Flirting with Danger part 5

The following afternoon, he was in the minister's office holding a cup of coffee, a plate of cookies at his elbow. "What made you become a minister, Reverend?"

"Call me Neil. I wanted to help people. What made you become a fireman?"

Roy grinned, "Okay, I guess I asked for that."

"No, Roy, I'm just kidding you. I hear your real question."

"And what's that?"

"Why have I dedicated my life to God?"

"Uh, yeah," he answered, surprised at the man's insight and his own recognition that it was his true question.

"Are you looking for faith, Roy?"

Roy shrugged. "I don't know what I'm looking for."

"Well, most of us are either looking for something to believe in or something that can help us get back on track when we've fallen off." Roy sighed involuntarily. "Is that it? Have you fallen off track somehow?"

"Neil, I used to think I knew myself pretty well. Now…"

"Is this since your injury?"

He shook his head, "Before that."

"Did something happen?"

Roy paused, and then asked, "Is all this confidential? Like with a priest?"

Neil smiled, "I have a different title, but I consider myself to be a priest of God, and certainly hold myself to the same standards of confidentiality."

"This isn't how I pictured things." He pointed to the coffee and cookies.

"But I'm guessing it's answering a need, just the same?" Roy shrugged noncommittally. Neil continued, "Confession is actually good for the soul, Roy. It's not a platitude. It really does help."

Roy didn't look at the other man as he stated flatly, "I'm ashamed of who I am."

"Who you are or what you've done or not done? There is a distinction to be made, you know."

"Okay, what I've done, but it feels like who I am."

"I'm sure it does." Roy was silent. "Take your time." Neil sipped his coffee and took a bite of a cookie.

After a long moment Roy began, "A while ago, my partner was off sick and the station responded to a traffic accident. It was pretty routine stuff, but we had to use the jaws, you know what they are?" Neil nodded, and Roy continued, "Yeah, so we had to use the jaws to free this young woman who was stuck in her car. She was very grateful, and, uh…" He took a deep breath. "She was more than grateful – and she was beautiful and she wanted to meet with me, and… and I wanted to meet with her."

Neil just nodded, not saying anything. Roy said, "Right. So at first it was just a coffee, y'know, to say 'thanks' but then it became 'can I see you again?' and she was calling me all the time, and…" he blew out his breath slowly, "I wanted to be with her so badly. It was all I could think about. I started being a bit reckless at work and at home I began sneaking around behind my wife's back to meet her…"

Neil waited for a moment and when Roy didn't continue, he asked, "Did you sleep with her?"

Roy shook his head. He felt so ashamed. He looked at the ground when he said, "But we did get pretty physical. And she wanted me to sleep with her."

Neil started to chuckle, and Roy looked up from his feet in surprise. Neil was shaking his head in amazement, "Man, you must have thought I was gunning directly for you yesterday!"

Roy grinned, "Yeah, it crossed my mind."

"Funny thing, inspiration. I guess someone knew exactly what you needed to hear and when you would be around to hear it."

"Someone, meaning God?"

Neil shrugged. "That's what I would put it down to, but you may have other ideas." Roy's smile faded as his thoughts returned to what he and Susan had done. Neil leaned forward and said, "Listen, Roy, I'm not going to impose my beliefs on you. I'm not here to judge you, but if you want, I can give you some advice."

"I think I'd like that."

"Okay. First, you gave into temptation, like the rest of the human race. Despite what you feel, it's not the end of world. I think it's a good sign that you feel so terrible about this – it means you'll probably be better protected the next time something comes along trying to throw you off." Neil shifted in his chair. "So the first piece of advice is, accept that you are human. The second piece you might find a bit harder to do." Roy regarded him curiously.

Neil looked back at him earnestly. "When someone messes up, we have a process called repentance that can get things back where they need to be. A lot of people think that repentance is just feeling bad for what you've done, but that's just the first step – recognition of the wrong thing. After that, of course, there's not doing it again. Makes sense, right?" Roy nodded. "Then there's confessing the wrong, without making excuses or rationalizing – which you just did." Neil sighed and sat back in his chair, "And then there's making up for the wrong thing – some people call it restitution or repayment."

Roy could see why Neil had warned him this might be hard. How could he possibly make a repayment of the wrong he had done to Joanne by betraying her trust and ignoring his promises to be faithful to her and no one else? His voice sounded harsh in his own ears, "How can I do that? I don't know how."

"You have small children at home," Neil said and Roy acknowledged it. "Your wife is probably tired much of the time, and things maybe aren't very…romantic…right now."

Roy said, "Yeah….but that's no excuse…"

"I'm not making excuses; I'm explaining the situation so you will be able to understand why you need to do some things you haven't been doing. But first, do you love her, Joanne, your wife?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Okay, then. She needs courting."

"Courting? What do you mean?"

"I mean, she needs to go on dates with you; regular dates. And she needs to get some decent sleep, so she may need to get away for a few days overnight, and not just once. It's pretty hard to feel romantic when you're exhausted. She also needs to have you treat her as if she is desirable. Buy her flowers, write her a love note; court her. What does she really like that you do for her?"

"She really likes it when I rub her back. It sometimes gets sore, probably from carrying around the kids or doing all that laundry."

"Then do that. Every night you are home, make it part of your routine."

Roy considered the advice Neil was giving him. He felt that he could do those things. Getting her away for a couple of nights might be more difficult to arrange, but maybe her mother or sister would come, and they could both take off…that sounded attractive. The notes, flowers, back rubs, they were pretty straight forward. He then asked what he felt was the big burning question; "Should I tell her?"

"Tell her that you were tempted and were in contact with another woman? There are different schools of thought on that one, and I'll tell you what I think, but first I need to ask you a couple of questions."

"Sure."

"Does she know or suspect that you might have something going on with this woman?"

"Uh, maybe." He cringed as he remembered Joanne questioning him while they sat in the car that last day before his accident.

"Has anyone else seen you two together?"

"Again, maybe. We were so wrapped up in each other that it's possible." Ouch, that hurt to admit.

"Last question. If the position were reversed, would you want to find out from her, or from someone else?"

If the position were reversed…if Joanne had been seeing someone behind his back, kissing that someone passionately, considering sleeping with that person…he was horrified. She would never do that! She probably felt that you would never do that, either, his conscience argued. He felt ill even considering the possibility of her with someone else. What must she be feeling? If she suspected that he was seeing this woman, would she be thinking he'd already…no, he had to tell her, and the truth, as bad as it was, wasn't as bad as she was probably thinking it was.

"I need to tell her."

"So, I don't need to give you my advice on that one," Neil smiled.

"What would your advice be?"

"To tell her." They both grinned. Neil explained, "I believe that confessing the wrong breaks its hold on you – otherwise you remain emotionally chained to the secret, and it can drag you down, either by affecting your self-esteem or by enabling you to rationalize your behaviour. It's hard, but it's the only way to get free again."

Roy took a deep breath, and this one actually felt good, almost cleansing somehow. "I believe I can do this."

"I know you can. Despite this thing with another woman, Roy, I believe you are a good person. And I believe that if you work at it, you can be the person you felt you were before all this happened. Maybe even better." He stood up, and Roy also rose to his feet. "It's been great meeting you, Roy. I hope I see you again."

Roy shook his outstretched hand. "I think you will, Neil. Thanks."