Notes:
TW: Character injuries, gunshots, blood etc. (no deaths)
This chapter encapsulates Season 9 and a large portion of season 10.
"Hey is that a fresh pot? Don't know about you but I need coffee, last night is still pounding on the drums in my head."
Reid ignored Derek's morning banter, pouring a cup for himself without turning around and drinking it without adding his customary three teaspoons of sugar. A grimace followed his first sip but he still took a second and a third.
"Hey Reid, what's going on with you today?" Derek asked confused by the brusk manner of his younger colleague.
"Nothing."
"C'mon pretty boy talk to me. Something is definitely going on, you're drinking coffee black, which coming from you- seems like self-harm."
Reid shrugged and stalked away to his desk without a word or a backward glance.
"Psst." Garcia's head poked out her door and she beckoned Derek to come closer, dragging him into her office and looking around before closing the door and whispering, "how's Reid?"
"Why? Wait... You know something, don't you."
"He and Olivia… They broke up."
"But they weren't-" Derek began and was cut off by Penelope's urgent shake of the head.
"No, they never were," she grasped his arm, "Olivia called me this morning, after karaoke Spencer went home with her and…"
"And what? C'mon, you're killing me Garcia, spit it out."
"Reid confronted her, I guess he finally figured out that she's in love with him." She put a finger to his lips before he could interject, "don't interrupt me hotshot. Now, I know we all thought he'd figure it out sooner or later and finally ask her out, but we were wrong, because apparently, he told her that he wasn't ever going to love her back."
"No he didn't."
"Yeah-uh, he did!"
"How'd Olivia take it?"
"See that's what's weird. On the phone this morning, she was quiet… I expected her to cry, or at least be angry, but she was just… quiet. She just said she wanted to explain why we wouldn't be seeing her around anymore, so we wouldn't bug him about it… Weird right? You're the profiler, you can tell me what that means, right?"
Derek looked at her and sighed, "it's like you said, they really broke up."
"So, how's Reid?"
"Well, I just watched him drink half a cup of coffee with no sugar in it, so..."
"Oh, I hate this, I hate it, Derek! Is there nothing we can do?"
"No baby-girl, we've got to let this play out." He answered, wrapping an arm around her. "I know it sucks, but we've got to let Reid make his own decisions."
Penelope pressed her hand over her face, "why do I feel like I'm losing a friend?"
"Hey, look at me, c'mon, show me those pretty blue eyes of yours, there you go. Listen to me baby girl, you can be friends with anyone you want, regardless of Reid's life choices. Now dry those tears and lets get back to work, alright?"
"Okay." Penelope gulped, and smiled up at him, "you know I love you right?"
"I love you too and we are never breaking up."
"Good!"
Silence.
The complete absurdity of silence that overwhelmed Reid completely. The enormous weight of it, sitting on his chest when he woke.
Silence. Silence in the spaces between cases and days and faces.
Silence. The absence of someone else's flipping pages, of needle and thread through paper, of leather creaking and birds in the trees and the voice of an angel.
Silence. Pressing silence. Pressing his hands to his eyes. Pressing on.
Reid didn't fall back into the depression his friends feared, instead he dove more deeply into his work, refusing days off and skimming through unofficial and cold cases when there wasn't anything else to do.
News must have gotten around because nobody brought up Olivia to him. There were spaces though, silences where her name would have fallen in the conversation.
"Hey JJ, you down for ladies-night tomorrow?" Garcia glanced at Reid and then back to JJ as though he hadn't just caught her looking his way. "Blake and and I were thinking of going to that British pub, have a 'proper' pint, you know..."
"You've got plans for tonight, Baby-girl?"
"Yeah," catching sight of Reid, Garcia stumbled, "gosh, I'm sorry Blake, let me pick those up, oh thank you. As to your question hot-chocolate, I do as a matter of fact, but I'm sure I could swing you an invite, if you're interested?"
"Savanah has my dance card filled for tonight or I'd hop on that opportunity, but you two have a good night, alright. Give… her my best."
