AN: I'm so sorry that I'm so mean. I have a general idea for where a chapter is going to go but sometimes things even surprise me and when I get there I'm far too happy with the results even if it is cruel and usually always where I wanted to be even if the journey was a bit more fraught and cruel than intended originally.
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20
The Umbrella
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If a day ever suited Sebastian's mood, it was this one. It was very fitting too for the day, the weather symbolized it perfectly.
It had been awhile since people purposefully crossed the street to avoid Sebastian. He could be unpleasant over the months Kurt was hospitalized but nothing like this. Now he was on a rampage and no one knew when or where it would stop.
He stood on the sidewalk, face upturned to the rain falling over his features, drenching him. It was a very cold rain, early spring rain where it could turn to ice or snow at any given moment. He was unable to feel it, he was too numb. The last of his rage exploding out at him at some unsuspecting and undeserving woman who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. He'd thought he was over this before but then it just built and exploded outward again.
All of a sudden, the rain was cut off, it still fell around them but nothing fell on Sebastian any more. It was a lot warmer too, and not just from the rain no longer falling on him. A blanket had been wrapped around his shoulders and a body pressed up against him, trying to stay under the umbrella with him and stay dry. Pressing up against him was just going to do the opposite but he didn't say it. Instead he looked down at who was barely keeping the umbrella from pressing down onto his head.
It was with mixed emotions when he looked into those blue eyes, trying to smile up at him tentatively. Sebastian fought back the tears trying to escape out of his green eyes once more. He was done with crying, all he'd been doing for the last 48 hours was cry. They didn't know it yet, but he did, he'd lost his only family.
"You shouldn't be out here." He said to the one holding the umbrella, keeping the world from touching him. It was only them underneath it, and the touch was welcome if not deserved.
"You're going to get sick." Was the non-answer.
"You don't get sick from a little rain." Sebastian countered softly.
"You might from this rain and if not from the rain, then the cold or the combination of the two." A gentle hand and he was being guided back inside, where the umbrella was no longer necessary, and it was no longer necessary to be so close to the one holding it either. He missed the loss of warmth instantly even though it was very warm inside.
Sebastian was led away and shoved into a warm shower and stripped of his wet things. He was patted dry and covered up in warm towels, blankets and robes and slippers. Then he was steered toward a bed and was told to sleep. They wouldn't be afraid to use medications to make it happen. For the first time in a long time, Sebastian's eyes closed and he was dead to the world. He didn't know if he would call what it was sleep, just unconsciousness, hand reaching out, seeking the hand that wouldn't be there.
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"Is... is he dead?" Sebastian asked again, panic setting in, making his voice pitch higher and speak faster and he started shaking. He shook off the hands that were trying to comfort him or restrain him, he didn't know. All he knew was that Kurt wasn't moving, that he wasn't breathing. "Kurt? Kurt?" He reached out to shake him, somehow channeling Brittany.
"No, he's not dead." A voice said next to him, reassuring him and pulling Sebastian away with firm hands and into a strong chest. He knew this man, it was one of the doctors who worked in this clinic, more than that, it was the family friend that he'd turned to often enough for guidance and reassurance. He wasn't usually so touchy though and Sebastian knew it was more of a restraint than anything else. He was shaking Sebastian. "He's not dead!"
Sebastian felt wetness on his cheeks and he wondered if he got injured somehow and he touched it, bringing his hand away, expecting blood but only saw moisture. "Am I – am I crying?" He asked, touching his face with both hands now, trying to determine it for himself, even going so far as to sticking a finger with the liquid on it into his mouth and sucking. Salty, so yes, tears. "I haven't cried." He didn't think he had the capability anymore and now, now he was doing it unbidden and without even knowing he was doing so.
Were his tears locked into that nether space with Kurt's consciousness?
Kurt's consciousness. It ripped through Sebastian hard and fast and painfully. "What's wrong with him? Why did he wake up like that then-then-then shake like that?"
"He had a seizure, it happens sometimes." The man rubbed Sebastian's back awkwardly, they were somewhat close but not like this. "We don't know why seizures happen all the time, the brain sometimes causes them when trying to forge new connections."
"He said my name." Sebastian was trembling now. Had screamed it, actually. Why?
"I don't know, I'm sorry. There's still so much that we don't understand and are still figuring out. We think we have a handle on something and then something else happens and changes our whole view and opinion on something. He's been playing by a different set of rules since the beginning, we just don't understand them yet. He's unconscious again now though, so we wait."
"All we've done is wait. Can't you wake him up?"
"It might be dangerous to do so." The doctor answered and Sebastian was instantly pulling his suggestion back. He didn't want to do anything dangerous, not now, not ever, when it came to Kurt's health.
Sebastian somehow found it within himself to send off a text to Burt and let him deal with telling everyone else. Sebastian patted the doctor on the arm and was allowed to walk over to Kurt's side on his own. He nearly sank down into the chair he was sure had his ass groove by now but then thought better of it.
He crawled into the bed and wrapped his arms around Kurt and just sobbed, great terrible sobs that shook his whole frame, soaked the pillow beneath his head and he just held on to Kurt. There were gulping, guttural, choking sounds coming from Sebastian and he had no idea he was doing it or how long it lasted. Soon though there was another body in that bed with them, making soft sounds attempting to sooth him and she ran her fingers through his hair, her body pressed tight to his as she held him in return.
Tears stained the back of his shirt too and he turned his head to see Rachel. She attempted a smile but it wobbled off of her lips and she just pressed her face to his shoulder again. "I was already on my way here." She explained.
Tears still streamed down his face but it was better now. He could at least attempt to speak but his voice was raw and he had to clear it a few times. "He woke up."
"I heard, that's amazing." Rachel agreed, staying soft and sweet for Sebastian rather than jumping up and down in joy.
"They don't know when he'll wake up again. He had a seizure." Rachel nodded again. "For all we know, it could be another month."
"It could be." She hummed her agreement.
It wasn't.
Kurt woke up sometime in the middle of the night in the middle of a dog pile and freaked out. Every attempt to sooth him failed until everyone was kicked out and only Burt and a doctor remained.
