you decide." He is so humble and hopeless.
"I decide it was a little out of hand. We should have had some small rules that we both agreed on. So that is a mistake we should not repeat. Now we need to see if it translates to regular us. We need to make you lose control. But not like that again. Now we have to find something softer that will do it."
"Katniss, how can you be so calm about what happened. If we had had weapons, we could have killed each other. I hurt you." He is holding his arms out like if he touches me he's going to break me.
"If you don't take me back to bed and kiss all my booboos I am going to hurt you. We had our mad sex and our make-up sex is next." I kiss him on the nose and yank off my stinky tattered dress. I hop onto the bed and glare at him as if he's keeping me waiting. "Do you want a shower first?"
"That might be nice. I could use a different kind of hot water." He says still waiting for me to drop the next bomb.
The water helps the stiffness setting into both of us. He says he's sorry until I threaten to wash his mouth out. He cries more. I hold him, exactly like he'd tried to do for me yesterday when I had lost my mind. We cleanse each other of the blood and even the darkness. The make-up part is all sweetness, timid and tender. It has to be gentle, to accommodate our booboos. Kissing and holding hands, we head back to the boat. People hardly give our matching black eyes a second look.
Finn pulls us out of the dock and I stand comfortably on the bridge in another much more modest outfit he has bought me. The other boats seem to like being in our way and it takes a while to finally get back to our world of desolate freedom.
Once we get out of traffic, I dangle the necklace I bought him. "To remember yesterday." I smile.
"You thinking I will ever forget it, Mockingjay?"
I shrug. "You may get senile."
His eyes dance with merry light. "I keep you around, heart attack is almost guaranteed to get me long before old age." He bends down and I fasten the necklace on his neck.
"Are you saying that I am going to kill you with my demanding appetites?" My voice is flirty and low, as if that is maybe my plan.
"Yes. You will manage what hundreds of capital women could never do. You will turn me to mush then kick me in the heart. But, I am also thinking that a single day with you is worth the same as all the rest of them put together, without you. So, I will take my chances. There are worse ways to die. Without you, would be my greatest horror." He kisses me on my forehead and on my black eye.
"Didn't seem so hard when you walked away yesterday."
"I was always pretty good at bluffing." He says out of the side of his mouth.
He lets me drive again when we get away from Cannery Coe. I think I could love this old rusty tub of bolts. We fly, bumping the ocean instead of gliding on it. I swear the boat likes it too. She seems to relish the fact we are dangerously out of control and that I am letting her have her head, free to gallop.
"Is this why they call you Flying Finn?" I yell with a laugh. "She spends more time in the air than the water."
"Aye. She has six times the power of a regular trawler, reinforced twin planing keels. At slow speeds she displaces the water, but once she hits her stride she rises up and cruises like a yacht. If her engines fail she has emergency sail power. I designed her to fly rather than swim unless she is working or loaded. The permanent rudder allows me to maneuver her at high speed, while the drop rudders will turn her on a dime at low. The booms and wenches give me flexibility to fish surface or mid-water trawls. She may not catch the eye like she did once, but don't let that deceive you. I know everything about her and she responds to me. We trust each other. I have out run storms that capsized friends and I was back around to pick them out of the sea before they got puckered. I can't keep a crew anymore; they think I am too crazy and dangerous. Too old. Me taking off with you, the Mockingjay, our Founding First Lady, the mother of three national level politicians and four minor authorities, there will be terrible fallout to this. Hope you are prepared." He says, seeing something in the ocean and adjusting my speed to the slightly different wave pattern.
"So you pretend to be a dry old fisherman but you are still a playboy with a toy?"
He sighs and shakes his head. "Or, you could say I am a forward thinking person who is well prepared for many challenges. How about a man who appreciates fine engineering and good lines."
"You are good at bluffing Finn." I tease, "If everyone thinks you are crazy, why aren't you?"
His eyebrows rise. "Who says I am not?" he crosses his arms and leans on the rail.
"I say you're not." I am trying to be serious. I see the waves narrow and I drop the speed slightly to adjust her.
Finn smiles with approval, raising one eyebrow. "What do you know, everyone always said you were crazy."
