7. Normality
Something soft was tickling Nick's cheek. He nestled his face further against it and inhaled.
He woke up slowly. He was so incredibly relaxed. His room was bright with sunlight, the clock on the bedside table telling him it was nearly midday.
Charlie had his head pressed up against Nick's chest, his face tipped up a little, his lips parted in sleep, eyes relaxed under long-lashed lids.
Nick watched him sleeping there in his arms and sighed. He planted a delicate, feather-light kiss over his forehead and re-affirmed his embrace. Charlie was so perfect. Why did so many people not see it?
A light breeze from the open window lifted the soft curls gently.
Nick felt the slight change in Charlie's breathing as he transitioned from sleeping to waking. His eyebrows scrunched together adorably, and he made the sweetest little mumbling noise before he opened his eyes and smiled sleepily.
"Morning," he said. "Were you watching me sleep?"
"You looked so cosy and peaceful. You're so cute when you're asleep."
"Hmm…" Charlie hummed, snuggling back into Nick's chest. "As opposed to the rest of the time when I'm unsightly?"
"Can't stand you usually," Nick teased. "Quick, go back to sleep so you don't ruin it!"
Charlie closed his eyes again. "Gladly."
Nick kissed Charlie's bare shoulder. "I'm joking, my love. You're my favourite thing to look at, whatever you happen to be doing… But last night. Charlie…"
At that, Charlie looked up again, the events of yesterday evening flooding through his brain like an emotional whiplash of a flip book. His eyes widened in realisation. "Nick… I'm so sorry…"
And suddenly Charlie was very aware of how sticky and gross he felt. They had clearly fallen asleep after last night's escapade - they had barely talked afterwards they had been so exhausted.
Charlie made to roll onto his back, out from where he'd been feeling so safe between those strong rugby arms.
"W-what are you talking about?"
"Last night…" Charlie screwed his eyes shut. "I can't believe I did that. It was so inappropriate and reckless. I shouldn't have used you like that -"
"Hey hey, Charlie, no." Nick sat up, ignoring the stickiness he could feel over his chest. "You didn't use me, baby."
"But I did though. Not just the - the sex - but at the party too. I shouldn't have made you kiss me like that, just to rub it in Ben's face."
"Charlie, you didn't make me do anything. No, no, look at me, baby." He gently helped to pry Charlie's palms away from where he'd been scrubbing at his eyes. "I wanted to rub it in Ben's face as much as you did. And if doing so includes making out with my hot-as-fuck boyfriend then I'm always gonna be all in. And last night… it was fucking fantastic, Charlie. You were fantastic. It… it makes me so proud of you. I've said it before, but you truly are the bravest person I know." Nick flopped back down and planted a kiss just below Charlie's ear. "And the sexiest."
Charlie let his hands fall to his sides, the tension and the spiral so successfully tamed he felt almost lightheaded. "It did feel good to show off to Ben," he admitted.
"And maybe our incredible sex is an even bigger 'fuck you' to him," said Nick with a chuckle.
"Is it bad that I kind of want to like, text him right now and tell him all about it?" Charlie giggled.
"Only if we could somehow see his reaction."
Charlie turned to face Nick on their shared pillow as their laughter faded into quiet contemplation,
"Ben doesn't deserve to know this part of us," said Nick, serious again. "Not in detail anyway. This is just for the two of us."
"He needs to know that I'm yours now," Charlie whispered, trying for a smile. "Yours. No one else."
"Char… you don't belong to anyone. You're your own person, not -"
Charlie laughed softly and stroked Nick's fringe out of his eyes. "I know that, darling. I'm trying to be romantic. Are you not mine, then? Have I been sharing you with someone else all this time?"
"You're right," Nick sighed. "You are mine. My sappy tree boyfriend."
The floorboard at the top of the stairs creaked in the distant land that was the rest of the house. Nick and Charlie glanced around, aware that the rest of the house was now up and about.
"Crap!" Nick rolled onto his back. "Mum and the others must have gotten home late last night. I completely forgot about them."
"Shit," said Charlie. "Do you think they heard us?"
"God, I hope not."
"I suppose we'll know when we see David," said Charlie. "He wouldn't be able to keep that tidbit of information to himself if he had."
Nick groaned. "It might be satisfying to have my brother know I'm having better sex than he is but… Christ, I really don't want my mum to know."
