8. Remember
Charlie froze with his hand grasping the side of Nick's t-shirt.
Nick glanced between him and the man at the grave. He realised with some confusion that the pair of them were just staring at each other, or at least Charlie was staring - the man was just watching them, eyes a little piercing and intense now Nick really looked.
He felt a tug at his side and Charlie began to stride along down the row of graves, pace quickening as he led them back toward the main path. By the time they'd left the cemetery proper, Charlie was practically running.
Nick panted to keep up. "Charlie? What's going on? Why are we running?"
Charlie merely gave his hand a squeeze and hurried him along. It wasn't until they had reached the end of the path and they were back on the main road that Charlie stopped again. Charlie was out of breath too. Sometimes Nick forgot about Charlie's new lung condition. He suspected Charlie did too.
"Sorry," Charlie breathed. "I just… let's go home."
"Okay." Nick frowned. "Have you seen that man before?"
Charlie quickly shook his head, but Nick could tell he was no longer really listening.
"Isabella Harding," Charlie murmured absently. "Mr Harding…"
"Um… yeah," said Nick. "If that was Isabella's dad."
Apparently, Charlie had not realised he had spoken aloud because he looked up in alarm.
"Do you think we should have stopped to speak to him?" Nick wondered.
"No!" Charlie said it with such fierce conviction that Nick blinked in surprise. "No. D-don't speak to him, Nick." He stepped forward to place his hands on his shoulders imploringly. "If you ever see him, like, about, please, Nick, promise me you won't speak to that man."
"Charlie… what?"
"Promise me!"
"Okay, okay, I promise," said Nick quickly. "Are you going to tell me why?"
But Charlie had let go of him and let go of all awareness of Nick's words or his comfort. As he chewed at his Costa straw, Charlie's mind raced, only vaguely aware of Nick hurrying to catch up with him.
He couldn't believe had just been feeling sorry for the man, for Mr H.
Mr Harding - his most recent tormentor - was Isabella's dad? It didn't make any sense. Why was he going around kidnapping people? What was his purpose for kidnapping Tony and Helen? Charlie had assumed it was something to do with the Kane case before but now he was almost certain it did. Was it some kind of revenge for his daughter?
Nick's hand was back in his though Charlie had no memory of taking it again. He saw Nick's tentative smile but also the worry in his brown eyes. Charlie had to look away again…
How long could he keep this up? How long would it take for everyone to be found? For Mr H to be discovered guilty? He supposed these were all the same question, really.
They reached Charlie's house first and quickly realised they didn't have all that long before they had to be at Tao's. Nick reluctantly kissed Charlie temporarily goodbye on his front doorstep and trudged off alone towards home.
They had planned to grab their things for the sleepover and then meet back at Charlie's in half an hour so that Julio could drive them to Tao's.
Charlie's reaction to seeing Mr Harding at the cemetery had been strange… hadn't it? Nick could not shake the image from his head of all the times over the last few days when Charlie had been suddenly overtaken by some kind of horrible, silence-inducing thought. No matter all the ways his boyfriend struggled, with all the reasons he had, Nick always wanted to squash them. He wanted to make it all go away so no one could hurt Charlie ever again.
It was just harder when Charlie didn't tell him what was happening. He could only do so much with the little knowledge he had, but he would do as much as he could - until Charlie was ready to tell him everything. He would do so for the rest of his life, even if Charlie never told him.
By the time Nick got home, he had a splitting headache and went immediately to the kitchen cupboard for some paracetamol. He sipped his water and forced himself to think only of what he could actually accomplish. Tao's sleepover - it was going to be a fun, normal, happy evening for the both of them. He would make sure of it.
"Nicky, I didn't hear you come in," Sarah said as she entered the kitchen. "Where's Charlie?"
"He went home to get his things for the sleepover. I did tell you about that, didn't I? It's at Tao's."
"Yes, I think you did. I hadn't realised it was tonight."
"I'm leaving in about half an hour, and I might not be back until gone lunch tomorrow. I'm not sure how long these things tend to run on for."
"That's right," Sarah smiled. "Your first proper event with your new friends. I'm excited for you, sweetheart."
"Hmm, I can't pretend I'm not a bit nervous. I know we spent all that time in Paris together, but this is different. Charlie has been going to these things with Tao and Elle and Aled for years. I don't want to mess it up for him."
Sarah practically snorted, then looked a bit guilty at having done so. "I'm sorry, baby, I don't mean to laugh but, it's just - I'm not sure you could mess up anything for Charlie even if you tried. Do you think he'd agree with me?"
Nick rolled his eyes and sighed. "Yeah, probably. I don't know why I'm so nervous. It's not like I'm even the only new person going. Tara, Darcy and Sahar haven't been before either."
"Well, then, what's all the fuss about? You're going to have a lovely time." Sarah patted his cheek fondly. "You deserve it, baby."
"Thanks, mum." Nick hugged her and she hugged him back. "Are David and Portia still here?"
