"I have to say it." Jasper sighs and then finishes, "Bella, I think you are a bad influence on this family."
"Shut up, Jas," Bella replies with an annoyed tone.
"You could at least give me your attention while I'm talking to you," he replies while crossing his arms. She ignores him. "Seriously, you guys watch way more television than what is considered healthy. And it all started with little Bella here."
We all ignore him.
"Carlisle, really? You are going to watch this… this… crap." Jasper is still ranting while waving his hand at the TV.
Bella pauses the show, making Rose growl. "Jasper, the only reason you are down here bothering the crap out of us is because you were just upstairs on your computer. Most likely on Tumblr. Now you are horny and pissed that Alice is ignoring you when you just tried to get her attention away from the best show in the world." She un-pauses the show and goes back to watching it like nothing happened.
It's true. He has been trying to coax me away from the TV. How had I never heard of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding?Thank Gawd there is a marathon on today.
"Bella is right, Jasper. You should watch this. It's fascinating," Carlisle adds seriously. He really is fascinated.
"I'm not watching a show that demoralizes women. Especially one that centers around weddings. Super lame."
Jasper gets a pillow to the face courtesy of one Emmett Cullen. Huffing, he takes the pillow and sits down beside me.
Twenty minutes later he is asking all sorts of questions.
Forty minutes later he is as involved as the rest of us.
During a commercial Esme says, "What I find humorous is that this is on The Learning Channel. What are we really learning here?"
"We are leaning that we need to hire Thelma to design my wedding dress," Bella says seriously. Edward gasps next to her. This causes Bella and me to laugh hysterically. Rosalie kicks her when the commercial break ends, but she can't stop laughing.
"Doesn't Thelma's assistant look a lot like the singer Lykke Li?" I ask.
"She does," Bella gasps out while she tries to pull herself together.
"Shut up!" Rose shrieks.
"For Pete's sake, it's a rerun," Esme scolds.
Edward leans closer to Bella and whispers in her ear, "I would buy you any dress, hire any designer, if you just agree to marry me."
Edward has been hounding her about marriage for weeks now. I'm not going to lie. I have too. I want to be her wedding planner so bad. Like, so bad.
Bella sighs and turns so she can whisper in Edward's ear, "We are still in high school."
I scoff and then cough to cover myself. Emmett and Rose giggle.
Bella is always making excuses. I've tried to see her future, but she changes her mind so much it gives me a headache.
"Bella, we will always be in high school," Edward says.
This is fairly common. Little comments here and there. Edward leaving bridal magazines around the house. Bella throwing said magazines in the fire. Edward giving her ultimatums, like no sex until she says "I Do". Bella wearing nothing but underwear, causing Edward to temporally forget his ultimatum.
A scene from the show we're watching causes Bella to contemplate where she would want to go if she had a honeymoon. No, I'm not a mind reader now, but I'm getting glimpses of naked midnight swims and tropical plants.
Wait.
Honeymoon. That could be the key.
I can feel eyes on me and notice Edward staring right at me.
"Stop looking at me like that!" I screech mentally.
"Shut up and keep looking," he yells out loud. Bella gives him a weird look.
I roll my eyes but do what he says anyway. I want this almost as much as he does.
Ribbons.
Flowers.
Crepe Paper.
Centerpieces.
"Alice!" Edward huffs. Bella elbows him.
I scan for future scenarios, but they are gone. She's changed her mind again, but there is a high probability that she will ask Edward to take her on a vacation getaway.
Edward must start thinking about taking Bella to Isle Esme, because all kinds of future images start to flash through my head. Images I never, ever, wanted to see or wish to see again. Let's just say there is a lot of naked mixed in with copper counter tops and hand-carved mahogany bed frames. I'd recognize that bungalow anywhere, as well as Bella's white ass. What? We are girls. We change in front of each other.
I start thinking about Jasper to rid my mind of the painful imagery, when I hear Edward yell, "No!"
He pounces on me and starts to shake me a bit. I'm too shocked to retaliate. Within seconds, Jasper has thrown him off of me and I see (and hear) Bella hit him across the head. She must have picked up that habit from Rose.
