Love is Pain
Part Five
Lambdadelta knew that voice.
She knew that smell.
She even knew that lovely blue hair, which was now falling against her back and over her shoulders.
It was the same hair she would sit and run her fingers through when she was bored. She would plait and twist it into intricate styles and pepper it with candy, not because she had any aspirations of being a stylist (not like Gaap), but because it felt nice being that close to her. It felt nice when her gentle ministrations weren't rejected. It felt nice being able to delude herself her feelings were reciprocated because sometimes- just sometimes- she didn't push her hands away.
When Lambdadelta spoke, her voice was quiet; barely louder than the sound made by a butterfly's beating wings.
"B-bern…?"
But the person hugging her still heard it all the same.
The Witch of Miracles didn't respond verbally. Lambdadelta had no way of knowing this, but the look on Bern's face suggested that she physicallycouldn't. The words wouldn't come even when she opened her mouth. So Bernkastel only nodded.
It was still enough.
Lambdadelta couldn't see her expression, but she could feel Bern nod- and she could also feel it when Bernkastel's arms tightened round her waist just a little more, in a slightly… possessive… gesture?
Or maybe it was meant to be comforting.
It's alright. Don't be sad. I'm here… see…?
Ahaha… But at this point, Lambdadelta was just putting words into Bern's mouth.
She was indulging herself with dreams that would never come true. There was no crueller torture than hoping on hopes that would never come true.
Even Beato knew that.
Bernkastel would never say something kind and soothing. She wasn't that sort of person. She would never say…
"Hey…"
Bernkastel's voice was uncertain, unsteady. She obviously didn't know what to say, how to say it- and she wasn't used to comforting people, least of all Lambdadelta, least of all… people who loved her… so her voice sounded robotic. But she was trying her best to communicate something very important.
"Don't cry. It's… … alright…"
Lambdadelta gasped, as though cold hands had been pressed against the back of her neck.
"B-bern…?"
W-was it possible that Bernkastel, the cruellest witch, who would never say anything sentimental or emotional, and who couldn't even experience or understandsuch feelings, was actually trying to comfort her?
Despite her tear-stained cheeks, Lambdadelta found her lips curving into a small, self-deprecating smile.
Miracles were impossible, weren't they? So wasn't this scene impossible?
Lambdadelta would deny it. She denied it ever happened. This was the sort of thing pitiful humans did when didn't want to accept how cruel and tragic the reality of being alone and despised was.
They made imaginary friends.
Was this scene some kind of hallucination?
Maybe, thought Lambdadelta, she was still inside that place after all. Maybe she had never made it out of that logic error, and this was just a happy dream. A last comfort created by somebody with nothing left. It was a fantasy created by a witch… who couldn't accept reality.
Ahaha. Was that… ironic?
Lambdadelta tried to stop crying, she really did, but-
B-but-
W-well.
Some things were impossible, after all.
She couldn't stop herself.
"Don't cry." Bernkastel's voice was a little sharper this time. "You're not that pathetic, are you, Lambdadelta?"
"H-haa?" Lambdadelta sniffed, wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands. "Pathetic…? Yeah, maybe… B-but even I get sad sometimes, you know… E-even if you can't understand-"
"I can understand."
"Bern…?"
"Or, at least…" Bernkastel bit her lower lip. "I think I can understand. So don't cry. There's really no need. Because you're wailing so ungracefully over a worry… that isn't true."
"W-wha'…? H-how do you know what I'm worrying about?"
"Because I heardyou. Idiot."
"I-I'm not an idiot, I'm super paper!" And then… "A-aah…? Y-you heard? How much did you hear?"
"Some crying, some shouting… It was bad behaviour from an immature child who just wants attention, as per usual. You're so dull and predictable, you know?"
Lambdadelta's shoulders tensed.
"Oh. Thanks."
Her voice was bitter. Angry. Hurt.
Bernkastel winced slightly. Were her words too harsh? But that was the only way she knew how to talk. She may have wanted Lambdadelta to be truthful… but being truthful was very difficult for Bernkastel as well.
How could she be kind and affectionate when she had only ever experienced pain and betrayal? Was it even possible?
Could a bird in a cage learn a new song?
If it couldn't… then what was the point in it being alive?
Bernkastel narrowed her eyes. This was no good. She did like Lambdadelta… and she didn't want to make her cry even more. She didn't like seeing that person, who should have been cheerful and happy, upset.
In fact, her feelings on the matter ran further than 'not liking' it.
She hated it.
Lambdadelta had to happy… because it made herfeel happier, too. Or, if that wasn't the case- then it at least made her feel less empty.
She couldn't let Lambda leave her.