"They left about an hour ago, but I have no idea where they went," Sarah huffed. "Why couldn't David have found a Charlie, too, hey? I don't know what I'm going to do with that boy… And as for Portia, I'm trying to be supportive but…"
"She's awful."
"Well, yes. Yes, she is."
"Look on the bright side, mum," said Nick, heading to the door. "When was the last time one of David's girlfriends stuck around longer than a month?"
He heard his mum laugh as he stepped out into the hall. The sound helped soothe his worries considerably. And the fact that there was no possibility of running into his brother or his brother's awful girlfriend made his packing task much more bearable.
Nick picked up the green jumper from his bedroom floor and hugged it to him. It was much too warm for it today, but he slipped it on over his head anyway. Just the motion of doing that enveloped him in Charlie's scent perfectly. He brought the collar up over his nose and inhaled.
"I will help you, my love," he murmured into the stillness of his room. "I will, I promise. Even if you can't ask me, I will always help you."
Five minutes later, Nick hugged his mum and Nellie goodbye, promising to text her when he got to Tao's and then again when he knew what time he would be home tomorrow.
When he knocked on the Springs' door, it was Tori who answered. She looked annoyed, Nick guessed, but he really was never sure with her. He suspected she was annoyed at him if she was annoyed at all but as he stepped into the hall, he realised why she was so sullen.
"- your homework, Charlie. You don't want your grades to slip, do you?"
"It's the summer holidays, mum. I still have plenty of time -"
"Don't answer back! What happened to spending half your time here? We had an agreement, Charlie. You were meant to be here last night after that party, but you weren't -"
"Mum! I'm sorry about that but dad said it was fine -"
"Don't try to pit us against each other, Charlie, it won't work."
"I'm not trying to…" Charlie's voice trailed off. "I have to go, mum. I'm going to be late for Tao's."
A long pause. Nick could practically see Jane scrutinising her son.
"Well, I'm glad you're spending time with your other friends again. It's not healthy to let everything revolve around th-that - boyfriend." She said the word as if it were a foreign language she wasn't accustomed to speaking.
Nick heard Charlie sigh in defeat. "I'm going, mum… see you tomorrow."
"Charlie -"
Charlie appeared from around the kitchen door. He seemed surprised to find Nick standing there in the hall with Tori.
"I'm okay," he said, smiling. "Let's go, shall we?"
He kissed Nick sweetly, then drew away just to look at him for a second before reaching for his shoes. "I knew I picked the right shade of green."
"It is very cosy," said Nick, pulling at the front of the jumper. "All the more since you wore it first."
Tori rolled her eyes at their blushing faces and asked, "Are you really going to be home tomorrow, Charlie? Or should I prepare for more passive aggressiveness from mum?"
"I don't think it matters if I'm here or not for that," said Charlie, doing up his laces. "I will try to be here, Tori, I promise."
"Will Nick be with you?"
"Probably."
Tori rolled her eyes again but there was a glint of a smile behind her eyes.
"I'll be back in a sec," said Charlie. "I just remembered something." And he sprinted up the stairs. "Dad! Can we go now?"
Charlie returned shortly with Julio in tow, and as Nick and Charlie waved goodbye to Tori, Nick noticed Charlie was now wearing a familiar-looking blue hoodie.
It wasn't a long drive to Tao's, just across town, but it was too far to walk. The three of them were quiet as Julio drove. Charlie kept a hold of Nick's hand the whole way.
He could still feel the residual frustration running through him - he had been stupid to change their plans like that. He had promised to spend half his time at home, had planned to go home after Otis' party… Yet another thing he couldn't disclose - Charlie didn't want to give his family another reason to keep him wrapped in cotton wool.
When Julio pulled up outside Tao's house, Charlie plastered a smile onto his face, determined not to spoil this. He was going to have a nice time.
Nick and Charlie thanked Julio and headed up to the front door. Elle opened it quickly after Nick knocked.
"Hey! We thought you'd decided not to come." She ushered them both inside with a hug each.
"Oh no," said Charlie. "I didn't realise we were so late."
"It doesn't matter," said Elle. "Come on. Everyone else has already bagsied the best sleeping spots so you'll have to make do with what's left, I'm afraid. We've had to move everything downstairs because there's so many of us now."
Nick and Charlie followed Elle through into the living room where an air mattress, two single mattresses (pushed up together) and the sofa were already occupied by their friends.
"Charlie!" Tao exclaimed when he saw them. "Finally. What took you two so long?"
Nick watched happily as Charlie was folded into the group. "Um, well, we had a spontaneous brunch date."
"Aww! That's so romantic and cute," said Elle. "I'm so happy for you, Charlie."
"Thanks," said Charlie. "It was pretty romantic and cute."
He grinned at Nick and pulled him down to sit beside him in the large squashy armchair.
"Oh, please…" Tao rolled his eyes. "At least try to keep the heart eyes to a minimum this evening."
"Only if you and Elle do the same," said Charlie, with a knowing look. "You two are still in the honeymoon phase. How long has it been now? A week? Good luck."