The door opened and everyone tried to get another look at Kurt, tried to all ask at once what was wrong with him. Sebastian had flown Burt and Carole up from D.C on his private plane and now he was especially glad he did. Rachel was sniffling and trying to valiantly hold back tears in the corner.
They all wanted answers and were all afraid that Kurt was no longer the Kurt they had known.
"He..." Burt started and then died off, looking over to the doctor who nodded. "He has a special type of amnesia. He remembers things up to a certain point and then after that point, a few things but nothing concrete."
"Ok... like up to the day of his accident? It's totally understandable if he's blocked out the accident itself or even the day around it." Santana spoke over the rest of them and Burt shook his head sadly.
"He remembers most of his first half of the year here in New York, up through Thanksgiving, but not much else after that. Or rather, just bits and pieces."
"So the only one of us that he remembers is Rachel?" Santana waved at the remaining 4 New Yorkers, Blaine had been notified by Rachel and with the group had been allowed to pass into the hospital since Sebastian had allowed it at Thanksgiving. At first, Blaine looked distraught by the news, just like the rest of them, but then slowly a smile started to pass over his lips as if it was very good news indeed. Sebastian didn't like that look in his eyes or on his face, he was transforming in front of him, standing up taller, slicking his hair back. Sebastian would have to remind his men that Blaine wasn't allowed up here, no matter the circumstances from now on.
Burt shook his head again. "Bits and pieces, it's hard to determine right now exactly what he remembers. He's understandably overwrought by the knowledge that he's lost years of his life and has been in a coma for months. I think it's best if I stay here with him tonight and the rest of you go home." Predictably the whole group broke out in protests. "Go on, I'm going to be here and we'll regroup in the morning and bring you in one at a time." He locked eyes with Sebastian. "Except for you, I told him he had a boyfriend and he wants to meet you."
Blaine grunted and grumbled and grabbed Rachel's arm and dragged her out of the hospital. Sebastian rolled his eyes, Blaine had seriously thought that he could use the coma and memory loss to wiggle into the spot of boyfriend? Honestly, what was wrong with him? As if nobody in Kurt's life would have told him the truth. Sebastian rolled his eyes at the shorter guy as they left. Yep, definitely putting the kibosh on those visitation rights.
Carole gave the other two girls a hug and they too left. "I'll wait here, see what happens." She told Sebastian and Burt when they both looked at her for further details. Sebastian nodded, that was not a promising start, even Carole thought he was going to be kicked to the curb. She reached out and squeezed his hand. "He loves you, he just doesn't remember that right now but he will again."
He didn't know if that meant that Kurt would get his memories back or if Kurt would fall in love with him all over again. Sebastian didn't know what to feel or do. He had been ready to confess all and the let the chips fall where they may but without Kurt's memories... it would be easier to break things off but not while the other two were here and that wasn't what he wanted either. He had to be here to support Kurt get back on his feet and then he could tell Kurt what he did.
Years ago he wouldn't have even thought of what he'd done as cheating, he would have laughed at anyone who thought that was. Nothing was cheating short of dick in an orifice. Then he'd accept it as cheating.
He shook his head to clear it, first things first. First, Kurt needed to either get back his memories or start making new ones and become self-sufficient again.
"He kept saying he wanted to go home. I had to explain home wasn't where he thought it was anymore, that it was with you." Burt explained at the door before they headed in again. "The doctor said that he wanted Kurt to stay for another week, make sure things are ok neurologically after that seizure and memory loss. They also want to work with him on getting him back on his feet after months of bed rest."
Sebastian took an unsteady breath in and let it out slowly, gathering himself together. He had expected as much and if they were willing to release him tonight, he would have slapped malpractice lawsuits on them. Kurt's health was the first priority. His mental health was the second. Then the rest of his health and all the forms that took. "Good." Was all he mustered to say and Burt squeezed his shoulder, understanding Sebastian far more at this time than he ever had.
Kurt was sitting up and watching the door with overly bright and eagle eyes and Sebastian couldn't help the cocky grin that slipped out. Of course Kurt would be focused so hard on the door as if willing the ability to see through it to manifest all of a sudden, not wanting to wait to see who was on the other side of it.
Kurt scowled back in response and gave Sebastian a once over. Sebastian's grin faltered, that wasn't anywhere near the response he'd been expecting. It was so strange to see Kurt awake and sitting up now even though it's all he'd wanted for months. "You certainly look like my type."
"Considering your type extends to Sam and Chandler, I am pleased to find myself in very good company."
Kurt's lips parted in surprise and he glanced over to his dad, mouth closing and lips twisting. "Someone has a big mouth."
"Pretty sure you can't be human if you don't have a crush on Sam at least once in your life." Sebastian shrugged and Burt smirked while Kurt surprised both of them and his scowl deepened.
"You don't sound like my type at all though."
"I think my twin softened you up to appreciate my type of humor and personality. Certainly worked wonders on your old man." Sebastian was trying to trigger a memory about Satan and Satan's Twin. He glanced over to Burt though for the last part.
Burt rolled his eyes and Kurt scoffed. "You have a twin? Must have been the nice one."
"I don't think I would go that far." Burt answered and headed over to the chair Sebastian always sat in and he didn't say boo as Burt sank into it and held Kurt's hand. "What's wrong?" He asked Kurt, looking closely at Kurt's face and into his eyes. Sebastian hesitated at the door but even he could see from this distance what Burt was getting at. He'd never seen Kurt this ornery before, even when sick. When sick, he was as sweet as can be, thanking Sebastian for everything he did, not wanting to make Sebastian mad and leave him alone, nor over do the asking. Nor let Rachel take care of him again.
There were tension lines throughout Kurt's face right now as if he were in a lot of pain. As if every move, every word was a struggle. He had a glass of water next to him and while his voice didn't sound too bad, it was a bit underused and scratchy. Sebastian feared they were overdoing it and wearing Kurt out.
"You know what? I think I ought to leave and we can revisit this in the morning." He came forward and reached for the blanket and Kurt grabbed it first. He held up his hands in peace. "Sorry, habits."
