Owen and Daniel arrived at his mother's house an hour later. It had taken Owen that long to change, dress and feed Daniel his bottle of expressed milk. The baby did not like the bottle and had spat and cried against the rubber teat, he wanted to be in the warm arms of his mother, enjoying those special moments of closeness he could not enjoy with anyone but her. Owen had finally given up and had to give in to using the pacifier to calm his son, after his screaming had reached fever pitch. He had packed a bag of clothes for his wife, unsure if she was staying where she was or if she would be coming home.
Owen drove the 6 mile journey with a sense of trepidation. It seemed that his relationship with Cristina had consisted of one or the other of them seeking the other out to gain clarification or make declarations anew after communicating at crossed purposes. Still after all this time, words often failed them and this argument had left them both battle scarred and wounded.
The doorbell rang and Cristina got up off the couch to open the door to the prospect of releasing the feelings she had been bottling up for the last month. She felt like she needed a few minutes on the vent, for the compressed steam to blow the thoughts into words and free them from her throat.
The door frame eased back and concerned azure blue eyes met contrite dark brown ones. The smaller chestnut eyes that sat at chest level, in a pair of strong arms, between the two shone in the delight of seeing the person who had been their home for 9 months in front of him.
Cristina's heart ached looking into her son's eyes and she was filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt. Guilt at running away last night and guilt of wanting to run back to work and not be with him.
Owen broke the silence and proffered the overnight night bag to his wife, "I bought you some clothes."
"Thanks." She took the bag, slung it over her shoulder and lifted Daniel out of Owen's arms and kissed his cheek. The little boy curled his toes at the tickle of her lips on his skin and snuggled into her as he always did. His little fingers tangled into her hair, Grabbing a fistful of curls. "I will go change."
"Alright." Owen watched his wife and son disappear into the bedroom he had slept in as a child. He closed the front door and walked into the kitchen. He found his mother sitting at the counter, not having moved since her earlier discussion with Cristina.
"Hey mom." He took a seat in the stool the next to her and kissed her cheek.
"Hi honey. You ok?" She stroked her eldest son's face lovingly. Talking with Cristina about Iraq made her all the more grateful to see him in front of her, whole and healed.
"I am confused, I don't know what is wrong or what I have done..." Owen exhaustedly ran his hand through his hair, rested his elbows on the table and propped his chin up on his clenched fists.
"Just hear her out. Just let her talk and you listen."
"Can I fix this mom?" Owen was genuinely afraid that the woman who inhabited his heart was slipping away.
"Yes you can. She loves you." His mother's comforting voice filled him with hope. Sometimes, no matter how old you were you just needed your mom to tell you everything was going to be ok.
Cristina emerged from the bed room 45 minutes later, dressed in the jeans, black vest and black waterfall cardigan she had found in the bag. She had brushed her teeth and scooped her hair into a ponytail. Daniel was asleep in her arms, having enjoyed a satisfying feed with his mother.
"Give me my beautiful grandson and off you go. Go and sort all this out. Then come back when you are ready." Susan was delighted at the prospect of spending the day with her first grandchild. "Take all the time you need."
Cristina looked at her husband and gave a small nod towards the door, as she handed her son to his grandmother. She kissed his head and whispered goodbye. "We will be back in time for his next feed but there is a bottle in his bag if he needs it."
Owen kissed his son and his mother and followed his wife out of the front door.
"Where do you want to go?" Owen asked quietly as they stood on the porch.
Reaching sideways and linking her fingers into his, looking straight forwards, she told him, "let's just walk and see where it takes us."
It was a bright day and they walked towards the waterfront in a slightly tense silence for about 10 minutes. They were still holding hands, the gesture felt so natural after all these years together that it would have been odd not to walk that way. Owen spied a small bar set back from the ferry docks and thought they should sit down and talk this thing out.
"Can I buy you a drink?" Owen felt awkward at asking a question you would ask someone you were dating to his wife and they both let out a small giggle at the stupidity of the situation they found themselves in.
They made their way inside and ordered 2 cups of coffee and sat down at a table outside. Neither wanted to be the first to broach the subject of the argument but Owen could not keep quiet a moment longer. He needed to find a way back to his wife, he needed them to be everything he had come to rely on them being.
"Cristina, talk to me. Just tell me what's wrong, please." Owen's tone was pleading he wanted to understand, he wanted to do anything he could to make this right whatever it was he unintentionally had made wrong.
"I want, no I need to go back to work." Cristina looked him in the eye and admitted her needs. She immediately felt like a weight had been lifted. He knew now, how he was going to react she was not so sure.
