The Mockingjay and the Albatross
Author: Howlynn
Realm: The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins
Story Title: Dead Reckoning
Summary: Finnick has a morning surprise for Katniss. At first she thinks he's thought up a new game. He has, and it is deadly.
Character/Relationships: Katniss/Finnick
Dead Reckoning – chapter 6
Bonus material - warning, may contain any of the following ingredients –(old people, language. Spoilers, Sexual discussion, ghosts, sex, smexy lemons, smutty thoughts, sexual reference, sexual innuendo, reference to past violence, sadness, bondage, violence, dead characters being discussed, alcohol use, caffeine use, reference to man love, unintended exhibitionism, naked people, infidelity, torture, reference to adultery, reference to other persecuted unacceptable sex (threesome), reference to possible non-consent and prostitution -whew the warning alone makes me want to read it again) If you have any allergies to these subjects, please take appropriate measures for your maturity level. Side effects may include but not be limited to: flaming of the author, Pm grouchiness, and unwanted hair growth.
I stretch like a cat as the sun flares, too bright, in my eyes. I feel like all is perfect in my life, even though it is technically completely in shambles except for one thing. Finnick Odair and I have been trying to commit suicide by orgasm for four days now.
Our escapades have not been exclusively gentle or exactly wholesome in some cases, but they have been pretty exciting for a woman of unmentionable age. I have told him secret things. He makes them happen. He has been telling me secrets too. We have been living in fantasy. The more naughty things I tell him, the more I remember. I have at least a thousand stories left to play out with him. The more he sees his own desire doesn't break me, the more he is becoming free. The more he trusts me, the less he needs to control.
He's up early and I rub my eyes, wondering where he is. My left eye is swollen from one of our adventures. I breathe deeply in the sea air. I have held my breath my whole life and some harness is gone here that lets me truly fill my lungs.
"I loved watching you sleep. I will miss it." I hear from behind me.
I turn, roll onto my tummy and blink in confusion. "Finnick? What the hell are we up to now?" I smile at him, resting my chin on my fist. He is covered in rope. He is trussed up for me like a prisoner ready for torture. I smile at how long I will prolong this day. I shiver at the thought of his pleas for the gift of release. I would pay him back for torturing secrets out of me the first night.
"It is day five, Katniss. Time's up."
Finnick has himself bound tightly seated on a metal storage box leaning comfortably against the stern hull. I smirk. "Well, I could like this game, if I understood how to play. You have cloths on," I say in a childish sulky voice, like he's cheating. Four knives sit in front of him. I get it, he wants me to cut his clothes off and have my way with him while he is completely at my mercy.
I crawl over to him and kiss him. He kisses me back with such fire, I whine of my renewed want. "Pick one," he says softly with a little smile. I choose a blade and look at him with evil intent. "Good choice."
"So these clothes of yours are kind of in the way Finn. What ever should I do about that?"
"Different game today, baby," he says meeting my eyes with tears welling in his own. "Your clothes are right there. You will want to put something on."
I am confused, but I throw on a pair of shorts and a sleeveless shirt. I have not seen my suitcase since it was flopped onto the deck, days ago. I had to ask him for everything from toothbrush to nail clippers. "Ok. How do you want to play?"
"Quickly, I hope. If you can find it in your heart. You know how to get back to shore. You know the heading. You can find your way home after. When you get close, call Broadie Blue on the Maudie Dog, and he can meet you and help you dock. I have the radio on the band he monitors, just twist the knob. Haylee will get the MockingJo. I can't think of anything I have that you would find worth keeping. I give you revenge."
"You have lost me," I say in confusion.
"Yes. I have, in fact, which is why we are here. For a few days you have been at my mercy. Now I have reversed it. I am at yours, but I do know the outcome. I have guaranteed your safety before we begin. You have wanted my secrets. I am going to give them to you."
I fold my arms and study his face. He looks like he may be sick. He looks clammy and pale. I think back to Peeta, needing to be restrained from time to time over the years and I realize, I never once thought that Finn could have had the same sort of trouble. "Finn, are you having a spell?" My mind kicks into a gear of recognition and experience in these horrors of the past. Even Haymitch had really frightening breakdowns from time to time. I have really frightening breakdowns from time to time.
"In a few minutes, you are going to kill me, Katniss. I did this so I can't fight you. I can't take a chance of instinct taking over. I can't allow myself to cause you harm. If you don't want to watch, just kick that coil of net over the side. It will drag me down and you can tell them I got tangled in it, and I got pulled over."
I laugh at first, still looking at the complex series of knots binding him. "HayLee said you were crazy as a bed bug. I really thought he was mistaken. It would explain a few things though. Finnick Odair, don't be an ass. I am not killing you. You are just having a flashback. It's Ok. Hay and Peeta had it too. How long did this take you? I am never going to get you out of all of this!"