"Oh, I will, and we will."
Reid tried not to look like he'd been paying attention and he stayed at his desk longer than he'd intended, interrupted by Hotch clearing his throat on his way to the elevators. Hotch going home before him finally triggered his internal clock, and he finished the entry he had been making into the memory book and packed to go home.
The fabric and raw edged pages of the handmade book Reid had been keeping to memorialize the good in his life had become something more like a journal, a place to jot the little moments of daily life that kept him feeling human. And in a way, now it was a way to excise his day-to-day experiences into ink since his confidant was no longer available.
January 15th
Saved a life today, Garcia's ex. Had to use Narcan and Norepinephrine. She said telling him he lost was the real reason he came out of it; he's a classic narcissist so she might be right.
I didn't even hesitate with the needle. Only thought about it afterwards. How many ways that could have been me laying on the floor.
Garcia had to become the Black Queen again. I think I have an idea of what that would be like, to put on a persona, like armor, to reinvent myself in the image of a former self. In a way, I do the same thing every day at work. I become the "FBI agent", the guy who isn't paralysed by the fear of loss, the guy who figures it out and saves the day or the damsel, or the hacker in this case.
I've lost so much, its starting not to scare me anymore. Maybe that's just the apathy speaking but I almost hope its true.
February 6th
Dear… Diary? Journal?
JJ was tortured. I don't know how to help her. I don't even know half of what happened to her out there, I mean, until a day ago, non of us even knew she wasn't just working for the DOJ in DC. Without Emily, I don't think we would have found her and Cruz in time.
JJ is still hiding something, I'm trying to just be available, I'm trying to trust that she'll tell me when she's ready, but its hard to see her hurt like this.
Emily asked about Olivia, and I lied and said she was busy with a family thing. It was awkward and I don't think she believed me.
The kidnapping case had set everyone on edge, but they tracked down the website where people traded away adopted children and found the woman who had snatched the little girl, arresting the adults and the woman who'd arranged for her cousin's child to be taken.
Morgan video called Garcia to show her the happy reunion of Gabby and her mother at the station. "Oh, I needed that! Thank you!"
February 26th
Hello Diary, Diana?
I have to come up with a better name for you.
Kids cases are always difficult. But I appreciate a case where no one dies. That being said, there are some kids going into foster homes tonight, and I wish I could know that they'd be safe and happy there.
Maeve would have been an incredible mother. I know its useless to wish things would be different, but I wish we could have had that life.
JJ was still a little off colour when they landed and Reid followed her back into the office with concern but he was headed off by Garcia who intercepted him nervously, wringing her hands and biting her lip.
"What's wrong Garcia?"
"There's something… I don't know if I should be telling you, but… this case reminded me of… There's something you should know…"
Recognition dawned and he raised his hand to forestall her. "If its about Olivia, don't."
"I really think you should-"
"No Garcia, I don't want to know. I can't-" Spencer pushed past her and slumped into his desk, his face in his hands.
Helena,
I want her to forget me, but I can't forget. Maybe that's how its supposed to be. She showed me the way home, and I can't go back, I can't take back what I told her, and I can't forget everything she did for me. I didn't mean to change; I didn't realize I had.
I've been alone in a way, my whole life, why is it so much harder now?
I can only hope to bring a little of that light with me wherever I go.
Certainly, I've grown sentimental, I'm almost embarrassed to have written you those last few lines. But you won't laugh at me, will you? I'd be more than a bit insane if I started writing letters to an imaginary friend and made you laugh at me.
A case in Las Vegas gave Spencer an opportunity to see his mother and he called her, excited to make plans, it had been too long. But his calls went unanswered.
March 7thth
Helena,
Is it strange to name my diary? Maybe, but I think it fits.
Mom was busy and I didn't get to see her. Apparently, she enjoyed her fieldtrip out to see the Grand Canyon, but I feel a little disappointed? that she didn't tell me about it, or even that they changed her meds recently. Maybe its foolish to complain, she seems to be doing well enough, and its not like she has to report everything to me.