"Maybe they are the crazy ones. Maybe they don't get our sanity?" I cross my eye and stick out my tongue.
The sea smooths out and he goes into his teacher mode. I learn to turn and maneuver her. There is more to it than just steering. Finn tells me all sorts of stories of the maritime world. It is like being dropped into a new universe. He tells me things about reading the ocean, but it all looks about the same to me.
"I like your stories Finn, but the one I need to hear about is why you and Rue don't see eye to eye anymore. I swore she fell in love with Nicky because it meant a life here and I know she is a difficult person, but when it all occurred, you were the one behind her. You could never do wrong in her eyes. Haylee says this difficulty isn't new?"
"I should not have allowed them to marry. This has not been a happy place for her Katniss." His face is hard.
"Why did you allow them to marry, knowing everyone felt it was too fast?"
"Selfishness. If we were related, I would see you. You would never drift away. I don't mean it in any way that I hoped to sweep you off your feet. But things were changing."
"No they weren't. I would never let you fade away. You were my friend. How can you say they changed?"
"You were rarely here. I missed you. When you asked us to let Rue come here that summer, we were thrilled. Annie and I never had girls so Rue was the treat of the decade to her. She just fit here somehow. Nicky and she were always flirty. It seemed to just be the natural course of things."
"But, Finn, we sent her away to get one boy out of her head and within two months, she is married to your son." I laugh astonished, "Are you seriously telling me that was ok with you, just so you would see more of me? We were friends."
He grins. "You were friends with Auntie Jo too. How long had it been and her just up the road? It wasn't the only reason. We walked in on them. Hell, everyone walked in on them. You would have thought they invented it. They were exercising no care. My son was playing the games of a man. He wanted her pregnant. It was marry them, separate them, or face you when my boy put a baby in her."
"So you married them and faced me with that news?"
"Aye, here on this very boat. Fine day it was." He smiles fondly.
"Not for me, it wasn't." I say, still hurting all these years later at the fact I had missed my own daughter's wedding.
"Well, if it makes you feel better, I have regretted it deeply." He says turning red.
"Regretted it how?"
"I want to gather my thoughts on that one." He says cautiously.
"I never understood the rush. They must have been taking some manner of precaution Finn. Five years, almost six before young Flynn arrived." I say shaking my head.
"Looking back it seems a poor idea. When my son told me his intent, and she beamed at him with her little starry eyes, I threaten to force a marriage. I didn't expect them to be so enthusiastic. I took my son to the side and Annie took Rue. We told them it was only proper to wait. We spent two hours lecturing. Caught them at it within three hours, then again that evening. Again in the middle of the night. I got up the next morning to the sound of moaning and gagging. I walk in the bathroom and she is bent over being sick. My son was at her. During her heaves." He says turning even more flushed.
My mouth opened to speak and nothing comes out but a Ha sound of astonishment. I look at him and he erupts in a chuckle. He can't control the grinning that keeps flickering across his face. I burst out laughing thinking of the two teens caught in such a position. I can't help it, the thought of Miss Proper caught in such a situation, just tickles me at this point in time.
"He was…while she was throwing up?" I choke. "What did you do? Holy crappoli. That must have been the funniest thing –"
"Not at the time it wasn't. I was so mad I could have killed them both! Annie calmed me down a little. She thought it was funny too, but by that afternoon, she was busy sewing a dress. We tried to call you but there was some mix up. That night I didn't even bother to stop them. Annie gave up on sleeping with the racket and went to the kitchen to bake. The next day we loaded up the Boat, decorated her with lanterns and lace and married them under the stars. Jo's husband, my Uncle, walked her up from the main deck to the wheeling deck and fifteen minutes after the little cake was cut, they were in the cabin and the boat rocked all the way home. You didn't miss much you could call a photo opportunity."
"Well, I have to give her a big heave-hoe on the freaky-deaky. I never considered doing that while I puked." I say shaking my head with my hand over my mouth, still fighting the urge to snicker myself sick.
"Katniss, I was a whore for nine years and averaged four to six appointments every single day if I was not on the board with tributes or in the repair shop myself. I have seen a lot of things. That was a unique experience for me. The part that just turned me to lava was that they were not even embarrassed. They…continued. Nicky says, keep watching old man, maybe you can pick up a few pointers."
