A/N-Hey guys thanks for reading! sorry it's taken me a while to update I'm trying to do 2 fanfics and another story on wattpad soo...aha just taking turns with each one! Aslo, i know this chapter is really heavy and dramatic, but i promise it'll get better. This chapter was supposed to go a waaay different direction than this, but it just sort of happened, so deal with it. Hahaha andd uhh yeah so thanks for reading and PLEAASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!
What is love? I've always had to ask myself that. I'd never had love, I'd never given it out. I'd never been in love, or had someone in love with me. Or at least someone that I knew about. I'd sleep with a guy and throw him out, never talk to him again. I used them, and I convinced myself that love, and making love were the same thing. But how can you make love with someone you don't love them? Sex is sex and it really doens't mean anything. Not really. Not unless you really truly unconditionally love that person, because then your not doing it for the sex. You're doing it because you want to feel them, you want to see how perfect your bodies fit to eachother and how perfect you feel when you're with them. You want to feel the kind of excitment and happiness you never feel without them. Sex isn't for sex, it's for love. I know that now. But I still don't understand what exactly love is.
I mean, Is it really that thing that always makes you happy? Is love really nothing but happiness? I don't thinks so, because then no one would ever be in love. Not really. Everything good in life comes with a price, trust me, I know. Love isn't pure happiness. It's pain too. Because the way you feel when your with the person that your truly in love with, it's nothing but happiness when you see them or when your with them, it's like a fire is burning up your body each time you simply touch them. It's like you crave their very existence. But when you aren't with them, that's the pain. It's like a part of you is missing, something that you can't function without. It's the only thing in your mind, the only thing you can think about. Love is motivation, it's inspiration, love is all those things you say you hate but can't live without. And for me, love is simply defined by one word. Love is Brittany.
I figured this all out last night. I'd always been telling myself that love is sex, until I discovered that I was in love with my best friend half way through junior year. I tried to tell myself that I wasn't, but I couldn't help it. Even now, I wanted so badly to not love her, to make myself not love her. I didn't want to have to live with the label of being a lesbian. I wanted to be the girl everyone else wanted me to be, even after I'd come out and made being with Brittany official. But back to the point, after I figured out I was in love with Brittany, I tried to talk myself out of being in love with her. I told myself that love is happiness. That's all, love is having fun and being with the one other person that really makes you feel alive.
I told myself that I couldn't be in love with Brittany, because all I felt was pain. I couldn't look at her with Artie without feeling like dying, and I couldn't be away from her without crying. I couldn't look at her without my heart pounding or be near her without my hands shaking. I thought this what a sign, telling me I wasn't in love with her. But when I touched her, even just our hands, it was like electricity flowing from my veins, making it hard to even breath. When I was with her, I couldn't feel anything other than just wanting her in ever way possible. I tried so hard to tell myself that I didn't love her, that I ended up pushing Brittany away instead. But last night, that's when I figured out what love is. Or at least, what love is to me. I'm new to this whole being in love thing, or at least acting on it...I think I'd been in love since the first time I looked deep into her bright blue eyes and saw everything she could be, everything that could happen with her and I knew I wanted to be there for every second of it. We were little, maybe 6 or 7, you say it's too young to be in love, but if love wasn't how I felt about Brittany, I don't know what was.
But last night, I was laying in bed, thinking about the song Brittany sang about me in Glee Club monday. It fit so well. I couldn't help but smiling at the thought, just thinking about her made me happy, but once I looked over beside me and just saw an empty bed, I couldn't help but realizing how lonely I felt without her. I needed Brittany, it wasn't like when you get married to someone, have a few kids, say your in love but break it off after 20 years. That's a different kind of love. What I felt towards Britt wasn't something I could just end. It wasn't that I wanted her, I physically needed her. Not to sound all poetic or whatever, like I have been on my rant about love and sex and god knows what else, that's just not me at all, I just felt accomplished that with years and years of trying to figure out what love is, I defined it. Not a long definition, but like I said before. After over 12 years of trying to figure this out, I finally did. Once again, Love is Brittany. I can't describe it any more than that.
But why does it hurt so much? Why does this thing hurt so damn much? I feel like I could just die at any second, but she keeps me going. And I think that's why our love is so special. Even If I'm the strong one, I do everything and I take control, every second of my life I'm depending on her, and her only. Enough about love though, It's getting sappy staring at my ceiling in the dark thinking about love and Brittany. Well, I always think about Brittany, but staring at the dark wall in a bedroom that didn't belong to me? That's just not who I am, and I needed to leave before it started seeming like some sort of weird lesbian soap opera.
hey, you wanna go do something fun tonight? I texted Puck. I needed to talk to him, because right now, I was really depressed for some reason.
