Chapter Seventeen: One Way Out
Tugging his t-shirt away from his throat as he felt it clenching up, Greg leant back on his heels, feeling a sudden rush of heat burning through his chest. He tried to steady his hand to pick up the fibre in front of him, but the harder he tried, the worse the shaking got. Before he knew it, he was sweating, shaking and panting heavily, while anxiously looking around the alleyway he was processing.
Stopping what he was doing, Greg's gloved hands moved to his throat, tugging away at the collar of his t-shirt. He felt as though he was being suffocated, but there wasn't anything around his throat, preventing him from breathing.
His breathing started to whistle through his teeth, becoming quicker, shorter breaths, the more he tried to calm himself down.
The anxious man struggled to his feet, wanting to get out of the eerie looking alleyway. He turned towards the Denali at the end, seeing black blotches in front of his eyes, blurring his vision from the safety of his truck in front of him.
"You done processing already?" He heard a voice calling out to him. "Whoa Greggo," The man climbed to his feet, quickly snapping his gloves off, as he saw the familiar signs. "C'mere." He directed him to the pavement, sitting him down on the curb. "Relax Greg, I'm here. Breathe deeply." He started instructing him, remembering how he had helped him back at the hospital.
"I... I can't." Greg shook his head, feeling it coming on worse than the others.
"Yes you can." Warrick spoke softly, holding Greg's hands in his own. "I'm here. I'm not gonna leave you. Now breathe deeply . . . slower . . . that's it . . . breathe deeply." He looked towards the deputy beside them, shaking his head towards him, as he saw him reaching for his radio. "He's okay. I can handle this." He assured him, knowing Greg wouldn't want him to call for help. "C'mon Greg . . . breathe deeply . . . breathe deeply," He spoke softly, keeping the younger man calm. "That's it. See, you're alright."
Greg shook his head, letting another long breath out. "I'm not alright. I can't do this anymore."
"Do what?" He looked up into his eyes, seeing tears in them.
"This..." He indicated towards the alley, dropping his head into his hands. "I'm pathetic . . . It's getting worse . . . if I have to take medication . . . they're gonna question my ability to do this job. This is all I've ever wanted to do . . . and I can't even do it anymore."
"Keep breathing deeply." Warrick instructed, seeing how shaky he was. "Greg, you're great at your job. From what I know, they don't always have to medicate. There's different kinds of treatments. This fear is all in your head. Your brains gone through some sort of trauma, and it's doing this to you now to protect itself, but there's no danger."
"My heart . . . feels like . . ."
"That nurse... Zoe said that was normal." Warrick assured him, remembering her telling them that people often mistook panic attacks as heart attacks. "You're gonna be alright, Greg. You just have to keep calm. Look, there's no danger here."
"Easy . . . for you to say." He panted.
"Maybe you should get some professional help, Greggo. Zoe told you that this won't go away on its own, and like you said, it's getting worse."
"Like what . . . I check myself into a clinic or something?" Greg looked up as he heard a car, quickly wiping away the tears from his cheeks, so he could see it more clearly.
Warrick looked round to see what the younger man had seen, spotting Nick's truck pulling up behind the Denali. "You haven't told him?" He assumed, looking back at Greg. "Why not?"
"With everything going on in that man's life . . . do you really think he needs my problems added to that list?" Greg gave his eyes another wipe, trying to stop his hands from shaking, before Nick saw him in this state.
"You're panicking even more now." Warrick stopped him from climbing to his feet, keeping him sat on the curb. "You want me to go talk to him?" Greg quickly shook his head; doing everything he could to stop his panic attack. "So now you're gonna lie to Nick too?"
"Shut up, Warrick! Some lies are there to protect people." He snapped, feeling his lower lip starting to quiver, watching Nick climbing out of his truck. "It's too late . . . he's gonna know . . . just by looking at me."
"Hey, breathe deeply. Concentrate on yah breathing, not Nick." Warrick warned him, before he turned to look at Nick.
The man was now out of his truck, retrieving his kit from the back. He stopped to check that he had everything inside, before he locked up his truck, pulling on a baseball cap as he made his way towards the crime tape.
Warrick turned his attention back to Greg as he saw him jump at the sound of a car horn, wishing there was something he could do for him. "You're gonna have to tell him, Greg." He warned him, before turning to greet Nick as he got closer to them. "Hey, Nicky. What are you doing here? I thought you were in court?"
"I was. When I got back to the lab, Grissom sent me here to help out you guys." He gave Warrick a curious look, hearing whistled breathing coming from behind him.
