Chapter 09

Thrive to Live

Now—

"Toushirou, would you like to go grocery shopping with me later?" The man called from the other couch across from the captain, using the table where he was doing all of his class work. "Or do you want to s—"
"Don't bother asking things that you already know the answer to, it's annoying." He answered in boredom as was reading a book to pass the time. "Besides that, you have to finish your work before you leave."
"I know that, you don't have to remind me." His attention lifted curiously while hearing the tone that was given to him, making him a little interested. "Are you still upset that I'm staying home from now on?"

"…no."

Two months ago after admitting being a survivor of sexual assault, Ichigo had done drastic measures to reassure the little captain of his safety. Kurosaki Ichigo fought and argued all weekend after he woke up from that night, and he demanded for online classes, or independent studies. It seemed illogical with there only being five more months of classes left, but after explaining that there was a serious situation at home, they made it happen. Now there were catches, one of his flirty colleagues would come by every weekday to pass him some notes to keep him up to date. The second best student in Ichigo's classes would come in once a week to make sure that he understood everything that they worked on in class. A professor would come in twice a month to give him tests—coincidentally showing the professor why…

Why Ichigo now stays home…

"Good, I'll be done in about an hour. How about you go look in the fridge to see what you would like to get when we go?" Ichigo returned to his work, trying to get things accurately completed to stay at the top of the class; the main reason why he was allowed to do class from home. "And no strawberries this time."
"I see no reason why we can't, Strawberry." He sat up and placed the book away; he figured that he could insult Ichigo with name-calling. After all, Ichigo did also mean strawberry. "They have more flavor than watermelon, and they taste surprisingly good on cake. Dipped in that chocolate tasted good as well."
In truth, it was frustrating Ichigo in several ways, including sexual. 'He has no idea how hard he's driving me insane.' He knew the captain was unaware of the teasing that he did by saying strawberry and going on about how good they were. 'Then again, he doesn't know that I've been crazy these past two months.'

The supposed one night sleeping in Ichigo's bed became a routine in which led him to sleep in the middle.

Toushirou did not know that Ichigo was still a young healthy man with needs of his own to take care of whenever it occurs. Three times this week he found the captain curled and nuzzled up against his body, one leg slightly over his pelvis as if he were a stuffed animal. Each time, Ichigo found himself thinking of horrid images to settle down his arousal, but last night was harder to deal with than before. His face was close to his, muttering his host's first name in his sleep without insult or malice, it was cute and innocent.

"Damn it," he seethed, feeling the arousal returning due to remembering last night. "Not now…"

"Did you say something?" The captain called from the kitchen, checking their food stock.
"N-No, nothing." Ichigo jumped to his feet. "I'm going to take a shower real quick first!"
A long silence struck as the man finished his work. He came over. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." Hands placed themselves on his lap to hide it. "Did you get it all?"
Toushirou knew he was hiding something, making him angry. "What is it?"

"Nothing… I don't want you uncomfortable, that's all." There was no way to divert his attention now, so he had to say something else. "Can you please go back to the kitchen to check on our food stock?" He saw how the anger turned into slight worry about him, so he smiled. "Everything's fine, just go back in there."

With a quiet nod, Toushirou returned to the kitchen, allowing Ichigo to go to the bathroom for a shower.

It was hard to have someone sleep with him when they were only friends, but to cling and rub against them while muttering his name was too much. He did not wash his hair or grab the soap, only let the water engulf him as much as he allowed it as flashbacks struck him from the year of war. It was nothing that he cared to think of when there were more pressing matters to deal with right now when there was a victim in his apartment. He could not become aroused in front of him again, he knew that Toushirou had been scarred enough, and to see his friend aroused would not help.

Ichigo exhaled softly due to recovering from arousal, and wrapped a towel around his waist so he could walk to his room in a moment. He looked at himself in the mirror, only to see Aizen Sousuke's face—he smashed the mirror instantly; thinking upon instincts. His eyes widened when realizing what he had just done… why did his mind play a trick like that on him… he did not want to think about it. The man slowly removed his hand from the mirror as Toushirou slammed the door open to the bathroom, worriedly.