"Honestly, I think your mum would be fine with it," said Charlie. "Or at least ten times better about it than my mum would be."
They began to peel themselves out of their cosy little nest and started to search for last night's discarded pyjamas. Nick pulled on his pants and looked over his bed sheets in disgust.
"Ugh! I'm going to have to do a sneaky load of washing somehow."
"I'd say maybe we did make a few mistakes last night," said Charlie, pulling a t-shirt over his head. "We really need to shower. Falling asleep straight after like that maybe wasn't the best idea. I'm all gross and crusty."
"How delightful."
"Still cute now, am I?" Charlie huffed, smirking.
"Adorable. Especially since half of it's my crust."
"You're lucky I love you - crust and all," Charlie giggled.
Nick tipped his duvet off his bed and started to strip the cover off. Charlie reached for the pillowcases but then Nick stopped him and said, "Do you mind grabbing the washing basket from the bathroom? I can probably sneak this into the machine now if I do a whole load. You can shower while I'm doing that."
Charlie pouted dramatically. "Hmph. I was kind of hoping we could go together…"
"Charlie! In the shower?" Nick sighed, grinning. "Maybe we can save that for some other time. One when no one else is home, okay?"
"Fine…"
By the time they had both showered and put the bed back together with fresh sheets, Nick and Charlie kind of wanted to just get back into it. Instead, they flopped down into the puddle of sunshine across the bed, laying with their legs still hanging over the edge.
"What do you want to do today?" Nick asked.
"Lie here in the sun with you all day?"
"Hmm… sounds nice, but we have Tao's sleepover later, remember?"
"Oh, shit," said Charlie. "I'd completely forgotten about that."
"Do you still want to go? I'm sure Tao would understand if we didn't feel up to it."
"I'm not sure he would understand, to be honest," Charlie sighed. "But I want to go anyway. It'll be nice to hang out like old times." He turned his head to smile at Nick. "Well, like old times but better because you're here now."
Charlie slid his hand into Nick's where it was lying at his side and Nick turned to smile back. Charlie lifted their entwined hands up between them and kissed Nick's knuckles. And then he brushed the back of Nick's hand against his own cheek, eyes falling closed. The gesture was so tender, so perfect, Nick wanted to cry.
He didn't though, instead he shuffled closer and stroked Charlie's cheek.
"I'm so happy you exist," Charlie whispered, inaudible if they hadn't been lying so close.
Charlie's lips parted Nick's softly, his hand sliding around his waist as they sighed into the kiss. Nick was all toothpaste and warm skin and soft hair in the sun.
"I love you," Nick whispered between kisses.
"I love you," Charlie murmured as Nick lifted him gently, rolling so that he rested comfortably with his knees on either side of Nick's hips.
Charlie had just begun tugging delectably at the back of Nick's hair when his phone started making such a racket, Nick's resulting moan of pleasure could not quite block it out.
They ignored the incessant noise of Nick's inbox being filled in favour of continuing with what was growing into an increasingly heated make out session. But even as Charlie started to rock his hips gently, the phone on the desk would not rest.
"Why the fuck do so many people want to talk to you this morning?" Charlie whined, sitting up.
"I dunno. It's really very rude of them," said Nick. "Don't they realise I have a cute boyfriend who needs to be kissed?"
Nick batted Charlie's hip playfully and Charlie reluctantly rolled off him.
"Kiss me once a day or I'll wilt."
Nick snorted and went to pick up his phone. "Only once a day?"
"At least once a day, then," said Charlie, lying back against the covers again. "What do the people want?"
Nick unlocked his phone to find about thirty notifications, all from the Paris Squad, mostly from last night.
"Oh, crap, that's right," said Nick. "Everyone kind of freaked out last night apparently, after we left. We didn't tell anyone we were going, did we?"
Charlie sat up, rubbing a hand through his hair. "Oh… yeah, I didn't even think - I wasn't really thinking…"
"It's okay. They seemed to figure it out themselves," Nick reassured him, scrolling through the messages. "Everyone says they hope we're okay. At least, I think that's what Darcy wrote… I'm assuming she was still very drunk when she wrote this."
"Well, tell them we're okay," said Charlie. "But… but I really don't want to tell them - what happened. Even if I could tell it again, they don't need to hear it."