Glancing round Warrick, he immediately saw Greg sat on the curb, with his shoulders hunched together, looking very vulnerable. The younger man was tugging at the material of his t-shirt around his neck, trying to control his breathing, but failing miserably.
"Greg?" Taking a step around Warrick, he set his kit on the floor, kneeling down in front of the younger man. He didn't even have to ask what was wrong, he immediately recognised the signs. "Can you get him some water?" Nick looked round at Warrick, making sure he heard him, before he turned his attention back to Greg. "Hey, I'm here, Greg." He slid his hands into the younger man's, stopping him from stretching his t-shirt anymore. "Shh, you're okay. Just breathe deeply. Look at me, baby." He gave him a smile as Greg made eye contact with him, assuring him he was okay. "Slowly, G. You're gonna be okay."
"Here." Warrick returned with a bottle of water, taking a seat the other side of Greg.
"Don't watch me." Greg scowled round at him, before turning his attention back to Nick. "I hate it when people stare at me like that."
"I wasn't staring." Warrick assured him, looking at Nick instead. "I told you he wouldn't overreact, Greg." The younger man immediately glared at him for saying that out loud, wishing for once that he could keep things to himself.
"Who?" Nick looked between them confused.
"Greggo here was worried..."
"Shut up!" Greg snapped, pulling his hands away from Nick. "I'm not some victim. Don't talk about me like I'm not here."
"We know that, Greg." Nick spoke softly, sitting him down again. "Rick, can you give us a sec?"
"Sure." Warrick climbed to his feet, leaving the two of them alone. He didn't like being excluded after helping out Greg so much while Nick was gone, but he understood their reasons, leaving them to it.
"You alright?" Nick gently brushed his fingers through Greg's hair, looking up into his vulnerable eyes. "Do you want me to drive you home?"
"No . . . I'll be alright." He inhaled a deep cleansing breath. "I'm sorry."
"I'm startin' to get really sick of people apologisin' to me all the time." He turned to take a seat beside Greg, slipping one of his hands into Greg's. "It's not your fault, Greg. You didn't do anythin' wrong." He assured him. "Speakin' of, you haven't had one of them in a while."
"I did . . . I just . . . I didn't tell you." He explained, leaning against Nick's side. "Don't be mad, I just didn't want to burden you with any more of my problems."
"Greg," Nick snaked his arm round his shoulders. "How many more times do I have to tell you? I adore you. You're part of my life too, and you're important to me. You shouldn't have to hide anythin' from me. Especially this."
"I'm..." Greg stopped himself from saying sorry, giving Nick a smile instead. "We should get back to work."
"Hey, you're not gettin' out of it that easy." Nick warned him, resting their heads together. "Come over mine after work. We need to talk about this. Take a break for a sec." He handed him the bottle of water, before he playfully ruffled his hand through his hair, as he couldn't kiss him on a crime scene. "I'll do the alley. You stay here. Take as much time as you need." He collected his kit from in front of them, giving Greg one of his warm hearted smiles.
After another few hours of processing their crime scene, they returned to the lab, dropping off their evidence at the different labs to be processed. Greg left the others to it, taking a time out in the locker room, looking at the old photos in his locker. His favourite one was of the whole team, the day he was promoted to a field CSI. He wished that he could have displayed some photos of him and Nick in his locker, instead of hiding them away in his apartment, but it didn't seem right now that they weren't dating.
"Hey, Greg." Mandy called from the door, not wanting to disturb him in his moment of thought, but her supervisor had told her to present her findings to Greg. "I got some prints for you. Your guy is in the database. He did some time for assault a few years ago. Looks like he's back to his old tricks."
"Thanks." He smiled towards her.
"You know Greg, if you don't mind me saying," She took a few more steps into the room. "I think that you're better off with Nick. I never liked Molly, since the day she came here. There was always something weird about her. I never thought that she'd resort to blackmail to get what she wanted."
"You heard?" He looked up at her surprised.
"Yeah." She nodded slightly. "Warrick... he mentioned it. I heard Molly just handed in her notice."
"She's leaving?" Greg climbed to his feet. "Where is she?" Mandy responded with a shrug, taking a step back as Greg hurried past her. He searched the lab for her, before he stopped by the front desk, waiting for the receptionist to finish her phone call, before he asked, "Judy, have you seen, Molly?"
"She just left. Good riddens to her too."
Greg pushed past a waiting visitor, slipping into the elevator, just as the doors were closing. He didn't know why he was so eager to find her after what she did to him, but he still didn't know if she really was pregnant with his baby or not.