"No, you won't. My knots are tight and true. Tied dry, swelled up wet now. Every single knot I know. It's tradition. A district four shroud. They will keep me bound quite effectively for our needs." He takes deep breaths as if he's having a hard time breathing. His eyes go distant and his face becomes stoic. "I have some things to tell you, baby. No matter how they come out, this is because I love you. You are not going to like what I must say. They happened and I can't change them. We have no hope of any future because of them. I can't go home now. I have had more than I ever hoped for in these last days but I can't keep doing this to you. My scales have tipped on selfishness and betrayal. So this is my way of fixing it. Anything you want Katniss. I am scared shitless you will torture me first, but I am in your hands. I accept anything you want to give me. I will scream for you as long as you need me to. When it's done, you just shove that coil over and it will drag me down and you can forget me."
The smile is wiped off my face as I realize the huge coil of mended net, similar to the one we have been sleeping on is balanced precariously on the back of the boat. It teeters and he is tied into it dangerously. "Finn stop. You really are scaring me. I don't know what you are talking about. I am not going to kill you. Dammit, can't you see how much I love you? I would rather die myself, you fool."
"Yes, baby. I can see that you do. At this moment you do. That is about to end for all time. I don't deserve anyone's love, much less yours. That's why I am so sorry I have to change that for you. When you got here and then I was once again yours, I thought for a moment, that things could be good. But they can't. I have to tell you the truth. I promised I would. I have no hope of anything good, but I will go in peace with myself."
"I thought they had been good Finn? I thought that…you loved me." I am a grown woman about to cry like a little baby thinking he's gone to this entire extreme just to get rid of me. If he acts like a nut job, maybe I will let him off the hook and go away.
"I do. More than you can imagine. Please remember that." His eyes crinkle at the corners, and I swear I could believe him, if this new game were not chilling me with dread.
"No. You can't care about me, if you think for a second that I can survive this, whatever it is. I will not do it. How could you even want that? I will just drive us back. You don't have to do all this to get rid of me. I am ready to go home if that's what you want, because this is insane."
"You should note my ankles. Steele cable. It is anchored in such a way that driving off will begin the show. If it is the punishment you choose, so be it. Drive away, I will be pulled off the back. I am not certain how gruesomely I will be damaged on the way, but it will be efficient and relatively quick. Anything that makes you feel better. I am terrified of that one, which is why I put it on the menu for you. I have always feared drowning. Most of us do, knowing it is so probable. I would rather be stabbed, or have you slit my throat, just for informational purposes. Once you hear what I have to say, you will lose any compassion you ever had for me. Any horror you want to hand me, Mockingjay. I know it is still in you. You still like to kill."
"Nothing you can say will make me want this. You can't believe.." I am getting so mad at him for talking about this as if it is inevitable.
"I fucked your daughter. Maybe, against her will." He says simply with hopeless resolve.
I am speechless. I have nothing to say to his words. I just look at him waiting for him to make the world come back. He keeps looking at me expectantly, fearfully, waiting for me to move or speak. I am frozen.
He looks down and sighs. "I know why Rue hates me and why I detest her. This is why I can't go back. Not ever. Your grand-children. They are my children. Your daughter, Rue, gave birth to three younglings I sired. They are my children, Katniss, not my grand-children."
""Flynn? Shellsea? Joesea? All these years? Finn….no….please …no. " My heart is twisting like a wash cloth. I run to the side of the boat. The hatred in her eyes flashes at me. I vomit, then continue to heave. He and my Rue. Then me in front of her. No wonder. How could he?
"I am sorry Katniss. I am so sorry. I would do anything to make it not be. She kept silent for Annie. She won't now. I am in love with you but I have nothing to give you but sorrow." He sobs. He sucks air quickly and blows it out several times to regain control.
I sit down in front of Finnick. I look at him coolly. "Ok Finn, you have my attention. How could you hurt my baby?"
Finnick's face is shocked that I will even allow him time to explain. "Katniss. Just do what you need to do. You won't believe me and it doesn't matter. It wasn't my choice. But if we go home, she will exact her price. I prefer this and you will feel better. The one I love to be the last thing I see. "
"You love me? You stole my daughter by tying her life to your son. So you could fuck her under my nose? How does Nicky feel about that? Does he watch, like Haymitch did with Peeta? Or do you both at the same time. Did you figure that you could share her like my husbands did me? Like mother, like daughter? Except against her will? I loved both of them. They loved me. They didn't pass me around to be degraded and bred by relatives." I feel dizzy at these thoughts. I stand up again, pacing.
"No. It is nothing like that. Nicky doesn't know. He must never know. You cannot let him find out." He says carefully but firmly.
"You cheated on Annie. You said there had been nobody. You cheated on Annie? I hate you for that as much as I do for - what did you call it? Maybe rape? Did you set her up with Nicky? Two months and you found a way to keep her. Did you make her your slut, Finn? Did you pay her?" I am not shrieking, but I have probably scared the fish away now.
