Chapter 8

Currant Branch

~.o.~

"We were made to love and be loved."

~ EndlessDaydreaming

~.o.~

September 20, 1978

"I killed my own sister."

Hermione tensed. She didn't expect that. She expected him to push her away, shout at her, or glare at her, maybe, but not this. Not a confession that utterly surpised her. She never even knew he had a sister! And his confession of killing her..

Severus took her speechlessness with a little more hurt than he'd like to admit to himself. Giving out a little 'hmph' as if he were saying 'I thought so,' he stepped away from Hermione's loose embrace and leaned by the window sill, successfully putting some distance between the two of them. He set his dark eyes on her, watching her process her thoughts.

Her warm, chocolate eyes were wide in shock, her pink lips slightly apart, and her brows crinkled in confusion. Her hands dangled by her sides like dead weight, her brown curls framing her face delicately. Severus knew the concentration she had was because she was trying to put the puzzle pieces together.

You never should have said anything, he scolded himself. It was a "moment of weakness" thing - a mistake.

He had already made far too many mistakes concerning this witch in front of him. For one, he never should have let her stay in this room, or even be so careless as to allow her to follow him to his sanctuary. He never should have talked to her, or soothed his curiosity towards her. He never should have let his guard down and allow himself to get used to her company.

Because he had. Gotten used to her company, that is.

Every lunch time, he expected her to come in, a lunch tray in hand. And the next day, once he came back to the room, he knew the tray would be gone, indicating that she came during the evening to take it away. He was used to it now, even if it had only been a few days. He was used to the fact that every lunch time, he wouldn't be alone, because she would always come in to sit and read with him.

And that was his biggest mistake: getting used to her presence.

It was decided, then. He would stop this whole mess before it even got any bigger. While he could still undo the slip of his tongue, and while he was still able to take a step back from her, he would do so.

"Are you afraid of me now? Do you understand who I am? What kind of person I am?" he said to her, draining his whole being of any emotion.

Hermione swallowed, trying to find her voice. She looked at him, his arms crossed over his chest, his long black hair, dark eyes, and scowl making him look menancing.

But she knew.

She had seen him vulnerable just a few minutes ago, had seen how much weight was on his shoulders. Yet, he stood regally, always strong and undaunting, never letting anyone see how much the burden he was carrying was killing him inside. It was eating him up slowly, whatever it was. Maybe it was guilt, for "killing his sister," as he said, but either way, it was too much for him to deal with on his own.

As she looked at the man in front of her, a man who tried so hard to be strong, who held so much hurt and bitterness and anger in himself, she couldn't help but want to step closer to him.

She always had been a sucker for lost causes.

"Severus, I know-"

And that's when Severus lost it.

"Stop! Just...stop! Don't assume that you know everything, because you don't! You don't know a single thing, so don't pretend to be such a know-it-all swot!" he spat at her.

He was fed up. Why couldn't she just leave? Why did she have to make this so difficult for him? He wanted to be alone. Didn't she understand that?

"Perhaps this is why you transferred here to Hogwarts," he added. "No one liked you and your swotty little attitude, bossing people around and meddling in their lives. You were probably never truly loved, just for your brains – because that's all your good at, is it not? Studying and putting on a show by lugging around thick books? You probably only ever study because that's the only time people actually approach you – when it has something to do with homework.

"I see how no one ever really approaches you unless they need you to do their homework, how your hand shoots up every time a professor asks a question, and how your eyes would light up when you get commended. That's all you want, isn't it? Attention? Love from your professors? Because I am positively sure you don't get any from the people around you."

Hermione couldn't say anything. She was too surprised to do so. She simply stared at him stupidly, her heart thumping against her chest wildly.

"So it seems you're silent because I'm correct," Severus mused.

He could see the hurt in her eyes, and knew he hit a soft and sensitive spot. He knew there was more to Hermione Granger than she let on – after all, he knew that there was no one in the world who had no problems, no one in the world who had no secrets or weaknesses.

That's why Hermione Granger had her own darkness, her own weakness. And now that Severus had seemed to guess it correctly (he'd been trying to figure it out since he first met her), he knew what it was.

"That's the only reason why you want to help me," he continued slowly, walking away from his spot and closer to her, just so that he could glare at her. "Because you think I need you. When in fact, you need me; this man in front of you who you seem to view as pitiful, is precisely what you need to make yourself feel needed, and loved, and make yourself feel that you're worth something.