It's 2:00 in the god damn morning santana. go to bed! He replied. I rolled my eyes, knowing he was probably getting ready to leave right now anyways.
Okay, pick me up in like 20 mins. I'm still at Quinns, I'll see you later (: I laughed silently at how easy it was to bribe him.
Is Quinn coming?
Are you crazy? Like you said, its 2 in the fucking morning and god knows your girlfriend doesn't party unless she has too. You want some fun tonight? let's go have some fun. Screw Quinn. Even though I gotta love the bitch since I'm staying with her. Pick me up, and we're gonna have the fun you've been missing out on.
There's the Santana Lopez I know (; I'll see you at 2:30.
I smiled, as I changed my clothes and whiped my eyes, putting on even more makeup to cover the tear stains. You could still tell, but by the time I got drunk it'd be totally beleivable since all I do is cry when I'm drunk anyways. Oh, and yell. That too. I'm not the most fun drunk to be around, I get crazy emotional. Oh well, tonights about fun, and I need some of my old life back. The new, always-crying-and always-doing-the-right-thing santana wasn't as much fun, what's wrong with a little fun?
I noticed Puck's car pull into the driveway of Quinns house, as I snuck out of the house, trying not to wake Quinns mom.
"Hey Lopez, lookin' hot." He smirked as I got in the car.
"Just drive the car Puckerman." I laughed, glad that things were normal. This just made me feel better, even though I knew it was wrong for me to go somewhere at 2:00 in the morning with the girl who I was living withs boyfriend. Good thing she'd know I wouldn't do anything with him, being gay and all that. Every once in a while playing for the other team had it's perks. But usually it just plain sucked. We went to one of the low key bars, one that knew us well enough to not bother arguing about our ages...since Puck barely looked 20 and I didn't look a day over 16. They let us right in, brought our usual drinks, and watched as we got too drunk to function. Or at least, until I got too drunk to function. Puck watched, drinking a little here and there, but staying sober enough to laugh at me as I got totally wasted, and be able to drive us home without killing us.
"You always liked Quinn better than you liked me! You never really liked me Puckerman!" I screamed at him, punching him in the chest.
"Whoa! Santana calm down! It's not like you ever liked me either! Who cares if I liked you or not? You were in love with Britt the whole time anyways!" He caught my flinging fists, while yelling back at me. And that's when the crying started. I just fell apart. I broke, right into his arms, falling into his chest that I was just punching.
"It's okay..." Puck tried, unsure of what I was even upset about. I mean, you can never tell if I'm actually upset or if it's just the alchohol when I'm drunk. But this time, it was that I was actually upset. And I was too drunk to actually keep the truth inside me.
"Puck, I don't wanna be gay. I wanna be in love with you, or Finn or Sam or Mike, even Artie. Just, a guy. I want so badly to not be in love with Brittany. But I just can't help it! I love her so damn much, it's like a can't even breath without her, but I want all this to stop. I just can't take it anymore, I feel like at any second I could just break!" I sobbed into his shirt, as he held me and stroked my back.
"Santana, just calm down, okay?." He practically whispered to me, as he stared at me laying across him, sobbing uncontrollably with a cup of beer in each hand and breathing my heavily alchohol tinted breath right into his nose. Yeah, he's right. I just needed to calm down right now. I was barely holding on to my life, like a rope that was starting to untwine. I couldn't take this anymore, it seemed like I was slowly unraveling.
"I wanna go home." I whinned to him.
"To Quinns?" He asked hesitantly.
"No. My house. I want to be able to go home and say hi to my mom and dad without them looking at me like I'm some sort of sick creature from another planet. Why me?"
"Santana. I know your hurting, but if your parents kick you out for something like this, they don't love you. Sorry to be harsh, but I'm done with your comlaining right now. You don't need your mom and dads influence any more than you already have. And do you realize how selfish you're being right now? Look at all you've done to Brittany! Have you ever thought about how much pain you've put her through? Come on. Your going back to Quinns, and your going to bed before I get in trouble for getting you too drunk to function, which I think we passed about an hour ago."