Tao went bright red and looked at his lap. "Shut up."
"The honeymoon phase is bullshit anyway," said Darcy. "Especially where our boys are concerned. May we all be as lovey dovey as we like with our significant others in this den of friendship and safety!"
Everyone merely looked around at her until Sahar said, "Darcy, are you drunk already?"
"I've been here ten minutes. I can't work that fast, huns."
"Please tell me you did not bring alcohol into my mum's house," Tao groaned. "If she finds out -"
"Oh, Tao, our token straight-boy - I would never dream of going against lovely Yan's wishes…"
Charlie distinctly saw Darcy quietly tuck something that looked suspiciously like a bottle of vodka more securely into her bag. She caught him looking and wiggled her eyebrows knowingly.
"Can we eat now?" Tara asked. "You said we could once everyone was here."
Tao got to his feet and ushered them all up to follow him into the dining room. On the table was a varied spread of picky bits perfect for eating while watching a film, a stack of paper plates beside bottles of Coke and Tango.
"Please help yourselves," said Tao. "But try not to spill anything, please? If you do, then you clear it up. My mum is just upstairs, and I promised her we'd all be good."
"Tao! Chill!" Darcy cried, grabbing a plate. "We know how to behave."
"Do you though?" Tao sighed. "Really?"
"This looks really nice, Tao," said Tara. "Is it safe to assume this was mostly your mum's work?"
"Err - rude!"
Elle laughed and batted Tao's arm playfully. "It's mostly mine and Yan's work. I think Bean did more than you, Tao."
"You love that cat more than me…" Tao trailed off awkwardly, realising what he'd just said.
Nick and Charlie exchanged amused looks - it was kind of fun to watch their friends from their new safe position of safety and experience.
As they all lined up with their plates at the ready, chatting and laughing, Nick felt like he actually belonged there. He didn't think he'd ever been to a sleepover with this kind of food before - he and his old friends would usually just order pizza or Chinese - and he couldn't imagine ever bringing Charlie to one of those…
Charlie stood behind Nick in the little queue, watching as the table grew closer. In some ways, he was glad for the buffet set up - he could choose what he wanted and how much - but today had been a lot and he knew he was already more anxious and stressed than usual. Just a glance at Aled's full plate as he passed back into the living room was enough to set his hands shaking.
"Tao, do you have more forks?" Sahar asked from the front.
Tao looked up from piling his own plate high. "Err - yeah, in the kitchen. Do you mind going to get them?"
Sahar nodded and slipped through the door into the kitchen. "Where are they?"
"In the drawer!" Tao yelled.
"Which one?" Sahar yelled back.
Charlie quickly said, "I'll show her, Tao," and escaped just before it was his turn at the table. He tried to ignore the look of concerned understanding on Nick's face as he followed Sahar into the kitchen.
"They're here, Sahar," he said, going to the drawer.
"Thanks, Charlie," said Sahar as he grabbed a handful of forks. "Um… Charlie?"
"Yeah?" He turned around to find Sahar watching him with a similar look to Nick's and suddenly found it difficult to meet her eye.
"Are you okay? You seem kind of… tense. Did - did something happen last night?"
Charlie shook his head, still staring at his shoes. "I'm fine. It's just…" he forced himself to look up at her. On the fridge behind her he spotted a magnet in the shape of a cat - he pretended he was talking to that instead - that magnetic cat could not judge him. "Sahar, could I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"What do you know about…" He lowered his voice. "Isabella's dad?"
"Oh…" Sahar blinked at him in alarm, clearly not having expected the question at all. "Um…"
"I'm sorry, you probably don't want to talk about it -"
"No, it's fine, Charlie. It's just - I was a little surprised, that's all. Why did you want to know?"
Charlie's gaze slid away from the cat on the fridge as he leant heavily against the counter. The bundle of forks in his hand gleamed.
"Nick and I were at the cemetery today. We saw a man at Isabella's grave. We assumed it was her dad."
Sahar nodded solemnly. "It was probably him. I don't know exactly what he does but he's always been pretty well off. I always figured he must be some big businessman or a lawyer or something. Izzy's mum left when she was really little so it's just him in their big, fancy house now." Sahar sighed. "I've tried to reach out to him. My parents have, too. We've tried to visit a few times but… he's always been a bit distant anyway. Probably even more so now…"
"Did you find those forks?" came Tao's shout from the other room.
Charlie jumped - he had been gripping the forks so hard they had left faint red marks on his palms.
"Coming!" Sahar yelled back. "Are you sure you're okay, Charlie?"
"What's his name?" Charlie asked, little more than a whisper. "His full name…"
"Philip. Philip Harding."
She took the bundle of forks from him gently and Charlie stared at the red marks. He should have thanked his friend, but he couldn't seem to form the words right now. He didn't even notice Sahar leave the room, but he was not alone for long, because then Nick was there.
He ruffled Charlie's curls. "What's going on in that beautiful head of yours?"
Charlie wanted to cry but with the force it took to make sure he didn't, he tipped forward and Nick caught him.