"I never expected you to, baby. You don't need to explain yourself to me."
Nick sank back down onto the bed beside him as his phone chimed again.
"Oh," he said. "Tao's replied already. Huh… he said to look at Facebook."
Charlie rested his head on Nick's shoulder as Nick did as Tao instructed.
It was immediately clear why they had been told to look there. The very first post at the top of Nick's timeline was an image post with thousands of shares, comments, thousands of sympathetic reactions.
Charlie blinked down at the face smiling joylessly up at him from the screen. He just about caught the words "Ben Hope" and "missing" and "didn't come home last night" before his vision swam and he had to look away.
On shaky legs, Charlie stumbled across the room to where his own phone was lying beside where Nick's had been. It had shut down completely, so he stabbed at the power button.
"I bet he spent the night at someone else's house," said Nick, frowning as he scrolled through the comments. "And didn't tell his parents where he went."
Charlie sat back down on the bed and went to Instagram. He knew that was the social media Ben used the most. There were a few pictures and stories of him from the party, drinking and laughing with Harry and the others.
Nick glanced over Charlie's shoulder and automatically felt very queasy. "What a twat," he spat. "Were these taken before or after he assaulted you?"
Charlie swallowed thickly. "Probably before. There's nothing after 11:48… but that's not that strange. He probably passed out somewhere - I bet he's still in Otis' parents' rose bushes or something."
"He isn't," Nick said, looking up from his phone again. "Otis just texted me. Apparently, his parents came home, and they were pissed about the party even before the Hopes started breathing down their necks. Maybe I should tell Otis to check the rose bushes…"
Nick nudged Charlie's shoulder playfully, but Charlie was far away, watching the story of Ben laughing and drinking loop over and over… "He's probably still asleep, at a friend's house or something. He had a busy night, after all. He'll probably wake up at like one in the afternoon and everyone will be fuming."
Nick pocketed his phone and wrapped his arms around Charlie, planting a kiss above his ear before cuddling in closer.
Charlie wrenched his eyes away from his phone to smile bemusedly. "What was that for?"
"Have I told you how amazing you are?"
"Um…"
"Because you're literally so amazing, Char. I think… I think I might hero-worship you a bit…"
"Nick! If you start on about Iron Man -"
"I'm being serious! Anyway, you're better than Iron Man any day. I think you might be the best person, full stop."
"I don't see how I can be when you have that position covered."
Nick snorted. "Covered in sap."
"At least it's not crust. I think we've had our fill of that… or at least, I have, anyway."
"Charlie!"
There was a sudden series of loud thumps and thuds from outside in the hall, followed by a series of grunts and squeals that could only mean one thing - David and Portia had opted to actually go through with the activity Nick and Charlie had decided against for the sake of Sarah.
"Jesus," said Nick, scrambling to his feet. "We should go downstairs now so we don't have to hear any more of that."
Nick and Charlie found Sarah finishing off her breakfast at the kitchen table. Nellie padded over to them to greet them cheerfully.
"Morning," Sarah smiled. She did not seem surprised to see Charlie. "I figured you'd be sleeping for longer, so I didn't wait to eat, sorry dears."
"It's okay," said Nick. "It's a bit late to eat too much, anyway."
"Maybe just have brunch then, sweethearts," Sarah suggested, putting her bowl in the sink. "I'll just be in the living room then. Got to get as much work done now while your brother is busy."
She patted them both on the cheek, then left them to it.
"God, David is such a dick," Nick huffed. "I wish he would just piss off back to uni, or else leave his weird girlfriends there next time. Charlie, do you want to go out for brunch?"
It took a moment for Charlie to switch from nodding along in agreement about how much of a dickhead David was, to realising he had just been asked out.
"Like a date?"
"Err… yeah. But really, anything we do together is a date, isn't it?"
Charlie smirked, eyes alight with mischief. "But this is like, an official, capital-D date?"
"No, baby, the capital-D date was last night. This one is just a regular d."
"I wouldn't call it a regular d," Charlie giggled as Nick blushed. "Where do you want to go then?"
Nick shrugged, composing himself. "Wherever you like. I don't mind. Somewhere that does good brunch?"