"Molly!" He caught her just climbing into her car. "Where are you going?"
"Back home, to live with my folks. They're gonna help me with this pregnancy." She dropped her coat onto her seat, giving Greg a curious look. "Why do you care? I thought you'd be glad to be finally shot of me."
"So you are pregnant?"
"Would you like me to pee on a stick for you? Or maybe I can pee into a cup so you can go test in your lab?"
"Why did you do this to me? Was it because I was nice to you?" He asked her, stuffing his hands into his pockets so they wouldn't shake. "You know, I might have married the old Molly, the one before all this."
"Really?" She looked at him surprised.
"Maybe." He shrugged. "I liked you... then. Nick I can forgive, because he never actually meant to hurt me. He was trying to do what was best for everyone involved, while you've only been thinking of yourself. Nick would never drug me or get me sent to jail to get what he wanted." He pointed out to her.
"I didn't give my baby up." She suddenly blurted, looking into Greg's eyes. "Remember I told you that I was pregnant before, when I was teenager? Well, I didn't give her up... of my own free will. My parents did throw me out the door when they found out, but after I had the baby, my mother said I could come back . . . if I did one thing. I chose to move back in with them over my own baby. I haven't seen her since the day she was born. She's seventeen now. I don't even know her name or what she looks like..."
"Do you have to turn everything into a sob story?" Warrick appeared behind Greg, with his arms folded across her chest. "Just let her go, Greg. I thought you'd be glad to finally be rid of her."
Molly rolled her eyes, pulling her car door open. "I'm keeping this one, and my parents are excited to finally become grandparents. If you really wonna fight me for custody, their number is listed." She pointed out to Greg, before she climbed into her car.
Greg watched her car leaving, slowly turning to look at Warrick behind him. "Don't say anything."
"I didn't say anything." Warrick defended himself, holding up his hands to him.
"Yeah, but I know what you're going to say. So, don't." He warned him, walking back towards the elevator.
"Greg, I'm glad I found you. I needed to talk to you, about you getting help." Warrick met him at the elevator, looking the younger man in the eye. "Nick cares about you too much to give you this kind of advice. That nurse back at the hospital said it would only get worse if you ignored it, and it is." He pulled a flyer from his jacket pocket that he had picked up from the department shrink, handing it over to Greg.
"Inpatient psychiatric care?" He read it, immediately shaking his head. "No. There's no way I'll ever get my job back after being in there."
"You wouldn't have to go for the inpatient care thing, they do outpatient care too. There's support groups and things on this stuff too."
"Sitting in a circle talking about my feelings? That's hardly gonna help." Greg stepped into the elevator, leaning back against the wall. He watched Warrick pushing the button for the lab floor, before he asked, "Did Mandy see you about those prints yet?"
"Yeah."
"What about Nicky, did he tell you that Bobby D identified one of the bullets from our crime scene to a robbery a few months ago?"
"Yeah, he told me already. Greggo, stop avoiding the subject. I'm trying to help you here. The longer you leave this, the worse it's gonna get. Then the only thing that can help you will be the inpatient care thing. And it probably won't be voluntary." He looked up as the elevator doors opened, watching Nick walking by, wondering if he would be able to convince him better than him.
"Don't even think about it, or Nick's gonna find out about your little crush." Greg threatened him, seeing the look on his face. "You think Doc Robbins has our autopsy results yet?"
"Now you're blackmailing me?" Warrick followed Greg through the halls, rolling his eyes at the younger man. "I can't believe you. You were just blackmailed yourself, almost being forced to marry that witch..."
"This isn't the same. Nick's been through so much already. I don't want to be a burden in his life. And it's not your place to tell. It's mine." Greg pointed out to him, stopping by the locker room again. "And I'd never tell Nick that you have a crush on him. I actually care about my friends."
"So do I, and I'm worried about you. If you won't listen to me, maybe you'll listen to Nick."
"I don't have to listen to either of you, it's my life." Greg grabbed his jacket from his locker, stuffing the pictures from his locker door into his pocket. He handed Warrick back the flyer he had given him, before he slipped past him in the direction of Grissom's office.
"Where are you going?"
"There's something I gotta do." The younger man made his decision, knocking on his supervisor's door. "Hey Grissom, you got a minute?"
"Sure Greg, c'mon in." Grissom removed his glasses, sorting out some of the paperwork cluttering his desk. "What's on your mind?"
Unlocking his front door, Nick greeted his guest with a smile, ushering him into the house. "I wondered where you went after shift. Ya'ight?"
