Chapter 18

The day went by slowly. Rodney slept a little but soon picked up his pad again to start working, seemingly all ok again.

Sheppard still had a nagging feeling about it all. He just wanted Ronon to wake up. But he was still fighting an infection in his chest. He had developed pneumonia and his breathing was still very difficult.

Teyla and John had taken a break but were soon sitting with their friends again.

The sun was setting and Rodney had finished his dinner. He looked around the quiet infirmary, noticing Sheppard and Teyla had popped out to get something to eat as well.

He casually asked:

'Jennifer, can't I go to my own bed to rest now. I mean, there's no reason I need to be here, is there? I'm fine.'

Jennifer hesitated for a moment.

'Please!' Rodney gave her his puppy dog eyes which he knew she could not resist.

'Alright then. But I'll check on you and if I see you are overdoing it already, you will be back here before you can even complain. Is that understood?' She made herself clear.

'Scouts honour, I just want to sleep in my own bed. And I'll look forward to your visit.' He added cheekily. Jennifer smiled and started to disconnect the syringe still in his hand.

Happy, Rodney got up and walked out with his pad already in front of him.

When Sheppard and Teyla returned, he immediately noticed the empty bed.

'Where's Rodney?' He walked to Keller.

She looked up from the slide she had been studying.

'He went to his own room to sleep. There was no reason to keep him here. I will check on him during the night, rest assured.'

'But, Doc, . . . . .' Sheppard started to complain when loud coughing was heard from Ronon's bed. They both rushed to him.

Ronon had his eyes open. He was agitated.

'Rodney?' He looked at Sheppard questioningly.

'Rodney's fine. What happened?'

Ronon shook his head vehemently.

'You promised!' He hissed between clenched teeth, trying to get out of the bed. Sheppard easily stopped him.

'Talk to me. What happened?'

'McKay wants to die. He tried to kill himself. You can't leave him!' Ronon spat at him.

Sheppard looked up at Jennifer, trying to find some assurance in her eyes that Rodney would never do that.

Ronon grabbed Sheppard's shirt.

'Find him!'

Sheppard turned around and started running faster and faster. Why did McKay's room have to be the other side of the city? And was he even there?

oooOOOooo

When Rodney had woken up, he immediately realised he was back in the infirmary. He could have cried. He didn't want to be there, he wanted to die.

Looking over at Ronon, he could see the Satedan was fast asleep. With a bit of luck, he'd be able to get out of there soon and still end it all.

He knew how to pretend everything was fine. He had made it an art during his school years so people wouldn't see how they hurt him, just because he was smart. And although he hated to deceive Jennifer, it was better she didn't know.

At first he had expected them to ask about the suicide attempt but it became clear very quickly that Ronon had not been able to tell them anything yet. So there was still time.

Hearing Ronon had developed an infection and pneumonia, assured him the big man was not going to wake up any time soon. He felt for his friend but he was in good hands. And Jennifer cared for him as well. He knew Ronon had special feelings for Jennifer. And given time, and the fact Rodney would no longer be in the way, she would love Ronon as well. He'd take care of her after he was gone.

He had taken his time, showing he was fine, even pretending to be working on his pad, when actually he had been looking at the fastest way to get back to his room. He updated his will and then wrote a few goodbye notes, to John, Teyla, Sam and Jennifer.

He had timed it perfectly, when Sheppard and Teyla had gone, to ask Jennifer to go back to his room. He knew how to manipulate her. He didn't feel good about it. But she'd learn to forgive him, after he was gone.

The route to his quarters was burned in his mind. As soon as he left the infirmary, he rushed through the different corridors, using the transporters and finally making it to his door.

It opened and Rodney walked into his home. He locked the door behind him.

He sat down on his bed. He had one last note to write.

Dear friend,

I am sorry. I didn't mean to drag you into my ending. You know why I have to go, why I can't live my life anymore.

Thank you for being my friend these last years. I know I'm not the easiest person to work with. Thank you for all the times you saved me.

Don't feel bad. There was nothing you could have done to save me this time.

Please take care of Jennifer for me. I know she is special to you as well.

Your friend,

Rodney McKay

He had written it on some note paper as he knew Ronon hated all the electronic gadgets he loved so much. Folding the small paper, he put it next to Jennifer's photo.

He looked around his room one last time. He had loved it here. And with that he gave in to his craving to cut himself. In a drawer he kept his Swiss knife, a present from his father a long time ago. He unfolded the longest blade, sat down on his bed and looked at the weapon, wondering if it would be long enough for his purpose.

In the back of his mind he heard banging on the door.

'Rodney!'

Someone was shouting his name. Too late.

With deliberate force he plunged down the blade into his upper leg, severing the main blood vessels. No slow death this time. The blood gushed out, only a few minutes and death would welcome him. He felt light headed, dropping the knife, still clutched in his hand, his body slowly sinking onto the bed, his last thoughts for Jennifer as he passed out.

TBC