Jakarie: I'm sure if we ever met in real life we would be good friends after we got past the awkwardness. Jk; I'm real easy to get along with

I'm not really good at this, but I'm gonna try and explain my feelings to you.

Tori's my girlfriend - well that's pretty much obvious, but I got together with her pretty much the same way I did with Beck. Without telling you anything and leaving you in the dark. I want to say that I'm sorry for that, sorry for all the years that I blew you off, turned you down for whoever I was dating at the time. We were the best of friends and I ruined it all. I was the one who kissed you first; I was the one who said I loved you then turned around and dated someone else. Now that my time with Beck has passed it's harder to understand why I got together with him in the first place. Now when I think about it, it sounds cold-hearted and selfish. We were lying in bed one night without our clothes, limbs intertwined. I remember the feel of your skin, the silk of your hair, the smell of you so close to me, chocolate eyes closed as you slept.

But wasn't it wrong? And my father always told me to think of my career. The world didn't take too kindly to same sex couples back then. I tried to reverse my feelings for you; dated the first boy who asked me out because I thought that since I'd developed feelings for you over time I could do the same with someone else. He loved me and I was too guilty to admit that he was just part of my selfish scheme. I failed miserably. Sure, Beck was deeply in love with me, but I still had feelings for you. My father approved greatly of Beck; smart, good-looking and had the potential to make money. My heart cries your name when you walk past me alone and I find myself envisioning myself beside you again, just like we used to be all the time.

I spent two years of my life trying to push you out of my head and heart. Of course the twisted part of me convinced my mind that maybe Beck didn't do the trick because he was a guy. Our first kiss was no mistake; I know. You were the only person who stuck beside me as I grew into the ice queen. You stayed the same and I turned cold. I don't know what's happened to you. At first when I started dating Beck you were still that smart, sweet girl that everyone tried to make friends with and impress. Now your sentences don't even make sense and people don't give you second glance except when you perform. You drift off to somewhere where no one can find you and I can only sit and watch because if I do any more then people will get suspicious. When you're onstage everyone perks up in their seats, listens harder. They see you, who you really are though the notes of the music, the rise of your voice and the expressions in your eyes. They know that you're still there, Cat. Just like I know. I know you better than anyone else in this school and I can see through your facade just like you've always seen through mine, pretending to be the tough girl.

You're the stronger of us; you've always been. You never care what anyone thinks of you, I have to shove it to the back of my mind to contemplate later, to see the mistakes that someone else saw and try to correct them. You're fearless and beautiful and I'm just a fake; a wolf that growls at you with its lips closed so you can't see that all its teeth have been knocked out. But we have something in common too. People used to embrace the both of us. Now our classmates cower in fear when they see me and they dismiss you without a second thought. We're both rejects now, even though some people view us at certain points on the high school food chain.

You know how Tori is, Miss 'Make It Shine'. Everyone admires her, whether they like it or not, whether they admit it or not. Despite the times she messes up, the people who judge her take it back later and simply let it be and label her as perfection. I wanted to be like that too. I wanted people to quit judging me so I didn't have to care what they thought like you, I wanted to simply have fun on the stage without seeming intimidating.

I wanted to be like you, but I thought I had to learn from Tori.

I've made up excuses to come crying to her doorstep at night, to see how she handles herself, wanting to know how it all came so easily to her. I had to learn, I had to be perfect. I needed to know what drew everyone into her, even though she didn't really draw me in. You did and you're all that matters. Even now, when I'm playing the same game with Tori that I did with Beck. I at least gained the courage to admit to the whole school that I'm not into guys. Maybe that's all that Tori can do for me. Maybe she can only go so far with her 'perfection'. At least you have passion when you sing; at least you don't dance onstage with a false spring in your step.

You're a point of purity in this pond of filth that we call our high school; you're just hidden underneath a veil. You're the spark that starts the fire, the sun in the dark sky.

I wish you could see that I'm not worth it, but for what it is worth...I love you too, Cat. And you're right; maybe it is time to tell Tori the truth.

Love forever,

Jade

Unfortunately, this isn't as good as the first because I didn't have the luxury of time or peace while I was typing this