"Uh huh, I'm okay." Greg stepped into the house, looking at the baby girl in Nick's arms. "When are Bradley and Samantha flying over?"
"Eh... later. I think the flight comes in a nine o' clock tonight." He checked his watch. "Tayla's still sleepin'. I was just about to wake her up; she has school in an hour. Her Uncle Tony is comin' by to take her." Nick set Willa down in the highchair he had set up in the kitchen, carefully strapping her in, before he made his way over to the fridge to grab the milk. "Did you want anythin'?"
"No, I'm good." Greg shook his head, taking a seat at the counter. "How is Willa doing now?" He queried, watching the little girl sucking her fingers into her mouth in front of him.
"I found out yesterday that it's affected her hearin'." He set down a child's cereal bowl on the side, grabbing a box of Cap'n Crunch cereals from his cupboard. "She's not completely deaf. Apparently there's different stages. She's gonna need hearin' aids to help her, so she can hear the same as us. She can learn sign language to help, but the doctor said that she would be able to talk and hear people, with her hearin' aids in. Of course, they won't know the full damage until she's a little older."
"That's something then." Greg smiled as he watched Nick preparing breakfast for three people. "And with the best Daddy in the world, she's gonna be fine."
"I'm hardly the best Daddy."
"Best Daddy these kids are ever gonna get." The younger man assured him, giving him a wide smile. "You're doing a really great job with them, Nicky."
"Thank you. I'll be right back." Nick slipped past Greg and Willa, hurrying down the hall to his daughter's bedroom. "C'mon sweetie, it's time to wake up." He gently shook her awake, pulling back her covers, so he could lift her out of bed. "You've got school today."
Tayla sleepily adjusted herself against her father's shoulder, trying to pry her eyes open as he carried her through to the kitchen. She waved as she saw Greg sat at their kitchen counter, giving out a sleepily yawn.
"Good Morning, Munchkin." Greg smiled at her. "I used to hate it when my Daddy did that to me. My Mom could never wake me up in the mornings, so she always got my Dad to do it. His version of waking me up was just like that." He smirked, watching Nick sitting the sleepy child at the table, so she could eat her breakfast.
"Easiest way." Nick smiled back at him, pouring the milk into Tayla's cereals for her, before he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "So eh... what did you wonna talk about?" He pulled a chair up in front of Willa, carefully securing a bib in place around her neck, before he attempted to feed her breakfast.
"About the eh... panic attacks." Greg spoke softly, looking down at his hands. "I didn't tell you, because I didn't want to worry you. After I talked to you on the phone, I went to the hospital to see how Sara was doing. Just as I arrived, they were wheeling her through to surgery. I felt my chest tightening, my hands started shaking, cold sweats... everything. Warrick found me."
"He did?" Nick wiped down his shirt with a cloth, as Willa flicked some of her oatmeal at him.
Greg nodded slightly, admiring Nick even more in his fatherly role. "He helped me through it, along with this nurse Zoe, but as soon as I tried to leave, it started again. That's why I ditched Tayla with Angela. I didn't want her to have to see me like that. I went home to my parents. My hands never stopped shaking the whole drive over."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Nick stopped feeding Willa a moment, looking up into the younger man's eyes. "You know I'd have understood."
"You've got too much on your plate already. Don't feel guilty or get mad, it was only... four times." He calculated it off the top of his head. "I hid it from you to protect you."
"You were protectin' me? Why?"
"Because I love you. You shouldn't have to suffer . . . anymore than you already have." He pointed out to him, looking between his two little girls. Tayla was barely able to keep her head up, shovelling spoonfuls of Cap'n Crunch into her mouth, while Willa was sucking sticky fingers, patiently waiting for Nick to feed her another mouthful of oatmeal. "You always put everyone else before yourself, but you're a pretty amazing guy, Nicky, you need someone to protect you too."
"You still coulda told me, baby. Am I that scary to talk to?"
Greg shook his head. "You really do have a lot on your plate, Nicky. I don't think you can help me, even if you wanted to. I don't even know what to do, and it's happening to me." Leaning forwards, Greg touched his lips to the man's forehead, gently placing his hands on his cheeks. "As much as I need you, your kids need you more than I do. They're still young, they don't have anybody else. I do."
"You sound like you're breakin' up with me . . . again."
Greg shook his head, stuffing his hands into his pockets, as he tried to think how he was going to tell Nick what he had decided. "I think I'm gonna go. Your life's hard enough, without the added pressure of me around. You can't make the decision to officially end it between the two of us, because you're blinded by your feelings for me, so it's gonna have to be me. And I know that I won't be able to stay away from you if I stay here, so I'm gonna..."
