Chapter 20

Slowly his mind woke up. He started noticing things around him. Should he open his eyes and see what the afterlife was all about?

Something was wrong. The afterlife sounded very much like the infirmary. He could hear voices in the distance coming closer. Someone was touching his hand. Someone carefully caressed his face. So soft, so sweet. He could not stop the moan escaping his lips. Where was the pain?

'Rodney?'

He knew that voice, he loved that voice, whispering his name. He loved the mouth it came out of, with sweet lips he loved to kiss.

Again he moaned. Where was the pain? He needed to feel pain.

'Rodney?' the voice tried again.

He had to open his eyes. Face the consequences. Part of him hoped it was indeed his afterlife but most of him knew that would not be the vision when he opened his eyes.

'Rodney.' A smiling face, his Jennifer, looking so pleased to see his bright eyes again.

A tear slipped down his face. He tried to wipe it off only to notice he could not use his hands.

'What?' he stuttered.

He tried to concentrate again. Looking down his body, he could see the sheet covering him up. He could also feel the restraints keeping him in place on the bed.

'Why?' He looked up at Jennifer.

'Rodney, we can't take any changes. Until we figure this out, you will be restrained.'

He could hear the pain in her voice. He turned away from her, not wanting to face her accusing eyes.

'You should have let me die. Please, leave me.'

'Rodney, Ronon told us.'

'So.'

'We'll find a way.'

'No, you won't. If there was any other way, don't you think I would have tried it!' He started to get upset as realisation hit him: he was still very much alive and now everyone knew what he had done.

'Rodney, please, I'm only trying to help.'

But he refused to let her in, arguing it was better she let him go. As no words were spoken, he soon felt her leave his bedside. After a while he turned around, seeing her standing over Ronon, talking quietly. His heart broke a little at the sight. He had pushed her to Ronon, he knew that. Still it was not easy to see.

oooOOOooo

It was the middle of the night when Rodney finally woke up. Jennifer had convinced Sheppard and Teyla to get some rest. She had not taken her own advice.

After she had heard from Ronon what Rodney had done, or tried to, twice now, she did not understand. He was such a strong man. Why give in now? Did he doubt her love for him? Was it so easy to give up on her?

The conversation had not gone well either. In the end she had walked to Ronon to check how he was doing. The rest and lots of medication seemed to be doing their job.

'How is he?' Ronon whispered.

'Not good.'

She fussed around his bandages, barely noticing the heat still radiating from his body. If she had, she would have known Ronon was not doing well at all. But he didn't complain or say anything. She had other worries on her mind.

'Don't give up on him.' He quietly asked, 'He's a good man.'

Jennifer nodded. She knew that. And she could help him with anything physical. But how could she help him with his mental anguish?

'You better get some sleep.' She absentmindedly spoke the words.

'You too.' Ronon closed his eyes while Jennifer left his bedside, eyes on Rodney all the time.

He waited until it was quiet in the infirmary, everyone asleep or working quietly in some corner. He looked over at Rodney.

'McKay!' He quietly called out.

Rodney just turned away from him as much as the restraints would allow.

'Rodney!' He tried again without much success.

Ronon shook his head. Then it had to be the hard way. He slowly lifted his leg off the bed and sat up. His head was spinning. He had never felt worse in his life. And he knew he should just stay in bed. But he had to talk to McKay. Using different trolleys and cupboards, he stumbled to McKay's bedside. By the time he reached his friend, he felt even worse.

Breathing was hard, his head was pounding. The fever he had been fighting returned in full force and he could see his vision going blurry. But he had made it.

'McKay, you need to hold on.'

Finally Rodney looked at him.

'Ronon, are you ok?' The scientist noticed immediately something was seriously wrong with his friend. He should not be out of bed. Why had he come over?

'Listen to me. I can help. I can train you to resist the urge. Just hold on.' It was getting difficult to talk but Ronon wanted McKay to know there was a way out of this.

'Ronon, I don't ….'

'Give me a change. Promise to wait . . . ' Ronon tried to shake his head but that only increased the pain and fast encroaching dizziness.

Rodney looked at the tall Satedan, slowly losing the battle to stay conscious.

'RONON!' McKay shouted but his friend just collapsed on the floor.

'Jennifer!' Rodney shouted out loud. She came running, immediately noticing the unconscious body on the ground.

'Some help here!'

Assistants came rushing to her and soon Ronon was back in his bed.

As Jennifer assessed him, she was angry with herself for not noticing his true condition earlier. She had been so focused on Rodney, she had let Ronon down.

'Jennifer, how is he doing?' Rodney shouted from his bed. He pulled on his restraints to get free. He felt so helpless.

It took what seemed like forever before she finally walked to him.

'How is he doing?' Rodney asked worried.

'Not good. His body is fighting a serious infection and he has pneumonia. Why did he get out of bed?'

'I ignored him.'

Was there anything he could do right at this moment? First he dropped Ronon and now, because he refused to acknowledge him, he had gotten out of bed and walked to him, just to ask not to give up.

Rodney could not think of a time he had ever felt worse than he did now.

TBC