The smell of freshly brewed coffee hung in the air as Cristina climbed out of the single bed and stepped into Mrs Hunt's kitchen.
She had slept the night in her husband's childhood bed. Thinking of his big muscular body lying on the child sized bed made her think of Owen curling up with Daniel at night when he moved from his cot to a bed- the father dwarfing his tiny son, protecting him from nightmares, easing him into a peaceful sleep filled with vivid dreams of far away lands. When she imagined the future with Daniel, Owen was always the strong presence of the 2 parents. She often imagined herself returning home to find Owen and their son reading books together or locked in conversation or battling it out playing a board game. She was always on the outside of their bond in her visions and that bothered her. Was she putting herself their subconsciously as punishment for wanting to go back to her other baby- surgery? Her head was killing her, it was full of questions, doubts and emotions pressing the Walls of her skull like it might explode.
"Can I fix you something to eat?" Without waiting for an answer Susan Hunt had placed a cup of coffee in front of her daughter-in-law and started pulling pans put of cupboards and bacon and eggs out of the fridge.
"Thank you, I am hungry." Cristina admitted, remembering that they had never actually got to eating the pizza Owen had bought home at her request. She took a long gulp of coffee from the cup, savouring the burn of the strong black liquid on the back of her throat.
As Cristina sat at the kitchen counter she noticed that the older woman moved with the same sense of purpose as her son, her head inclined slightly to the right as she concentrated on the task in front of her just like Owen's did. Cristina imagined a younger version of her husband growing up in this house. He had enjoyed the family life she had been deprived through divorce and parental death.
"I am sorry to have just turned up here last night." Cristina was apologetic as she traced the rim of the mug with her index finger.
"Cristina,we are family. Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Susan set a plate of scrambled eggs and crispy bacon down in front of Cristina, who dug in eagerly. It was clear where Owen got his flair for producing meals full of delicious flavours. Susan hopped up on to the stool next to her at the counter top and cradled her own coffee cup in her careworn hands.
"We had a fight. I said a lot of things I didn't mean and didn't actually say the things I needed to."
"Owen offered at the beginning of the pregnancy to take some leave to look after Daniel and now he has been promoted to Chief of surgery." Cristina felt a little uncomfortable talking to Owen's mother about him when she had not even verbalised her true feelings to him. She had just screamed at him and practically told him he had not tried to save George. Cristina winced at the memory of that hurtful untruth she and spat at him. "I just can't understand why he would take on a job that will keep him away from his family when he was willing not so long ago to walk away from work for a year for his family."
"Owen has always had a strong sense of duty." Susan turned to Cristina and explained. The younger woman noticed that her blue eyes sparkled when she talked about her son. It made Cristina admire this woman. She had raised a great man and she was thankful for this woman who had bought Owen into the world. "Even as a child he took his role in the family as the older brother seriously. He just wants to do what is best for others. He feels obligated to help. I think that is why he joined the military, he felt like it was his duty as a man and as an American."
"can I ask you a question?" Cristina was never sure how TP broach the subject of Iraq. Owen never bought it up anymore and she did not want to dredge up any painful memories for him, but there was a lot she wanted to know about the part of his past that had left such a profound imprint on his future.
Susan nodded, her grey hair bouncing around her shoulders, and waited for Cristina to speak.
"How did you cope when Owen was in Iraq?"
"I prayed and I hoped. Every time the phone rung I begged and bargained with God that it was not to tell me my only son was dead. I was afraid to answer the door in case I was met with an army uniform and the letter every military family dreads being placed in their hands. Then I got angry- angry with the President for taking my son to fight, angry with Owen for enlisting and not considering the risks." As she spoke, Susan could feel those same emotions resurfacing. That time in her life she had stopped living, she was frozen in time just waiting in a limbo only the safe return of her little boy could end. She rook a deep breath and carried on, "I was just existing, i had to stop living. I could not go about normal things knowing that my baby, my boy was miles away in a desert and if he was hurt i couldn't help him. But I had to understand that it was what he wanted. The army was who he was meant to be. What he was built for."
As she listened to another mother speak with such a fierce love for her child, Cristina felt even more selfish at what she was not prepared to give up to be a mother. She was not prepared to give up living her life as a surgeon to just exist as a mother.
"I am a terrible mother." Cristina did not even realise she had spoken the words out loud, or that tears were slowly running down her cheeks.
"Honey, you are not a terrible mother." Susan rubbed her back and just let her cry. She knew how overwhelming being at home with a baby could be. Susan had raised 3 children and it never got easier. Being a mother was the hardest job in the world.
"I am just so afraid all the time. I am scared I am not good enough for Daniel and if I am not then I won't be good enough for Owen." Cristina chocked the words out through her tears and laid her head on the soft wool of the cardigan that encased her mother-in-law's bony shoulder. She imagined this was what it must be like to have a real mother, one who listened and comforted you instead of dragging you to malls to look at paint swatches. Would she be able to be a real mother to her child or would Daniel be forced to grow up in the OR gallery like Meredith, while his mother chased the coveted Harper Avery and his father was locked in the Chief's ivory tower balancing the hospitals books?
"Cristina, as a mom you will be scared for your child every day of their lives. Scared if they are safe, scared that the are happy, scared you are not there enough, scared you are too overprotective. There is no manual to being a mother, you have to do what is right for you. A happy mom makes a happy baby. Just go with your gut."
"I just don't know what to do!" Cristina was exhausted. She was tired of feeling like a failure and she did not want to get this wrong, there was too much at stake for her to make the wrong decision.
"Start with what you do know. Do you love Owen?"
"Yes I do, more than anything." Cristina knew that to be true with absolute certainty.
"Do you love Daniel."
The answer was the same, "Yes I do, more than anything."
"Do you want to make this work, being a surgeon and having a family."
"Yes I do, more than anything." The conviction in her tone shocked her. Cristina did not know the solution but she wanted to try to find one. She knew she had to stop running away. This situation was real and she had to face it.
"Well then you do know. You know what you need to do." Susan smiled at Cristina and squeezed her hand. They were just really starting to get to know each other but she liked her daughter-in-law very much. She could see how good she was for her son and even though she did not know all the details of how she had supported Owen through the dark times of his after, she knew that this young woman had given Owen the life she feared she would never get to see her son embrace. Susan had feared meeting a military plane carrying the body of her son home. Now she rejoiced at the fact her son's body was home but more importantly his soul was happy. And that was because of her love and the chance to love their son.
Cristina nodded slowly, returned a small smile to her Mother-in-law and asked quietly, "Owen and Daniel. Can you get me Owen and Daniel please?"
The phone in the firehouse rang. Owen dashed towards it to pick it up. He hoped to hear his wife's beautiful voice at the other end of the line. He had spent last night lying awake replaying every cross word they had exchanged and wondering when she would return from Meredith's. That was where she always fled to.
He picked up the phone and tentatively said "hello?"
"Owen, can you come over please?" His mother's voice questioned, not bothering with the pleasantries of hello, how are you.
"what's wrong? Are you ok?" his mother rarely asked him to come over. He immediately felt anxious.
"Let's just say that a mother needs to see her son." Susan hung up the phone.
It took Owen a few moments to make the connection that she was talking about Cristina.