"I'm sorry." His words got muffled against Nick's shoulder and he knew he'd be chastised for them, but it was all he felt he could say.
Nick sighed and rocked him gently. "What are you sorry for?"
For not helping Helen. For letting Ben take my phone. For making you worry and for not even telling you why.
"I don't know."
"What do you want to do?" Nick brushed Charlie's hair away from his face. There was still a horrible line of concern across Nick's brow and all Charlie wanted right now was for it to go away.
"I want to cuddle with you in that big armchair Tao has and pretend to watch a probably depressing arthouse film while actually just making out."
The line softened. "I'm up for that. Do you really think the film is going to be depressing?"
"Oh, almost definitely. And prepare for subtitles."
Charlie led the way bravely back into the dining room. Everyone else had vacated to the living room. Nick's half-filled plate was still sitting where he'd discarded it. He picked it up again now and turned to reach for a second plate.
Charlie stopped him with a hand on his wrist. He shook his head, then looked at his shoes.
"You can't not have anything, baby."
"I know. Could I - could I just share with you? I think it might help…"
"Hey, look at me, Charlie. Of course we can do that."
Charlie looked up and thought maybe everything would be okay as long as Nick Nelson still existed in the world. He nodded and let Nick guide him through the rest of the buffet steadily and calmly.
When they went back into the living room to join the others, their friends' reactions clearly showed they had taken quite some time. The film was loaded onto the telly, ready to be started.
"Finally!" Tao cried. "It feels like we've been waiting for you two all evening."
"Sorry," said Nick as he and Charlie sank into the armchair, plate balanced half on each of their knees. "We got a bit… distracted."
Nick hoped the natural blush on his cheeks sold the lie. It wasn't far-fetched in the slightest anyway, he knew. Charlie giggled as Tao groaned.
"God, it must take you two ages to get anything done," laughed Tara.
"I'm surprised they even turned up, to be honest," said Darcy.
"They clearly have more interesting things to be doing," Elle giggled. "That don't involve us lot."
"Shut up!" said Charlie. "You two are just as bad. And you two! Are we ever going to find out where you disappeared off to last night?"
Darcy cackled as Tara blushed scarlet and buried her head against Darcy's shoulder. "That rugby lad's garden did have a lot of roomy hedges. A bit prickly but…" Darcy shrugged. "Useful."
"Babe, do you even remember?" said Tara. "You were really very drunk."
"If I was so drunk then I wouldn't remember you doing that thing with your tongue…"
"Darcy!" Tara threw herself under their shared blanket, never to return.
"See," Charlie giggled. "We're not the only ones sickeningly in love. It's easy to get distracted."
"Oh, trust me," said Sahar. "You don't need to be in love to get distracted. Haven't even thought about touching my mountain of homework. Haven't even got a cute boy to distract me…"
"Hey!" said Tao. "You have a whole lot of cute boys and girls to distract you - you have us, don't you?"
Sahar laughed. "Yeah, that's true, I suppose. But I don't wanna kiss any of you, no offence."
"What?" Darcy yelled, offended. "That is so rude! Which one which one which one?"
"Darcy, leave her be," said Tara, emerging from her hiding place only to continue eating her food.
Darcy patted her sarcastically on the head. "Sahar, Sahar! If you had to kiss any one of us, who would it be?"
Sahar looked momentarily dumbstruck. Charlie thought the answer was abundantly obvious but could tell his friend was at least pretending to think. They all watched her look at each of them in turn, scrutinising them dramatically, a finger tapping her chin.
"Hmm, well… I think, Aled," she concluded simply.
Aled went faintly pink and laughed. Sahar laughed too. Both Tao and Darcy looked a little bit disappointed.
"Come on, guys," said Sahar. "You all have very intense significant others who would have my head if I dared!"
Charlie exchanged an amused look with Aled - he was probably the only one who knew that this was also true of Aled.
Tao shook off the weird vibe that had fallen over them, then clapped his hands. "Right, are we here for a film night or for silly questions about kissing? I'm going to press play and when I do, I need everyone to shut up. If you need to leave the room for any reason, if you need the loo or another drink then please try not to go until there's an appropriate lull in the narrative. If you have a question about the plot, kindly keep it to yourself until the end. Is that everything…? Ah, yes, and don't chew too loudly."
"Tao, please just press play," Elle groaned affectionately.
Nick and Charlie settled back against their armchair, food between them.
"Is he always that intense about these things?" Nick whispered.
Charlie nodded, nibbling at the corner of a sausage roll. "We endure because we love him."
"Oh, a bit like me and you, then?"
"Shut up!"
As Nick laughed, Charlie shoved the rest of his sausage roll into Nick's mouth and the pair of them erupted into a fit of pastry-filled laughter.
"What did I just say?" Tao hissed from somewhere on the other side of the dimly lit room. "Shh!"
The opening credits were entirely too long and gave neither Nick nor Charlie any clue as to what the film was actually called. It was indeed something very moody and dull. The subtitles were not that annoying but only because there was so little dialogue. Nick did become a little more interested once he realised the film was in French, and Charlie had grinned at him knowingly - but all in all, the film was boring whether you understood it or not.