He smiles softly. He shakes his head. "I don't think it really matters what I say, so you can find your answers when you get home. Go ahead baby. There is only one outcome here. I knew my odds."
"Still playing games. This is no Game, Finnick. You say they are your children. Against her will? You make me sick, but you are going to tell me all of it." I am trembling. This all hurts so much. I turn and go into the common lounge, walk to the bar and randomly take a bottle out of the sea-rack. It is dark rum, nearly black with its burnt sugar-sharp flavor. I take it back out the door and sit down in front of him again. I take several long swigs before he speaks again.
"Katniss, this is between you and Rue. The kids never need to know. Nicky need never know. If I go home with you, it will blow up. If I don't, it never will. Make it quick baby, please. Go home. Any answers you need are there." He is being manipulative. I can see his eyes studying me for clues.
I say nothing for several minutes. I see myself driving the boat home alone. Still, I want to hear his version. I want him to look in my eyes and explain how my daughter ended up giving birth to his children. "Start talking before I lose my ability to listen. My answers are here first. You don't get off the hook so easy. You said you had not been with anyone. That was a lie. My daughter Finn. You were there when she was born. You seduced her? When, why? Did you make her feel like a big girl?"
"God no Katniss. Please don't say you could think that of me. I don't know what to say. Nothing I say can help her or you. I wanted to tell you, before she did. I never intended her harm. I was so drunk the first times I didn't even know. I just had a dream about you. I thought it wasn't real. I thought she was you, I swear that. I swear I didn't know it was her. It wasn't even real."
I slap him as hard as I can. His mouth is bleeding. His eyes flick from the blade still clenched in my hand to my eyes and back. "You raped her, but wanted it to be me? Drunk or not, how bad did you hurt her old man." I whisper sweetly. He doesn't answer. He shakes his head confused. I kick him as hard as I can in the gut.
Still no sound, just a grunt of pain from the force. "You raped my child, and bring me out here for a little more humiliation? Too much of a coward to end yourself? Wimp. Needed me? I thought it was a game Finn. Were you reliving what you did to my little girl? Did you hold her down? Did you make her do things for her Uncle Finn?"
Horrible images pass into my mind. They were so close. I remember when she was four years old and he stood laughing in the cold surf, dangling her toes just above the water as she squealed in delight. "Were you her first? Was she a little girl when your lessons began? Did you teach her to please you like you taught me? Is that why she thinks I would have to be a slut to be with you?"
His jaw works, stoic anger filling his face as he stares ahead and stubbornly refuses to say another word. His eyes narrow at my words.
"Did she cry? Did she beg you to stop? Did Haymitch suspect you were molesting his little girl? Is that what the fight was about, just before he died? Did you stand at his funeral, next to me, so you could grunt your enjoyment into her ear as she cried for her daddy? " I purr. I yank his head back exposing his throat. "Bad choice Finn. Should have told me about this, some place you could get away. Surely Haymitch taught you better than this." I smirk with hatred.
He blinks slowly. One tear frolics speedily down his cheek.
Something is rising in me that has been gone for so long I had forgotten it existed. The darkness in me is welcomed home, like an old friend. "Tell me how you liked it so much as you made little Rue take your thrusts and your seed. Is that why you were so intent on her marrying your son? Wanted to keep your little protégé close and convenient?"
"Did you teach my daughter all the things they taught you? The painful hurtful humiliation? Is that why she was letting your son humiliate her, because you had already had? You always were good at predicting me Mr. Odair. I am going to kill you for it. You better start talking Finn-O. While your mind still is in one piece, you better speak. You are going to tell me all of it. I swear it on my soul Finn. Everything or I am going to make this terrible. You will beg to tell me before you go. For every moment of terror and degradation and pain you gave her. You will talk or scream."
A bitter smirk touches his bleeding lip for a second then disappears into a placid neutral face. He closes his eyes, inhaling deeply as if he is peacefully taking in the scent of the sea on the air or telling the sun farewell.
His silence is making me lose control of my anger. My breath is ragged and deep, as that part of me who likes to kill comes alive again. Long gone in the imagined safety of my world, I shiver in a sort of pleasure at the thought of his blood and the smell of death. My nerves twitch as I think of him screaming. "You not only won't ever be pretty again, they won't even know who you were. You forgot who I am, Finn. You forgot who I married. Do you think he didn't whisper his burdens to me in the night? Did you not suspect how bad I can make this for you? Either you need pain, or you are a fool." I caress him. I lick the blood off his mouth, pretending it tastes good to me, promising him with my eyes to do things that will make, even him, find revulsion.
I bring the knife to his chest and slowly let the blade slip into his skin. His breath quickens in pain, but he doesn't make a sound. It is just a deep nick, but I bend my head to the rivulet of blood and I suck at it. I look at him, licking my lips and smiling. "I may eat you alive, Finn. But you will talk." I whisper.
