Chapter 5
3 weeks after the attack and Arizona was busier than ever. Alex had been arrested for beating De Luca, and suspended awaiting trial which was taking forever, which meant Peds was a department head down trying to complete both full time surgeons' days was exhausting. What was worse was being torn between her loyalty to Alex and her loyalty to DeLuca, both had an important part in her life. So, she had yelled at Alex for being so stupid and told Deluca he could keep living at the house, someone may as well. She'd only been home a few times, since the accident when either Bailey or April were nagging her about how much time she was spending in the hospital or when she ran out of clean undies and socks.
Every day she woke at 3am, normally screaming or in a cold sweat gasping for breath. She showered and dressed her wardrobe choice was back to normal the bruises and scars fading enough to be hidden. By 0330 she'd start rounding on her surgeries from the day before writing notes and planning her surgeries for the day, 0430 the interns would arrive, she had 2 assigned to her one for each service. They'd start rounding on the pre-op patients. By 0530 the residents would arrive, after updating them, she'd stop grab something to eat from the attendings lounge, at 0600 she'd start operating, a resident would close with the intern would update the relative and prep the next one, residents even allowed to open on their own. They'd finished, she would grab a drink use the loo and scrub for the next procedure. A quick break at 1300 to swap the scrub team and anaesthetist, she'd check on all the post ops, re round the pre-ops and sort out any discharges. At 1400 they'd start again, pausing at 1900 so Arizona could call Sofia, read her a story or just discuss her daughters day, once Sofia had become bored of talking on the phone Arizona would return to the OR, running to 8,9, 10 at night. Several times a day their schedule would be interrupted by the pit. Sometimes it was a quick consult other times was even more surgery.
At between 8-10 she'd send the interns home, just because she was pulling all the hours possible didn't mean they should. After the last surgery she would grab a snack from whatever was left over from the canteen, a sandwich or pastry, recheck all her recovering patients then head to her office to chart. Normally between 2300 and 0100 she'd lie down on her pull-out couch and try to sleep ready to get up by 3am to repeat. At the weekend there was less OR time, she'd try to go back to sleep often lying in until 5am, one day had even been 7am!
The concern initially expressed by colleagues had long gone. Most were too busy with Alex or DeLuca to notice her working 100+ hours a week. She'd started wearing heavier make up to hide the dark bags under her eyes and was drinking coffee like it was going out of fashion.
10 weeks on from the attack, Alex was now back at work, Arizona had more hours free. A new Doctor had started Eliza taking over the teaching programme from Richard. Normally Arizona would have been attracted to the new doctor, now she couldn't think of sex or being intimate with anyone. She'd started taking sleeping tablets to accommodate her poor sleep and was now averaging 5-6 hours a night. The police had followed up the DNA was back, and not in their system, just knowing he was out there made Arizona not want to leave the hospital. She was still operating doing both Peds and Neonatal surgeries. Trying to pick us as many hours as possible to make the hours spent in her office less lonely.
12 weeks on post attack April had finally cornered her and dragged her outside. The fresh air burnt her lungs, the sun hurt her face, she'd only left a handful of times since her attack, and never to just sit outside. But April had insisted, away from prying ears, so they'd gone outside the hospital to the coffee cart before heading out to the benches in front of the hospital. For April it was normal, for Arizona it had been a huge step. Outside since the attack had only been something she had done briefly, going from the hospital to the car or the car to her house,
"Are you okay Arizona? I haven't seen you around much. It's almost like you've been avoiding me" April pressed. Arizona smiled, trying to reassure her friend, she had been avoiding her, and Bailey, knowing they were the ones who would push her to tell her the truth, they'd both been distracted but now, the distractions were less and they were becoming harder to avoid.
Arizona considered telling April the truth, April would understand, April would help, but April had a new-born baby, was sleep deprived, traumatised after the birth and struggling to deal with her ex-husband and his mother. Arizona just couldn't add anymore to her plate. She had driven Callie away suffocating her with problems, she couldn't do that with anyone else. Plus she was coping, she was sleeping more and doing increasingly difficult surgeries, why drag all that back up.
"I just miss Sofia and Callie, you've been on maternity, Alex was in jail. I just feel alone". She confided, a little voice telling her she should trust her friend. This was eaiser to admit to the loneliness.
"Arizona you're never alone," April had reassured as her pager went off, "Sorry 9-11 in the pit" April ran off leaving Arizona alone, the irony wasn't lost on her. Still, she was outside that was progress. Maybe she'd just sit, a sudden bout of nausea ruined that plan as she ran inside to vomit.
Something was wrong Arizona reflected, leaning against the toilet bowl, she never got sick without knowing before, had the rape been that brutal it had knocked that sense out of her?
Cancelling her afternoon surgery, she made her way outside and to her car. The first panic attack happened as she got inside the car, as she imagined footsteps behind her. Driving home she ran from the car inside her house. DeLuca had moved out a few days ago, choosing to live with his girlfriend. Arizona still wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. On the one hand she no longer lived with a man, on the other she didn't have the safety of having anyone live with her, which meant he could come back anytime. Picking up the post she sorted out her large pile. Nothing was exciting just bills.
Inside her room the nausea had passed but she felt tired, panic attacks had taken it out of her. Lying down on her bed she found herself drifting into and exhausted sleep.
Over the next months a new pattern emerged. At work she'd pick up 14–18-hour days before going to her office or home and collapsing, sleeping as much as the nightmares would allow her to. She was always on call, even when other surgeons were listed, the nurses always called her first knowing she was nearby. Arizona never complained, work kept her busy, kept her mind active.
She'd eat rarely still battling nausea, her stomach getting more and more bloated. Rational Arizona would put the symptom's together, traumatised Arizona wasn't letting her mind go there. Let her mind go to the obvious cause post sex of frequent nausea, no periods, and a swelling stomach. No, it had to be stress, there was no possible alternative.