"You are going back to work, when Daniel is 12 weeks we already agreed that!" Owen was now totally confused. He furrowed his brow and hoped his wife would elaborate.
"I need to go back to work now. I can't wait 2 weeks." Cristina fiddled with the handle of the coffee mug and garnered the strength to expose how difficult she was finding the new role she was forever to be cast in. "I am lonely. I have no one to talk to all day. I crave cutting and surgery, the joy of scrubbing in, the chance to eat lunch without a baby in my lap. You get to do all those things and then come home and do the fun day stuff after i have had to deal with days like yesterday! Owen, I am drowning and you haven't even noticed. If I stay at home with Daniel alone any longer it is going to get worse and if it does I really do not know what the long term outcome will be for any of us."
Owen felt a pinch of anger towards his wife. Why had she kept all this inside? Why did she not talk to him? She was saying long term this could end in them being apart and she still didn't think to talk to him about it? As angry as he was at Cristina he was absolutely furious at himself- how had he not noticed? Had he been so wrapped up in his new found professional renaissance that he had neglected his most prized achievement- his family. Looking at his wife sadly, he stretched out his open palm and waited for her to slide her hand onto it. He stroked the back of her hand as he asked gently, "Why didn't you tell me? I thought you were happy!"
"I didn't tell you because you weren't here. You have been flying all over America with Derek Shepherd." she did not mean these words to come out in such a blaming tone as they did. She was simply stating fact. Before Owen could justify his absence, she continued. "Owen, I am happy, I love you both so much. But I am also unhappy. I feel like I am loosing myself again. I am not Cristina Yang anymore. I am Owen Hunt's wife or Daniel Hunt's mom and I love being those things but I don't love myself."
"I am sorry I wasn't there. Do you think I wanted to spend this month away from you both?" Owen was struggling to hold his own emotions in. He felt like he had failed. He had promised to be there and he hadn't been.
"i know you want to be there and I know that work gets in the way. That's why I freaked out about you becoming the chief."
"I will tell Richard that I can't take the job." Owen spoke in a measured way, trying to disguise his disappointment at not being able to test out leading the hospitals version of a battalion.
"No you will not!" Cristina had realised as she spoke about what she was not able to give up that she could not ask Owen too either. She did not want him to end up resenting her and feeling like she did. "you will be a great chief. You were built to be a leader, why do you think I married you!" Her joking tone, the smile on her full lips and the squeeze of her tiny hand around his made Owen relax. They could work this out! They were talking that was always the step they missed out!
"Please believe me, I want to be the best mother I can be, but to do that I need to keep something just for me. I need my work. But I am terrified that Daniel will end up like Meredith, being raised in the Walls of Seattle Grace Mercy West because I am just like Ellis, to selfish to be a real mother."
"Cristina, I just want you to be happy. I want Daniel to be happy. If that means you going back to work next week and us juggling our schedules then we will do that. I will take on less surgeries, i can maybe work from home some days and be with him or he can be with me in my new office. Cristina whether I am in the ER, the OR or the Chief's office my family is the most important thing in my world. Ok? We can make this work I promise. If it comes to it I will take the leave I offered, I mean it. Nothing will ever come before you and our son. But you have to talk to me, just tell me how you feel, tell me what you need." Owen inclined his head to the right, just like his mom she noted, as he spoke. His voice was full of love and Cristina once again felt safe enough to reach out and give him the whole truth of where she was.
"I just don't want to disappoint you and then for you to leave me." Cristina fiddled with her hair as she admitted to her husband the fear that underpinned everything. She could not lose this man. Ever. She would not, could not survive that.
Owen exhaled wearily and stood up. He walked around the table, bent over and took her face in his hands and kissed her. She melted into the kiss and grasped his face in her own two hands. Owen broke away momentarily and murmured against her lips, "when Re you going to get it Cristina Yang? I am not going anywhere without you."
Cristina could not think of any words that could convey just how much she loved him, so she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him back towards her lips. Just before she kissed him, she spoke to him in the flirty tone she knew he loved, "Well as i am going back to work, I had better get on the right side of the new chief of surgery then, right?" They both smiled as their lips and tongues began their familiar duet in perfect harmony.
As the ferryboats carried their passengers to their chosen destinations, Cristina and Owen shared a kiss that carried both all their love for each other and for each others understanding and all their commitment to their shared vision of the future and to being their for each other as they both shaped themselves once again into new roles. A working mother and a Chief of surgery, feeling their way through unchartered waters with only each other as a Life belt.