Chapter 9:
"Maria! I know you hid her! Where is she?" the ferocious roar of my uncle echoed through the farmhouse.
I sat under my bed, hoping that he wouldn't find me. I couldn't be sure what he would do to me.
"Maria!" the voice was getting closer. His heavy, drunken footsteps falling hard on the stairs.
I clasped my hands together tightly and began to pray, "Dear God, please keep Johanna safe! Please make…."
BANG!
My bedroom door slammed open, interrupting my prayer, and tried to make myself as small as possible so he wouldn't see me. From beneath the bed, I could see his steel-toe capped work boots making a path in my cow skin rug.
"You stupid little girl! Get out from under the bed now!" he snarled.
Oh no!
He grabbed my ankle and dragged me from under the bed, I kicked and screamed but it did nothing. Nobody could help me now.
"Now you are going to tell me where my little bitch of a daughter is!" he said, sure of himself, whilst gripping my upper arms.
"I don't know where she is!" I spat at him.
He slapped me hard across the face and for the first time I felt the cool steel of his air riffle brush my arm.
"Please, please don't kill me, uncle" I begged holding my palm to my throbbing cheek.
"Please, don't kill me!"
"Please, don't kill me!" I felt a weight pin down my shoulders. I'm trapped.
I begged one last time "Please, please don't kill me".
I felt someone shaking my shoulder and my surroundings became clear. White walls, expensive paintings, oak dressers…villa von Trapp.
"Darling, I would never, ever hurt you, what's wrong?" the desperate cries of my husband pierced through the haze.
He still had a tight hold of my shoulders and I felt claustrophobic. Using all my strength I ripped myself out of his hold trying to escape.
"Get off me!" in his shock he let go of me so quickly that the momentum caused me to fall out of the bed.
My bed.
At the von Trapp Villa.
I was Baroness von Trapp, and that man was Captain Georg Johannes von Trapp.
We were deeply in love and had been married for 8 months this week.
This was the first time I had ever had a nightmare in our bed and now I would have to explain everything. I couldn't do it. Cautiously, Georg made his way around to my side of the bed where I had fallen, approaching me as though I was a wild animal. Maybe I was.
"Maria, sweetheart, please let me help you…I hate seeing you this way truly, dearest" he said, trying to swallow the lump in his throat, clearly struggling with seeing his wife in such pain.
I stared at him for a few long moments before breaking down into inconsolable sobs. The tears wouldn't stop, and I found myself running out of oxygen. I felt Georg come close to me and try to gather me in an embrace, but I couldn't stand it. I was a monster; I couldn't accept his love any longer.
"Darling, please, I love you so much, Maria!" he pleaded with me, but I just turned away.
Suddenly, we were interrupted by a soft knock on the door.
"Mother?" the sweet voice of Marta, wafted from under the door.
"Marta, your mother isn't feeling very well go and see Frau Schmidt" he said in a serious tone.
Gathering my strength, I brushed past him, giving him a glare as I went to open the bedroom door and lift Marta into my arms.
"What is the matter, little one?" I asked inhaling her scent with my head buried in her hair. Of all the children, I was closest to little Marta. She was so careful with whom she placed her heart and she always put a smile on my face.
Georg, still looking incredibly worried moved back towards the bed, "Maria, I'm sure Frau Schmidt can watch her…you need rest."
"Don't be ridiculous!", I snapped, walking us over to the bed, "She is my daughter, and I can look after her." I practically hissed with barely restrained anger. I was gripping her too tightly, as if I thought she would disappear. Just like Johanna.
I began to shake, my breath coming too fast, I felt the tears burning behind my eyes. I gripped Marta tighter. The room was spinning.
"Mother, you're hurting me!" Marta squeaked shyly trying to pry my hands off her waist.
"MARTA, YOU ARE FINE! NOW STOP CRYING" I screamed in her face, eyes flashing.
Upon looking into her angelic face, I realised what I had done. I truly was a monster. Placing her on the ground, I watched as she ran to her father afraid. Georg didn't look at me and I couldn't blame him.
I backed out of the room and ran away into the darkness.
ooo
Next thing I knew I was in the governess' room, sobbing huge, ugly sobs and shaking more than I ever had in my life.
"YOU KILLED HER, MARIA"
The voices in my head were screaming and there were shadows darting around the room.
"Did nobody teach you that cows were dangerous".
I walked to the balcony hoping to escape my memories. Poor Marta, my darling little girl. She did nothing wrong. At least now she knows the truth. Her mother is a monster.
"You don't deserve love".
"I KNOW! I KNOW! I DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING! I'M A MONSTER!" I yelled in the empty room before going on a rampage, destroying anything and everything in my sight. A crystal vase filled will Edelweiss, smashed against the wall. I pulled the curtains down off the curtain poles. Pulled all the drawers out of the dressers but still, I felt no relief.
