A/N: Hey guys! It's finally the weekend! And...I still don't have much of a weekend. I'll be at a choir clinic thingy for the majority of the day and then tomorrow me and dear ol' dad are going leaf hunting. Then, my next 3 weekends are toast too. I have no idea when I'll be able to write! Life really annoys me sometimes.

So...moving on to better, happier things! New chapter, and one that I'm very anxious to know your reaction! This chapter only involves two characters...

Wanna guess which two? :D

Random Disclaimer: (I do not own Buffy).

Me: Guys?

...

Me: Guys? Hello?

...

Me: Okay, come on, seriously? I dedicate an entire chapter to you two and I don't even get an answer?

Giles: I suppose she has a point.

Angel: Yeah, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Eye of the Beholder Chapter 7

Angel stared broodingly at the blank sketchbook in front of him. It had been exactly six hours and twenty-three minutes since Buffy had left his apartment, and Angel had yet to think of anything else since.

Normally, he would have known exactly what to draw. He always knew exactly what moment he wanted to capture. Buffy had become the focus of his inspiration; the result being that he already had one sketchbook full of pictures of just her. Different moments that were special to him, moments that he wanted to freeze in time.

Sadly, he had no moment he wanted to capture lately. Their last two conversations had been arguments, and not the silly, pointless arguments that they had far too often. Two, full blown, serious arguments. It was a test of wills on both sides, and neither of them was willing to give.

Angel wanted to do what was best. Wasn't that right? Shouldn't he put her before himself? He'd tried, but Buffy wasn't listening…not that he'd really expected her to. She was so persistent. Persistent in the belief that everything would work out, that everything would be fine as long as they had each other. It was a sentiment that Angel wanted to put faith in, but he just couldn't make the leap.

What future did she have with him? None. What could he give her? Nothing.

Well, nothing except love.

Angel could promise her to love her forever and know that he would never break that promise. It was the only true promise he would ever be able to make. There was just so much more he wanted to give her. He wanted her to have a white picket fence and roses and kids—the whole nine yards.

Buffy said she didn't want all that, but Angel just couldn't believe it…or maybe he just didn't want to.

Maybe he didn't want to think that she loved him enough to give all that up. Maybe he didn't want to believe that for once, just being himself was enough. Maybe he just didn't want to believe that something good could actually happen to him, that he deserved something good to happen to him.

If Angel were a vindictive man he'd say that he did deserve some good in his existence. After everything that he'd done, all the guilt and remorse he'd suffered, the loneliness…he should probably feel as though he deserved this one hundred and fifty percent.

Except he didn't.

He was completely undeserving.

But it was Buffy…

Angel had long ago forgotten the mere concept of love. It was something he had gone without so long, and it was sad that he had been able to forget the feeling of love. Of being loved, of loving someone. Buffy had made him feel again. She made him feel human, she made him feel alive.

She was his everything.

Buffy was so sweet and pure and innocent, yet at the same time she was strong, intelligent, and fierce. She was Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and she was Buffy Summers. He loved them both. He loved her, completely and entirely.

Hadn't she said practically the same thing about him?

I want you. All of you. I love you. All of you. Every little facet that makes you who you are, I love. You don't have to give me the freakin' moon Angel! I just want you. You are enough.

He was enough.

But, why? Why? What had he ever done to deserve that kind of devotion? Angel doubted it was the hundred and fifty years of terror, or the ensuing hundred years of self-loathing. What had he done to deserve her?

All he'd done was love her…was that really all she wanted?

Angel hoped so, because that was all he could give.

But was it right? The question ran like a loop in his mind, and it was driving him insane.

Angel sighed and ran a frustrated hand through his hair. It always came back to him. Buffy was all in. Angel was the one deciding whether or not to fold. This was his problem. The entire situation was his problem. It was him who was pushing her away.

It was just that Angel couldn't let himself be happy. It just didn't seem right, especially after everything that had happened recently. After all, he'd barely been himself for twenty-four hours.

It hadn't been too long ago that he'd killed Jenny.

It hadn't been too long ago that he'd tortured Giles.

It hadn't been too long ago that he'd tried to end the world.

Victims faces popped into his mind randomly, and Angel closed his eyes, almost as if the action would make them go away. Even after all these years, he knew that closing his eyes wouldn't banish them from his mind…but he still tried every single time.

So many lives. So many…much more than Buffy knew. All of them young, for the most part anyway. Their lives cut short, by him. It was his fault. He'd ended their lives. Extinguished. Gone.

Dead.

Suddenly, the apartment felt stifling. The urge to escape the confines of the walls was overwhelming and Angel abruptly sprung off the bed, grabbed his jacket off the chair as he passed, and was out the door in no more than four strides.

Angel walked through Sunnydale, paying absolutely no attention to the people with whom he shared the little stretch of sidewalk. His only thought about the people around him was that they were so naïve, so happy in their own little lives. They didn't know that he could have killed them all. Yesterday he could have ended all their lives. They didn't know that one girl, one seemingly innocent girl, had saved them all.

His legs carried him to a cemetery, one that he and Buffy had patrolled often. There were many memories in this cemetery. Many memorable moments, and a particularly important one suddenly flashed to the forefront of his mind.

Listen. If we date, you and I both know that one thing's gonna lead to another.

One thing already has lead to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label?

I'm just trying to protect you. This could get out of control.

Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

This isn't some fairytale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.

No, when you kiss me I want to die.

Huh, they'd been right.

One thing had lead to another, and surprise! Angelus.