He was oddly harsh, compared to how he usually acts to me. The whole ride was spent in awkard silence, besides the sound of my heavy sobs in the passenger seat. Puck pulled into the Fabray driveway, and turned towards me.
"Look Santana, I'm sorry for being so harsh back there, alright? It's just, sometimes you only think about yourself. But I didn't really consider that it was Britt we were talking about and you always put her before you. I know your hurting, and that you don't like this thing about you. But remember what you told Glee Club? That it doesn't matter who your attracted to? It just matters who you fall in love with? I can tell you're in love with Brittany just from seeing you two together, Santana. The way you look at her, the way the air changes when you see her, the way I can tell your fighting off that adorable real smile when she see's you. I know what love is, and you helped me figure it out. Don't screw this up with Britt by thinking only about how you feel. But if you need anything, don't ever hesitate to call me, okay? Don't do something stupid, because I know you. And I know you act unrationally in drastic ways. You have alot of people that love you, and I'm one of them. Don't forget about that okay. And by the way, you're more fun to be around drunk, when I'm drunk too."
He laughed at the end, lightening the moment. I just stared at him, with tears in my eyes, partially because I can't stop crying while I'm drunk, and partially because what he said really got to me. I staggered up to the house and let myself in, slowly making my way up the stairs and into my room. I crashed on the bed and fell asleep before I knew what was going on. And nearly 12 hours later I woke up to Quinn shaking me and the sun blaring in my eyes.
"What do you want!" I yelled at Quinn as I shoved my head under the pillow.
"What the hell, S. You smell like you took a bath in vodka and god knows what else, your makeups smeared down your whole face like you cried you fucking eyes out, and your still asleep at 5:00 in the afternoon!"
"Ughhhh...go away..." I groaned into my pillow.
"No! Get up and shower before my mom thinks you had a party, and then tell me what happened last night!"
"Quinn?" I said sitting up.
"What." She snapped at me.
"I'm sorry." And then a broke into another round of sobbing.
"It's okay? Sorry about what..." She looked cautious.
"That I have to stay with you cause' my parents don't love me!" I screamed as a got up and ran into the bathroom.
"What just happened..." I heard Quinn say just before I slammed the door. I got into the shower, surprised at how relaxing the warm water felt, especially since I felt like I could puke out my guts at any second. Why did I like alchohol so much if I felt so sick the next day? Oh yeah. Cause' I'm Santana Lopez. Simple as that. I stayed in the shower, probably way longer than I needed too, not helping with Quinn's mom and the water bill, but finally I convinced myself to get out and talk to Quinn. She at least needed to hear it from me that I took her boyfriend to a bar at 2:00 in the morning to complain to him about how I wished I was in love with him.
"Quinn?" I called out, my voice cracking. I was actually surprised about today, this was pretty much the best hangover ever. Yeah, I felt a little sick but at least I wasn't puking every 5 minutes.
"Downstairs!" She shouted. I shuffled down the stairs and sat down on the couch next to her. She must've known this was serious just from the look on my face, as she turned the T.V. off and shifted her body towards me. Plus, she didn't seem mad at me anymore.
"I need to tell you something." I told her, this was the simplest part of this conversation.
"Okay..." She looked at me, anxious.
"Well, to answer the first question you asked me upstairs, I smell like vodka cause' I drank so much last night that I could barely walk." She opened her mouth, probably to ask where I got the vodka from in the first place, but I answered her question for her.
"Puck picked me up around 2, we went to that one bar downtown, and he dropped me back off around 5. And no, he didn't drink ..that much. He had like a shot and then stopped when I started yelling at him about liking you more than he liked me."
"Okay, I pretty much expected something like that. What my real question is, is why did you have the urge to go to a bar at 2 in the morning. I know that's like your normal thing, but why not wait till today and have a party? I know you, and you drink like that when you need to get something off your mind."
"I'm fine." I stated plainly and then ran upstairs, before I ended up telling her everything too. It slipped out to Puck while I was drunk, but I didn't want to tell everyone that I wished more than anything that I was straight. And I especially couldn't let Brittany find out. Now, don't get me wrong. It wasn't like I didn't love Brittany anymore, trust me, I really did, it was just the fact that the being gay thing was really taking it's toll on me. I'm one of those people that cares more about what other people think than what I think. And it was killing me knowing what they were saying. I wanted to be with Brittany so badly. When we were alone it was like no one else was on the planet with us. But it was when we were with other people that I didn't know what to do. I mean, everything changed. I even started changing in the bathroom stalls in the locker room that way no one would think I was staring at them while they were half dressed.