Charlie found it very sweet that Nick was at least trying to look as if he were entertained. He knew his boyfriend wanted nothing more than to be accepted into their little group. He wished Nick knew he could stop trying so hard, because he already was one of them, irreplaceably so.
The only other person trying to be supportive was Elle, but even she was mostly just enjoying the excuse to be snuggled up by Tao's side. She exchanged a smile with Charlie, and he couldn't help but feel elated for her. Their long lunchtimes of hiding out in Mr Ajayi's art room seemed like a different lifetime. If someone had told past Charlie and Elle that this would be them now, they would not have believed them.
Not ten minutes into the film, Sahar cautiously got to her feet and said, very bravely, "I'm just going to the loo."
Tao was just about to retort when Aled gasped, "Quick, Sahar, run!"
She made a speedy escape and luckily made it out of the room before Tao could truly get worked up. He didn't want to disrupt the film either.
When Charlie pushed the plate of food over onto Nick's lap completely, Nick found he couldn't concentrate on the film at all.
"Let's take a break, shall we?" he murmured. "Nothing's going to get cold."
Charlie nodded but Nick sensed he didn't believe he could try again even after a break. Nick would have to believe enough for the both of them. He wasn't sure how good of an idea the plate sharing thing was, but it had helped Charlie eat something, and that's what mattered.
Charlie felt something cool tap against his ankle where it was propped up with Nick's on the pouffe. He glanced down in alarm. Tara was looking up at him from her spot on the mattress below him.
"Shh!" she hissed, passing a half-empty bottle of vodka up to him. "Don't tell Tao!"
Charlie took the bottle with a grin and a nod. Nick reached for his cup of coke so Charlie could mix them, but Charlie had other ideas. He took a massive swig straight from the bottle and did pretty well not to make a face.
"How was that, my love?" Nick chuckled.
"A mistake. Why did you let me do that?"
"Charlie Spring, is that vodka?"
"Uh oh -"
Tao was glaring at him from the air mattress. "Give that here!"
Charlie clung to the bottle. "It wasn't me - I didn't - No!"
"He didn't bring it, Tao," said Nick. "We're innocent here!"
"But you're complicit! Darcy, I told you no alcohol!"
"Who says it was me?"
"Babe, you've not been very subtle…"
"Tao, calm down, alright. You're missing your film." Elle smoothed a hand down his arm and Tao retreated guiltily. "Charlie, do you mind passing that here?"
Charlie did as Elle requested but did so while pouting dramatically.
"No, Charlie!" Darcy whined dramatically. "Such a weakling…"
"Sorry," Charlie whispered to the group.
Tara flicked Darcy's head and Darcy grumbled some more before cuddling up under their blanket together.
Nick had managed to squander enough vodka into his coke so not all was quite lost. As he and Charlie sipped it together, they wondered whether Tara and Darcy had been smart enough to do the same. He watched Charlie take a big gulp from the cup and sighed.
"Maybe it's for the best, Char. You probably shouldn't be drinking too much right now, anyway."
Charlie stared into the cup, eyebrows knitted. "I'm sorry," he gasped. And then, in rapid succession, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry - I can't - I can't -"
The cup jerked violently in his grip as his hand started to shake.
"Oh, baby…" Nick quickly extracted the cup and set it down on the table beside them. "Do you want to go somewhere quieter for a bit?"
Charlie grimaced miserably. "But Tao won't -"
"Tao can do one if he thinks I'm just going to let you sit here and suffer."
Nick slid the plate onto the table too, then took Charlie's hand - it was still shaking in his as he ushered him up from the chair and led him out of the living room. They could hear Elle chiding Tao for whatever his reaction had been but neither of them were paying them much attention.
They stepped into the dining room to find Sahar sitting at the opposite side of the table to where the food was set out.
"Oh, sorry," said Nick. "Are you okay?"
Her eyes were puffy and red like she'd been crying. She had a damp, scrunched up napkin clenched in her hands, and she made a miserable kind of half shrug, half nod.
"Would you like company or should we leave you alone?"
Sahar studied the napkin in her hand for a second, then spoke plainly. "Isabella would have loved this sleepover. She was obsessed with those arthousey films too."
Nick and Charlie exchanged a look. The shock of finding Sahar like this had helped Charlie clear his mind and stop his hand from shaking. He led the way to sit down at the table with Sahar. She clearly wanted to talk and so they would sit, and they would listen until she told them to stop.
"Would she have been another Tao, yelling at us all to shut up and pay attention?" asked Nick.
"Yeah, probably," Sahar chuckled. "I didn't know Tao was going to pick something like that. It just sort of shocked me and now I'm a mess."
"It's okay," said Nick. "Stuff like that does sort of just hit you, doesn't it? And it's the worst when you don't see it coming."