He stepped even closer, his dark eyes accusing. His eyes wandered to the table and he saw a fruit that caught his eye among the food Hermione brought him.

"Ironic how you brought me currants. Do you know what the branches of the currants mean? 'You please all'. And that is exactly what you try so hard to do. You please everyone around you just so that they'll love you.

"After all, that's all you ever think about, is it not? Yourself? You came here, to me, not to help me, but yourself," he said to her in a low, dangerous tone.

"And that is why you disgust me."

With that, Hermione stumbled backward, accidentally stepping on Crookshank's tale. The cat gave a loud, piercing shriek and dashed away. Hermione didn't seem to notice the cat, and instead turned around to run out of the room.

She needed to get away.

She needed to get far, far away from the truth.

It had only been a few minutes since Ancient Runes started, and already Remus was on the verge of falling asleep. He wished he hadn't taken the subject, now. But at the same time, he was happy that Runes was the only subject he had different from James and Sirius – that meant he could delay seeing Sirius until tonight. After their little...encounter earlier, he didn't think he could see Sirius without giving him a black eye.

Because really, that git deserved it.

And he had the gall to lie to a werewolf? Especially three days before the full moon?

He watched the Runes Professor drone on about some ancient sign for peace and whatnot, when he smelled a familiar scent of vanilla and roses.

About time, you're late, he thought to himself as if he was speaking to her.

As if on cue, Hermione entered the classroom, mumbling an apology to the Runes professor, and quickly made her way to sit beside Remus.

The Runes professor didn't even bat an eye. He was probably used to late students coming in and students falling asleep, since practically half of the class had their heads on their desks.

Remus sensed there was something wrong, though. Hermione seemed a bit..distant, and she was chewing on her bottom lip so hard that she might bite it right off. Her eyes seemed glazed, and her brows were knit.

He laid a comforting hand on hers, which rested on her lap below the desk. He gave it a reassuring squeeze, smiling at her faintly and sending her a silent message: "We'll talk later."

Classes seemed to go by in a blur, and Hermione found herself sitting in the prefect's lounge with Remus. Being one of the prefects (the other one was some Hufflepuff girl who already went to sleep), Remus took Hermione here so that they could talk privately. He knew something was wrong, and he wanted to help. After all, Hermione had been helping him for a number of times now.

He sat in one of the sofas, Hermione beside him. He watched the embers crackle in the fireplace that sat in front of them as he waited for her to gather her thoughts.

Hermione, meanwhile, didn't know where to start. She didn't even know what to say. It's been hours since her 'talk' with Severus, and yet she was still in a state of shock. She couldn't come into terms with what Severus had said...

...because they were true.

But Remus being beside her, simply sitting and waiting for her to share her burdens patiently, made her feel comfortable. Her chest felt heavy, and Remus was a good friend to her right now – she wanted to unload.

"I'm a terrible person," she said softly, her eyes drawn to the dancing embers of the fireplace.

Remus, startled a bit by her sudden statement, blinked at her. "Of course you're not," he said.

"I am, I- I.." she stammered, drawing her legs up as she wrapped her arms around them. She rested her chin on her knees and took a deep breath. "I grew up in a normal Muggle family."

Not quite sure where this story was going, Remus nodded, telling her to go on.

"I had normal Muggle parents. I was – am – an only child. My parents were..rarely home, because they were dentists, tooth doctors, and they spent a lot of time in their work. All throughout my childhood, my parents had always set this high standard that I had to reach. They told me tales of how they were at the top of their classes during their years of studying, and how I should make them proud by being the top of mine.

"I..I wanted to please them. I studied hard. Very hard. But I never seem to be able to reach the standards they've set. Once I get a high grade, they'd expect me to get higher, and higher, and so on. I never got a pat on the back, or a job well done, or any of that sort. Just more expectations. They weren't bad parents – they never hit me, and they provided for me and I think they did their best to raise me, but I just..never felt loved. Maybe it was from all the pressure - I don't really know.

"My...hard work in my studies left me little time to make friends. I had a few, but none of them were close to me. They were the kinds who drifted in and out of your life, the ones who didn't seem to really care. I..got made fun of a lot, because of my looks. My teeth, my hair..and all those other things. People would approach me for help with school work very often, and I reazlied that the only time people liked me was when I could help them with their studies.

"And so, petty as it may seem, I studied hard. For both my parents, and so that people would accept me, and I'd feel that I was actually worth something to this world. I hated disappointing people, and I always wanted to help anyone I could, just so that I'd be loved, and I'd feel loved.