So things pretty much sucked for me, and yeah, Puck was right, I was being selfish. But I just couldn't help it. Being like this sucked, and I knew my parents did this to me. Not making me gay. That wasn't really anyones fault. I fell in love with Britt before I even knew what love was, let alone that girls weren't supposed to be in love with other girls. It wasn't fair, I never really stood a chance at being straight, because I fell in love with Brittany before I knew what gay even meant. But what my parents did, they drilled into my head that I needed to please everyone else, not me. They taught me to be a homophobe, which is probably why I hated myself and my thoughts for so long, the reason it took me so long to realize what was going on between me and Britt. I wish things were different, but at the same time, I know that I couldn't live without Brittany.
"Santana? C'mon let me in, it's my house." Quinn pounded on my door.
"Whatver Q." I snapped, getting up and unlocking the bedroom door.
"What's your problem? You seem even more stressed and freaked out than usual. And that's saying something."
"It's none of your buisiness so back the hell off."
"Santana, you keep saying you want to change but you keep pushing people away, the same as you used to just now less intimidating. I'm not gonna go around and tell the world all your deepest darkest secrets...I know you hate me, but you can trust me."
"I don't hate you Q. I say I do, and I act like I do, but I don't. I-" I stopped. There it was again. I wanted to say I love you, even if I did just mean it like a friend, but ever since I came out, I'd always been afraid to say the slightest things that could give anyone the wrong idea.
"Santana just say it. Tell me whats been going on with you! I know you probably told Puck anyways, and as much as he'll sit there and listen, he won't really be able to help. I'll help you though. You're one of my best friends, and I don't like seeing you so sad and depressed all the time. It's not the same Santana Lopez I'm used to."
"I wanna be alone right now." I told her, pushing tears down my throat before she thought I had broken completely.
"Don't do anything stupid." She said as she got up and left. Why did people keep saying that? First Puck telling me not to do anything stupid, and now Quinn? What do they honestly think I'd do? I went into the bathroom and splashed my face with water, staring into the mirror and trying to see the girl I want to be staring back at me. But instead of the girl that terrorized the school hall for 3 years looking at me, it was a scared little girl hiding from the world. I hated myself so much at that moment. And I'm not even sure what did it. They say love makes you do the craziest things. I don't know who they are, but they sure got that right. So, that's when it all started happening. Well, that's the begining I should say. That's when the depression really kicked in.
"Dinner!" I heard someone shout from downstairs. I had to force myself up from the bed and down into the kitchen.
"Santana, you okay?" Quinns mom asked me.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I answered, before realizing that I still had tear stains down my face.
"Just had a rough day..." I continued. She just nodded, like she understood and wasn't going to press for more details. Quinn ran down the stairs and saw me.
"You okay?" She asked.
"Rough day." Quinns mom answered for me.
"Yeah, no kidding." Quinn replied and took her seat at the table.
"Thanks for Dinner Mrs. Fabray." I told her, without the slightest drop of sinceritiy in my voice. Don't get me wrong, I was beyond thankful that Quinn let me stay with her, even though I spend years trying to destroy her life, and I was glad her mom was taking care of me like I was her own kid. But I just coulnd't make myself sound anything but sad, no matter how hard I tried.
"Santana? Can I talk to you upstairs..." Quinn asked, hoping I'd say yes since we were in front her mom and she knew I was trying to be nice to her for letting me stay with them. Apparently she didn't know me very well though.
"No. I'm tired, I don't wanna talk about it."
"You slept till 5..." She told me.
"So? I'm still tired." And with that I ran upstairs without even cleaning up my dinner mess. I should've known Quinn would come pounding on my door whether I told her no or not.
"What the hell do you want Q? I told you I didn't want to talk about it!"
"I don't care what you want right now Santana. I care about what you need and your gonna tell me what's going on right now."
"Or what."
"There is no 'or what'. Your gonna tell me right now, whether you want to or not. What's going on?"
"Fine." I spat at her.
"I'm waiting..." She seemed annoyed. I couldn't figure out why...but she did.
"What?"
"Tell me what is going with you!" She pushed.
"I love Brittany so much Quinn...you don't even know."
"So...how is that making you sad? If you love her so much, shouldn't you be happy that you two are finally together?" She didn't seem angry anymore...just confused.
