Chapter 21

The city lights usually relaxed him, knowing all was well with the world as long as Atlantis was doing fine. But tonight he could not find the peace and comfort he so needed.

He had taken a bottle of beer from his fridge, intent on drinking it and then going to bed. But one beer had not been enough. Now on his sixth, he knew sleep was even further away.

Sheppard could not close his eyes. Each time he tried, all he saw was the blood pouring out of Rodney's leg. He had pushed so hard, he had been afraid he would break the bones. Of course he hadn't. Keller had rushed in, stopped the bleeding – even when only temporary – and got him to surgery in time to save his scientist friend.

For the umpteenth time he looked at his hands. He had washed them over and over again, yet the blood on them did not seem to go away.

He knew it was not real blood. But on the other hand, it was. He had Ronon's blood on his hands for taking off too fast and not making sure his team was safely in the jumper. He had Rodney's blood on his hands – twice. Once for not seeing something was wrong with Rodney and once for not keeping his promise to Ronon and letting Rodney escape again, allowing him to try and take his own life - again.

Sheppard shook his head. He was getting too old for this. Perhaps his days as team leader were over and he should just step aside, put someone else in charge of SGA-1, someone who would not let them down.

The sun was slowly rising when sleep finally overtook him. He curled up on his bed, pulling the covers over him, giving in to tears only his pillow would ever see.

oooOOOooo

He walked into the infirmary, expecting to see Ronon sitting up in his bed, bored to tears, and McKay fast asleep.

It startled him to see the opposite was true.

McKay sat upright in his bed, his hands still tied to the bedframe. He could see his friend was intensely sad and upset. But why was he looking over at Ronon all the time?

Sheppard followed his gaze. Ronon was surrounded by machines. He had been intubated to help with his breathing.

'What happened?' Sheppard rushed to Keller.

She looked exhausted.

'It's like he has given up. He doesn't seem to want to fight the infection. We had to intubate him during the night just to keep him breathing. I've sedated him for the moment, in the hope his body will fight where his mind seems to give up.'

Sheppard was dumbfounded. He had never expected Ronon to give up on anything.

'And McKay?'

'Better. I was just about to give him his breakfast.'

'I'll take it.' Sheppard lifted the tray and walked to Rodney.

'Rodney.' He greeted the man.

'How's Ronon? Jennifer won't tell me.'

Sheppard quickly looked at Ronon and then back to McKay.

'He'll pull through.'

Finally Rodney looked at him.

'You look terrible.' He stated matter of factly.

'Seen yourself lately.' Sheppard countered.

Rodney ignored the question.

'That my breakfast?'

Sheppard put it on the tray next to the bed and readied himself to feed Rodney.

'John, please.' Rodney looked at him pleading.

Sheppard was reluctant to untie the restraints.

'I won't do anything. I promised Ronon and I intent to keep that promise.' Rodney said sincerely, not realising the blow he just gave Sheppard.

Sheppard was only just able to hide the pain from his face. Even Rodney in his current state was doing a better job than he was.

He nodded slowly and untied Rodney's hands.

It lifted Rodney's mood a little and he fell onto his food. Sheppard sat down on the bed, looking over at Ronon and the infirmary staff buzzing around him all the time.

'Why don't you go over?' Rodney asked between bites.

John hesitated, then turned to Rodney.

'Finish your breakfast already so I can take your tray back to the mess.'

It seemed to dawn on Rodney that Sheppard was not his usual self. He pushed the tray to the side and carefully slipped to the side of the bed.

'What are you doing?' Sheppard tried to stop him from getting up.

'Give a man some help.' Rodney got up from the bed, grabbing Sheppard's shoulder to lean on. They stood there for a moment.

'It would be nice if you helped me to walk over to Ronon.' Rodney pushed Sheppard.

'Oh, right.'

Slowly they crossed the small distance between the beds. Once there, Rodney dropped down on the first chair. They both looked at the sleeping Satedan. His chest rose and fell in time with the machine.

'Look. Why don't you go and get some breakfast. I'll sit with him until you get back.' Rodney suggested.

'Just get me another chair to put my leg on.' He ordered Sheppard.

Once Rodney was installed, Sheppard walked out of the infirmary, looking back once more, seeing Rodney talking away quietly.

TBC