Flirting with Danger part 2
Roy and Susan drove for a few minutes and then he parked the car on a ridge overlooking the city. "We've got to talk," he said as he turned to face her, but she was on him, kissing his face, his neck, stroking his arms, his chest, and there was nothing else in the world but her and his need. A voice in the back of his mind cried out, 'No, no, stop this! Stop it now, before it's too late!' but his hunger, this heroin rush, was pounding through his blood, and he couldn't listen to the voice. It was too painful to even think about stopping – like preventing a starving man from eating.
And then, the strangest thing happened, something he could never explain. As clear as a bell he heard his daughter's voice calling, "Daddy!" sharply, as if she were in distress. He pulled away from Susan's embrace, and as she protested, he said to her, "Shhh! Listen!" Susan looked around in confusion. They were alone, there was no one around. She tried to explain this to Roy, but he shook his head, "I heard something. Someone."
His heart was racing, his breathing was quick and heavy but miraculously, his head was as clear as if someone had poured ice cold water on it. He was sure he'd heard his little girl needing him. He looked at Susan, dishevelled and with her blouse slightly undone. Had he done that? God, what on earth was happening to him?
"We gotta go," he stated, and she could tell there was no arguing with him. As he drove, her hand crept over and began to caress his thigh, but he put it back in her lap, firmly. "Roy…" she said huskily, and he glanced over at her beautiful face, with its full mouth and long lashed eyes. He swore to himself and shook his head 'no'.
Somehow, his daughter had reached out to him, and though he wanted nothing more than to stay with Susan and….he wasn't at the place yet where he could say right out what he wanted, but it was pretty clear where all this was headed...more than his physical need for this woman, he needed to be with his daughter and make sure she was all right.
As he dropped her off back at the coffee shop he said, "Susan, you told me at first that you were attracted to me because you thought I was nice. What we're doing – what I'm doing – isn't nice." She tried to expostulate with him, but he shook his head. "I'm not going to be here again. Take care of yourself. I'm sorry." He pulled away from the curb before she could argue away his wavering willpower. He could see her crestfallen face in his rear view mirror. Damn it, Roy, who the hell do you think you are?
When he got home, he noticed that Joanne was looking a little bit stressed. Jenny ran to her father, and held onto him tightly. Joanne said, "I'm so glad you're home, Roy. We really missed you. Jenny fell down and although she wasn't really hurt, she just needed her daddy. I guess I just don't have your magic touch."
Ouch. That got to him. He sat down with his daughter and cuddled her for a few minutes, and got her to tell him about her fall. Soon she was smiling and laughing again and kissed his cheek several times. She rubbed her nose on his, and then looked at him curiously. "You smell dif'r'nt, Daddy." It hit him like a slap. She then stated, "I love you," in the way that children have that shows total trust and acceptance, and crawled down off his lap. Joanne looked over at him lovingly and said, "Ah, the magic of daddy. He makes everything all right."
He smiled the best he could, and went immediately to the washroom. He looked at himself in the mirror. 'You smell different, Daddy.' He put his hands to his face, and inhaled the scent of Susan's skin on his hands. He could hear his wife calling sweetly to the children to be careful in the backyard. He gripped the sides of the washbasin for a moment, and then began fiercely to wash his face, his hands, his arms…and then changed his shirt, throwing it into the laundry. If only he could wash his guilt away.
The next shift there was an accident – the kind that always left feelings of failure among the men. The call went out first thing in the morning. Two teenage boys, heading off to school in an old jalopy of a car, sped up to try and pass an eighteen wheeled truck on a two lane highway so they wouldn't be late for classes. They didn't see the car in the other lane until it was on top of them, because the sun was just at the wrong angle. The old car's steering failed when the young driver tried to wrench the steering wheel around – the cracked rod broke and the steering wheel spun uselessly in his hands.
In the other car was a young woman heading to work. By a strange twist of fate, she worked in the same office as the mother of one of the teens. She didn't even have time to step on the brakes when the car hit her straight on, and both vehicles, as if embracing, careened into the truck beside them.
When the squad and engine got there about seven minutes after the collision, it was already too late for the boys, and it was their mangled bodies that would have to be removed…in pieces. The woman had a crushed pelvis, her legs were shattered, her head was injured…and she was pregnant with her first child. There was no way the baby could have survived. The truck driver needed treating for shock, and stood on the side of the road unable to speak coherently, horror and confusion etched onto his face.
The situation was complicated even more by the boy's mother arriving on the scene almost immediately following, while things were being dealt with, as she was heading to work as well. She recognized the cars, and before anyone could stop her, she was out of her vehicle, and standing in the middle of the road, screaming in out-of-control terror. Roy got permission to give her a sedative and have her transported to the hospital in the same ambulance as her friend. The truck driver was sent in a second ambulance.
No one could shake the images of the youths, and Roy, sitting with the victims in the back of the ambulance, had to deal with trying to keep one woman alive, while the other one was beside herself with grief. He didn't know how to consol her. There was nothing that was 'okay' about any of this. He asked Rampart if there was any more medication he could give her, but Brackett said no. He tried to centre himself and concentrate on what he could do, but it was very, very difficult.