She couldn't let Lambda hate her.
She couldn't.
If she did… maybe even a heartless person like Bernkastel would learn just how much it hurt to cry over somebody who didn't care for her tears.
"I heard that you said… you loved me…"
"Yeah, so?"
Bernkastel faltered. Had her words really hurt Lambda that much? Had her own selfish actions… led to Lambda being in this pitiful state? Had she pained that childish witch who was much, much better at being happy than her?
Bernkastel was only one of the many people Lambdadelta knew… so why did her words matter so much? It wasn't like Lambda didn't have other friends. She was cute, she was friendly, and she was likable.
She wasn't like Bernkastel.
Lambdadelta wouldn't be alone if Bernkastel left her.
But Bern would.
So… why did Lambda care about her so much… …?
Was it because of that feeling?
Could she really…?
Was it… true…?
Bernkastel hardly dared believe it. She was used to being uncared for, even despised, or feared. She was used to being unhappy. But…
"What do you mean, 'so'?"
"Well… M-my feelings don't really matter, do they, Bern? Hehehe~"
Lambdadelta's laugh was light and girlish, but it was offset by the way she shaking, and the tears trickling down her face. It didn't sound right- it didn't sound right at all. It was painful to listen to; painful in a way that made Bernkastel want to claw out Lambda's throat.
She was lying again.
"Lambda…"
But Lambdadelta wouldn't listen. At this point, she couldn't. Her face flushed bright red… and she began to shout. Her voice was raw- and it sounded like each word hurt as it forced its way from her throat.
"My feelings don't matter because you can't understand them and you can't return them! So why are you asking me how I feel? Why are you pretending that you care? I know that's impossible and you never could!"
There was a small silence- but it wasn't comforting. It was cold and it made Bernkastel's skin prickle. It was sort of silence that would resound at the end of a war. After the rattling of guns had ceased, and the sounds of screaming, gasping, dying had gutted out into a dark oblivion… there would be nobody left. So there wouldn't be any noise.
But it wouldn't be a pleasant silence.
It was a silence that existed because the only ones who could break it had been hurt too badly to speak anymore.
But the sound of Lambdadelta's heavy breathing was, after some time, able to shatter the temporary illusion of grave, deathly quiet.
Lambdadelta collapsed against Bernkastel's arms like a pile of rags. She was no longer a proud witch. Instead, she was a miserable creature that couldn't support its own weight. And Bernkastel noticed, despite Lambdadelta's anger from earlier, she hadn't pulled away from her tight embrace.
She hadn't even tried.
Lambdadelta's voice was hoarse and broken… and far too quiet. It was too sincere for such a melodramatic person.
"Ahaha.~ Why are you… hugging me…? Are you just trying to mess around with me? Is this some kind of punishment? If that's true… then t-this is… T-this…" A sigh; a quiet hiccup, as though she was going to cry again. "T-this illusion is really mean, Bern. This is the meanest thing you could ever do… playing around with my feelings like that…
"B-but, even if you don't understand how I feel… I-I don't want to leave you… A-and if you're going to pretend you care about me, a-and it's not even real, then… that's fine. A-and I'll accept it. And take it. Because… I-I don't want you to leave me."
There were real tears now. Her voice was thick, almost inaudible.
"B-because… I-it's because… I'm an idiot. A-and I keep hoping you'll understand… And m-maybe you'll accept me. B-but even if you don't, I'll still follow you around because… because…"
A thick, painful gasp. It sounded like she was choking. Lambdadelta's head fell forwards; hands gripping Bernkastel's own, clasped around her front.
"Because Iloveyou."
There was another long silence. It played against a gentle backdrop of Lambdadelta crying, and trying to wipe those embarrassing tears away with the back of her hands. She rubbed her eyes so much they were red raw.
Did Lambdadelta laugh and shout and contort her face into hideous expressions so often... to hide this softer side of her character…?
Did she do it to protect herself?
Bernkastel's eyes widened slightly in surprise- and then welled with compassion.
If that was true, then Lambdadelta wasn't all that different from her, with her emotionless mask- and those empty purple eyes.
They weren't that different.
And, although Bernkastel pretended otherwise, she couldn't deny it; not anymore.
They needed each other.
She had been unhappy when Lambda left her, too…
And so, although she wasn't very good with words, she would try and communicate her feelings. She would do her best. Because she didn't want Lambdadelta to cry.
Lambdadelta always comforted her. Now, Bernkastel had to try. Even though she felt awkward and unsteady like a right-handed person trying to write neatly with their left hand… she would do her best. Even if her words came out messily, sloppily or just plain wrong.
There was no shame in being wrong sometimes.