"What is wrong with you?" Bella asks him.
I start laughing uncontrollably. The poor guy must have really liked what he saw, before I ruined it with my dirty Jasper thoughts. When I finally can breathe normally again, I smile wide at Bella.
Now she is looking at me weird.
"You are going to have such a fun honeymoon," I squeal happily.
"Wha- what?" she stutters.
"Your honeymoon. It's very… enjoyable," I simplify.
Now Bella is intrigued. "What does that mean exactly? Do I have to get married to have whatever future scenario Edward saw in your insane head that made him lose his mind and that also has caused you to be all," she waves her hands at me, "weirdly giddy?"
Esme claps her hands together and starts to make annoying happy sounds. Rose is even caught up in the excitement. She has paused the show and everything.
"Wait. Wait. Wait. I never said I would. I'm just asking!" Bella replies, while looking around the room. She's like a frightened deer right now. I need to calm her down. Edward is shaking his head at me, giving a menacing glare. I roll my eyes at him. I know how to play this. Bella is my beyotch.
I place my hands on her shoulders and look her in the eyes. "Bella, you trust me right?"
"No, not when it comes to a choice between my happiness and your chance to throw a party."
"What if I tell you that my happiness with planning your wedding only vaguely compares to yours while on this honeymoon?"
"Can't we just go there, without the wedding part?"
I shake my head. "It won't be the same. All those emotions that come from making you his wife will be missing. He'll be thinking about making you his wife, instead of making it with his wife. Trust me, Bella. He's going to be very attentive."
"Edward, take her to the meadow now," I tell him mentally.
Edward closes the distance between them and takes her hand. "Come on Bella. Let's go get some air. I don't want you to feel pressured."
"Nice!" I praise him mentally.
Esme is covering her mouth with her hands, afraid she will say something to cause Bella to panic. Like, "Congratulations! I'm so happy for you! Oh, my God this is so wonderful!" Something like that.
I throw myself back down in my chair as Bella turns back around to face me. She stops. Everyone stops. Then she walks back towards me.
"I do trust you," she says. "You are my best friend."
I want to cry.
"I want you to be my Maid of Honor. If I'm going to get married, I'm going to need you," she says in a soft voice.
Before I can stop myself, I say, "Matron of Honor."
"What?" she asks.
"I'm married already, so I would be your Matron of Honor."
"You're kidding me right now, right? I'm standing here opening up, and using feelings, and you are pointing out semantic?" She places her hands on her hips.
"I just wanted to clarify. If I'm going to take on this responsibly I would like you to use the right title."
"Oh, my God!" she yells.
I grab her in a hug before she can storm away. "Bella, you are my best friend. I'll always be your right hand man. I'll even be there to step in if I have to," I whisper near her ear.
"I don't think that last part will be necessary," she mumbles back.
"You don't know. And I look good in everything. Even a tux," I quip. She laughs a little.
"And I'd be honored to be your Matron of Honor."
"Oh! Kay," Rose blurts in, ruining the moment. Jealous hag.
Edward pulls Bella from my bear trap grasp of a hug. He is smiling so wide. His joy is making Jasper leak joy all over us.
Edward leads Bella from the house. He's planning on proposing… again. This time he knows she'll say yes.
I'm so happy for her I want to explode. Too happy!
"Jasper!" I yell, pushing him playfully away from me.
"I can't help it! Everyone needs to stop being so happy!" he laughs back.
"I can't stop smiling!" Esme squeals. Carlisle pulls her into a hug and kisses her on the head. Rose and Emmett give each other loving smiles.
"Enough, Jasper! I feel like we are on ecstasy," I giggle laugh.
Rose settles down first and grabs the remote. Everyone tries to contain themselves by watching TV again.
I only last four-point-three minutes until I jump out of my chair.
"Where are you going?" Jasper asks.
"I have a wedding to plan, bitches!" I scream while running up the stairs.
Thank you, Jessica. You've given me countless hours of pure frustration and misery.
Well, that is it folks. I'm sorry that this took way longer to post than it should have. I'm working on another story that I refuse to post until it's completed in its entirety. I never want to go weeks (months) between posts again.
You are all awesome.