He keeps his eyes locked on me. The fear is gone. I want his fear so much, but his eyes shine at me with love. Sadness, but pure love. I move close like I am about to kiss him. "Maybe we should start with the part you like to use the most." I press the knife up against his crotch. His eyes squeeze closed and he trembles. I let go of his head and seductively use the knife to cut away the material that hides his pride in unenthusiastic infamy.
He is hyperventilating, but says nothing. I touch him gently, waiting for him to respond. His eyes fly open. "That feel good? I want it hard before I…."
There it is. Fear. Plain fear. I smile. "Ready to talk yet, Mr. Odair? Or I can make you wish you told me before. Tell me. How did this happen. Maybe against her will? You think she maybe enjoyed this forced inside her? Do you think maybe she liked it? Three kids, you must have liked it a great deal. Do you think maybe you have any hope of staying silent? Maybe it matters. Maybe quick. Maybe slow. Maybe you talk more and scream less." I have reverted to a capitol purr, enunciating for the effect.
"What do you want me to say Katniss. The damage is done. Do yours. Nothing can hurt as much as you jumping to that thought." His doesn't look at me, but his face is fuming in hopeless terror. The thought alone of what I have just promised to do is about to make him scream. I keep my face friendly and pleasant, watching his struggle.
"You need to start at the beginning." I growl with barely controlled disgust. "Against her will. Where? When? You don't want to leave this to my imagination. Trust me on that one, Flying Finn."
He looks in my eyes quickly changing his mind and bowing his head. He nods. I can see he is composing his thoughts and turn loose of him.
"My son has not always been the best husband Katniss. In the beginning, they could not leave each other alone for more than a few hours. That perfect soon faded. He was a shit to her from time to time. She would sneak on my boat at night and hide. They were young. They were at it so often, it was embarrassing even to me. But when they fought, it was pure hell for her." He says quietly.
"Ok, so they liked sex. Everyone fights. Barely seventeen, newly married, so what. How did it get you in her pants? She'd come hide from him to be forced by you?" I demand.
"Time went on, we expected her to be pregnant any moment. Nothing happened. We told her it was because she was young and it would happen when it happened. Told her not to worry, but time passed and we all knew there was some problem. He acted like it was her fault. He became abusive. Never in front of us, mind you. It was mostly suspicion, except I knew. I had many talks with my son, many talks with her. I told him she wasn't cheating, that she hid on my boat. It eased things for a while. But, they were not newlyweds any longer."
I lift the bottle of rum to his lips and let him have a long drink. I think he would have chugged the entire bottle if I had allowed it.
"She thought a baby would solve things, I guess. She'd tried. She was just turning twenty-one when things got really bad. He and a local girl. She was devastated. I loved Annie with all my heart, but there were times that I could not deal with her spells. I didn't hurt anybody, but sometimes life got so busy and I have always dealt with flashbacks. I would come out to the boat and I would drink until I couldn't see. Pass out and repeat it until I could be around people again."
"So you were drunk and she shows up. Get to the important part."
He nods. "Two versions. Whose do you want first. Mine or hers."
"You pick."
"Rue will say I raped her and blackmailed her. She will say I made her pretend to be you. She will say she was afraid of me and that I used her as a slut for years. That I tricked her or forced her. Hell she could say about anything she wanted at this point and it won't matter. Anything she wants to say is fine. She will say whatever will suit her the most and it is a little hard to refute the evidence she will produce. Her husband might forgive her if she plays the sympathy card just right. Maybe he will, at least I hope. But you will never forgive me. She wins."
I am playing with the knife. The thought of how he's betrayed me makes me want to tip him off the boat all bloody. I could watch him struggling for those last few breaths and feel nothing at this moment.
"Do it Katniss. I see it on your face. I saw it once before."
I glare at him. I lick my lips and give him the smoldering eyes he taught me. "I will, Finn. Count on it. Your side?" I command.
He shakes his head in disgust. With a sigh he says in annoyance. "My side is this. I am passed out. I had a dream. You were here with me and we did the things we always did in my dreams. The next morning, I wake up alone." I look in his eyes and there is no anger, just amused sorrow.
"When she announces she's pregnant, I am as pleased as anyone. My son denied it was his until he was born. He looked so much like him, nobody questioned who the father was. Even my son believed. She stopped needing to come to the boat, and I thought things had smoothed out for them."
I nod once, telling him to continue.
"I am down here working on the engine one night when she shows up with little Flynn. She is acting odd but I am happy to see my grandson. "'He looks just like you.' She tells me, but I don't catch on. 'I want another one.' She says to me. I tell her that she shouldn't worry. They will come. She says. 'He is your son and you are going to help me make another one.'"
"I have no idea what she's talking about. I thought she was joking."