Sahar looked up at him at that, grateful. "Yeah, it is. I've never known anyone who's died before, not even a pet. My grandparents all died before I was born. I've never thought about what happens after you die as much as I have lately. I'm not religious. I've never needed to think about it… but now I keep finding myself hoping and wondering."
Nick didn't know quite what to say but he offered his hand to Sahar, and she took it. He squeezed it gently while Charlie took her other hand. She smiled tearily across at them both, sniffed and then gasped, "You two are so cute."
Nick and Charlie both laughed, grinning too - and Nick felt his own eyes begin to well up. Charlie's eyes widened at the realisation and suddenly all three of them were crying.
For a while they just sat there together in their triangle of tears, half-blubbering, half-laughing at themselves. The more Charlie laughed, the more Nick cried.
"We are such a mess," Nick managed.
"Come here, both of you," Charlie gasped and pulled Nick and Sahar into a three-way hug.
Once their tears had dried up, Sahar started to fidget awkwardly in her chair. "Thanks. I really needed that." She disentangled herself from the boys, chuckling. "But I suddenly feel very much like I'm intruding."
"Hugs fix everything," said Nick, shrugging. "At least that's what my mum always taught me. Hugs and tea. I'll put the kettle on."
"Not all hugs are like that," said Charlie to Sahar as Nick bustled off into the kitchen. "Just Nick Nelson hugs. I don't know what I'd do without them… without him."
"I never thought about how much I relied on Izzy for everything, until she was gone," said Sahar. "I miss her hugs and her stupid jokes and our stupid arguments and even her big empty house. I'd gotten so used to being able to go to her, about anything. She'd always cheer me up or talk me down or yell at me for being dramatic. But now, I need her to cheer me up more than ever and she's the one person who can't do that…"
"What do you think she'd tell you, if you could ask her for help now?"
"Probably that I need to stop blubbering, stop feeling guilty, remember her happily and move on with my life. And I would tell her I am trying to do all those things, but I just miss her so much… She'd also probably be super jealous that I've made so many cool friends without her."
"Have you thought about going to grievance counselling?" Charlie asked cautiously.
Sahar nodded. "My parents keep nagging me to do it but I dunno… Isn't it a bit… awkward?"
Charlie shrugged. "Not always. It's not helpful for everyone. I'm not… I'm not very good at talking about my feelings sometimes and Geoff, my therapist, I can tell he's great and he might help me but… it only works if you want to be helped."
"Do you not want to be helped?"
Charlie looked up at her in mild alarm. He hadn't realised what he'd said.
"Um… well… sometimes it's hard to remember but, yes, I do. One of my issues, even before the Kane case, has always been feeling like I deserve every awful thing that's happened to me - I know it doesn't make any sense -" he said quickly when it looked like Sahar was about to interject. "That's just how my brain has programmed itself to think. It's not logical, But Nick - he's doing great in therapy because he's used to sharing his feelings openly. Another thing his mum taught him."
Sahar grimaced. "That's something my parents have been trying to work on since Izzy died. We all love each other, of course, but we've never had a reason to talk so much before, you know… about deep stuff."
"My dad's a bit like that. He finds it difficult to take things too seriously, I think. And my mum, well…"
"Tea!" Nick announced as he re-entered, three mugs steaming, carried precariously in two hands. "Um, did you want sugar, Sahar?"
"Oh, no, that's fine. Thank you so much, Nick."
"Thanks, darling."
Nick sat back down with them and pulled the half empty tray of Party Rings over from the buffet.
"Oh my god," said Sahar, grabbing a purple one. "I love Party Rings! You seriously think of everything. Charlie, you need to tell me where you found him - I need one."
Charlie snorted as Nick flushed pink. "Maybe wait for the seating-plan stars to align in September?"
"And if you want a Charlie," said Nick. "You need to find yourself a hobby and a pet. And maybe some romantically timed weather."
They munched their Party Rings happily, dunking them in their tea. Charlie hadn't even realised he was doing it until he'd consumed two and a half whole biscuits, the last half sadly lost due to a poorly timed dunk.
But when he got to the soggy mess at the bottom of his mug, he found himself staring at the lumpy brown stuff, all the horrible memories from over the last few days flooded through his mind again. The final image was that of Ben Hope smiling up at him from his mother's heart-broken Facebook post.
"Sahar?" Charlie was shocked at how hoarse his own voice sounded. "Could I ask you something?"
Nick looked up from his tea, heart sinking - he had thought… tea and hugs…
Sahar frowned too but nodded.
"Do you know…" Charlie began tentatively. "Do you have any idea why Isabella was murdered?"
Nick set his mug down with a bit of a clatter. He had not expected those words to come out of Charlie's mouth, especially not so boldly and plainly.
Charlie kept his gaze firmly on the sludge at the bottom of his mug. "You don't have to answer. I just - there isn't even any solid evidence that it was Kane who did it and I just -"
"I think it was Kane," said Sahar, gripping her own mug hard between her hands.
"Why? What makes you think so?"