When the squad returned to the station, Captain Stanley called all the men together and made them all get a cup of coffee, whether they wanted it or not. He then got them to sit down on the couch and soft chairs over by the blackboard.
"Okay, men. I've taken us out of circulation for a bit. We need to debrief what happened at that accident." No one spoke. One of the hardest things was that first mention of the trauma…once it was breached, then the words began to flow more smoothly, but it was that initial acknowledgement that almost physically hurt. It wasn't department policy to debrief the men, at least not yet, although it was being discussed in some circles. Hank had gone through combat situations in the army and he knew the value of sharing stories about critical events in preventing secondary symptoms of depression and other mental health issues.
"C'mon, gentlemen, we were all there. We need to do this. Tell me what you saw, and what you felt. I'll go first." Wisely and kindly, Cap led his crew through revisiting the accident – and the frustration, revulsion, anger, fear, and other emotions that arose as a result.
It was Roy's turn to share. "I think what I'm mostly aware of right now is the temporariness of being alive. It could happen to us, sure, but….we just don't know, we might turn a corner, like that mother, and see our loved ones…" His throat became constricted. Joanne. Chris. Jenny. Funny, he had rescued Susan from a car accident, why hadn't he thought of her?
"You want to continue, Roy?" asked Cap. Roy shook his head. "Okay, we'll come back to you later if you want."
It took about an hour before Cap called dispatch to change their status back to 'available.' He planned to do another follow-up in a few days. It was hard, but necessary, and far less trouble than having a man or two go out on leave because he just couldn't face another run. Besides, he cared about these men very much, and felt that he owed it to them to guide them through these difficult situations.
That evening, the television was on after supper. The need to distract themselves was very strong. Roy found that the show just wasn't catching his interest and wandered into Cap's office. He looked at the books on the shelves. In addition to the expected literature, he saw that Captain Stanley or one of the other captains had placed a few personal books there as well; a couple of crime novels, a biography or two, and a book of poems by Robert Frost.
He pulled it out and began flipping through it. He came across a poem he vaguely remembered from high school and read: 'Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favour fire...' Those words began to circle round and round in his mind…'from what I've tasted of desire… the world will end in fire…'
He was with Joanne and the kids at the park, trying hard to be present with them and not be distracted. He was pushing Jenny on the swing when he saw her. It couldn't be, but it was. He had told her about bringing his family to the park, and she had come to find him there. His head reeled and his heart started to race. She smiled, waved and came towards him, as Joanne asked, "Who's that, honey?"
"Uh, her name is Susan St John, I believe. Chuck and I responded to a car accident she was in a while ago. It wasn't much," he shrugged.
Susan came up to him smiling broadly. "Roy! How nice to see you! Thank you again for all you did for me." She looked at him inquiringly, daring him to introduce her to his wife.
He was amazed at her audacity, and impressed with her tenaciousness. He was also highly flattered. She just wasn't going to give up on him. She looked so very good…it looked like her halter top sundress was all she was wearing…Joanne interrupted his runaway thoughts, "Honey, aren't you going to introduce us?"
"Miss St John, I'd like you to meet my wife, Joanne. Joanne, this is Susan St John, the woman from the car accident I told you about." Well, told about just this second, but Susan didn't need to know that.
"A pleasure, Joanne." Man, she sure could pile on the charm! What the heck was she doing? Joanne smiled back, and shook the other woman's hand.
"Well, it was very nice bumping into you; perhaps I'll see you again sometime? Take care," Susan called over her shoulder as she walked away, every man's eyes trailing after her, either overtly or in stolen glances.
Joanne's eyes were wide. "Wow. She's stunning. Although I don't know how appropriate that dress is to wear to a park…it's a good thing Johnny wasn't with you on that run or he would have been all over her like jam on toast."
That last phrase shook him out of his state of shock, and he looked at Joanne and gave a little laugh. "Jam on toast? Where did you get that?"
"I don't know – I must have heard it somewhere. It seemed appropriate." He smiled at her, a genuine, I see you, I know you, smile, and she smiled back, and then spontaneously kissed him on the mouth.
After they got home from the park, Joanne put the kids down for a nap, and asked Roy if he'd like to join her for a nap as well. It was an invitation he wouldn't normally refuse, but this time, he just kissed her and left her with her book, saying that he had a couple of things he wanted to take care of first, "…but save me a place," he smiled reassuringly.
He went out to the garage and sat in the car for a bit. He knew without her having said anything that Susan was waiting for him at the coffee shop. He wouldn't go. He'd just drive by. He'd tell her off for that stunt just before at the park. He'd tell her to stay away in no uncertain terms. He started the ignition and drove off.
Joanne heard the car start, and for the first time, disquiet entered her mind. Why was he always taking off alone lately? It couldn't have anything to do with that woman they had accidentally met in the park today, could it?