With one last guttural, animalistic cry, I fell to the ground, hardly noticing the 8 faces in the doorway. I barely even heard the soft understanding voice of my husband saying "children, go and find Frau Schmidt." before he scooped me up of the floor and carrying me, exhausted and shaking, back to our bedroom.
ooo
"Maria, I suggest you start at the beginning and tell me everything? What is happening Darling?" he asked tenderly but firmly, after tucking me into our bed. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted but I knew I had to tell him. If I couldn't trust him, I couldn't trust anyone.
I looked at him, this darling man who I loved more than anyone in this world and grew teary at the thought of losing him forever.
"Georg, I don't want to lose you" I muttered almost silently, I looked down at my hands not wanting to see his sympathetic expression in this moment.
He cupped my face with both hands and tilted my head up to meet his eyes, "Maria August Franziska von Trapp, there is nothing on this earth that you could do that would make you lose me. I mean that with my whole heart." he promised, holding my right hand close to his heart.
Filled with a new resolve, I held his hand tightly, closed my eyes and began to tell him.
Tell him the story of how I murdered Johanna Berenice Rainer.
"Please, Uncle! Don't kill me please." I pleaded, tears falling from my eyes like rivers.
"Oh! I won't kill you, at least not until you find Johanna" he snarled, jabbing me in the back with his rifle, pushing me out of my bedroom and down the stairs.
I knew there was no longer anything I could do. If I was shot by my uncle, there would be nobody to protect Johanna when he found her and I couldn't let that happen.
Once, we got outside, the wind ripping around us, I walked in the direction of the cow shed.
"She's in there!" I said defeated. Looking at the ground, hating myself with every fibre of my being. I should have hidden her quicker. I shouldn't have given in, but I did. And when he shot his rifle up into the sky, I should have told Johanna to move before the cows were spooked into a stampede, but I stood frozen. Watching in horror as the cows stomped all around the pen, through the haystack and against the fence.
A minute must have gone by before I let out a scream and went to open the gate and let the cows out. The ran out onto the hill and I called for my uncle to help me find Johanna in the now scattered haystack.
I tried calling for her but no matter how loudly I screeched, I didn't hear her calling back. I prayed that she had found another hiding place, surely, she couldn't have been hurt. I was about to suggest we search the farm when I heard the clatter of metal on concrete. I turned to my uncle who was stood, pale as a ghost, gun fallen from his hand, pointing at a red shoe.
Johanna's shoe.
Which was connected to her leg, which was connected to her body, which was connected to her neck which was connected to her head.
Her small lifeless head.
Her beautiful face still as stone.
Huge brown eyes open and cold.
Dead.
I couldn't make a sound.
The air was knocked out of my lungs, and I began to back out of the barn, wanting to erase the picture from my mind. What had I done?
"You monster, you better run" came the tear-laced voice of my uncle.
And I did run, straight to the Abbey, and never returned home.
"Oh, Maria!" I opened my eyes to see Georg looking at me, a fearful expression on his face.
"See, I am a monster, I deserve to die" I wailed pushing my fists into my eyes. I didn't deserve to morn. This was all my fault.
"My darling girl, you are not a monster" Georg said, grabbing my hand in two of his own, tears streaming down his face.
"How can you say that? I killed my cousin, the sweetest girl I had ever known" I cried, searching his eyes for answered.
He looked at me with the steadiness of the rock of Gibraltar and softly said, "Maria, you were trying to protect her, my darling, you were only a child yourself."
It hit me like a sock to the stomach, I repeated in a whisper "I was only a child".
"You were only a child, Maria" he said again, and I collapsed onto him, sobbing my heart out.
For a few minutes he just let me cry, and cry, and cry. He did nothing but stroke my hair and gently hush me, like he was soothing a child. He didn't force me for answers. He just let me be. God, how I loved this man!
"Hush now! It's late and you need rest. Tomorrow is a new day" he said, tucking me in again. I laid down, drained before another thought hit me.
"My God, Marta! I was awful to her. She will never forgive me!" I cried again, ready to go and apologise straight away.
Georg place a reassuring hand on my shoulder, gently pushing me back onto the mattrass, "Maria, Marta loves you the most out of all the children and they all love you a great deal. You taught her about forgiveness, and I am sure she has already forgiven you." I made to argue but he gave me a look that made me realise it was futile to argue with him.
"Darling, I really think you should rest! You don't need to sleep, I will stay awake with you but please rest, my love."
I slowly nodded before turning off the lamp. Into the darkness, I whispered, "Georg, do you still love me?" terrified for the answer I remained facing away from him.
"My darling, I love you more now than I ever have before" with that I turned over and buried myself in his chest, only wanting to feel his love for the rest of the night.