Turquoise hues saw the blood and glass in his fist, but equally noticed that the man would be naked if not for the towel wrapped around his waist. "…what happened?" He watched as Ichigo placed his hands on the counter, taking in deep breaths. "Kurosaki," still, he did not receive a response as the man was silent.

This was the first time Toushirou had seen a man's body since training subordinates in Soul Society; no one undressed themselves when he was assaulted. Only a Pet was naked. His attention went to Ichigo's hand to see him clenching it tightly as the glass began to slip out of his skin as he began to heal.

"Kurosaki."

Ichigo flinched and looked at him after a few seconds. "Sorry, I'm fine." He looked to the mirror. "I thought I saw ghost or something." His eyes are closed, reminding himself. 'Do not fear… become fear itself…'
"Kurosaki, tell me what happened." He watched Ichigo dazing off, and so he grabbed his wrist firmly to snap him out of it. "What is going on—?" Gold hues turned to him as a fist swung around to hit him.
'Wait!' The man told himself, freezing in place before hitting the captain who did not flinch. "Sorry…" he tried to walk around him, but his path was blocked. "Toushirou, you need to be more careful than that."
"Was your Hollow side acting up again?" After being around for three months, he knew that his Hollow side was protective of its host. "Did you see your Hollow in the mirror?" Nothing. "I want an answer."

"I saw—" Someone rang the doorbell, he sensed the reiatsu that made him falter. "What's going on?" His eyes caught glimpse of Toushirou who also recognized the reiatsu and lightly tensed. "Hey," He picked him up and placed him on the counter to look at him face to face. "You've come a long way, and you know that she would never hurt you right?" Ichigo watched him nod. "Can you answer the door?"

"What if I freeze?" He whispered quietly. "What if I attack?" He had before to another. "What if—"

"You won't know until you try." Ichigo patted his head before going to his room. "I'll be a minute, I have to put some clothes on." His voice was shallower than ever as he quietly closed the door behind himself.

Toushirou took in a deep breath before hopping off the counter where he had been placed so he could answer the door to see Momo. He tensed when seeing her not even three feet away as she smiled and giggled happily when seeing him—she then opened her arms to hug him. Ichigo called out from the front of the hall, finished dressing and asking her why she would hug a captain when it was consider being inappropriate behavior. His tone was a little calmer to Toushirou's surprise, and sure enough, Momo began running to him happily instead, much to the captain's relief. Momo froze before he touched him however as she recognized that something was wrong with him; something that had happened. She looked at him for the longest time as if staring would help answer her questions, but then asked aloud.

"Did something happen…?" Her expression dreaded with fear. "Why are you looking like that?"
"Don't worry about it, I'll deal with it later if I think it's serious." He looked to her. "As for you…"
Momo knew that she was in trouble. "I asked Grimmjow-kun if he could bring me here—"
"You went through a garganta?" Both males roared in surprise, clearly angry.

"Momo, I've told you—" Ichigo gritted his teeth, trying his best to not to show any sign of anger, but it was hard not to do this. "Never mind, what are you doing here? You know that I banned all to come here."
"I wanted to see you! I wanted to see Shirou-chan! For some reason your communicator had been shut off! Anyone who tries to come here gets warned by Grimmjow-kun." She caused Toushirou to flinch.
"My com—" he gritted in annoyance as he scolded the captain who was already looking away with eyes shut. "Yes… I guess it has been off. I'll remember to turn it on later." He walked into the kitchen quietly.

Momo saw how glum Toushirou looked, "I missed you Shirou-chan—!"

"Hey," Ichigo called out, behind her in a flash while grabbing her head before she hugged the now frozen captain. "Toushirou doesn't feel well, you'll definitely catch it if you touch him." With that, he walked away and returned what he was going to do. 'If Grimmjow brought her here, would she have been in danger in Soul Society?' He could not be certain until he received word from one of his followers, but when—

Grimmjow then appeared in front of him from a garganta. "An uproar has been created, someone is heavily disturbing the forest. Strays are becoming wild and distracting Stark to a minimum. I believe—"
"I do to…" He thought about it, hoping that his theory had always been wrong. "We'll have to make haste then, send Lilinette to warn Renji, you and Ulquiorra take care of the intruder. Have her stabilize things."
With a nod, the feline Menos vanished as Momo and Toushirou came into the room, and the former that arrived spoke first. "What did he tell you? Was it something that got you mad—" a hand came to her face.
"That's enough questions for now," he caressed her face gently before softly shifting her bangs away from her eyes. "Now then, how about you go use the bathroom across the guestroom before we go shopping?"