The new meds are working well enough, I guess I just feel like I should have been told when the old ones stopped being effective. JJ said its like being a parent in a twisted way, I have to let her make her own decisions. I have to leave her room to grow.
JJ's right, but I can't help but worry.
March 14th
Helena,
I've been working out and putting in extra hours at the gun range, and today it paid off. I'll never be a gym rat, but even Morgan said it was a good tackle and I'm feeling pretty good about it if I do say so myself.
March 26th
Helena,
Morgan is a dead man.
Garcia and I poured our blood sweat and tears into that fitness test, we really gave it everything we had, you should have seen us. I think I even had Morgan just a tiny bit impressed because he made me run an extra lap before telling us that he'd had the fitness test waived!
The nerve of that man.
We've made a plan to hide the body, but I've got to sleep for the next three days, so it'll have to wait.
p.s. if anyone ever finds this, I was joking and this is not evidence of premeditation!
Texas
May 7-14th: Reid was shot in the neck, the rest of the team discovered that the sheriffs department is corrupt and they are all in danger.
Penelope entered Reid's hotel room, rushing over to check on him before straightening up suddenly as though struck by lightning and digging through her purse to pull out her personal phone. "I've got to call Olivia. I can't believe I forgot, but I've been in a haze ever since I heard you got shot."
Reid tried to shake his head and grimaced. "No."
"She would want to know, I mean, you almost died!"
"No, Liv- you have to let her forget me, Garcia, please."
"Reid, I know you're trying to do the whole noble-heroic-martyr thing here but what if she never does? What if you are-"
Her work phone ringing intercepted her attempted explanation. Emily, calling to warn them that danger was on its way and it wore a uniform and carried a gun. Chaos erupted. Penelope held her breath as she wheeled Reid away, pulling the fire alarm as she went. A brief whiff of fresh air touched her face and refreshed for a second they returned, the coast clear, only to have a man dressed as an orderly attempting to inject something into Reid's IV.
"I can't have that; I have an allergy to beta-lactones."
"It's not in your chart."
Penelope saw the orderly's gun and heard Reid's frantic command to retrieve his in the same moment, though how she managed to extract it, aim, and pull the trigger in time to see the man fall, she could never quite put together afterwards. She was speaking, saying whatever came into her head though she couldn't hear the words leaving her lips. All she heard was the ringing of dull bells in her ears, as though her head was inside the belfry and somebody was hauling on the ropes below.
"You just saved my life, Garcia." Reid said, putting his hand on the gun and slowly pointing the barrel at the floor.
"That, that helps, yeah." She dropped the gun into his hands and hugged herself.
"You two, okay?" Derek asked, approaching and kicking the man's gun away before checking for a pulse.
"Yeah, I uh, I just need… I need." Penelope tried to speak but the panic was spreading as fast as the pool of blood on the floor and she couldn't look away, couldn't breathe. "He's dying, you have to help him, you have to-"
"Take a walk Garcia, I'll get him looked after, but you don't have to be here for this." Derek was pressing on the wound, but his dark eyes never left her face until she nodded and stepping gingerly around them, ran down the hall and barricaded herself in the bathroom.
"Olivia." Penelope said the name like an exhale of breath, a relief after holding it for so long.
"Penny? Are you okay? What's wrong?"
"Uh, yeah, I, no, I mean, I just shot someone."
"What? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm… I'm fine. He was a bad guy, Olivia; he was going to hurt Reid!"
"Spencer? Is he okay? Penny, I need you to tell me if he's okay."
"He, yeah, he's okay. I had to shoot a bad guy; I can't believe I did it. I did that! I used Reid's gun and I shot him because he was going to kill Reid."
"Breathe for me Penny, in, and then out, good. Where's Derek, is he there?"
"Yes, yes he's with Reid."
"And you're all okay?"