"He didn't," I gasp.
"I was assured by Rue her feelings were well aligned with my son's."
"She said something horrible, didn't she?" I remember her at that age.
"Yes."
"But you aren't going to tell me what it was?"
"Nope."
We have more grilled fish for lunch, as we drift with the currents. He has set drag anchors that make the boat stay steady. I catch him watching me. He touches the dent on my head that I just got used to and never had cosmetically repaired. "You still get your headaches?"
"Yes. Not often, but when they do show up, they can be pretty bad. The kids think it's because I am old and fragile and delicate. They want to keep me locked up in a safe little old lady box and if I was ninety that might be fine. But I am still young enough and strong enough to live a little. I get how you feel. When did we let the children become the parents?" I open my mouth and show him my chewing, like he and I had done back in district thirteen when we were deemed incapacitated.
He giggles and takes a fork full of fish and misses his mouth by two fingers, but pretends that it is stuck in his cheek. He sticks his tongue out trying to lick it off from its location. This is an old routine of his, but I laugh insanely because he hasn't done it for me in at least ten years.
"So what are we doing today Finnick Odair?"
"Is there anything you would like? In particular?"
I squint at him. "I like being here, with you. I don't need entertained, I was just wondering if we were going to fish again or anything?"
"How would you feel about rubbing the kinks out of each other and letting the sun bake us a bit. I want your conversation today. I want to hear your voice and be gentle with each other today. I don't understand yesterday, but I do know you will never wear another shiner or fat lip from me. I will never take a chance of harming you like that again" He tosses his fork down to emphasize his words.
I gave him a rubdown, using oils and buttery creams. When it was my turn, Finn took me apart with his fingers, stretching the muscles and kneading away the pain. He took his time and I literally felt like time was skipping in me. "Finn, you melt everything." I say deeply relaxed.
"I what?"
"You melt things. My heart, my body, my muscles, my control, even time. You melted time yesterday. In the end, I was in the jungle Finn. I went back just like I wanted. It was a horrible trip, but I was there."
His hands stop and he sits. I drowsily open my eyes, too relaxed to react more. "My secret. Happened."
He looks down. "I thought it was just me. After you told me what you did, I had been thinking about it. It was just so shocking coming from you, that I couldn't seem to let it rest. Once it came into my thoughts, and you were struggling so, I wasn't just trying to calm you down any more. I don't understand us Katniss. You terrify me."
"Finn, I kept struggling because I saw you. Sex with you didn't break me. It was that you threatened to put a leash on me and by the time we got to the room, it wasn't sex at all. It was nothing. You were nothing to me, because you made me something to be used and thrown away. I know it was a thousand times more horrible for you, but the fact it could happen in minutes with someone I would have died to please an hour before. It brought such despair. I have never had sex that wasn't pretty wonderful for me. I couldn't really understand another kind. I could imagine, but not really. Haymitch used to get really mad at some of the stupid questions I asked him. It was horrid and I never ever want to again, but it made so many things clear. I am not unhappy that it happened."
"It was not me. I was watching it all. I saw your face. You were blank. You were doing your job, just like I used to. I kept meaning to stop it, but the more it, made you feel like me, the more it … I never understood how they could do it. It feels like a terrible drug. A poison, made up of secrets, power and pleasure in a cocktail of pure selfishness. The price was too high Katniss, but it was a gift to know it wasn't what I thought."
"What thought did it change?"
"I….I thought I deserved it. I thought it couldn't have happened if I was not some unworthy crawler. First it was wrapped up in being a victor, but one day it became just because I was born at all. Either I did it or would do it someday, something so heinous that every minute taken from me should be. A punishment for future events."
I nod. " I do understand that now. I couldn't even run away. I needed your permission for it to be over. It was the strangest thing I ever felt…the emptiness."