Kurt worried at his bottom lip and Sebastian tried to offer him a reassuring smile but he was needing reassurance now too. If anything, Kurt looked more unsure. "I'm sorry, Seb." They all paused at the nickname, all knew the significance, Kurt wouldn't just call someone new to him that. It was muscle memory, sure, but it was a good start.
"No, no, no need to apologize." It was going to be impossible to leave the hospital, he definitely wouldn't be able to sleep at home, probably not even able to sleep here if he weaseled out another room.
"No, I do need to apologize. I've been so rude to you. I don't know why." Kurt lifted a hand and ran it through his hair and grimaced at the feel of it. Santana hadn't been around yet this week. He probably was feeling Sebastian's guilt, knew that Sebastian didn't deserve kindness. "I'm just, ironically, very tired and feeling lost and sore? Like every part of my body just feels stiff and gross."
"You've been bound to your bed for the most part for the better part of nearly six months." Sebastian hadn't even realized that was exactly how much time had passed until just then. It was nearly March. "I maintain this was the worst anniversary present you could have given me." He tried to joke and Burt winced.
Kurt looked like he'd been slapped. "Pardon?"
"Uh... how much did your dad tell you?" Sebastian's eyes slipped over to Burt but Burt was shaking his head yet again.
"Not much, just that I lived with you and you were my boyfriend. What happened?"
"You had to go on a trip the night of our anniversary and when you came back I was sick and you left to get supplies and next thing I knew you were in the hospital in a coma." Sebastian wisely didn't go into a lot of details.
"I went on a trip the night of our anniversary?" Kurt dwelled on that part of the story.
"Isabelle says it was for a project but I know there was something bigger happening. Something only you could soothe out. I think someone was threatening to walk and she sent you to keep the peace."
"I... Isabelle? As in Isabelle Wright, my boss- but that internship would have ended years ago." Kurt despite all the things he was feeling was still quick in sorting things out, he knew it wasn't the year he came up and he was able to combat that feeling with the real knowledge of the year and do the math quickly. Sebastian worried about taxing him so soon after waking up but his brain seemed intact except his memory. Sebastian breathed an internal sigh of relief. It was still Kurt, just a few years earlier. It was a Kurt he hadn't met but they would have met a year after this Kurt existed. "Why would she send me?"
"You're her right-hand man." Burt answered proudly, fluffing up a pillow behind Kurt.
"But- what about my fashion career?" Kurt frowned. "I gave up acting, I wouldn't have given up fashion."
"Technically, working at Vogue is still in fashion." Burt teased but seeing as how this was really weighing on Kurt, he sighed. "You are nuts, you work for both Isabelle at Vogue as one of the highest credited editors but you also work at a fashion house."
"Partner at a fashion house." Sebastian corrected. "It's Hum & Tweet Fashions."
"Uh... what?" Kurt looked at Sebastian oddly. "What a-"
"Careful, you came up with it." Sebastian smirked, he'd said the same thing when he first heard it but it was catchy and they were doing really well. "Brio will skin you if you make fun of it after fighting so hard for it."
"Brio?" Kurt's eyes widened. "I work with Brio? Brio Alto? Birdie? Seriously?"
"Geez this guy, getting so worked up over working with someone when he's also working for Isabelle as her second and has me as a boyfriend and this is what get's him worked up?" Sebastian said it to Burt who snorted and started laughing. Brio hadn't been able to visit, but he sent things all the time to let them both know that he was thinking of them. He had to hold down the fort on his own and just wasn't a hospital person, even really nice ones and just couldn't see Kurt like that. Sebastian didn't hold it against him.
"Sorry Sebastian but the only name you could have said that Kurt would have swooned over more would have been Marc Jacobs."
"That's not true." Kurt said very seriously and calmly and both sets of eyes swung to him. "There are a few other names that I would have squealed over too." Kurt raised a brow at the two of them. "Are you also going to tell me that I'm good friends now with Barbara Streisand and a star on the Broadway stage too?"
"The closest you've gotten onto a stage was after a show when Rachel wanted to show you the secrets behind the magic." Burt explained, Sebastian remembered that call, going on and on about the amazing contraptions.
"Only Rachel has met Babs." Sebastian gave a small shrug and Kurt scrambled to his knees in his excitement.
"Really?" He looked like he regretted his move nearly instantly as he started swaying. Burt grabbed an arm and worked Kurt back into a sitting position.
"I think this is what they meant by over-excited." Burt tsked like a mother-hen and they all laughed a little at it.
"I don't think this is exactly what they had in mind when they warned you not to get him worked up." Sebastian hesitated about helping and in the end pulled the blankets back so it would be easier to get him into bed again. He pulled them up halfway over Kurt's legs, stopping just beyond the knees. Kurt could do the rest as he was looking wearily at Sebastian's hands again. He couldn't help himself though from patting Kurt's shin. "I'll be back in the morning."
"Don't- I- ok." Kurt looked like he was warring with himself.
"Sebastian?" Burt asked before Sebastian left and he gave a small nod for Burt to continue. "Go home with Carole. I don't want her walking back alone."
Sebastian could have pointed out that he had his guys here, they'd driven them from the airport, they could drive her back to his condo but he understood what Burt was really asking. For the first time in his life, it wasn't sarcasm driving him when he spoke. "Sure, no problem, Dad and thanks."
Kurt's eyes bulged as he looked between the two of them but Sebastian wasn't going to explain. Kurt could figure that one out for himself. "Of course, kiddo." Burt was looking incredibly pleased and Sebastian wished he'd hadn't held out for so long.
It was a fragile protection from the storm, but it was something.
Sebastian took Carole home and saw her into the guest room and that she had everything she needed. Carole kept trying to offer comfort to Sebastian but he kept dodging it. Eventually, she gave in, hoping he'd seek her out when he needed it. He promised that he would but had no intention of following through with it.
Sebastian paced the condo and eventually ended up in his bedroom, reaching for the sweater and pulling it over his head. He lifted up one of the sleeves and breathed in, trying to let Kurt's smell relax him. He hadn't expected to be kicked out of Kurt's room and life so soon.