Wasn't this…?
These real tears, this soft embrace, those loving words…
Wasn't this the kind of truthful relationship she had always wanted?
Wasn't this something precious?
She would… do her best.
And she would try.
"…Don't be stupid, Lambda."
"I-I know I'm being stupid. Y-you don't need to tell me! T-there's a limit to how cruel you can be with a young girl's heart, you know. Hahaha~"
"But you're being even stupider than usual. Because you never thought, that there might be the slightest possibility that I… I-I…. I…"
Bernkastel looked at the floor shyly, lashes trembling, tail twitching.
How funny…
So, in the end, even though she always accused Lambdadelta of being a liar, shewas the one who couldn't express her real feelings.
Wasn't that pitiful?
…No.
She would tell her- she would. She had to…
Because she didn't want to lose the person she was holding in her arms.
Bernkastel didn't want to make that ridiculous child, who always cried and played with her hair and spoke too loudly and wore too much pink and skipped everywhere instead of walking and had an insatiable sweet tooth and crunched candies between her teeth like thunder and talked with her mouth full and would never let her concentrate when she was reading and followed her around all the time and held her when she had nightmares and told her she loved her when nobody else did and made her feel happylike nobody else could, cry.
She wanted to protect that person… because they meant a lot to her.
More than anybody did, or ever could.
And that was because…
"Lambda, you idiot. Why didn't it ever occur to you… that maybe… Maybe… M-maybe I… … … I… care about you… too…"
"… …H-huh?"
Lambdadelta's eyes widened to almost comic proportions, until those red, red eyes seem to eat up at least half of her face. It would have been quite funny to watch, maybe… if the look on her expression hadn't been so heart-rending and sincere.
Her lashes were spiky with tears, and light silver tracks of tears still sparkled her on cheeks.
Her brows were raised; mouth open slightly in a small 'o'; and her whole body was trembling.
For one of the first times in her life, Lambdadelta was being completely truthful. There was nothing false about the expression on her face at all. It was impossible to fake a display of emotion like that.
It was just a shame Bernkastelcouldn't see it because she was standing behind her; arms round her back, resting just under her chest. But she could still hear the ragged breathing that came from Lambdadelta's parted lips. It sounded forced. She could still hear the sound of her heartbeat, hammering against the cage of her ribs in a frantic thud thud thud. It sounded painful. She could still feel Lambdadelta trembling, just like a leaf in the breeze.
She felt... as though she was falling apart.
Bernkastel could tell all that just by hugging her tightly- so maybe she didn't need to see the look on her face at all.
She understood the emotions without Lambdadelta's expression just fine.
But Bernkastel wanted to make sure, all the same.
Bernkastel had never heard anybody cry over her before… so she wanted to see what sort of face that ridiculous witch stupid enough to love her would pull… when they learnt their love wasn't entirely one-sided after all.
Slowly, Bernkastel moved her arms from Lambda's middle. Then, she placed those hands on her shoulders, and gently- just as gently as if she were handling a flower- turned Lambdadelta around.
The look on the other girl's face shocked her.
She had never seen Lambda so vulnerable before, or… so helpless…
Was this really because she loved her?
She loved her?
"Why?"
"W-what do you mean, 'why', Bern?"
Bernkastel started slightly. She hadn't realized she'd been talking aloud. The faint look of confusion that spread across her usually stoic expression was enough, just enough, to make Lambdadelta smile ever so slightly, despite her dishevelled appearance.
That smile was worth Lambda's own weight in gold. It made Bernkastel's heart, which she always thought was black and dead, flutter slightly in her chest.
"Why do you love me?" Bernkastel asked, her voice faltering despite her best efforts to keep it steady. It trembled just like her heart, as though her voice were made from paper. "I-I don't understand. There's nothing lovable about me at all…"
"Well. I-I can't even describe it! I… I can't explain why I like cake so much, but I like you more than that… and… I like what I like and that's there all there is to it!" Lambdadelta laughed nervously, averting her eyes to the side of Bern's face.
"You know… sometimes, you just look so lonely despite how cold you act. And I don't want you to feel like that. I want you to be happy, and I want you to have somebody to rely on, so you won't feel alone anymore. And then… I decided I wanted to be that person… who was always with you. Because I know what it's like to be trapped too, and I understand… why you would act so cold; especially after everything you've been through… and maybe another person wouldn't understand, because they haven't experienced something that dreadful, like I have… Maybe I'm the only one who can understand… and sympathize. A-and I want to think… that somebody needs me. So I don't feel useless. But, somewhere along the line… I think I started needing you, too."
Bernkastel couldn't breathe. It felt as though somebody had stolen all the air out of her lungs; sucked it out with a straw.