"And..and..I'm selfish, and disgusting, for ever being and thinking like that. A..a friend..whom I wanted to help - he saw right through me. And..at first I didn't think of it that way; that I was helping people just so I'd be loved. But then he told me that that was how I was, and I realized it was true, and..and.." her tears started to choke her, and she tightened her arms and buried her face on her knees.

Remus's heart broke for her. The girl was too nice; personally, he didn't find anything wrong with wanting people to love you. Everyone wanted that. There was nothing wrong with trying to find a way to not be lonely.

He scooted closer to her, and wrapped an arm around her softly sobbing form. He rubbed her arm slowly, comfortingly.

"Hermione, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be loved. Everyone wants to be loved," he told her softly.

"But-But- I use people, f-for my..my personal gain," she stammered, sniffling.

Remus rested his cheek on her head, drawing her closer into a hug. "I think that when it comes to love, everyone gets selfish. Everyone wants to have it, after all. We were made to love and be loved. So there's nothing wrong with helping people because you want to be loved. By offering your love first, it's only natural for people to expect people to give love back - though that doesn't always happen. But personally, I think it's great that you want to give your love first, and help people out, rather than just sit, do nothing, and receive love from people; that you give first before you take.

"I think you've been giving all your life, and it's only right that you would want to take sometimes. So go ahead; I think that when it comes to you, it's alright to be selfish sometimes."

"But my friend-"

"If your friend was intelligent enough to deduce your so-called 'want of love and attention' on his own, then I think he's intelligent enough to find out sooner or later that there's really nothing wrong with that. Maybe he just has to hear what you told me now, or get to know you more."

"But..but I think he hates me now."

"Oh, I doubt that."

"How can you say so?"

"Because no one can hate you."

"A lot of people do."

"Then bollocks to them."

Hermione burst out laughing.

"What?" Remus whined playfully.

"Was that supposed to be a curse word?" Hermione giggled.

"Yes," Remus defended in a dignified manner. "If you don't like it, what would you suggest?" He grinned.

"Oh, I don't know," Hermione said, waving a hand absent-mindedly. "'Screw them?'"

Remus restrained a laugh. "Where did you get that phrase? 'Screw them'?"

Hermione shrugged. "In my old school."

Remus laughed. "Well, I think it sounds better than 'bollocks'. Screw them, then!"

Hermione laughed, her tears turning into tears of joy.

Sirius sat by one of the arm chairs at the far end of the room. His jaw was set, his eyes were narrowed, and his fists were clenched.

The sight before him sickened him:

Hermione Granger and Remus Lupin, laughing in each other's arms.

He didn't know why he was having such a bad feeling about the both of them. Remus had a lot of girls that were close friends, some of them being close enough to be a girlfriend, and that had never bothered Sirius. But Hermione Granger..

Holding on the invisibility cloak so that it didn't slip off, he silently watched them as they talked. He had been here before both of them entered, and he had heard their entire conversation.

If Remus had accepted her and her 'selfishness', then..that would mean he would accept mine..wouldn't he? Sirius thought.

He sighed and sank into the chair.

So much for wanting to surprise and apologize to Remus tonight.

It was well past midnight and Severus couldn't sleep. The look in Hermione Granger's eyes as she backed away from him and ran out of the room kept playing on his mind.

She was afraid.

But there was something off about it. It was different from the looks of terror that he often got from other people. Instead, it mirrored the look he saw in his own eyes whenever he stared into the mirror. It almost seemed as if Hermione Granger had been..

.afraid of herself.

Her eyes resembled those of his when he first realized he killed his sister.

When he called Lily a Mudblood.

When he stared at the Dark Mark in his arm for the first time.

It was the eyes of someone who just realized something awful about themselves.

But if that were the case, then that would mean that she didn't know about her..insecurity problem, and want of love and attention; that she really didn't know and just realized it when Severus had told her.

Then that would mean..

She didn't use me. She wanted to help me.

A/N: To celebrate my return, double update this week!

I apologize if this chapter was a bit too heavy. Just had to get that off my chest. My sentiments in a nutshell, really.

I promise the action starts next chapter, enough with the chatter and talking. :)) Though I have school tomorrow, (It's Sunday 11pm right now for me) so I most probably will update next Saturday.

Send me some love, (review button over there) because I'm going to need it for this week. Xxx