He stifled the wail that ripped from his chest, shocked and jerked at the foreign sound. He hadn't heard that since the day he found out Kurt was in the hospital. He'd managed to stop it then and he tried to think of what to do to stop it now. He didn't have Santana here to slap him into the present. It fought to be released and he grabbed a pillow, curling around it as it tore through his throat, causing him so much pain physically as well as emotionally. He sobbed harsh sobs into the pillow, hoping it and the distance was enough to keep it from getting to Carole.
He tired himself out but he wasn't tired. He had too much energy to stay and he paced the room for a few more minutes, wiping at his eyes and winced when he remembered which sweater he was using. God he'd been so selfish not packing it, maybe Kurt would have needed it more at first, before he blew up their world again. If Kurt remembered, he'd have been lost still, would have needed the comfort if Sebastian couldn't wrap his arms around Kurt himself.
Would he have been able to? He had done so when given a green light to go back in after they made sure the seizure was benign. But Kurt was asleep at that point and Sebastian couldn't help himself. He hadn't over thought it, just moved by the unexpectedness of it.
Sebastian was curled in on himself and the pillow and he didn't hear the door open. He did feel the motherly arms of Carole surround him. She pulled him onto her lap and rocked him, holding him close and whispering reassuring words. He had never had a mother or a father do this. He didn't know what to do and so just let her take care of him, to make all the moves. He'd been expected to stand on his own two feet, brush himself off and keep going at a very young age. He wasn't going to get sympathy or support.
She was a mother of so many boys, she had such a big heart and she was so warm and comfortable and comforting. She smelled like vanilla, lavender and something purely motherly, something his own mother had never smelled like. "I wanted to do this since the day Kurt was admitted to the hospital. You wouldn't let me, I could see it in every line of your body. You would only take comfort from your girls and even then begrudgingly because they needed it." She said into his hair and he found himself clinging to her. He wanted to argue, say he didn't need it now either but she saw right through him. He didn't know he needed it until now.
What made it all so much more terrible was the knowledge that she would be gone when Kurt finally fully kicked him out. He was going to lose Burt and Carole and he'd finally opened his heart to them. It had taken years and a big tragic event to sort itself out and come out a little less terrible but now that it had happened, it would all be ripped away from him. They wouldn't want to stay in contact when they knew how horrible he was. How wrong he'd been with Kurt, how he'd done him so wrong.
He still couldn't let them see him fully, just what he wanted to present to them. This was just a slip up. It wouldn't happen again. He'd be strong.
He let her think that she'd soothed him to sleep and then she went back to her own room. But he couldn't sleep, not even after tiring himself out crying. He was emotionally exhausted but he didn't know this room any more. He didn't know it without Kurt's presence. His gut was rolling and splashing around inside of him, he couldn't be here. He couldn't be this far from Kurt. Not while he was awake and alone and lost.
Kurt may not want him now and wouldn't want him when everything came to light, but Sebastian still had to be there for him.
He slipped out of the condo after leaving Carole a note. He got back to the hospital and knew he wouldn't be welcomed in the room he had taken over. He walked every hall several times, hoping to exhaust his body. Nothing was working. He didn't think he'd be able to fully rest again until he saw Kurt again, awake and well.
He didn't care that he was just in his lounge wear still and street shoes. He took off the sweater though and carefully folded it and put it in a safe place where he could see it. Kurt was alive but he was behaving as if he'd died. He worked out, hoping to work this insanity out of him.
What would he have done had Kurt died? It was a horrible thought and he shied away from it. He didn't know the answer because it hadn't happened. He didn't want it to even exist in the universe as a possibility. This whole time, he'd done things he hadn't expected from himself. He didn't know how it was possible to be so upset and yet not have a tear to shed. Kurt was awake and that's when he lost it?
He should have been crying happy tears.
His body protested the rigors he was putting it through but his brain wouldn't turn off. He couldn't stop until it did. Eventually his body did give out on him and he just sat there for a long time, staring at nothing.
He yawned in a deep breath, stumbling over it and tears sprang to his eyes once more. He sniffed and tried to wipe them away. It was so annoying, they wouldn't come and now they wouldn't stop. Had there been a well that had been building and now they all wanted to spill over and onto his cheeks? Kurt wouldn't be pleased to see them. He had to be strong for Kurt.
Dawn was breaking out over the horizon and lighting up the exercise room. There was a knock on the door and a curly head poked itself in. "Hi, you done in here?"
"Do I look done?" He snapped and her eyes widened and mouth dropped open.
"O... kay, I'm sorry." She eyed him wearily but didn't say what she was clearly thinking, afraid of hearing more. Besides, he paid a lot to their establishment every month.
Sebastian sighed and cleaned up his mess. He reeked and needed a shower. Maybe he could slip in and shower and change before either Burt or Kurt woke up. He was careful not to let the sweater touch his sweaty body. He winced at the overuse of muscles. He had to look a complete mess. He slipped passed the Hummels in Kurt's room and darted into the shower, grabbing his own bag on the way. He stopped and stared at his face in the mirror. He looked absolutely frightening. He had to get rid of this look before he confronted Kurt again. He didn't want to scare Kurt or hear a lecture from Burt.
He scrubbed at his skin and pinched his cheeks and slapped them, trying to get some life into his face. There was very little he could do about the dark circles under his eyes. He wasn't Kurt, he couldn't hide it with an expert swipe of makeup or reduce it with the right sets of potions and lotions.
He was dry and in clean clothes when he came back to the room, the sweater put into his bag and the dirty lounge clothes in a corner in the bathroom. He'd deal with them later. Kurt would have a fit if he knew.
A female doctor came in whistling and way too cheery for so early. "Shut the fuck up." Sebastian hissed. "They're still sleeping!"
She spun toward him, ready to put him into his place for talking to her like that then thought better of it when she got a look at his face. "I know, I was hoping to wake them up gently that way." She replied softly, keeping her volume down. She could see Sebastian wincing at any sort of volume and she took pity on him. "I think maybe you need some sleep."