"Kay!" She was not aware of the accident in Ichigo's bathroom with the mirror.

Toushirou turned to the host with a worried gaze, "I don't know if I can manage that Kurosaki, this is the first time you've introduced me to others that I know, and I've already panicked four times because of her. I can't have Hinamori believing that this is her fault, please have her return to Soul Society, please."

He placed his hands on the captain's shoulders as he looked at him eye to eye. "Grimmjow wouldn't send her against my orders, unless, something bad might happen. I'll tell you what happened because I have faith in you, okay?" This earned him a slow worried nod. "For a split second, I looked in the mirror and saw Aizen, that's why the mirror is smashed in." His hands felt the small one tense and knew what he was thinking. "There are some things that I had to keep hidden from Soul Society, Aizen not fully dead was one of them. Traces of his final form created a small insignificant Hollow, and I've been watching over it."

"As a Pet?" Toushirou shoved away; knowing the taunts Sousuke would give. "You're sick Kurosaki!"
"Toushirou, it's not like that… at least let me explain things to you?" He had to explain things.
His head shook at this, "I can't do this…" he took a step back. "Bastard…" He turned—

"Toushirou!" The man yelled, cringing after the fact. "You may have improved dramatically on recovering, but you haven't gone out on your own yet!" This caused the captain to freeze. "He's not one of my pets, nor a follower, okay?" He resisted having him look at him. "After I killed Ulquiorra in blind range, I did not want to kill a life source again unless it was necessary. I did not want that rage to consume me and make me more Hollow than I need to be." Toushirou wanted to look at him. "I can't take a life and not regret it, you can't understand because you're not part human. But it's just as bad when you made your mistake."

Finally, the captain turned to look at him. "You're trying to give him a second chance?"

"Not just Aizen, but for Tousen and Ichimaru too," he sighed and sat on a chair at the kitchen table. "I know they all used each other, and they were aware of it, so I've given them all a second chance." His hand came up to hold his head. "I didn't want to burden anyone with this. So I had someone watch them, making sure they don't attack one another and don't evolve to the next level." Ichigo did not want anyone to know about this. "If Aizen makes a move, Grimmjow and Ulquiorra would handle it. I wanted to see if I can trust them enough to give them their bodies back. In the end… two wanted to atone for everything."

"But why… why Aizen?" Toushirou looked hurt… and betrayed. "Why give him a second chance?"

As Toushirou continue to bash him on his choices and his actions, his host was slowly starting to lose his patience with this. Ichigo had thought that he could trust him with this bit of information that only three Shinigami knew about, but it seemed that he was wrong. His head began to throb as the captain yelled at him some more as he could only take in the verbal beating that he had been receiving for five minutes. A faint scent of salt water hit his nose—he had forgot about Momo, and she hated when others argued a lot.

"Toushirou!" Ichigo snapped finally, being defensive for Momo's sake. "Listen, I do my best to not judge you on your actions, can you at least try to do the same for me?" He watched as the captain looked at him in fear, horror, and shock. "I'm sorry Toushirou," His form left and stood at the front of the hall, looking downwards. "Momo, we shouldn't be fighting, we didn't mean to scare you." The man caught her as she flung into his arms sobbing, and he picked her up as if she were a five year old. "Everything's okay."

Turquoise hues looked at the scene, not realizing that Momo had been listening—worse, she had been listening to him yelling with mixed emotions towards her future captain. He did not mean to have this happen; he was taken by surprise at the fact that Sousuke and the other two were not dead in the slightest. His mouth opened to apologize to them both, but he became mute when seeing Ichigo settling Momo down as she was choking on her sobs. Toushirou could not handle what he did; it being the first time he felt he had really disappointed Ichigo, why did he judge him like that after everything?

The captain turned and ran to the guestroom.