She was light-headed, almost dizzy.
She had never thought anybody would care about her like this- she never thought she was worthy… And humans were all liars, anyway. Why should she care about their false sentiments? She wasn't going to be a gullible fool anymore, hurt by her own feelings.
But, if she lived by that logic, then she would never open her heart to anybody. And she would always be alone.
And if she was alone… she might as well be back inside that world created by Auaurora.
What was the point in trying to escape, if she was going to put herself back inside the closed room of her heart with thinking like that? What was the point in trying to escape if she still pushed everybody away?
She didn't want to do that.
She… … couldn't.
"H-haaa…"
Bernkastel gasped softly as fingers, Lambda's fingers, gently cupped her cheek. Those black gloves provided a sharp contrast against Bernkastel's pale skin, like a raven's feather resting on a soft bed of perfect, immaculate, piled-up snow.
"B-bern…?" asked Lambda, cherry blossom lips parting in worry. "What's wrong…?"
"D-don't… D-don't…"
"Huh?" Lambdadelta couldn't hear, and leant in a little closer; so close, her nose almost bumped against Bern's. "What? What's wrong?"
"Don't… Don't go…"
"Aaah? What's this, what's this?~"
Smiling softly, impishly, just like usual, Lambdadelta tilted her head to one side. It was almost as if nothing had changed… but there was something warm in that smile; a love that Bernkastel rarely saw- or maybe her heart had been too closed to see it properly before.
The bits of candy in Lambdadelta's hair clinked together, just like a cup being set upon a saucer.
Lambdadelta would never know just how much her simple smile affected Bern- or how it made her small, frightened heart tremble.
"Don't go," Bernkastel repeated.
Her voice was quiet, broken, and desperate. She wanted to snatch up those filthy, disgusting, embarassing words and stuff them back into her mouth- but, at the same time… H-hadn't she said she wanted to be truthful?
It was easy to mock others, to scorn them, to be cruel.
But it took real strength to be gentle and kind.
Bernkastel wasn't a strong person. She was weak. So she hid from other people, and pushed them away. But Lambda was the only person who could see this side of her character…
And so she wanted Lambdadelta to know.
"I-I don't want to be alone. I-I just want you to tell the truth when you're with me… a-and… I want you to stay with me. Please."
Bernkastel's face was flushed light pink. There was no doubting the sincerity of those words… even though Lambdadelta had to pinch herself with her free hand, to make sure she wasn't dreaming.
But she didn't wake up.
Bernkastel's skin under her gloved fingers didn't alter or distort, or scatter in a chill breeze. She was still there…
Lambdadelta was still there, too, hand cupping Bern's cheek- and Bern still said, with the air of a confused young girl with a first crush, and not a thousands-year-old cruel witch incapable of feeling emotion-
"I… felt horrible when you weren't with me. And maybe I was taking your presence for granted… so I never realized… t-that…"
Bernkastel looked at Lambdadelta, eyes too wide, face too pale, trembling…
"I… I love you, too. I... really do."
Lambdadelta blinked.
She stared.
Then…
She began to giggle- very, very softly.
And she lightly flicked Bern's forehead.
"Hey… Stuu~uupid. I'm the emotional one out of us, right? I was the one who was meant to be crying. So… don't you start. Because… I'd just feel guilty. I want to make you feel happy."
"L-lambda…"
"So, don't worry."
Once more, Lambdadelta cupped Bernkastel's cheek in her hand. Tremulously, hardly daring to believe this kind of ending could exist… Lambdadelta drew just a little closer to Bern. They had kissed before, yes- but there was something more intimate about this. That apathetic, aloof mask had been torn from Bern's face, revealing this sad, scared young girl. Lambdadelta knew she didn't look too good either, given her eyes were red from crying, and her hair was a mess, and she kept trembling, and it didn't feel like her legs could support her anymore…
But that was fine.
Because, for once, they were both telling the truth. Even if it hurt. They told each other their real feelings anyway.
Because getting hurt was part of being in love, wasn't it…? And the pain made moments like this even sweeter.
As Lambdadelta dipped her head, she swore she could count each and every one of Bern's smoky eyelashes as they fell shut against her pale skin…
And, gently, softly, with the same pressure of falling snow landing on the ground and melting away-
Lambda leant forwards…
And pressed her lips against Bern's.
Of course, one kiss didn't make anything fine. It made nothing fine. This relationship would still be horribly messed up because the two people involved in it were. And that would never change.
So there would be no 'happily ever after' ending.
But, at that moment, when Lambdadelta closed her eyes… she found she didn't care.
Because this was... perfect… just the way it was.