"I don't." Sebastian denied, sounding perhaps a little childish in his denial. She shook her head, not buying it but not pushing. She went over and put a gentle hand on Burt's shoulder before she moved to Kurt's side and put a hand on him too. Sebastian moved forward, unsure why he was so paranoid about anyone but family touching Kurt. There had never been any ill treatment from the medical people in this building or really at all.
He pretended he was just curious about what she was doing when she looked over to him. Curious, not judging and watching every move closely.
Kurt blinked his eyes open and Sebastian found himself sagging against the wall. Kurt could wake up again, it wasn't just his imagination the night before. He wasn't completely losing it and snapping. Kurt looked confused for a moment and then offered the woman a gentle smile in return. She spoke softly to Kurt and he nodded before she was flashing a light into his eyes. Sebastian winced and looked away, the light was too bright even at this distance for his own eyes.
His eyes felt scratchy and things were a little blurry around the edges. Burt gave him a knowing, disappointed look and pointed to the couch. Sebastian sat down on it and rested his head against the back. His eyes fell closed at the new position and he was just planning on resting his eyes and his aching body.
Darkness consumed him.
When he woke again, he blinked his eyes open and turned his head. Kurt was perched on the other side of the couch, cross-legged and watching him in fascination. Joining him on the couch must have woken Sebastian up. Kurt blushed when he saw Sebastian's eyes on him. A soft smile crossed Sebastian's face, still mostly asleep and he reached out to Kurt. "Hey." His fingers just barely brushed the hair behind Kurt's ear when he was scrambling back. Sebastian frowned in confusion and then he blinked and the last 6 months came crashing back down on him. That was a sleep for the ages, he'd somehow displaced time and reality with it. His frown deepened as he dropped his hand, thankful Kurt hadn't abandoned him completely on the couch. "What are you doing over here?" He asked, still gentle. "Are you supposed to be over here?"
"They said moving was good for me." Kurt stretched. "I never knew moving could be so exhausting though but not moving is worse."
"You were never one to sit still." Sebastian had a fond smile cross his mouth now and Kurt looked incredibly interested in it, his eyes scanning over Sebastian's face with a question on his own. "Isabelle said that you were just sleeping, catching up on all the sleep you missed out on as you were like the energizer bunny. You just needed a recharge." Maybe it wasn't exactly what she said but Kurt wouldn't be appreciative of being compared to a sleeping princess. This was a kinder comparison for him.
"Rip Van Winkle." Kurt said in response, an answering smile on his face now and he moved closer. "Do you mind if I touch you?" Kurt asked and Sebastian shook his head, giving permission. Kurt reached out and touched the side of Sebastian's face in wonder. "You're so old." He teased.
"You're a year older." Sebastian pointed out right back. Sebastian moved a little. "I feel old though." This last year probably took ten years off his life expectancy and he wasn't even 30 yet. Kurt had missed his 30th though and Sebastian felt a little badly about that. They didn't even acknowledge it. Or Sebastian hadn't and nobody dared point it out and add another boulder to his shoulders. They probably celebrated in their own homes and cried over it. It had just skated right by him without him realizing. "If it wasn't for me and Santana then you'd probably have a long beard too."
"And bushy eyebrows and hair coming out of my ears and nose." Kurt was in a good mood just now, his earlier irritation having fled with a night's sleep and whatever happened while Sebastian was out to the world. He was just realizing they were alone now.
Sebastian didn't ask about any of that, not wanting to ruin the moment.
"I'm sure Rachel wouldn't have let it get to that." Kurt finally said with a shrug. "She's always taken care of me." At one point Sebastian would have argued with that but now he knew it was true, in her own way. "Satan did my hair?" Kurt guessed and then he instantly frowned. "I'm so sorry for calling her that. I don't know what came over me. I don't even know who she is and I wouldn't be able to pick her out of a lineup."
"Relax, she's well acquainted with that nickname. I've been calling her that since we were in high school. She proudly wears it like a badge of honor."
Kurt shook his head. "How is it that I know you're Seb and she's Satan and she would have been the one to do my hair, but I don't remember anything else?"
Sebastian shrugged. "We haven't really been walking through any known territory of science. They don't think it's going to last but it could come back slowly or all at once or both or not at all." He'd been with it enough to hear that much from the doctors last night when Carole had asked about the possibility of Kurt's memory coming back before they left for the condo. "Nothing's really gone how anyone's expected it to go."
Kurt took a deep breath and sighed. "I know you're my boyfriend and I did the math and I asked dad a few questions too but he's being oddly quiet on details." Kurt shook his head as he got off track with his own point. "Anyway, I get that we've been together for a few years now."
"Over 8 years." Sebastian agreed, needing to nail that one home.
"Over 8 years." Kurt looked a little faint at the idea and Sebastian was ready to catch him if it were to happen. "Wow, ok, so maybe my math was a bit off." He looked like he was realigning things in his brain. "Eight years." He rubbed his forehead. "I have over a decade of lost memories."
"Don't... don't strain yourself." Sebastian was half teasing and half serious and it came out a bit wobbly because he couldn't settle on an emotion.
Kurt smiled ruefully. "I was going to say that you know me but to me you're a stranger, but now that really seems like an understatement. You really know me. You probably know me better than I know myself now and I don't even mean just the lost years. You probably know all of my secrets and history and past. You've probably heard all the stories about me growing up and..." Kurt shook his head, shaking out the cobwebs and the path his thoughts and emotions were taking him, trying to keep in this positive mood. "I barely know your name."
"I'm not expecting anything, Kurt." Sebastian wasn't sure if he could even feel that way again. His heart was always going to be Kurt's. His body had shut off somewhere along the way. "I'm really not expecting anything. There's a lot of hurdles for me to get over too before we can meet at that point."
"Really?" Kurt's blue-green eyes were so inquisitive. "Like what?"