"I am. But I can out too fast. I wasn't ready, hell, I'm still not ready Q. I can't take this pressure or the stress. I know what people think about me cause' I used to think it about Kurt. But what hurts so much is knowing they think that about Brittany, and It's my fault. If I didn't come out, she'd still be with Artie, and as much as that would kill me, at least she wouldn't be the one getting a slushy facial every time she walked down the hall..." I told her. Thankfully I wasn't crying, probably because I'd cried so much today I had no tears left in me.
"Wow. Santana Lopez really does have a heart..."
"Shut up." I glared at her.
"I'm just surprised you put someone before yourself, that's all. But I still don't get it...we get slushy facials just for being in Glee Club. She'd get slushied either way."
"But getting slushied for Glee is different. That's something we chose to be in because we love it. I didn't have a choice if I wanted to be gay or not."
"You realize that your with Britt because you love her? And your in Glee because you love it? Your gonna get slushied for something you love. So, wouldn't you just be happy that your with the person you love?" She could tell there was more to it.
"Quinn. I don't wanna be gay." Thats when I could feel the tears coming, but I faught to push them down my throat anyways.
"And I don't wanna be the girl I am right now either. I wish I was still that little perfect blonde girl I was for 3 years, but I'm done being something I'm not, and now you are too. Be you Santana, and eventually I promise you'll be happy."
"It's not that simple! You dyed your hair and got a tattoo...I'm a freaking lesbian Quinn...it's different."
"I never said it was the same, I was just comparing. But fine, you dont want my help I'll leave. I was just trying to be a good friend."
"I didn't ask for you help."
And then she stormed out of my room, a storm-out worthy of Rachel Berry. Quinn was stupid. She tried to understand what was going on with me, like she knew what this felt like. She dyed her hair,got a few body peircings and a tattoo and now she's the girl she really is, even though it's not the girl she wants to be. It's not that easy for me. I'm a fucking lesbian and theres nothing I can do to change that. Nobody understands what I'm going through,even Kurt had it a little bit easier than me. His family didn't kick him out, he has a bunch of real friends, he loves himself and isn't afraid to show it. But for me? It's way different for me. I can't change who I am, I can't change who I want to be, and I can't change everything I want. Even if what I want so damn much is the one thing I already have. I just loved Britt so much, I'd do anything for her, even if she's the reason I'm the girl everyone hates. I'd never blame her though, for anything. She loved me before all these...changes started happening, before either of us knew what it meant. She'd always love me and I'd always love her, no matter what. She was that one thing, that one precious thing that kept me going. She was perfect. And I knew she deserved better.
"Britt?" I said to her on the phone, not even bothering to hold back my tears.
"San? Are you okay?"
"No. I need to ask you something. "
"Okay..."
"Do you love me? Like, honestly truly love me?"
"Of course! I love you more than anything. You already knew that. What's the matter?"
"Britt? I love you okay. So much. More than anything, more than I love myself. I need you to know that, alright?"
"Santana. What's the matter?" She said, dead serious. But I couldn't tell her. Not yet.
"Just listen to me. When I'm with you, I feel like theres nothing else in the world, and its like a shock each time a touch you. I feel like I was made for nothing other than to be here with you. But you deserve better than me..."
"I don't understand..."
"Brittany, you are perfect. In every way there is to be perfect. You don't have to settle for a person that can't even admit to themselve that they love you. You deserve someone better than me."
"No I don't! I don't want anyone else, San."
"I know, Britt. Me either. But just don't forget that I love you okay? Ever."
"San? What's going on?" But it was too late. I already hung up the phone. Now I know what Puck and Quinn meant for telling me to not do something stupid.What did I just do? Did I dump her? No. I'd never break up with Brittany. I was just giving her the opportunity to break up with me.
San, did you just break up with me?texted me a few minutes later.
No. I was just giving you a reason to leave me...
I don't have a reason to leave you .
Do you have a reason to stay?
I waited by my phone for almost 10 minutes waiting for a reply, but one never came. She said she didn't have a reason to leave me, but she didn't have a reason to stay. What's that supposed to mean? Now is when I would've liked someone to talk to, but I was too mad at Quinn to give into her right now. So instead, I took care of things myself. Sure, I know it's illegal, but when you lived like I did for so many years, the word illegal doens't mean much when It comes to this kind of stuff. So I pulled my new best friend out of my purse and guzzled down some of the strongest liquor I'd had in years. It dulled the pain, but it just doubled my guilt.