"She goes on to explain that I have two choices. I do exactly as she says or she will go to Annie. I laughed at her and told her she was insane. Katniss, she said I had raped her while I was drunk. I denied it. She said I had been raping her for weeks, but she'd started letting me. She had started getting me drunk so I would. She hoped I would make her pregnant. She thought she could get her husband back with the child he wanted so much. I don't know if I raped her in the beginning Katniss, I have no memory of it at all. She said I did and if I didn't want the whole world to know it, that I better accept that my whoring days were not over."
I look at him with my first drizzle of sympathy. After the things she's said to me, I could almost see her telling him something like that. I sit down, away from Finn and I meet his eyes with more pity then hatred.
"I didn't believe her. I had no memory of it at all. I still don't. I told her to go to hell and never set foot on my boat again. I had no fear of her stupid stories until she told me that I had called out your name over and over. She could not have known that any other way. She was so full of wrath and hatred. She had me. There wasn't much I could say, looking at Flynn. Would anyone believe me? Would Annie believe the whore, or the girl standing there with the baby? Would you believe your child or her rapist?"
I thought of Rue looking at me with that little hateful smile and asking me if any of her siblings were Odairs. She really thought Finn and I had been going behind everyone's back since her childhood.
"We were not as prominent a family since the rebellion. I shunned attention honestly. If she drags me through the media as a violent pervert, it would tow you and Peeta, and my Annie as well. All I had to do was father a second child for her and she would never tell. She told me that Nicky was unable, but he didn't know it. She had retained a sample and had it tested. She laughed at what it would do to us all if she dropped a few bombs about our lives. Katniss, Annie was just getting sick then. We didn't even know what it was. I had nobody to turn to. She had taken you all from me in one giant guillotine stroke."
I chew my lip. I still want to kill him. "The year before Shellsea was born, Finn was that when you tried to kill yourself?"
He looked down and nodded. Then his eyes searched my face and smiled. "I woke up to your face scowling at me."
"It was really over this, had nothing to do with something from the war?" I say this without the malice my voice had contained before. I had heard on the news that Finnick Odair had been found in a coma, accidentally overcome with carbon monoxide as he repaired his boat, and wasn't expected to live. We were on a hovercraft, on our way back to twelve. I made them turn around and we landed in district four, six hours later. Annie had slipped and Johanna was with her. I went straight to the hospital. My mother was still on the board there, so when I demanded to be allowed to see him, though I wasn't family, they did not dare spew hospital rules to me. I knew it was no accident. I knew Finnick too well.
Like Haymitch had done with me, I sat with Finn. He woke four days later. It was nearly four am when his eyes opened. I leaned over him and kissed him then called him a bastard. He laughed at me.
"You should have told me then."
"Really. How would you have reacted? Had a nice chat with her about survival and told her to leave me alone? She was his daughter, Katniss. He outfoxed Lanus Snow. She had it covered if I did tell you. She had tapes. Embarrassing ones. Things that would embarrass you most of all."
"How me?" I ask with disbelief.
"She had footage of you and I in the barracks of district two. She had footage of me with her. And much, much more. She had enough blackmail to force ten people to jump through hoops and swear I was a known rapist. Exactly where your mind went Katniss, she had innocent pictures of her with me, when she was little. She intended to put that very thing in their minds if I refused to cooperate. All I could think of was Annie and you. The day she showed it to me I ran the exhaust into the cabin and I drank as much as I could hold. Didn't count on Broadie, thinking my engines sounded strange."
I watch his face as he tells his story. His eyes are far away as if he is talking about the games. I stay quiet, shocked that my own child could ever do something like this.
"I did what she asked. It took three months. A woman's pleasure increases the odds of conception. I used my skills, trying to get it over with. And I taped things. She wasn't the only one who could play those games. I played them with President Snow. Rue could still destroy me, but I had some ammo. Not enough, but some. I can't say being forced was much of a pleasure for me. Once she was again expecting, all I felt was relief. She had other ideas. I gave in a few times. There is an overwhelming desire for a woman who carries your child. Especially when she is losing power as I prepare my own little blackmail package." His voice is calm but still shakes. "I could use another drink if you would."
I stand and lift the bottle to his lips, he watches me as he guzzles. I know what he's doing, painkiller. I let him drink a lot. "You let her seduce you?"
He didn't want to tell me. " By the time she demanded a third child I told her that, if Annie ever knew, I would kill her. When she conceived, I told her that was all, that I would never touch her again and any blackmail she wanted to use was fine. I told her she would only hurt others because I would be dead or in prison. Annie knew something was wrong. My fishing trips got longer. My kids drifted away, hating me. I failed Annie. I failed you. Love a whore and you get just exactly what you pay for. I don't care if you do it in hate or pity. The last thing I will see is you. Even that is more than I deserve. That's it. The end. Rue and I have danced on urchin spines ever since. Anything you want Katniss."