"Leave?" Nick whispered, gulping hard at the thought of never being able to see Greg again.
"I talked to Grissom about it today. I'm taking a six month leave of absence from the lab. Unless I find something else..."
"Where will you go?" Nick interrupted him.
Greg gave him a shrug, looking up into the older man's tearful eyes. "I'm not leaving because of you. It's just... all gotten too much lately. You're needed here." He indicated towards Willa, now desperately trying to reach for the spoon for herself. "You're tryin' to move forwards with your life, but I keep pullin' you back. You're not strong enough to end it, but I am."
"Why do you have to leave for that? I can still take care of the kids with you around."
The younger man shook his head, realising this was going to be harder than he thought. "You can't, as long as I stay here, you're always going to be distracted. And I need to go away for myself too. I can't sleep. I keep having panic attacks. Anything sets me off now. It used to just be my nightmares, but now it's anything."
After looking into Greg's eyes for a moment, Nick whispered, "I can't believe this is happenin'. I never thought you'd actually leave."
"You can't always be there for me, Nicky, I know that. I'm not one of your kids; I understand that you're only human. But I can't stay here. I need to get away for a while. You can't convince me not to, because I've already made up my mind."
"Okay." Nick inhaled a deep breath, not wanting to cry in front of the girls. "When? When will you...?"
Greg looked down at his hands, answering, "My flight leaves tomorrow. I didn't plan it this way, I only just booked it. It was the earliest flight I could get. I wanted to see you first." He lifted his gaze to meet Nick's, feeling his lower lip starting to tremble as he saw the tears beginning to form in the older man's eyes. "I love you, Nick. More than you'll ever know."
"You'd rather be alone, than with me?"
"Nicky, you said it yourself at the hospital. I distract you. If I had never pressured you to come out to the people that love you, you coulda been with Tayla. Miranda might still be alive..."
"Don't blame yourself." Nick shook his head. "I told you that I didn't mean that."
"I know, but it's true." He gently brushed his fingers across Nick's chin, whispering, "You coulda been with Bradley sooner too. He needs you now. You can't date me and look after all three children. You're only human. It's just a six month leave of absence, Nicky."
"I know." He sniffled, wiping his eyes with the back of his hands, keeping his head turned from Tayla's view. "I'm really gonna miss you though. You have no idea how much."
"I have a pretty good idea." Greg smiled at him, brushing away his former lover's tears with his fingertips. "If you ever need me, I'm just a phone call away. I'd take you with me if I could, but your kids need you more than me."
Nick gave him a nod in understanding, looking at the baby in front of him, now whimpering in protest to get her next mouthful of food. He picked up the spoon for her, realising that Greg was right, but he didn't want to let him go. "Okay . . . you do what you need to do, but you better come back." He warned him. "I'm a CSI, I'll hunt you down."
"Of course I will." Greg whispered, carefully wrapping his arms around Nick. "The most important person in my life is here." He smiled against his neck. "Just you try and stop me from coming back to you."
"I'd tie you to the bed if I thought I could keep you here." He smirked, breathing in his lover's scent, making a memory of it. "I miss you already. Look at me, I'm cryin'."
"Aww, Nicky," He gently smoothed his hands up and down his back, touching his lips to his hairline. "You're making me feel guilty about wanting to leave now."
"Don't. I think you should go. It'll be good for you. I'm just... really gonna miss you."
"Ow." Greg suddenly pulled back, as Willa gripped a handful of his hair, pulling it away from his scalp. "Are you mad at me too?" He smiled at the dribbling little girl. "You barely know me."
"She knows a great guy when she sees one." Nick spoke softly, pressing his lips to the younger man's head, where the baby had just pulled his hair. "So, you're really leavin' tomorrow?"
"Uh huh, I have to go home and pack." Greg checked the time on his watch, immediately seeing the fear in Nick's eyes. "I don't have to go yet though. I can hang out with you a little while longer."
"I'm not gonna be here much longer." Nick checked the time for himself. "I have to get Tayla ready for school. Willa's got another doctor's appointment, then I have to pick up Samantha and Bradley from the airport this evenin'." He reminded him, seeing a smile spreading across Greg's face. "What?"
"See, I'm in your way already. This is why I've gotta go." Greg leant forwards, capturing his former lover's lips between his own, for a passionate kiss. He held the kiss for as long as he could, thinking it could probably be their last.
Thanks for your reviews on the last chapter. I hope you enjoyed this one too!
~ Holly