Chapter 16

'Medical Emergency!'

Something made Ronon wake up. He saw all on duty personnel rush out of the infirmary, closely followed by Dr. Keller. Something was up.

He looked over at Rodney's bed. He was lying on his side, back turned to Ronon. But his breathing seemed normal for a sleeping person. Ronon looked around the empty place, silence overwhelming him.

Contrary to what Ronon thought, Rodney was not asleep. His eyes closed, he relived the hours in the sauna with the women. He had loved their attention. Why had he reacted so much to them? He loved Jennifer. He was not the kind of man who got aroused by every woman coming in his neighbourhood. So why now? The whole massaging thing hadn't gone any further than that seeing the women had brought knives to the event. But that was what worried him most of all.

Earlier, when he had looked into Jennifer's worried eyes and his heart had filled with all the love he felt inside for her, he was crushed down with the unstoppable need to feel the pain again, to feel the knife cut through his skin, to feel the warm blood leaving his body, coating him like warm sweet honey.

At first he thought it would pass. But now each time he felt good and happy, seeing his friends, feeling save in Atlantis, the urge to cut got worse and worse. He could no longer look at them. He could not stand them being near him.

He didn't know how long he would be able to resist the screaming urge he felt building inside him. So he had yelled for them to leave him.

But making them go away had not reduced the need. He had slept after the injection. But now he was wide awake.

It would be so easy. Seemed a medical emergency had pulled everyone who was on duty away. He was in the right place to find something to cut himself with. And now, for the last 30 minutes, he had been staring at the tray standing not too far away from him, the surgical blade calling out to him.

He struggled to keep his hands under the covers. He could turn his friends away. But how could he run away from his love of science, of Atlantis even. He had never before realised how he liked it in Atlantis, how much he enjoyed his job, working with the people, finding new things, figuring out problems.

And with that realisation came again the crushing need to cut himself. He felt his tears warm on his face. This was one ordeal he could not survive. This planet and what the people had done to him over a simple sneeze would be the end of Dr. Rodney McKay.

He could no longer resist the urge. Leaning out of his bed, he grabbed the small sharp blade. He didn't even look at it any more, knowing exactly where he wanted to cut.

The fine blade ran smoothly over his arm. One cut, two cuts, three cuts, again and again the metal opened up the skin, releasing the vital fluid. With each cut he screamed inside his head. The pain increasing with each cut. And he loved it.

Realising what he was doing, he stopped his hand to look at his arm. Blood ran freely, drops already staining the crisp white linen.

It wasn't fair. He couldn't do this to his friends.

Slowly he turned on his back, looking over to Ronon. He could tell Ronon was not asleep. Rodney got up from his bed and walked the short distance to his friend.

Ronon must have noticed something from the corner of his eyes. He turned to see McKay standing next to his bed.

'McKay? Shouldn't you be asleep?' He asked his friend.

He could see McKay saying something. But what?

'McKay, you need to use the pad.'

But Rodney ignored him, talking away.

'sor….end….take…..Jennif…..'

Ronon shook his head. Did he hear some of the words?

Abruptly, Rodney turned around and walked away. But he did not stop at his bed. He just kept going?

It was then the Ronon noticed the drops of blood trailing behind McKay.

'McKay!' Ronon shouted. But he saw a last glimpse of him as he left the room.

Something was seriously wrong. Looking around the room, he saw the crutches Keller had shown him. Suppressing a moan, he sat up, pushing his foot over the edge of the bed and pulling himself upright. He grabbed one of the crutches and put it under his arm. He took one step forward. His body protesting in agony as he felt some of the stitching in his chest tear. He could not put any weight on his foot.

He only knew his friend was in trouble and he needed to go after him.

Ignoring the pain, he stumbled forward, following the blood now evident on the floor. He knew he had to find someone to get a message to Sheppard but it was late and there was no one in the corridors.

The trail led him to one of the transporters. Rodney had transported away but where to?

For once, Ronon was glad to see blood. Rodney had used his bloodied fingers to press the buttons. Ronon followed the same path.

He walked out of the transporter and found himself on the west pier. He saw Rodney walking slowly to the end.

'McKay!' Ronon shouted after him but he did not seem to notice.

Rodney went through his knees, unaware he had been followed.

He just wanted it all to end. He could not live like this, always feeling the urge to cut himself each time he felt good. No, it would be better if he ended it now. Slowly he lifted he knife.

It was amazing how smoothly it went through first his right and then his left wrist. The pain was welcomed and the blood now oozing out as he cut the artery, a beautiful flow in rhythm with his heartbeat.

Ronon tried to walk faster but his body would not allow it. Too many minutes passed and he saw Rodney fall down.

Finally he made it to his friend, seeing the pool of blood quickly forming around him.

Ronon dropped down and pulled Rodney in his arms.

'What have you done?' He whispered. He held up Rodney's arms in an attempt to slow the bleeding but it wasn't doing much good.

Frantically, the pulled off his hospital top. Using his teeth he pulled strips of the fabric and wound them around Rodney's wrists. At long last that seemed to slow the bleeding at least a little.

Holding his friend close, he noticed Rodney's open eyes.

'Rodney?' He asked hesitantly.

Rodney seemed to focus for a moment.

'Ronon?'

And then he started sobbing.

'Please, Ronon, let me die.'

'I could never do that, Rodney.'

'But you don't understand.' The tears now relentless.

'Talk to me.' And then it hit Ronon like a bullet. He could hear Rodney!

'Why do you want to die?' Focusing back on his friend.

Rodney tried to pull away, grab the knife that had fallen out of his hands. But Ronon held him.

'Please, Ronon. I need to cut.'

Ronon looked confused.

'Why, Rodney?'

Rodney tried again to free himself from the Satedan. But he was feeling weak. Perhaps he had lost enough blood after all and he would slowly slip away. But Ronon shook him.

'Why, McKay?' Ronon said louder.

'On the planet, they made me feel so good. And then they cut me. I hated it first. But then I learned to love it. I love it so much now that when anything or anyone makes me feel good, I need to feel the pain as well. Ronon, I can't live like that. I can't look at Jennifer and at the same time want to grab a knife. Please, my friend. Please let me die.' Rodney looked up pleading.

'We'll find a way. We'll help you.'

Rodney just shook his head. With a last effort, he pushed hard against Ronon's chest, feeling the already wet bandages. He knew he was hurting Ronon but he had to get away. He had to die.

Ronon screamed in agony at his friend's assault and briefly let go.

Rodney slipped away, dragging himself to the edge of the pier, fully intent on going over and disappearing into the water.

But he hadn't counted on Ronon. With all his strength, Ronon pushed himself up and landed hard on Rodney before this one made it to the water.

The weight of the large Satedan stopping him from his ultimate goal was the last thing Rodney remembered.

TBC