I nod simply. If this is true, how could I blame him? He would not admit that he'd threatened her while at my mercy, if he were trying to get away with it. He didn't have to tell me. She might have never told me. Even if she did, I might believe him. Liars will take any foolish chance to keep their lie. Still, if she had done this to him, my daughter is a monster. He'd even called her that. Did I raise a monster who had tortured my friend for years? I remembered how they had once been. Rue and her magnificent Uncle Finn-O. But, for some time, everyone had felt the strain between them. HayLee's words whispered in my mind.
"Do you still have the recordings that prove what you say?"
"I do." He says with a knowing smile. "Two sets in fact."
"May I see them?" I ask not sure what he's up to now.
"Aye. The full set goes to her, and the second set, with certain scenes you would find hurtful to watch removed goes to you. Upon my death." He smiles.
I stand up and lean over him. "So I only know the truth after I kill you?" He smiles and nods. I have the blade in my hand. He is manipulating me right now. Maybe he is hoping to save himself, thinking he can slide this horrible thing past me if he plays his game to win. "When did you set that up?"
"In Cannery Coe. To get them off the ship. I should have just given them to you. It would have been faster."
I sit on him, straddling him, facing him. "I am glad you told me. No torture. It was still my daughter. Not going to be instant Finn. I still want to hear you scream a little. Anything else you want to say?" I lean into him. I am going to collect his last kiss to me, let him believe there is no chance. If he is sincere, he may cry, or even faint, but he won't try to talk me out of it. If he's playing some devious risky thing, I can trip him up.
"Send me to Annie, baby. Send me with a kiss, please."
I nod and take his head in the crook of my elbow, to control his thrashing. "Pit or chest?"
"Pits faster." He is hyperventilating, but not struggling.
"Chest then." I say seductively. I move the knife into position. No reaction. I hover just above his lips. "Death kiss." I whisper.
"Katniss Odair." He whispers back and closes his eyes.
Our lips meet and I begin to put pressure on the knife. I know it is hurting him and feel his muscles straining against his mind not to struggle. I broaden the blade a little, increasing the pain, but doing little damage. He stops kissing me, no longer able to hide the ripple of suffering, as the knife makes contact with bone. He eyes are wide open again and he is sweating and hissing on the verge of the first scream. I pull away and his wound bleeds. It gaps open only about an inch, but isn't deep enough to threaten his life.
He is nearly ready to pass out from the adrenaline, and the oxygen he is wolfing into his lungs. His eyes find me and search my face with question. I take a deep breath. "You aren't playing. You actually love me don't you? You let her get away with it? You kept her secrets, when she must have been bringing you such vile wounds?" I am not convinced, but I am no longer without doubt either. He put himself in such danger to tell me, accepting any fate I would deal him. He had to know my ability.
He's seen me in the war. He'd stood beside me as I had killed people with rapture. He knew Haymitch. If he wanted to take the easy path, he could have died without facing me. He could have let us pretend for months. He had allowed himself one last goodbye, but no more. If he had told me and let me attack him, it may have been fatal to us both. I had seen his lethal side up close too.
I take a swig from the bottle and hold it to his shaking lips. It takes a few minutes to get him calmer. He has passed the test. I have to believe him.
"Didn't you ever think it out? If she'd told, it would have ruined her life too?" I ask quietly.
"Not if she is playing the victim, it wouldn't. If she got what she wanted, her husband came home and stayed. If she didn't the worst that happened to her is that she gains pity and respect for surviving the trauma. I lose everything."
He's right. Nobody would have helped a whore who raped his own son's wife. "You lived with it all these years?"
"Annie died, never suspecting. For that, alone, I won't kill her. These last years I have longed for you. I had grown to accept she was desperate at the time. I have even forgiven her and begun to pretend that it wasn't true. She got what she wanted and I know she loved Annie. She was so good to her in the end. She is a good mother to those children as well. But she, of all people, caught us and it made all the threats surface again."
"Finn. If this is what happened, it isn't your fault." I reach out and touch his face wanting to comfort him.
"Fault doesn't matter. I left, certain she was about to tell you. She could take you from me with a few words. You called me on the radio. I assumed you knew, and yet I owed you the chance to say whatever you wanted. The offer you made me, your eyes so bright with the want of me. I know how selfish it was to say yes to you. I don't blame you for what you feel now."
"I don't know what I feel. Used. I feel betrayed. I feel like I don't know anything about anyone. Saving my life has brought you misery." I scoot over to him and take the knife, beginning the laborious task of sawing him out of this mess.
"What are you doing? Katniss. You can't take my side in this. She is your daughter." He says looking at me like I have lost my mind. "There is no winning this battle with her. Please Katniss, think."