Charlie suddenly realised this meant food. This meant eating food in a strange place, at a strange time. Nick noticed the definite change in demeanour and quickly ushered them both over to sit on the bench.
"Can I Google it first?" Charlie asked quietly.
"Of course you can."
Nick sat beside him patiently while Charlie scrolled through the recommendations. There was so much choice, and not all of them had menus available online. He could feel his palms itching, the phone becoming slippery in his grasp.
"Is there somewhere you've been before that you liked?" Nick asked calmly.
Charlie shrugged. He couldn't remember the last time he'd actually gone out to eat somewhere that wasn't school or Nick's house.
"What about Tiny Tim's?" Nick suggested. "It's by Costa. I've been there with my mum for afternoon tea before, but they do breakfast and stuff too."
"I've heard of it." Charlie quickly typed the name into Google and found the website. "They have a menu online. This… this looks okay. I think it'll be fine…"
"Sure? Because we can go somewhere else, or I can make us something here or…?"
"It's fine, Nick, really. I want to go out."
Charlie pocketed his phone again and stood up. He tried to take several calming breaths. This was good. This was normal. He could do this. He was brave, remember.
How could he be the brave person Nick and Oliver thought he was if he couldn't even handle a brunch date?
It was a glorious summer's day and so the town centre was packed with families. Nick and Charlie walked along the high street, hand in hand. For once, they hadn't brought Nellie along and in doing so, for some reason, they felt much more vulnerable to other people's judgements. But there were so many people about it was reasonably easy to go unnoticed.
Tiny Tim's was a little tearoom around the corner from Costa, a little off the main high street. They sat down together at a little table in the corner and Charlie waited as calmly as he could while Nick decided what to order.
Charlie watched him across the table and couldn't quite believe he was here. This was the closest to a date, a stereotypical date, he had ever been on in his life. He found himself grinning stupidly and he knew his cheeks must be rosier than the flowers on each table.
"Do you know what you want?" Nick asked, looking up. He blushed at the look on Charlie's face.
"Yes." It came out as more of a whisper.
Nick lifted his menu to hide behind it, having caught some of the gooey feelings Charlie had been smiling about and not being able to stand it. When he put the menu down again, his cheeks were red too.
"We should have done this way sooner," he said. "I've been neglectful of our need for cute dates."
"I didn't think I wanted this so badly," said Charlie. He stretched out a hand so it was palm up beside the sugar. Nick threaded their fingers together. "You were right when you said whatever we're doing together is a date but… this is really nice. I never thought…"
"That this would happen to you?" Nick nodded. "Me neither."
The jacket potato Charlie had ordered was much larger than he would have made at home, but it was simple enough that it wasn't too overwhelming. In fact, he hardly managed to feel more than a smidge of anxiety as he ate. Nick made sure to keep up a stream of gentle chatter and really, just being here with him in public like this was enough to distract Charlie into eating almost the whole plateful.
"The afternoon tea does look nice here," said Charlie, setting down his cutlery as he glanced over at the other customers. "We should get that next time."
"Yeah, okay," said Nick, beaming. He was so proud of Charlie but knew not to say so right now.
Charlie's phone chimed in his pocket then, but he ignored it diligently. He was kind of proud of himself for finishing his food first for a change - it wasn't very often he was the one waiting for others to finish.
"You can look at that, Char," said Nick. "I don't mind."
Charlie chuckled. "Yeah, I know. I don't know why I'm trying not to be rude… I know you're not going to go anywhere at this point."
"No need to woo me with politeness, my love."
Charlie took out his phone and glanced at the text.
And immediately regretted it.
"Who is it?" Nick asked, concerned at the way Charlie's face had dropped and paled alarmingly, and the fact that he was clearly now trying to hide that it had.
"Oh, um… it's just my mum," said Charlie distantly, eyes not leaving the words in front of him.
MR H (12:36): I Hope that's cleared up your little mess. Be careful who you lend your phone to.
Charlie's mind was racing. He had a feeling he knew what the message meant, and he wasn't sure he was happy about it. There had to be a reason that 'Hope' had been capitalised, hadn't there? But what exactly had Mr H done to Ben?
Nick was still frowning at him in concern and Charlie wanted to scream. This was too much. How was he meant to keep this all to himself?
Nick took his hand across the table again and squeezed it. He could feel Charlie's pulse racing beneath his fingers.