It had been hours, and everyone was separated in different rooms; Momo was sleeping in Ichigo's room, Toushirou was sulking in the guestroom, and Ichigo roaming the house. He had sent Kon to take care of retrieving the groceries in his human body, having him stand around in his Shinigami form to think of how cruel he had been to the captain. As he began to leave the front room, Ulquiorra appeared to announce that the problem had been taken care of by annihilating the source. When he was gone, Ichigo decided that now was probably a good time to talk to Toushirou in order to apologize for the things that he said.

To his surprise after knocking and entering, he saw Toushirou huddled against the headboard where the host would sit to have him on his lap. He sighed softly before locking the door to make sure Momo would not startle the captain when it came down to their conversation if they have one. Ichigo watched as the captain glimpsed at him before hiding his face; obviously, Toushirou blamed himself for everything.

"Do you know how it's so hard to care for the people you love?" His voice was soft and gentle to soothe any worries that the other would have as he sat on the side of the bed. "Because if it was easy, it wouldn't mean so much." He then whispered quietly to him. "I shouldn't have snapped at you, I'm really sorry."

"I'm the one who snapped inappropriately," Toushirou whispered quietly. "Who am I to question you?"

"A friend who has concerns about his own welfare." He saw him look at him with guilt. "I know that you were thinking that he would somehow know what happened to you, but you have no reason to worry about it any longer." Ichigo huffed as he scratched his head. "They put an end to him for illegal riots."

"…illegal …riots?" The captain had never heard of such thing.

"I put down a few laws saying what others can or cannot do. Causing riots was one of them to decrease the number of Gillian." Attention went elsewhere as he continued. "Once a month I allow them to challenge each other in which make one hundred Gillian in a month, and they produce only ten Adjuchas. After proving themselves, it is decided whether they are killed or not." Ichigo stopped talking about that to look at the captain. "Anyway, enough about trivial things. What's on your mind, Toushirou?"

"A few things…" He paused. "Such as why you held Hinamori against you in that manner earlier."
"I've held you in similar manners. There was nothing I could do when she jumped into my arms as she did." Ichigo looked at him. "Why, are you becoming a little jealous? You want to sit on my lap then?"
Instantly, the captain threw a pillow at the man's face. "Bastard, I have no reason for some childish fantasies that you might have!" What took him by surprise was the gentle smile given. "W-What is it?"
"Nothing, you're very lively today, I'm happy." His hand came over to pat his head, but stopped and reeled his hand back when remembering Toushirou shoving away. "You're doing very well with Momo here, too."
"Why didn't you touch my head as you always do?" Toushirou tried not to sound like he was complaining, but he was surely enough confused by it. "Did I subconsciously want you to not touch me or something?"

"You shoved me away the last time I touched you, that's all." Ichigo gave a soft smile as he began to get up, but the sleeve of his shirt was grasped, and a head against his shoulder. "You're showing it again."

What he meant by this, was that the little captain was showing a side that he did not want others to see; a side that showed his fear and need for things. Right now, his need for being cared for by this man was the side that was revealing itself in order to keep his savior from leaving the room like this. It was not hard for Ichigo to determine what happened or why this situation occurred—it was like bait, and he took it easily. A calm silence filled the room as they stayed there; one on their knees clinging to the man that was sitting on the side of the bed. There was nothing that he could do about it when he finally had Toushirou finally leaning on someone for help… for support… for many things others could not give.

"I'm sorry…" the captain whispered.

"Don't apologize," he replied quietly. "It's in the past now, it's okay to move on from this." Accidentally, he grunted in discomfort due to having exerted his reiatsu. 'I should have take a share from Ulquiorra w—'
A hand faced up was shoved in front of his face. "I can feel your reiatsu wavering heavily. You shared a lot with those Menos that came here." Toushirou motioned his hand again. "Take as much as you want."
"I guess you would feel obligated to do something for me, wouldn't you…" His hand lowered the other's. "I have to take a little more than just a bit though, and I don't think you can handle that." He told the truth.
"As a taichou, I'm ordering you to take as much as you want, however you want." There was a long pause between them before Ichigo hovered a hand over his chest. 'Could it be…' He removed his shirt for him.
"You make it hard to resist the offer." Ichigo smiled weakly as he placed a hand against his chest. "Ah… I am too weak right now." His attention went to him. "Are you alright with my lips against your skin then?"
"Don't make me repeat myself." Turquoise hues watched as the hand left his chest, and Ichigo's head lowered beneath his chin. 'Their spots are where their Hollow marking's are.' He shuttered at the thought.