I stop what I am doing and look at him. "I am sorry I doubted you. I am sorry for what I said Finn. I don't believe you raped her, even drunk. You were still breathtaking then Finn. I don't know how it occurred the first time, but if you had hurt her, she wouldn't have returned. We are going home and we are going to straighten this out."
"I would rather you kill me than my sons ever know. I don't want the others to know that Nicky isn't their father. It would kill my boy. Nicky loves them. He had a rough start, but he is a good father and husband. Don't take that from him. I'm begging. You can't be that cold hearted to them. Just end this quickly, if you have any heart at all." He is nearly yelling the last part.
"My heart is ripped in two by this. The way you told me at first, I was in terror that I had never known you at all. Finn, I love her, but your version makes more sense. I would kill to protect her, but I won't kill to hide who she is. We will talk to her. What she must live every day?" I let the tears flow a little for my poor baby. She is the child of two survivors. She is living with her choices and it must be terrible. "She has dug herself a tunnel straight to hell. She doesn't have the power to take me from you. I hate it. I hate what she has done to you. It makes me sick for you. It makes me sick for her. I don't understand what could make her that desperate. But, I still love you both." I go back to sawing through the knots.
"You believe me?"
"Yes."
"You must hate me."
I glance at him, but I don't agree or disagree. I go back to his maze of knot-work.
"This was my favorite pair of shorts." Finn says looking down at his ruined clothing.
"If you had been any more stubborn, you might be lamenting another favorite thing. Put it in perspective, those shorts might be less of a worry. Were you scared Finn-O?" I ask softly.
He says carefully. "I was. I didn't fear death, but some of your markers for the journey. I can't say it didn't break my heart to find out how bad it would be. I begged Poseidon for the strength to please you."
"They say love and hate are twisted in us. I could only hate you that much because I love you this much. Next time, just talk to me. Don't make it all this, insanity. Being with you pleased me you stupid squid-brain. This just pisses me off." I frown. I have made some progress but I still have a long way to go. "Finnick you idiot."
He grins at me. "Your mad at me for making sure I couldn't hurt you if you attacked me?"
I am sweating. "You cut off circulation on your hand. This is going to hurt." I cut the binding of his wrist and he hisses as circulation is restored.
"Can you move it?" I ask harshly.
"Not for hours." He says softly.
"Here, help me. This scares the crap out of me Finn. What were you thinking? One wave and you would have been yanked over. If it had happened while I slept, I wouldn't have even…" My face crinkles, wanting to break down. I breathe through my nose and out my mouth to keep from giving in to the tears. "Katniss Odair?"
He smirks. "Last words. Last regret." He is watching me intently.
I look away, not having any idea what he means. "What did she say to you Finn? In the bathroom that day. The day she and Nicky…"
He sighs and tilts his head back, blinking in the sun. I think he still isn't going to tell me. I watch tears roll softly down his temples. His throat works as he tries to swallow them away. "She said If I like watching so much, maybe Nicky would let me have seconds." His face crumples for a second. "I told her she was a slut." He clears his throat. "That was the first time she called me a whore. She said that was the reason I stink like I do."
I watch him for a second. I inhale him. "You smell like heaven Finn." I whisper, meaning it more than I want to.
He tilts his head down again. "Crazy as a Mockingjay after a cat."
"My grandmother used to say that a bird and a fish could fall in love, but where would they live. She never forgave my mother for marrying Seam. I never met her because of what she thought was wrong. I wish I could show her the gulls. The first one that landed in the water? I bet all the other gulls said she was crazy. Prim and I are both grandmothers now. I can't imagine missing out on my grandchildren because of something stupid the parents did." I tell him quietly.
His face hovers above me, hope, love and fear waltzing on his features.
Finally the thick damp ropes are finished. He is free except for the cable. I examine that. "How do I get this thing off of you?" I demand in frustration. I don't want to cry until he is free, but I am so frustrated by how long this has taken.
"I didn't plan for getting out of it." He shrugs.
"Where are the keys?" I finally understand how this contraption works. I finally see he saw only one end here. He only played to lose. I hold up the locks to him.
He chews his lip, looking like a naughty boy. His eyes look out to the water and he shrugs. "Davie Jones."
"Who the hell is he?" I look around for another boat suddenly fearful someone has been near enough to see this absurdity.
He sighs and chuckles. "I threw them in the water Katniss. It seems I underestimated you by fathoms and leagues."
I try sawing the knife on the cable. It barely makes a mark. "So how do I get you free?"
Patiently he explains. "Down in the engine room, are my cable cutters. They are about this long and…"
"I know what they are, Finn." I glare at him.
I am climbing up on deck with the cutters slung over my shoulder, grouching, "Remind me to teach you about planning ahead…"as the first gust of wind rocks us.
"Katniss. Hurry." He says watching the net canter precariously. It is no longer counter-balanced by his weight pulling against the ropes. I have cut them away. He has shed the rope and risen to his feet, but the cable holds his feet together. He makes a grab for the rope just missing it as the huge cone of net tumbles into the water.