"Charlie? What happened?"
"I don't know," Charlie mumbled. "Hang on a sec…"
He quickly navigated to Facebook and scrolled down his feed. Some of the feeling started to come back into his feet when he saw the newest post from Ben's mother. He had been officially reported missing to the police.
That was something then, Charlie thought. He didn't have to worry alone now. Someone else knew. Someone else was doing something about it. But… that didn't make it any less Charlie's fault.
"Ben's missing," he said. "Like, officially a missing person."
"Shit," Nick murmured. "Have they still not found him?"
Charlie bit his lip sheepishly. "Doesn't sound like it."
Nick sighed and set his cutlery down. "This is not your fault, baby."
Charlie looked back up at him, alarmed at how well he had read his mind.
"I know that look, Char. I know you're beating yourself up about this but please, of all the things, don't do that about this. Ben hurt you. Like, really really hurt you."
"But I don't want him dead."
"Neither do I…" said Nick carefully. "I don't think…"
"Nick…"
"You're right, I'm sorry. Not funny. But it's not like he is dead anyway. He's just missing. And they'll find him, won't they?"
Charlie shoved his phone back out of sight and leant his elbows on the table. He scrubbed his face with his hands, making his curls stick up all over the place. It was adorable even if the look on his face made Nick's heart clench painfully.
"Please can we get out of here?" said Charlie quietly, palms still against his eyes until they curled into fists.
"Of course we can. Do you want to wait outside while I pay?"
He felt a little guilty for letting Nick get away with paying so easily like that but Charlie's need for fresh air overrode that feeling.
He felt a million miles away from the rest of the chattering people in town. They all seemed so sunny and cheerful, lots of them clutching ice creams and cool drinks from Costa.
Nick appeared from Tiny Tim's after only a few minutes. Charlie had been standing on the pavement outside, hands clenched around the ends of his shirt sleeves, looking kind of lost, like he didn't know what to do with himself.
He heard Nick approach and Nick had barely opened his arms when Charlie piled himself between them.
They just stood there on the corner in the middle of town like that for a long while. It was maybe a little too warm out for prolonged hugs, but Nick didn't care. That had been the third time in as many days that Charlie had looked at his phone and reacted in such a way.
Was all as okay with Jane Spring as Charlie had said? He knew things weren't perfect but… could they really have gotten this bad again? Even before, at the height of Jane's terror, Charlie had never reacted like this to mere texts - this was different, Nick could tell.
"That was very sneaky of you," Charlie said, propping his chin on Nick's chest. "Paying like that while I was having a moment."
"I wasn't trying to be sneaky."
Charlie kissed his cheek and smiled. It was hazy but it was a smile. "Thank you anyway. For everything."
"Do you want to get a Costa to go?" Nick asked. "We should probably head home before we go to Tao's."
"Okay, but I'm paying. It's only fair."
Nick laughed as Charlie grabbed his hand and dragged him toward Costa.
Walking back toward home with an iced latte each, it was easy to forget the text from Mr H sitting in Charlie's pocket. The sun was out. Nick was by his side. They were going to be spending the evening hanging out with his favourite collection of people. The police would find Ben and Helen and Tony. And everything would be okay again.
Nick was just telling Charlie how he wished he'd have thought to bake something to bring to the sleepover when he stopped in his tracks. Charlie looked up from his drink at the resistance in the hand in his.
"What is it?"
Nick was looking down the wide path just off the road they were walking down. They had left the town centre behind them and were halfway home. Charlie realised that down that path was the cemetery, and he knew what Nick must be thinking.
"Have you ever been?" Charlie asked quietly. "To see them, I mean?"
Nick shook his head. His cheeks had gone pale, his brow furrowed and the twinkle usually present in his eye had dulled. Charlie squeezed his hand. "Come on, darling. We should go and say hi."
A short walk down the wide path, neat green hedges on either side, and then the field opened out. It was large, but still peaceful, surrounded on all sides by trees and foliage. Despite being just off the road, no traffic could be heard here. The shiny headstones were arranged in tidy, orderly rows, broken up only by the colourful decorations mourners had left.
Isabella's headstone was off-white and elegant, a simple floral design adoring her name. Stuffed toys and cards, candles and flowers were arranged in abundance. Nick spied a little plastic cat photo stand holding a picture of Isabella and Sahar smiling up at him happily.