"Like the fact that my boyfriend has been in a coma for nearly 6 months!" He snapped and instantly felt badly, felt even worse when Kurt flinched back. "I'm sorry!" Sebastian reached out instinctively in an apology but dropped his hand, he couldn't touch Kurt and Kurt didn't want him to either. He didn't deserve to touch Kurt.
Kurt lifted both of his hands and held them out in front of him, reaching tentatively to rest on Sebastian's chest lightly. Sebastian flinched a little but didn't pull away nor let Kurt pull his hands away. He put his hands over Kurt's and waited for him to speak first. "Ok, we can work with this. I'm sorry things have been so terrible for you. I can't make any promises but I'm reassured that you're not going to push for more. I have a tendency to-"
"Be friends with guys before you start dating them, yeah, I'm aware." Sebastian smiled bashfully when he finished Kurt's sentence for him. Kurt was looking at him oddly and had always hated that, hated being predictable. He was definitely not predictable but he wouldn't believe it whenever Sebastian said so and definitely didn't believe it when Sebastian could finish his sentences. There were some positives in that though, Kurt had admitted on a couple of occasions. One was that they could tell their stories so much easier to people at parties if they could just pick up for each other. The other was that Sebastian knew what he was thinking then, and vice-versa on when they wanted to leave a party and why.
"That's so weird." Kurt laughed. "I think I'll have to get used to that quickly though. You have eight years on me." Then Kurt frowned as he redid the math. "Wait a second, does that mean I'm thirty!" He shouted and someone poked their head in to make sure everything was ok. Sebastian waved them off with a bit too forceful of a gesture but he didn't want anyone interrupting them.
He got an eye roll and the head disappeared back out the door, shutting it quietly behind them.
"Yep, told you that you should be careful with calling me old." Sebastian's eyes roamed over Kurt's body jokingly and he had to bite his bottom lip. So maybe that wasn't completely gone. It was inconvenient to learn that right now though after reassuring Kurt he wasn't going to want it any time soon. He had definitely thought that at the time. He couldn't leave it where he did though and worked to cover up any awkward gaps. "Though you are looking good in your senior years, Mr. Hummel."
"You know what they say, time makes a man." Kurt preened.
"More attractive, can't promise anything about maturity of personality."
"Hey!" Kurt poked him in the ribs. "That was uncalled for. I've always been an old soul."
"Now your body is catching up." Sebastian squirmed away from another finger in his side.
"You're so rude." Kurt crossed his arms and pouted. "I can't believe I missed my 30th birthday."
"You would have hated every minute of it if you'd been awake." Sebastian reminded him and Kurt eyed him wearily. "Now what?"
"How can you be in my brain so completely?"
Sebastian sighed, thinking he really messed up and hadn't even gotten to the really terrible stuff yet. "I'm-".
"No apologies." Kurt put his hand over Sebastian's mouth and both looked down at it in surprise and he pulled away but didn't wipe his hand off. "I don't want you to apologize for being real. You're not doing it on purpose to manipulate me and I like seeing that I had this kind of relationship with you. I thought I would only have it with Rachel."
"Oh, you haven't even met Santana yet, she's got a scary third eye that knows things that we don't even know ourselves." Sebastian touched his own forehead with the side of his index finger. Kurt crossed his eyes adorably trying to sort that out and imagine that there was an eye there. Sebastian didn't get to introduce Kurt to these things before. It was kind of fun bringing Kurt into his world.
Maybe they could wipe the slate clean and start again, start the way they should have. Kurt knew they were dating but probably felt single and Sebastian still wanted Kurt. He was getting excited by the prospect.
Then his world crashed in on himself. The trouble was, it wasn't a clean slate for both of them. Sebastian knew everything and it would come across as manipulative and Kurt would be pissed if he found out later all the things Sebastian wanted to hide from him. It would be better to just be honest and upfront. The only real slate cleaner was if they both had amnesia and were meeting on equal footing for the first time.
"Was it always so easy and fun between us?" Kurt asked, genuinely interested in the answer and Sebastian knew this was his opportunity to be really truthful. He knew it would end them before they even began but he couldn't keep it from Kurt.
"No, no it wasn't. We had our problems, we fought. Neither of us were perfect and we're both stubborn and so stupidly smart that makes us really stupid sometimes. We're also really dumb."
Kurt tilted his head, eyes almost crossed again as he focused on Sebastian's face. "You're really dumb." He teased gently but Sebastian shook his head, not denying it but not agreeing with why Kurt was saying it right now too. "I already figured all of that out."
"Yeah, ok." Sebastian rolled his eyes this time. "Right."
"I did. I didn't miss you come in this morning nor how you were behaving with the doctor. If you got my dad to let you call him dad, then you either had to be incredibly dumb not to realize he was giving off so many 'go away' vibes or incredibly stubborn. Finn's dumb and missed all of it but dad also tried harder with him since he was Carole's kid. Sam, bless his heart, is also dumb. He is also incredibly sweet. Puck is also dumb."
"Not bless his heart?" Sebastian teased.
"Nope, he's a jerk but a dumb jerk who has a big heart. Dad hated him for so long. He kept coming around, kept eating the food, kept harassing me but also in a weird way saving me." Kurt frowned a little as he thought about it. "Dave wasn't smart but he wasn't dumb, he got that dad would never ever warm up toward him, especially with how he originally treated me. He would be tolerant but cold and watching. Dave hated it, had commented on it quite often. Chandler... Chandler is special."
"Yeah, I know, I met him." Sebastian shook his head, remembering Chandler speak still put him in a daze. "I was exhausted just listening to him talk."
"Chandler was not stubborn enough." Kurt settled into the couch by Sebastian's side, probably not even realizing that he had gotten close enough to be shoulder to shoulder. "You had to be stubborn because you're not dumb."
"I'm dumb though." Sebastian pointed out. "I make mistakes, big ones. Ones I regret with my whole being."
"See, you're not dumb because you do regret them, hopefully learn from them." Kurt's eyes swung up to Sebastian's and they were so close. "But you are also an idiot." He laughed as Sebastian's face fell. Sebastian was starting to feel hopeful again. "You're an idiot, but not a complete and total one. You shouldn't be telling me all your faults right now, you should be waxing all your good points to me, wooing me."