"Yes. I mean, Reid got shot," Garcia heard the sharp intake of breath on the other end of the phone and continued hastily, "in the neck, but he's not bleeding anymore, he's awake and the doctors said he lost a lot of blood but he's going to be totally fine, they stabilized him and he's going to be okay, and he told me not to call you, but I had to! I'm not cut out for the shooting and running and hiding stuff and you're normal- I mean, you're like me, and I needed to talk to somebody like me!"
"Ok. I'm here Penny, I'm listening."
"I just shot a person, and he didn't die, Derek was helping him and I saw doctors running over when I left… But if he dies then I killed him! I'm a vegetarian! I don't squish ants, not even the creepy flying ones! I never wanted to hurt anybody but I couldn't let him kill Reid and now… I don't know what to do."
"You didn't mean to hurt anybody, I know that. You did what you had to do, you did the right thing. Deep breaths Penny, you are going to be okay, okay?"
"You sound really sure, how are you so sure?"
"Because you just saved Reid's life, which makes you a hero, and because I'm going to buy the biggest tub of Ben and Jerry's double chocolate fudge for you when you get back."
"With a movie and popcorn?"
"With extra m&ms- Yes, of course."
"I'll bring my PJs." Garcia said, laughing a little and noticing it was just a little easier to breathe again.
"It's a date. Now go get a hug from that hunk of yours and make sure Spencer's got enough jello, you know that man is mad for the grape and orange."
"Ok, yes, ok, I can do that. I can… Oh! I forgot, how's the little one settling in?"
"She's… getting better, it's a tough transition."
"Well, tell her that her favorite Auntie Penny misses her, ok?"
"I will. Be safe."
May 16th
Helena,
Alex stayed with me until I woke up. I was just getting comfortable with things again, and now she's leaving the BAU. I understand, I don't I'm not angry with her, after what she told me about Ethan, she must have felt like she was losing her son over again. I hope all the best for her.
In a way Alex was a little bit like a mother to me, I could tell her about Maeve or anything else going on in my life, and she always took the time to listen.
I'm beginning to understand why Olivia doesn't didn't say Goodbye. I hate it. Everything is changing.
"Do you ever feel like your future is behind you?" Reid asked.
"Yeah. All the time." Blake answered, turning toward the door with one last gentle pat on his arm.
"It's not though, is it?"
"No, it isn't."
"Goodbye, Alex."
Reid's journal entries began daily, but as the months passed, he found himself reaching for his sketch pad more often than the lined paper. Still, he had things to say from time to time, and he found the imaginary listener helpful whenever he needed to put words to paper.
January 28th
Helena,
I thought I had nothing left to lose. I was wrong.
Gideon is dead.
February 13th
Helena,
I met a woman named Einstein. Morgan tried to convince me to ask her out, but then he also told me to leave him alone with a bomb, so either he's bad at giving advice or I'm bad at taking it.
Either way, I couldn't make myself do it. Dylan is everything I should find attractive, brilliant, beautiful, driven. It's not even about Maeve anymore, I think its just me.
Gideon has never made more sense to me. But I can't make his choice, I need the work, it's the only thing I can do that still matters.
March 26th
Helena,
Interesting case, Russian mobsters, spent a day doing covert surveillance. I don't have the opportunity to stretch my linguistic skills often, it was refreshing. Ok, I'm not really writing to tell you about how well I can speak Yoruba… The other analyst was a woman.
I screwed up and spoiled part of the plot of the book she was reading within the first two minutes of meeting her, but she's funny, and I felt like we were getting along. At least until I almost broke our cover. I don't know how Loker does it, listening to all of that and not letting it get to her.
If I'm honest, she reminded me of Olivia.
Maeve and Gideon are dead and I miss them, but its different because I know they are really gone.
I miss my best friend.
Notes:
The next chapter will run through fragments of season 10 and 11 and set us up for season 12.
Trying to keep these intermediate chapters interesting for you, and throwing little hints and Easter eggs in as we go!