"We should have brought flowers," said Nick.
"Next time," said Charlie. "She has a lot already."
About ten rows along, they found Matt and Bethany's headstones, just across the path from each other.
Charlie felt Nick's slight jolt as he looked upon Matt's name. A lump had appeared in Nick's throat at the sight of it and it took everything in him not to start bawling. Charlie folded himself around his middle and Nick felt the tears arrive.
"I've known him since Year 7," said Nick. "I can't even remember the last thing I said to him."
"The last time he spoke to me he was calling me a disgusting fag," said Charlie. "And Harry and Will were laughing. He kept spitting at my feet."
Nick flinched. "He was such a twat," he said, fiercely wiping his eyes.
"Hmm," Charlie hummed. "But he might not always have been. He might have grown up and learnt to be better. Now we'll never know."
Nick reaffirmed his purchase around Charlie's waist and squeezed gently. He wondered what Matt would say if he could see the pair of them now, crying over his grave, arms around each other in all their queerness.
"Maybe it's good we didn't bring flowers, then," said Nick with a wet chuckle. He patted the top of the headstone. "That'd probably be a bit gay."
Charlie snorted. "No homo, Matt, we promise."
Quietly, they found themselves turning to observe Bethany's name.
"I like to think she wasn't so homophobic and awful," said Nick with a sigh. "She just had terrible taste in boys."
"I had terrible taste in boys once," said Charlie. "We shouldn't hold it against her. Maybe he was sweet… to her at least. Maybe they were in love."
"I hope they were," said Nick, eyeing the stones. "They were buried so close together. It would be a bit awkward if she actually hated him. Or they were about to break up soon or something."
"I bet if they had lived, they wouldn't have lasted another month together," said Charlie. "Not everyone is like us."
"No. They aren't." Nick rested his head on Charlie's and inhaled. He stayed like that for such a long time that Charlie started to get concerned.
"Nick? Darling?"
"You know when… I was in the woods… with Kane?"
Charlie blanched but recovered as quickly as he could. He turned to look at Nick directly, pulling him closer so they were practically hugging in the middle of the quiet cemetery. He nodded up at him, letting him know without words that he was safe to speak whatever he needed to speak.
"When I thought you were dead and that I was going to die… It helped… to think that maybe we could be buried together. Not - not across the path like this, but like together together. Our ashes all mixed up."
Charlie's bottom lip quivered only for a second before his tears began. He drew Nick's face between his hands and kissed him. Their tears mixed together on their cheeks before they pulled away again.
Nick swept at his own tears only for them to be immediately replaced with fresh ones. "I kn-know that's a l-lot t-to admit to but…"
"Oh, Nick," Charlie whispered. "I want that too. When we're old and long-married, let's mix our ashes and scatter them at the beach at Herne Bay."
"You've thought about it too?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I have. It helps me, I think. It's kind of calming, to have that kind of goal."
"I get it," said Nick, smiling. "It's like a promise of peace, in the future. So far in the future it doesn't seem like it could ever be real but at the same time, I can't see anything else."
"It's really a good job we both survived, then," said Charlie smirking. "If we had died, there's no way my mum would have let us share a grave. I would have had to write a song to persuade her."
Charlie giggled at Nick's confused expression. "What are you talking about, please, Charles?"
"The song of Nicholas. It would have been very romantic and very epic."
"Is this some Greek thing I'm not aware of? Charlie?"
Nick turned around to look where Charlie was staring past his shoulder.
"Oh," said Nick. "That must be her dad."
They had thought they were the only people at the cemetery, the only living people, anyway. But there was a man crouching about ten rows away, by Isabella's grave. The man had his back to them but when he stood up straight again, they could clearly see the tremor in his broad shoulders.
"It's so sad," Charlie murmured. A gentle breeze carried his words along with it.
"Yeah, it is."
Nick silently thanked any god who might be listening that he was not standing there alone, as this man was.
Just as Charlie was starting to feel a bit intrusive, for he and Nick were openly staring at this poor man at the grave of his teenage daughter, when the man turned his head.
The movement was purposeful, as if he had known all along that he was being observed.
All the moisture left Charlie's mouth as he met the man's eyes.
He was wearing a suit.
A very finely tailored suit.