He was trying to protect her, but she wasn't listening as usual.

Things already had gotten out of control.

It was not the way things were supposed to be.

And it sure as hell wasn't a fairytale.

A soft sound drifting on the breeze caught Angel's attention, and he glanced to his right to see Giles standing in front of a grave. Angel knew instantly whose it was, and he was rocked by another wave of pure guilt and self-loathing.

He'd been planning on visiting Jenny's grave sometime. He planned to pay a visit to the graves of all his most recent victims for that matter, but he'd planned to visit Jenny's first. Angel debated whether or not to approach Giles or not. He only entertained the thought for a second before deciding that interrupting Giles' time was exactly the thing he didn't need to do.

So he waited.

Eventually, Giles seemed to finish and Angel slunk back into the shadows with a practiced ease, not disturbing anything around him. Angel waited until Giles was out of sight and then he slowly approached Jenny Calendar's grave.

Her tombstone was practical, mirroring her personality in life. The stone bore her name, the one that they'd known her by, Jenny Calendar. It had her birthday and the date on which he'd killed her.

Kill. It was such a potent word. Murder was the same, but it was a fancier word, all dressed up. Kill was simple. End a life. End someone's existence. Four letters. All it took was four letters to spell out kill. K-I-L-L. You'd think that for something so drastic, so evil, it would have more than four letters.

"I'm so sorry." Angel whispered as he remembered snapping her neck. It had been so easy. So easy to kill her. Something so evil was so easy.

A lone tear slide down his cheek, "I'm so, so sorry, Jenny."

"I wish I would have known what would happen," Angel said softly. "If I'd known…I swear I wouldn't have—we wouldn't have…" Angel sighed and closed his eyes, feeling a few more tears escape from his eyes. "I never wanted this to happen."

"And yet it did," Giles said from behind him, causing Angel to whirl around surprised. "You really shouldn't let your guard down so easily, Angelus," the Watcher advised. "What if I'd had a stake?"

"Except you do have a stake," Angel pointed out, knowing that the Watcher had a stake in his pocket, within a second of his reach if he needed it.

"Ah, but see, it's not in your heart," Giles retorted. "That's about as good as I can do."

Angel shrugged, but didn't reply.

"You'd let me kill you?" Giles questioned as he took in Angel's silence, raising his eyebrows in slight surprise.

"No," Angel answered softly, shaking his head. "But not because I'm selfish and I don't want to die—for good. It's just—it's the easy way out."

"You already live with so much guilt," Giles told him.

"What's a little bit more?" Angel asked rhetorically, his voice almost a whisper.

"You care," Giles observed. He'd never truly seen the weight of the guilt Angel carried. Angel was far too reserved to show his true feelings, well, at least to anyone except Buffy. Giles himself had rarely seen Angel display anything other than calm and the occasional flare of jealousy.

But this…Angel's current expression, it was total anguish. His guilt was palpable, the air seemed heavier around him. Giles was just waiting for the sky to open up and release a torrent of tears to accent Angel's expression.

"Yes," Angel answered, glancing at Jenny's grave. "I care."

They were both quiet for a moment before Angel turned towards Giles; however, the moment the Watcher saw Angel's expression, he raised up his hand.

"Don't," he said coldly. "Don't you dare apologize to me."

Angel just nodded in understanding.

"How are you able to stand next to me?" Angel wondered honestly.

"Buffy," Giles replied truthfully. "She still sees good in you."

"And you?"

"I honestly no longer know where Angelus ends and Angel begins," Giles answered as he stared at Angel, almost as if he were trying to separate them in his mind. "You share the same face. After months of seeing Angelus, it's hard to know who is who." Giles continued on, not bothering to care if Angel wanted to interrupt. "Buffy has the ability to see you and Angelus as two completely separate beings. Her love for you blinds her. Angelus is a part of what makes you who you are. You yourself have your own darkness that I don't think she sees."

Angel knew that Giles was right. Angel himself was capable of terrible things, soul and all. When he sunk into that darkness it wasn't pretty.

Giles considered Angel's silence, noting that the vampire was neither confirming nor denying his assertions.

"What about Buffy?" Angel asked quietly.

"I don't know," Giles replied. "Though I have been wondering what you two are going to do."

"She wants to stay together," Angel told him, though he figured that Giles already knew that.

"I know," Giles said, confirming Angel's suspicion. "Though," he continued slowly, his gaze hardening and Angel had never seen the Watcher's eyes hold so much venom. "If I had things my way, you would be dead, permanently, and Buffy would forget about you completely."

"What's stopping you?" Angel asked quietly.

"Because you're everything to her," Giles sighed. "You're all she thinks about—you make her happy. She loves you, even with everything that's happened, everything you've put her through—she can't stop loving you."

You're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to me.

Buffy's words rang in Angel's mind.

"I love her," Angel said softly. "More than she'll ever know." He looked at Giles, a small wry smile on his face. "I love her enough to leave her—that's what I tried to do this morning."

"You're still here."

"Yeah," Angel shook his head. "Buffy wasn't too thrilled. Apparently, we're not breaking up. We're just having a really big fight that we were about due for."

"Apparently."

"Apparently," Angel sighed and looked up at Giles. "I know I don't deserve her. I don't deserve happiness. I just…"

"Love her," Giles finished for him, nodding. "I know the feeling," he added softly.

"I wish we'd known," Angel whispered.

"As do I."

This chapter was so much fun to write. I've never written those two together before, just them and no one else. It was awesome! Ya like?

Lots of love,

ArthursCamelot