"I put it away when I got married. But I never dealt with it. It has always been right there, ready to pounce the second I lost control. I accused you of treating me like that and dared you. I didn't see how easy it is to slip into that mindset. It was too powerful to think what it did to you. You agreed. No matter the incentive, no matter the joy of you wanting to please me, the evil of you having to was incomprehensibly wicked. All this time, it was that monster that let them hurt me. It wasn't that I was too worthless to deserve kindness. I have not wrapped my mind around it all yet. My whole past is …I don't know. My student became the teacher yesterday."
"Me too Finn. I can't explain. Somehow there is enchantment on us. Something bigger is working to let us find a different end to our terrors."
He searches my face and nods. I put my head back down and reach out my hand to him. He takes it and kisses it, then holds it to his forehead. I close my eyes, happy to just be in this vast floating peace.
When my eyes opened again, Finn is snoring on our net mattress. I must have slept, which meant I am probably going to be sun burned.
I get up feeling both groggy and refreshed. I go to the tiny head, still burning from our adventures, wondering if I have ruptured any old lady parts.
"Katniss? Katniss…" I hear Finn call in panic. I rush up on deck to see what has happened.
"What is it? What's wrong?" I search the horizon for danger.
He stares at me. "I thought you were gone." He holds his stomach, looks at the sky and exhales.
"I had to relieve myself. Where would I go Finn?" I look around at the endless nothing.
"You might have fallen in, or decided to swim. I didn't warn you of the sharks here and we are drifting in the currents, the boat could out distance you and I…I was dreaming and yesterday…I still can't imagine you could forgive me."
I cross my arms and look at the deck. "Finn, I love you as much as I ever loved anyone. I don't think there is much you could do that I wouldn't forgive. I want us to have that. I want us to have that trust if we can find it. I don't want anything from you that you don't want to give. But once in your life, besides Annie, I want you to trust somebody enough that being with them is more than a job."
"Katniss you have never been a job. I wanted you. I found pleasure in you. You are my fantasy. You are my secret. The thing I desired. It doesn't matter that I can control it. You have always taken me to the edge of it. Baby, I am sixty-four years old and haven't been with anyone in five years. Annie was so…you know how sick she was. You have me plowing you like a teenager. I can barely walk and I would take you again this minute if the opportunity presented itself. You want some magic formula to please me. You are here. That's all it took."
"But last night you would have walked away if I said no. That hurt me. That let the nothing in. If it had been a game. But it wasn't."
"Katniss last night, I should have stopped. I don't know what was in my head. I liked it in the park, not asking you. I wondered what it would do to you if I stopped asking. It was not having the effect on you , but I explained what it was like for me. Six times in a few hours, but I was going to once and for all get enough of you. Six times and then I raped you. That is impossible. After all this time I can't get enough of you. You will leave me and I don't know how I will ever get enough of you."
"I am not going anywhere if you would quit threatening to dump me over the side or abandoning me in some dark scary park. Maybe you have noticed how much effort I put into getting on this great big boat. I can't believe how much I love this. I can't believe that if you came over here and bent me over, as much as I would love to blush and act like a silly girl I would be glad you wanted me. I should be coy and make you work to have me, but your touch made me your whore long before last night. Last night came this close to ruining what you already had. You are so stupid that you are even standing over there right now."
"Aren't you a bit raw Katniss?" he asks sheepishly.
"Yes. Miserable. And if you want me six more times tonight, you will have me."
He crosses the few steps to where I stand. He touches my hair and kisses my head. "What if that was all we had?"
"Is that what you believe? That sex would be like this, if that is all we have? Finn, it's more like worship then something as plain and simple as lust. We are not babies here. If it is just that, it will burn out. We will grow tired of it and go off our separate ways and still I am glad I got to be here with you. I don't care what it is. So long as I can have more of it, more of you, more of the sea, more of your rusty old bumpy boat, I don't even know that I care exactly what it is. I know what I feel. You are the one catching up."
"As long as I live I will love you. No matter what ever becomes of us, I will love you."
"Then from now on you better stop leaving me."
"Only be here if you want to be, Katniss. You will never be a caged bird. I will never force you to stay."
"What if you ask me to leave?" I stand there, eyes pleading with him to never stop wanting me.
"Say no." He whispers in my hair, his lips planting silent kisses all over my head. "Kill me first, or say no."
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This chapter is a little more grit - (biting nails).