"Well…" she swallowed visibly but ploughed on. "She never told me much about it but for a while before she died, I knew she'd been seeing an older man. We were best friends, we did everything together, but then suddenly her whole life revolved around this man. At first, I thought it was just some boy from Truham or something but then he kept buying her fancy gifts and things. But when I asked her if I could meet him, she admitted that he was a bit older than us, that he was a police officer.
"She told me not to tell anyone because she knew her dad wouldn't be happy. To be honest, I wasn't happy about it either. But I didn't know what to do. I didn't want her to get hurt but, like, I didn't want to betray her trust either. And then she was killed. And I knew he had been the one to do it. As for why exactly… I don't know.
"Charlie -" Sahar said. "I'm so sorry…"
Nick whipped around to look at his boyfriend. He had gone even paler than he had been for days now, his hands were trembling yet again, so badly now that he had to let go of his mug. They clenched instead around the sleeves of the blue hoodie - but they would not still.
Nick reached out to him, but Charlie stood up quickly, so quickly that his chair clattered behind him.
"No, it's okay," he breathed. "I asked. Thank you - th-thank you for sharing that I just need… I don't know -" A dry sob escaped before he could clamp a hand over his mouth.
"Oh, baby… oh, love -"
"I feel a bit… I need to get some air."
"Okay, okay. We can do that, Char -"
"No!"
Nick blinked at him, then felt his heart clench as Charlie's shoulders drooped even further.
"S-sorry," he gasped. "I think I just need to be alone for a b-bit. Sorry…"
And then he pulled open the sliding back door and Nick and Sahar watched him trudge miserably out into Tao's garden, the world on his perfect shoulders.
Nick stood there by the table, feeling utterly lost and helpless. Charlie sank onto a rickety old swing set at the bottom of the garden and Nick yearned to follow him, as he always did.
"Is he okay?" Sahar asked softly.
"I don't know," Nick breathed, not looking away from the lonely figure outside. "Something's going on and he won't tell me what it is."
"Is it something to do with what happened last night?"
"I dunno." Nick swallowed, remembering all Charlie had not told him in Otis' bathroom, and all he had told him in his own. "Maybe."
"Why exactly did you punch Ben Hope?"
"Because he's a fucking twat!" Nick turned away from the window and forced himself to take a deep breath. "I can't - I can't tell you much but let's just say he's an awful, terrible person and you should stay away from him and tell others to do the same."
Sahar frowned, deeply concerned. "Did he do something… to Charlie?"
Nick met her gaze and murmured, "Almost."
And he suspected she may have made an educated guess as to what had happened.
Nick wanted to tell her. He wanted to shout all of Ben Hope's crimes from the rooftops and make him pay for what he did and what he wanted to do. If he didn't think it would tear Charlie apart, he would do it.
He did not like the part of himself that whispered darkly in the back of his head, I hope, if something really has happened to Ben, that he's really fucking suffering.
Nick shook the unsavoury thought away and prayed instead that Ben was not dead. For Charlie's sake.
Nick and Sahar flitted back into the living room where their friends were still 'watching' the film. Aled was clearly fast asleep on the sofa and Tara and Darcy were whispering not-so-quietly, cuddled up under their blanket.
"Where have you -?" Tao's voice cut off - Nick supposed he'd caught sight of his face and relented. He suspected he didn't look exactly cheerful.
Nick curled up on the big squashy chair and rested his head on the arm.
"Where's -?"
"Shh!"
The woman on the screen was crying about something, very prettily and quietly. Nick wished Tao had picked a comedy at least. He wished he and Charlie had been hosting - maybe they could have gotten their friends into Taskmaster. He wished for once he couldn't understand French, if only to more effectively block out this rubbish.
And now the woman was bawling something overly poetic. Christ.
Nick only realised he'd been dozing off when he felt the chair beside him dip and a cool hand against his knee.
"Hi," Charlie whispered.
"Charlie!"
His skin was cool from being outside. He was still too pale. But he was still so beautiful…
Nick opened his arms, and they leant back against the chair to snuggle down properly. Charlie wrapped his arms around him and nestled his head onto Nick's shoulder.
"Thank you," he murmured.
"What for?"
"For giving me space."
"That's okay. If that's what you needed, then there's no problem at all. I do… find it difficult sometimes to let you go away from me. I'm sorry I'm like that. I know I can be a bit clingy… especially nowadays."
"Hey," said Charlie. "No s-words. You have every right to be clingy. We both do. I hate being apart from you almost more than anything else."
Nick felt like asking why Charlie had felt the need to leave him just now, then, if he hated it so much, but he didn't want to push it. He never wanted to push Charlie into telling him anything. He'd had enough of that from other people in his life.
Outside on Tao's old swing set, Charlie had spent the whole time trying to breathe and trying to bully his brain into calming the fuck down.
He was meant to be focusing on Nick and his friends and having a fun, normal time. Even if certain happenings had tried to ruin that for him, Charlie was determined to beat them back. He was determined to trust that the police would do their jobs. That Nick would forgive him for lying to him. And trust that he, Charlie, would keep his head down - and further down than he had previously. He didn't want anyone else to be harmed.