"Oh no, as you've said, I'm not a total idiot. My telling you all my good points would just drive you away."
"Because there aren't any?" Kurt teased and Sebastian felt a corner of his mouth lift. He missed this Kurt so much. They'd been fighting so much before the coma, this gentle teasing had disappeared in most of their interactions.
"Got it in one guess, I stand corrected, you're not so dumb yourself."
"Nope, I'm stubborn, I'm a Hummel."
"That you are." Sebastian agreed softly. "But you're also considerate, compassionate and when in the right mood, able to see different sides to a situation. You're able to compromise and forgive."
"Sebastian." Kurt frowned at him now, all teasing disappearing. "What did you do that was so bad? You keep dancing around it. What? Did you push me in front of the car or something?"
Sebastian's eyes closed forcefully and he flinched backward, into himself and his arms came up and wrapped around his chest. He hadn't, he wouldn't, he never could. The idea that he was even capable of that was bad enough but it came from Kurt of all people. How could he even joke?
"I'm sorry, oh god, I'm so sorry." Kurt's hands were on him, pulling him to his chest and one arm wrapped around Sebastian's shoulders and the other stroking his hair. "It was terrible of me to say, I wasn't thinking, I was just trying to pry into that brain of yours, and lighten the mood a little. I'm sorry." There were tears clogging Kurt's voice now and Sebastian felt a hot droplet fall onto his head but it cooled quickly and made him shiver.
Sebastian's chest squeezed painfully tight, he made Kurt cry? That was not supposed to happen. "Please don't." He said and Kurt's fingers stilled and he started lifting his hands from Sebastian. "No, please don't cry."
"Oh." A strangled laugh. "Apparently you don't know me as well as I thought. I cry all the time."
"I know that." Sebastian didn't want to leave Kurt's shoulder and the warmth of being encapsulated in his arms but he had to pull back to look at Kurt. "It's still always hard to witness when they're not happy tears."
"I'm sorry I hurt you." Kurt smiled sadly at him. "It hadn't been my intention."
"I know." Sebastian rubbed his chest, wondering if 29 was too young for a heart attack. "I'm just still pretty sensitive." It had only been a day. Only a day? It felt like a lifetime.
"Right, no, I get it. I keep forgetting, it's just all so surreal." Kurt smiled lopsidedly. "It's very soap opera like."
"Yet it's our real life."
"Who would have thought it could be possible?" They shared a look and then a laugh. Kurt slumped against Sebastian and they both looked out across the room. Sebastian was surprised Kurt would do that and then he thought about it again.
"Are you feeling ok?"
"Just a bit tired, why?" Kurt then realized where he was too. "Oh, sorry. I can keep myself upright." He started to move away from Sebastian.
"No, it's fine." Sebastian reassured.
"Ok good, because it's surprisingly comfortable." Kurt rested against him again and Sebastian was tempted to wrap his arm around Kurt but held off. It was too soon and Kurt was making a lot of great progress on his own.
Before it got too far though, Sebastian needed to tell him. He turned his head to Kurt but found Kurt's eyes closed and he was snoring softly while sitting up and putting pressure on his diaphragm. The snoring was a new development. It was incredibly reassuring, Kurt hadn't made a sound even while breathing for all these months. Kurt's breathing lulled Sebastian back into his own dream-world.
He'd never expected Kurt to be like this after the way he was the night before. He didn't think they'd ever get here again but maybe Burt had taken some of that suspicion out of him. He was loathe to put it back in Kurt's eyes but knew it would be necessary sooner rather than later.
–
He didn't get a chance that evening, the others bombarded Kurt with their presence and Kurt had to meet and understand Santana and Brittany all over again. Each of them were a bit bonkers. Rachel came in and sobbed all over Kurt's chest.
Kurt sat back and held Rachel at a distance before his hand reached out and touched her hair. "Bangs? Seriously? Who approved such a travesty?"
"You did." Rachel pulled her bangs out of the way to reveal a scar above her left eyebrow. Sebastian forgot about that. It was definitely not pretty and was very noticeable.
"When did you get that?" Kurt asked and Sebastian was glad that he hadn't had to.
"When my understudy was mad that I never took a day off. She phantom of the opera'd me." Rachel said dramatically, wanting all the sympathy again.
Kurt frowned and leaned forward to check on Rachel's throat. "She tried to strangle you?"
"No, just dropped a light on me. I had a concussion for a week." Sebastian had been mad that Kurt had spent every day all day with Rachel and would come back late and catch a few hours of sleep in their bed before going back in the early hours of the morning. Kurt never really explained how Rachel had been hurt, and knowing that she had a concussion would have made it easier on Sebastian. He might have suggested they both stay over to keep an eye on her. He just thought she was playing the victim card and was keeping him wrapped around her little finger. Sebastian was surprised Kurt came home at all now during those times. He was glad, but surprised. Then again, he'd have pounded down the door and dragged Kurt back, protests and all.
Sebastian squeezed Rachel's hand and Santana's weren't the only eyebrows that rose at that.
Burt cleared his throat and whatever he was saying died as Kurt's eyes slipped backward in his head and he slumped into Rachel before his body seized again. Sebastian's hands were on him, moving him to a safer position, protecting his neck as others called for help. Sebastian knew what to do now and it didn't make it any easier.
This time he woke up after it and though he was confused by the change of arrangements, he appeared to just want to go back to what they were talking about and doing before. Sebastian excused himself and went to throw up in the bathroom.
This was not a good sign and tears poured down his cheeks even as he threw up some more. Santana squeezed in with him and sat on the floor, legs stretched out in front of her, her back against the furthest wall from the toilet and she rubbed his back. When he risked a glance her way, he saw she was crying fat rolling tears as well but hers were silent for once.
"It doesn't mean anything." She tried. "They've done a lot of brain scans over the months. They haven't detected anything."
"Doesn't mean something isn't there." Sebastian sat back from the toilet, reached out and flushed it. He rested on his heels and she continued her soothing motion. "He was unconscious, then amnesiac and now two seizures. There has to be something they're missing to explain it."
