Staring Blanky (Bella's POV)
I'll take this moment to say that this poem is far more abstract than the first, to show how jumbled Bella's mind can actually be. Although the thoughts may jump around a lot more than Cissy's, I did make it a point to have her be coherent enough to understand even after reading quickly. It might take some more thought to grasp her personality and thoughts, but it's definitely all spelled out as to what's going through her mind. Thanks for reading guys. I appreciate it.
I don't want this.
Maybe I do.
Maybe.
But do I really?
Too many thoughts,
And it hurts.
Hurts because all of my thoughts,
They're evil.
Evil to Cissy, even when they feel so
Right
To me.
Everything I do is wrong.
But is it wrong?
I'm doing what I should,
By doing these things,
By taking what's
Mine –
By purifying the world.
I'm making things better.
Right?
I'm making things better,
For both of us.
I want to tell her that,
But I can't.
I can't.
I watch her cry,
And feel my own tears,
Falling onto her face
Bitterly,
Sickeningly as I take what's
Mine.
She's mine.
But –
She's crying,
And I want to stop,
I want to let her go,
To find someone else
To take this out on,
So I can stop hurting
Her.
Even as she groans,
She's crying,
And I want to stop,
But it's so fucking
Good –
Right –
And so wrong.
I'm making her go mad,
Mad like me.
And I want to stop,
I want to leave her be,
Leave forever,
But I need her –
And now she needs me.
I did this to her.
She's going to go mad.
But she's so beautiful and good and –
And I regret it,
As it ends.
I have so much to say,
And I want to tell her I love her,
Really I do, but my mind
Forgets.
I feel the burning on my skin,
And I know He needs me.
My face is blank,
And I'm cackling,
Kissing her head
Roughly,
Painfully,
Wishing I could change.
But I didn't choose to be this way,
To be crazy, like she says.
I'm done fighting myself.
She'll be here.
She'll always be here,
Waiting.
And I don't look back,
When I go,
Leaving her behind,
Not wanting to see her face,
And the hurt I know
I caused.
"You're so strong, Cissy."
But I'm already gone,
Flying,
Flying to meet him,
And laughing because the pain,
The pain from fighting
With myself –
It's gone.
I'm gone.