I can't believe what I have just seen. He turns to me and the knowledge of what is about to happen is written on his face for a split second before, he is knocked brutally off his feet. He shrieks in misery, as he's drug over the side, silenced before he hits the water. I don't think, but leap after him on the run. The weight of the net is dragging downward faster than I could have hoped to swim. I am lucky to just get a leg wrapped around him as he is almost yanked out of my clasp. I try to thrust the tool into his hand, but he isn't responding in any way.
My eyes open in the brine, for burning split seconds, pulsing the murky visions of death. I see blood. We are going deep too fast. My ears are screaming and it feels like something is trying to press the air out of my lungs. I climb down Finn and after my third try on the cable, instinct whispers for me to let him go. I am almost so panicked that I give in to the want to sob. I decide he may be the most dim-witted man I have ever loved, but I will ride him to the bottom, before I leave him to die. Snap. The cable no longer pulls us and we are instantly buoyant. I look up and whimper bubbles out as I see how far I have to take us up if we are to ever taste air again.
Finns face is calm and one of his eyes is half open. His head is bleeding. The term 'shark bait' pops into my head. In my mind, I beg Haymitch to help me. I plead with Peeta to strengthen me. I pray Annie does not invite him into her arms, just yet.
I swim. My lungs are taking over my will to stop the need to inhale. I am burning inside surrounded by the wet death. Finn is dead weight. We have been down too long. I know I am dying to save a corpse. I may take this risk to drag him home, only to have to watch him be returned to the sea.
Let him go. It is what he wanted. I can only make it alone. I am going to die for a man who raped my child. Do I really want to know the hell that waits in the arms of family, when what they have done is revealed? My mind plays games, trying any tactic to ensure it's continued existence. My heart pounds strong, knowing the right answer. My love for Finn has moved lower, into deep water. He has at last filled my empty heart and as I realize this, I feel Annie near. She guides me up. "You kept your promise to me Katniss. You are my friend. Haymitch said you needed me."
I open my mouth to reply, precious bubbles race upward. I reach for Annie and everything becomes peaceful.
I don't know how I managed to find the blinding sun and be clinging to the back of the boat, with Finn. My muscles quiver horribly as I struggle to get him up and over the side. His body slams onto the deck sounding like something wet and crunchy. I never thought I would be so pleased to watch someone vomit. I fall next to him and roll him to his side. His shorts have come off. He is covered in wounds, and I think I can see the bones on his ankles, but he's bleeding, so he is alive. We are alive.
I haul in the anchor taking precious minutes as I search for the mechanism and it gradually inches up, finally nestling in its place. I cover him in a blanket and I am afraid to do more. I turn the engine over and it seems to know I am not it's master, protesting with extended stubborn will, not to fire up. "Come on baby, Daddy needs you. I will swear to buy you a new paint job if you will just…" She rumbles her powerful thunder, accepting my bargain.
"You are the most beautiful girl in the world MockingJo. Let's fly for your Finn, sweetie." I throttle up and she gives me a breezy dip as we spin with purpose. The wind has made the water choppy and the old girl leaps wake to wake as if she knows it is up to her to save her true love. I keep turning to check on him as the rough water bounces him all over the stern with no kindness or dignity. Blood streaks the deck smearing with the vomit. I want to go down and secure him, but I have no idea how to set the auto controls and don't want to waste a second between here and help.
The wind whips my hair, dark clouds warn of trouble in the distance. The air is chilling but it is keeping my eyes open too. Exhaustion is sapping my coordination and my minds ability to stay awake.
Land appears in the distance. I get on the radio, trying to keep my voice steady and clear as I urgently call for Captain Blue.
"Mockingjay on the MockingJo, positive contact. This is Broadie Blue on the Maudie Dog. Hey pretty lady, did you finally kick Flying Finn over the side so you can come fishing with a real gentleman?"
"He needs help Captain Blue. He's alive, I think, but just barely. Please help me?"
The tone is all business. " Ok, sweetheart, it's going to be just fine. I will get you. Where are you?"
I couldn't respond for ten heartbeats. I took a deep breath and knew I was in good hands. "Captain, I have had land in site for ten minutes, I can see the harbor…"
This was a lot harder to write than I expected. As a Mom you just want to kill him, but as the story unfolds, you know he was the one in the greatest pain. Poor Finn. Is he telling the truth? Could Rue be a monster?
I have really messed with this chapter too long. Hope it isn't too mucked up. Had to make it clear that this really had driven him to almost insanity –combined with loss of Annie – Finn was in a terrible place to have driven the boat off like he did - he's tested Katniss' resolve in many ways –not quite able to push her away – knowing he must –having no hope. I also like it when the big strong girl tries to rescue the damned in distress.
Let me know what you think - Please review?