"Maybe it's just his brain coping, maybe these things are just the brain trying to explain it away, rather than actually having something wrong with it. It could be mental and not physiological. There's so much left unexplained there too. The brain is a mysterious thing."
"I want to believe that, Santana, I really do." Sebastian was a realist though and the facts were staring him directly in the face. "Except I've already learned not to believe in fairy tales."
A knock on the door and Burt looked in on them apologetically. "You're really worrying Kurt."
Sebastian snorted but there was no mirth in his sound. "That's apropos for Kurt."
"You're worrying all of us actually and we have a lot of worry on our plate already. Perhaps its best if you go?"
Santana would have clawed his eyes out if he wasn't Burt, she may still had Sebastian not needed her more. "No." She answered for both of them, neither were leaving. Sebastian needed to be here.
"I was just thinking, for Kurt's benefit. He's looking a bit anxious about you two in here. You weren't exactly quiet. He's worried about you and that's not good for him."
"I'll be out in a minute, but I'm not leaving." He'd already tried that.
"Ok." Burt tried for a reassuring smile but it fell quickly. Burt was also a realist, and he'd already lost a spouse. He'd married someone who'd also lost a spouse and had almost lost Burt too. He knew it was a very real possibility that he could lose his son. Finn had already shot himself in the foot when he thought he could be a soldier. He was relieved of finishing out boot camp and dismissed from all military action after that. Whoever looked at Finn and thought it was a good idea to sign him up to be a soldier was nuts. That bullet could have ended up somewhere else.
Betsy got locked up tight after that and there were no bullets in the house. Which made Burt's non-too-subtle threats all that much weaker, having been told that detail by Kurt. Burt pulled it out during the second and third visits, knowing Sebastian was coming along on those occasions rather than sprung upon. He realized it was doing no good except make Finn nervous, so he put her away again.
The doctors were still in there, looking over Kurt who wasn't participating very well as he kept trying to look around them for Sebastian.
Sebastian came over and held out his hand, Kurt took it, relieved. His eyes sought out Sebastian's, trying to assess how he was doing. Sebastian had no problems with that, he was looking right back at Kurt, trying to determine how Kurt was doing. "I'm fine." Kurt eventually said in exasperation and waved them all away.
"They're just doing their job." Burt reminded him gently and Kurt sighed and turned to participate now that he was reassured Sebastian wasn't going to keel over or something. Sebastian's lips quivered, that was such a Kurt thing, worrying about Sebastian's reaction when he was the one who was sick or injured. He also felt bad when he made someone's job more difficult, having hated that himself when he was in their position. He had no trouble speaking up for himself or putting someone in their place but as long as everyone was being polite and trying, he tried not to make it harder.
Sebastian squashed his desire to confess all. Just because Kurt was awake, didn't mean he was equipped to handle what Sebastian had to say. He might not live long enough to hear it and it shouldn't be something he was worrying about or thinking about. Sebastian would shoulder this on his own. It might be the only time it was less impactful for Kurt, but it was obvious that he took the fact that everyone kept telling him that Sebastian was his boyfriend seriously. He may not remember or have an emotional connection to the relationship right now, but he was honoring it and trying to get to know Sebastian. He certainly already cared about how Sebastian was doing.
Sebastian tried not to think about how the end was already written on the walls. What was the point in putting him through 6 months of agony to have Kurt wake up to only rip him away again? There was no period of healing, just loss and pain. This was so much worse than if Kurt had died in that crash, wasn't it? No, no, he got a few more days with Kurt awake and orient even if he didn't remember Sebastian, he was still Kurt and he still got to hold and talk to him. He would cherish whatever days he got, whatever time he got. He would not be leaving again. It had been foolish to even try.
–
The doctors put Kurt through so many more tests. They were all getting irritable by the time they ran out of things to try. Sebastian wasn't sleeping, he hadn't slept in nearly two days. He would sit down or lay down on the couch but sleep wouldn't come. Kurt even patted the bed and said Sebastian could sleep in the bed with him. It was an unfamiliar bed even if he'd slept in there once, and Kurt was a familiar body. He hadn't slept in a bed with Kurt except that once in 6 months. He hadn't had anyone in his bed and before Kurt, it was rare too. He tried for a minute but couldn't get comfortable and got out and went to the gym.
He snapped at everyone but Kurt. They got his food wrong, he'd wanted the vanilla not the chocolate pudding. The drink was too warm when it was supposed to be cold, too cold when it was supposed to be warm. Sometimes even when it was warm it was too warm and when it was cold, too cold. The food never tasted right even though they had state of the art equipment and top chefs and ingredients. Sebastian had never had a complaint before but these days it all tasted like sawdust.
His eyes kept leaking. He thought there really was something wrong with them. Had he nicked something and they didn't have the ability to squeeze shut and stop the tap? Or maybe they needed to coagulate like blood?
The times that his eyes closed and he dozed, the tears came stronger and harder and he would wake himself up with the force of his cries. Kurt would look at him sadly and follow him with his eyes. Sebastian was sure he was disrupting Kurt's sleep too.
Then he found himself outside in the middle of the night, in the pouring rain. Letting the rain wash his tears away, or more to the point, hide them.
Kurt held an umbrella over him, protecting him from the elements and his own raging thoughts. They separated when they came in. After drying him off and warming him up, Sebastian was pushed onto the couch to sleep, sobbing even then but unable to be woken. When he did wake, he felt peaceful for the first time in awhile and realized his hand was being held, but more than that, a body was snuggled onto top of his, an arm wrapped around his waist and a face pressed against his chest. The other hand was curled around Sebastian's between their chests, kept warm and safe. Kurt put aside his own unease to sooth Sebastian.
Kurt did more than hold that umbrella for him. Kurt was the umbrella and he just held Kurt even tighter as the smaller male slept. Sebastian swallowed hard, bound and determined to make things better for Kurt. He didn't deserve to be around Sebastian's rotten mood for his final days. He hadn't snapped at Kurt, always spoke to him gently, but he would be a new Sebastian from now on.