Ichigo stopped to look at him, believing his motion scared him. "Looks like I'll have to bond with you a little then." He looked at him gently. "If you can or want, wrap your arms around my neck, and bury yourself against me." His body felt him obey, he lowered his head against his chest, and kissed between his collarbones for a few seconds before pulling away. "Are you okay?" The man felt a small nod against him.

For not feeling lips against his body, Toushirou slowly pulled away to look at the man who took a very small amount of reiatsu, and watched him exhale a fog of cool air. He almost chuckled if he did not realize that he had removed his shirt for this man to see his body and the faint scars from being abused during his time in that hellhole. His hand was then gently held and placed against his stomach over the scars before glowing a bright light blue until their hands move aside. Turquoise hues turned to look at the spot where the scars were many, only to see that the scars here healed and no longer present.

Toushirou knew instantly that happened. "You idiot, I didn't offer my reiatsu just so you could heal me!"
His hues were slowly turning gold. "It's fine, I'll borrow my own powers." He collapsed against the bed.
"Kurosaki!" Damn him—he would kill him if he did not learn to care about this man. "Get up bastard!"
"I don't know what would happen if I took your reiatsu for myself." Ichigo sighed. "It tastes too good."
'If his Hollow side likes it… could it be that he's trying to protect me?' This made him frown even more.

"I can lose control sometimes, and if I manage to do that in front of you again in an aggressive manner, I don't know what I'll do." The man stared at the ceiling tiredly as he continued. "I already scared you today by snapping. It was to stop our conversation for Momo's sake, causing me to neglect your own sake…"
A thought then occurred to Toushirou and looked at him. "Kurosaki… take some of my reiatsu for yourself while you still have some strength left." He earned a scowl to decline. "If you don't, you'll be more likely to lost control of yourself again. If you do, then you'll be able to learn to restrain yourself from my reiatsu."
"This isn't a game," before Toushirou could even blink, he was placed on his back against the bed, and Ichigo held his hands over his head against the covers. "You already know that I have been fighting my urges of many sorts, but you have to remember that I'm a man too, and I also have my limits too."
"I'm not afraid of you." The captain whispered, not fazed by the man on his hands and knees over his body. "I appreciate everything that you have done for me, and more." He saw the man bite his lip hard as he turned his gaze away. "What are you trying to hide from me? Why are trying to find fear within me?"

"Because no matter how much you trust me, I'm still a monster, too." Ichigo brought his free hand into view as fingernails turned to claws. "Don't you remember? I've been watched since my conception date, and been used since. All in the name of being the God's perfect creation. Receiving powers that no plain Shinigami could ever accomplish, a power that quite possible only I could ever obtain?" He winced.

"…Ichigo," the captain watched as he stiffened. "Please," he started. "Take my reiatsu for yourself."

Said male sighed in exhaustion before leaning his lips next to his ear, "you're a tiresome little man."

Nonetheless, Ichigo obeyed by lowering his head down to brush against his skin slowly until reaching the spot as to where he would be absorbing the reiatsu from. He felt the other shiver be it from cold or fear, so he pulled away from him—only to have now freed hands to wrap around his neck and face buried into his shoulder. Ah… Toushirou only wanted a safety blanket that Ichigo taught him moments ago, since this was the reason—and silent permission to continue, Ichigo did just that.

Toushirou could feel his reiatsu being slowly drained out of him, but the sensation it brought to his lower half made him panic as he knew what was going to happen. He begged whatever God that would listen to a prayer from a Shinigami who had no God, to not let this man find out that this was getting him aroused. His mind swarmed with mixed signals that told him to attack and hide, to scream and stay silent; he had never encountered this pose, nor the sensation that he was receiving. The captain's hold on his neck began to loosen as he was falling into a daze, it was scaring him—was this good, or was it bad?

Salt water came to Ichigo's nose, and he pulled away to look at him, staring into tear-filled eyes.

"…Kurosaki…"