Now, in Nick's arms, on the very comfortable chair, limbs entwined, Charlie found himself to be very warm and content. It was difficult to imagine that anything could hurt them right here.
Charlie smiled softly as Nick turned his head so that they were nose to nose and there was no one else. Charlie kissed Nick's nose, making him melt all the way into a deliciously warm puddle of goo. Then their lips met, gently, perfectly. The rest of their worries and fears drifted away. Nick tasted of tea and sugar and Charlie wanted to devour him…
But their friends were not as far away as they seemed, so when Nick let out a moan that was a bit too loud to be safe, they drew apart and settled down to just cuddle instead.
It wasn't until a while later that Nick felt an alarming drop in temperature.
A definite shift.
One that he did not consciously recognise until he looked down at Charlie.
His boyfriend was lying across his lap, head resting against Nick's shoulder. His arms had been wrapped around Nick's middle, but the shift had happened when they had fallen away limply. And now Nick was holding Charlie's entire weight - his entire dead weight and that was all too familiar…
"Char?" Nick breathed.
He could hear his heart pounding in his ears.
Charlie did not stir. His face was pale - as it had been all day, all week - but Nick could not keep the fear from his voice.
"Charlie?"
And suddenly he could hardly think. Could hardly breathe.
There was dry earth beneath his knees, beneath his fingernails.
Sweat stuck his fringe to his forehead.
And Charlie's skin was so, so cold to the touch.
A shock of scarlet trickled from Charlie's slightly parted lips -
NO!
He scooped Charlie ever closer to him, cradling him as he rocked him back and forth. Nick could hear people talking around them, trying to talk to him - but did they not understand what had happened?
Charlie… Charlie… Charlie…
"Nick?"
"What's wrong?"
"DON'T TOUCH HIM!"
"Is he hurt?"
"I thought he was asleep."
"Nick! Oh my god - Nick!"
"Charlie?"
Nick blinked.
Charlie's eyes were open. He was sitting on Nick's lap, knees around Nick's hips. He was cupping Nick's face between his cool hands. Cool, but not ice cold… like they had been… they had just been…
Meanwhile, Charlie had been awoken by Nick's initial heart-breaking cry. He'd found him clinging to him, shoulders heaving as he sobbed, howled, gasped Charlie's name over and over while he rocked him.
He peered into those big brown eyes now… Their tears ceased for no more than a few seconds before Nick flung himself forward and continued to bawl. Charlie held him tight, a hand in his hair, the other at his back as he took his turn to rock Nick gently.
"Shhh… shh… darling…" he whispered softly. "Oh, Nick… oh, darling…"
Charlie could feel the eyes of their friends on the back of his head. He knew they were all sitting there, watching them, eyes wide with fear, concern, confusion.
Distantly, he realised someone had paused the film.
Nick relaxed against Charlie's shoulder, his own broader shoulders becoming still but he still did not let go - and Charlie didn't want him to.
"I'm sorry," Nick gasped. "I'm sorry I woke you up… 'm being silly…"
"No, no, darling. It's okay. You're okay. I'm okay… shhh…"
Charlie could feel a wet patch forming on the blue hoodie as Nick continued to cry quietly. Charlie kissed his hair firmly, screwing his own eyes shut against his own tears.
"Do you remember where we are, darling?"
"Hmm?"
"We're at Tao's remember? In his living room. We're having a sleepover with our friends and we're watching a boring French film and we're lying in a big comfy chair. Darcy brought vodka. You made tea for me and Sahar and we ate Party Rings. I had a bit of a wobble, but you made me feel better with your miracle hugs, remember?"
"Hugs and tea," Nick mumbled.
And Charlie's heart about broke as his rugby lad curled himself around him and closed his eyes, resting his head over where the million pieces lay in Charlie's chest.
Eventually, Nick seemed to cry himself out and his breath evened into sleep. Charlie finally let himself shed the tears he'd been holding back, and he watched them drip into Nick's hair.
The room was quiet.
Charlie had expected most of their friends to have left the room by now, but they had not.
Elle was crying too. Tao's cheeks were very pale. Darcy looked more serious than he'd ever seen. Tara was holding onto her like she might drift away if she didn't. Sahar had taken Aled's hand, who had woken up on the sofa, eyes wide with concern.
Charlie wiped at his own damp cheeks and found he could not again look away from Nick's sleeping face.
"He thought I was dead." Charlie spoke quietly but plainly, much steadier than he felt. "For like… quite a while, I think. He was holding me… while it happened…"
Charlie pressed another kiss to Nick's hair - to his forehead, to his nose, his eyelashes. In his sleep, Nick cuddled closer. Charlie had not thought it was possible, but Nick always found a way.
"Was it really that close?" Tara whispered.
Charlie met her gaze across the dimly lit space and swallowed. "Yeah," he said. "I thought it would get better but… I think about it every day, in some way or another. Even when I'm really happy, I think about it. And I know Nick does too. Sometimes it's all I can think about."